I Was Today Years Old

 When I found out that the “Serotonin Hypothesis” that claims depression is caused by a chemical imbalance/ low serotonin levels was actually never proven. 

I actually did “sort of” know that, but it’s so not talked about that I didn’t realize it. 

I have honestly been wondering- do I really “suffer from” anxiety and depression, or are anxiety and depression a normal part of the human experience?  Is mine actually a disorder/disease, or have I been gullible with people who profit off of me being anxious and depressed?  

You aren’t allowed to ask these questions out loud. I wasn’t asking them out loud- I was simply googling them. Chemical imbalances have not been proven. They do not actually test your serotonin levels. Yes I knew that, but I disregarded it. Why did I just follow blindly?  Probably because so many people get so preachy when it comes to mental health. They yell at you that going to a psychiatrist is “just like going to the doctor if you have a broken leg or diabetes.”  The silent part isn’t spoken out loud- that broken bones are seen on X-rays and diabetes can be seen in bloodwork. 

Yesterday I counted my remaining gabapentin and created my own taper schedule. If I follow it, then I will run out on about February 6, 2026. If I pick up another “month supply” at the end of this month, I can make that last for most of 2026. 

I have to really, really work hard to reinvent myself, accept and sit with horrible feelings, and radically accept that it’s only me that can help me. I know that the proper thing to do would be to talk to my PCP about tapering, and I did try to do that. I went in the day before yesterday in the afternoon. The medical assistant who was taking my vitals went over my medications and very very clearly had an absolute problem that I was taking gabapentin for anxiety.  She said, “And you take….. gabapentin?  FOR ANXIETY?  Why?”  Immediately I felt uncomfortable. God knows I really really hate that. I explained nicely that  a psychiatrist prescribed it for me about four years ago, and that she had retired and I was unable to find another who is willing to prescribe it again. So that was actually why I was there- to discuss a taper schedule with the doctor to get off of it safely. The medical assistant continued to question me while emphasizing every other word, stating that gabapentin isn’t usually used for anxiety. I tried to explain again that the reason I was there was to discuss tapering. I asked her if she had a problem with it, I mean there was a lot of tension in the room. I started crying and said I didn’t want to see the doctor. She tried to backtrack and say she didn’t mean to upset me and she didn’t think anything was wrong with it etc. I left the exam room and went up to the front to check out and cancel my appointment. 

I never, ever want to talk to any medical professional ever again about taking gabapentin for anxiety. It has to be all on me. I have to figure it out myself. As many of you know I do have a cousin that is a psychiatrist. She lives in the Chicago area. I brought this up to her, and she prescribes gabapentin to her patients all the time for anxiety. But obviously I can’t see her, because she’s related to me. She started saying “That’s so weird” that I was having so many problems getting it again. Generally in our family, saying “that’s weird” means you don’t believe someone. I flat out told her that it’s really happening and not weird. She then started blaming it on the conservative politics of Texas. I said, the doctor that originally prescribed it to me was also in Texas and actually if you know someone that I can see then please give me their name and number so I can seek them out myself. I texted out this whole plan of quitting my job and temporarily moving to Illinois if she really knew someone and if it was just so common in liberal Illinois. She said she’d ask around but hasn’t responded. She doesn’t know anyone. 

Something just changed with psychiatrists’ attitudes towards that medication and willingness to prescribe it. They don’t want to take responsibility so they blame the patient. 

I have a lot of work to do to get better. I can do it, too. These people were making money off of convincing me I’m nothing without them. I’m tempted to feel defeated, and I think it’s ok to let myself feel like that for a little while but then I have to get up and start over.