On My Own

 Some of the advice I received two posts ago about my mystery phone call from the pharmacy was to go to the pharmacy in person to make sure there was not an error with someone else. 

I’m honestly too scared to do that. The thing they were trying to accuse me of was filling a one month supply three weeks early. Normally, that indicates overdosing or other illegal activity. I’m doing the opposite of overdosing. I’m underdosing, simply because in the last year or so my medication has developed such a negative stigma from mental health professionals and pharmacies. One might argue that underdosing is also “wrong”, but what other choice do I have?  Withdrawal from gabapentin can cause seizures, and I’m in a situation where suddenly it’s frowned upon. I have been to enough doctors at this point to know that I’m going to be vilified if I keep asking for it. Running out can be deadly. You would be tapering too. 

Since the reason for the pharmacy’s phone call was to tell me they couldn’t complete a refill, I’m assuming they did not make a mistake regarding someone else. If they did, it’s not up to me to risk getting mouthed off at. They already think I’m a piece of shit. If I ever go back there, it won’t be until I get a text on or after 6/27 saying my last refill is ready. 

I was literally in tears last night wondering how I got into this situation. I had a psychiatrist about 4 or 5 years ago “try” gabapentin with me for my panic attacks, because nothing else seemed to work. Then she retired, so I can’t go back to her. It’s extremely risky to go to a psychiatrist and say “This is what works for me”, in fact I had a therapist tell me that that’s “drug seeking behavior.”  If I do that, I have to “try” all the SSRI’s and SNRI’s all over again as a performative action for them. I’d rather just not take anything than do that. That will put my body through hell. Plus I’ve lost roughly 30-35 pounds now, yo-yoing medications will likely make me gain it all back. 

I sat down last night and really forced myself to accept that I’m on my own from now on with anxiety symptoms. It’s up to me to get better. I can’t depend on anyone else. 

I have a tool box for sure. If you have ChatGPT, I’m not sure if anyone knows this, but you can type in, “I’m having a panic attack. Please help me through it.”  ChatGPT will then spell out all the conventional methods taught by therapists like breathing exercises and the 54321 method. It’s free, too. Therapy runs at least $150 an hour nowadays. For that, they should be doing more than just reciting basic exercises you can find online, but I digress. 

One of the things that helps, which is controversial, is actually physical exercise. Just like with every other method, it will sometimes work and sometimes not. But it gets the most amount of pushback, I think because it’s the most difficult thing on the list to do. It’s easy to breathe. It’s not easy to go for a jog or walk. 

Even though I’m cutting back on sugar, I made fruit juice bottles with half a capsule of gabapentin to help with tapering. I am bringing one to work today and the other half of the capsule either tomorrow or the day after. Next time I go shopping, I’m going to have to look for some juice with a lower sugar content. This is just something I picked up quickly from a gas station. I wasn’t thinking about the sugar when I bought it- I wasn’t just thinking about not tasting the drug. 

I also want to end this with a bit of a rant. I think it’s grossly unfair that I sought help like I was supposed to, got the help, and then been made to feel like some horrible person for wanting more of that help. Gabapentin didn’t have the negative stigma back when my old doctor tried me on it, and I actually commend her for thinking outside the box. I don’t know what happened to make the professionals create a negative stigma against people who take it. Maybe the laws changed or maybe there was a study. Idk. 

The plan now is to take 200 milligrams if I'm feeling super horrible, and subsequently just try everything on the free lists you find online. The good news is that I’m in a much better life situation now than when I first started experiencing them in 2014. Maybe 5-10 years from now, things will be even better. I just have to keep the faith and keep working hard.