Can’t Do It

 So I did have a free 15 minute session to get to know a therapist and then an actual one hour session two days later. The anxiety from anticipating each of these appointments has absolutely ruined my week. I felt barely functional. (Even though yes I did drive to San Marcos last night to celebrate Mother’s Day since I’m working all weekend). I was barely functional at almost every other part of this week. This week has been hell, particularly because of these appointments. 

I think I did a pretty good job telling my whole life story in one hour. It was concise. Then she told me to do EMDR therapy. I had one person tell me that before. Then I looked into it and the process completely creeped me out. This time around, I tried giving it another chance. I read about it on Wikipedia and psychology today. I can’t describe it. It reminded me of hypnosis, memory planting, brainwashing and tics all at the same time. I have suffered from tics since the second grade, and I’ve worked very hard over several decades to both suppress and overcome them. I would rather have a root canal done rectally than go through EMDR therapy.

I do not want to say any of that out loud though. I don’t feel like being educated on what something is or isn’t, but I do feel extremely uncomfortable and also don’t want to seem like the person that shoots ideas down or is noncompliant. 

I wish I could just talk to someone and have them respond to me in a constructive way. What would that be “called”?  I’ve been to therapy where you talk and they don’t do anything. I’ve been to CBT, and I think CBT may be one of the reasons why I am not sure my memories are 100% accurate. And why would I do something like EMDR with inaccurate memories?  

All I know is that I cannot spend next week as much of a mess as this week.  The man I’m taking care of M,W, and F is really easy  but today, every time I locked or unlocked his wheelchair wheels, he reached down and undid what I had just done (unlock when I locked etc) . It took me a while to realize that he was doing it as a joke, so I forced myself to laugh in order to get him to stop 

Update-

The new therapist emailed me back and says that we absolutely don’t have to do EMDR and she will discuss other methods with me. She also says it doesn’t matter if the memories are accurate. I wonder why?  I feel like it’s always mattered in at least some way. She said it’s just the feelings that matter- but if the memories aren’t accurate, then you have no “right” to have the feelings. ?? 

I guess I’ll put it out of my head until Wednesday