Quilts are fuzzy!

Today I went to Brenham, Texas to do some side jobs and wash my finished denim chenille quilts at a laundromat that I know has great washers and dryers. I think the quilts look so cute!  I put the rainbow one on my side of the bed and the other two I bagged up and put away, because they’ll be for sale. 

I also picked a bluebonnet.  

I was tempted to visit the Blue Bell ice cream factory. They are right down the street from this truck stop, and have $1 per scoop ice cream. But I resisted. I’ve been doing great with eating healthy. I’ve lost 25 pounds in the last 15 months. I want to lose about 40 more. 

 

Updates- Quilt and Wedding Shawl

My cat Alex has inherited my wedding shawl. I caught him sleeping on it on my desk one night, and as I tried to take it from him, he gave me a “don’t even think about it” meow. He looks so cute with it, and I’m never going to wear it again so why not?  He is so adorable with it. 

The next thing is that I’ve been doing the clipping on four denim chenille quilts that I plan to list in an Etsy shop. The plan was to have quite a few of them, whatever is “enough” for an Etsy shop, and then take them all to a laundromat together. Once you finish the clipping, washing it once or twice produces the “chenille” fuzzy effect. There’s a truck stop we do inventory at every three months.  They have a large laundromat attached, and kevin and I have used it before. The washers and dryers are super nice. 

The thing is that I can’t seem to want to part with this particular rainbow quilt. I don’t think I want to sell this one. I’m actually sort of attached to it. So I’m just keeping it. The only person I’ll consider giving it to is my daughter, but only for her dorm or my house- not her dad’s house. This quilt is just meaningful to me for some reason. I love how I put something with each color that sort of represents that color. The red row has roses, the orange row has little round sun-like designs, the yellow row has sunflowers, the green row has leaves, the blue row has water, and the purple row has lilacs. Idk I just love it and can’t part. 

The design started when I completed the red and orange rows. The fabric with the roses was a 50% off remnant from Joann’s. The orange fabric with the designs that are sunlike are from a skirt I got on 25 cent day. I remember doing the orange and red rows and thinking,

Hmm now the other colors can’t really be too plain. I have to buy fabric that has a design for each row to kind of keep this going. It was complicated, but I did it. 

 

Reflection

 I decided that I need to talk to a therapist, at least briefly. I have been on an app called Teledoc. You can have actual medical appointments, referrals to specialists, and mental health care including therapy. All of it is 100% covered for me. So it’s great. I went on the therapy section and chose a therapist who has an opening Tuesday April 1 at 2:45 PM. 

I am just scared that now that I’m happy and in a good place in life, that some catastrophic event will occur. Like it’s going to be a devastating diagnosis or a freak accident. I mean I hope not. I know this feeling comes from finally being in a good place after ten years of hellish panic attacks. Hopefully, a therapist can help me work through it and not cancel appointments for routine cancer screenings. Yea, I did freak out and cancel my colonoscopy consult on April 1. I can’t do it until I work through the anxiety. 

Cancer scares the absolute hell out of me. I don’t just lose my cousin Kathy, I’ve lost several friends and family members to cancer. The scariest is pancreatic cancer. One of my mother’s friends and a husband of another of her friends both were diagnosed and died super fast after diagnosis. The same thing happened to Alex trebek, but he lived a lot longer than my parent’s friends. I know people have different preferences, but I’d much rather go in a freak accident if I had to die at all. I’d rather not linger for X amount of months knowing the end is nigh. I mean preferably,  I’d live into my 90’s like my bitchy aunts. But growing old is a privilege denied to many. And I have the basic fear that God is going to punish me for being happy. And not really struggling anymore. 

Hopefully I can work through this and that this therapist is actually as nice as she seems online. God knows I’ve had a few awful ones. 

Surreal

 Being married again feels surreal to me. I can’t believe we actually did it. In fact, Kevin said to me the other night, “Babe? We did it!”  

Yup we did!  When I went back to work at the inventory service over two years ago, I did not do so with any sort of intention of meeting someone there. 

On the day that Kevin and I got married, one of my aunts died. She was not the “most” evil of the bunch, but she was pretty horrible. She was the mother of the cousin I lost last year to colon cancer. She was 94 years old. My mom grew up with 6 older sisters, and now there are two left. My aunt on my dad’s side sent my mom a sympathy card, and at first when she told me about it, I thought my aunt on my dad’s side was sending sympathy that I got married. I had already forgotten. My mom isn’t too broken up over this. In fact the last time she had spoken to this sister of hers that died the day I got married, it was about ten years ago and the last thing she said to my mother was, “Fuck you and fuck all of your sisters.”  Of course I had to ask, does that include her as well?  Was she also telling herself, fuck you?  

It’s been hard all these years navigating all the weird pressure and bad advice I’ve gotten from the older generation in my family. That’s one of the reasons why it’s so hard to believe I’m in the good place that I am now. I saw This clip and had to rewatch it several times, laughing hysterically at it. It 100% reminds me of myself answering to all of my old people, and having them get judgmental with me all these years. 

Old Tunnel State Park

This weekend, Kevin and I took a mini trip to Fredericksburg, Texas and this morning went to the “Old Tunnel State Park.”  The trail here surrounds a bat colony. There is a theater with benches for when the bats come out at night. It was very nice and peaceful!! ☺️ 

 

Wedding

Got married today at justice of the peace. 

I’m glad it’s over. 

How on earth do people do this in front of hundreds in a big spectacle? I could never. 

Feeling relieved. 

 

Wedding Gift OMG

First of all, This was posted this morning, and I fell back asleep to it.  I love it, and I wish it was longer.

Secondly, I actually got a wedding gift from a family member.  This family member’s daughter in law messaged me and said she sends the same towel set to anyone getting married and she does the ordering for her mother in law.  She asked me what color I wanted and I said olive green.

 They came yesterday, and I was absolutely shocked not only at the sheer number of towels (There are three missing from the picture, because we had already decided to bathe and use them), but at the fact that I got a wedding gift at all.  Believe me when I tell you, I never expected anyone to be supportive, let alone enough to actually send me a gift.  It truly does feel like I have stepped into a parallel universe where me in a relationship doesn’t enrage everyone.  They are good quality towels!  And I was just thinking, I need new towels.

Insomnia on Days Off and Accomplishments

I only worry about insomnia when I have to work a long day.  During days off and shorter work days, being tired isn’t a big deal, especially since Kevin drives. Last night, Kevin went to bed super early, and I went through all of my fabric scraps. I was able to make a ton of these blocks for denim chenille quilts for when I make an Etsy shop- I made enough for one and  a half 6by 6 quilts. If I just pick up a half yard of navy blue at Walm next time I’m there, I can finish the other half. I also made my scraps into crazy quilt blocks, all pictured below. 

At one time, I was going to make a “skirt out of ties”, but it was a fail. I got the ties on 25 cent day, and they’re all torn up now. I lost interest in that. So I just threw them away. I don’t like being reminded of fails. 

While I worked, I watched the HULU docuseries called “The Devil in the family” about Rube Franke and Jodi Hildebrandt. Now, I had heard their names in the news a lot over the past couple years, but never took the deep dive. I worked with kids for about 20 years, and had one therapist suggest that I had “complex PTSD” from it all. I knew that it involved severe child abuse and wanted to wait until I was ready. When I saw that one of my favorite YouTubers, Alyssa Grenfell, posted a Reaction, I decided it was time to.  I had already renewed my HULU Subscription due to the Octomom docuseries and the fact that the final season of the Handmaid’s Tale is on the horizon. So I just logged on and watched it while I did scraps. 

It was funny to me how much Jodi Hildebrandt reminds me of my now 92 year old radical feminist aunt, whom I often refer to as my “evil aunt”. They had a lot of similarities. Then, I saw that her niece was interviewed. As horrible as my own evil aunt was, at least my mother never sent me to live with her!  If she ever did, then perhaps I would also have escaped to a neighbor’s house with duct tape around my ankles. My aunt did want to send me to the so called “troubled teen industry” though. When I got my first job in a daycare at age 16, she thought it made me want to get pregnant. It actually did, but it’s not like I was trying to. I didn’t even have a boyfriend until I was 18, and even then didn’t actively try to conceive. She actually called a place and told them about me, probably exaggerating the whole time. 

They told her to have my parents call them. She was just my aunt and didn’t have the authority to actually enroll me in anything. So she told my mother, and my mother responded that she wasn’t worried about me getting pregnant, because no one would probably ever want to be with me anyway. I didn’t even know about all of this until years later when I heard it from another cousin. We all have our own stories about her. When she dies y’all will know because the post will be titled “Ding Dong the witch is dead”. Seeing details about Jodi Hildebrandt makes me so glad my parents, despite major faults of their own, kept her mostly at a distance. She did live with us for a while, but not long enough to brainwash my parents into chaining me up. Thank goodness. 

 

Tidbits

 First of all thanks, Kathy G!!  I had absolutely no idea they put you out for a colonoscopy. That’s actually really good news. Such a relief!!  With that being said, why don’t they put you out for gynecological procedures as well?  I’ve had two IUD’s and I’m not going there right now- it’s an enormous debate online whether women deserve anesthesia during IUD insertions. 

Secondly, I finished all the sewing on a rainbow denim chenille quilt that I want to list for sale whenever I make an Etsy shop- 

Of course it’s not done, I still need to do all the clipping. I usually do that if I’ve woken up too early for work and am waiting for whatever Kevin declared “time to leave”. It’s different every morning due to start time and distance, but it is always at the crack of dawn!!  

I have others that are basic blues that I don’t think I’ve ever taken photos of. They need to be clipped as well. I also have a white themed one with white denim:

 

It’s all white denim on the back. I have so much white that this might be king size. 

I’m also going to charge a little more for the rainbows. They require more thought. 

Thirdly, I’ve gotten depressed reading the subreddit Find a Path. Not sure why I’m on there- I’ve pretty much found my path or paths. I just feel sorry for people who feel so lost in life. Especially when they say something similar to, “I’m 22 and I’ve completely ruined my life!”  And it’s something really minor that I also would have catastrophic over at age 22. I feel like Eminem in the song Not Afraid. When I want to tell someone everything is going to be ok, I feel like the first 23 seconds of that song. “It’s been a ride. I guess I had to go to that place to get to this one. Some of you might be in that place, you’re trying to get out. Come follow me. I’ll get you there.”  

Also, since Mariam on TikTok reminded me that today and tomorrow are Purim, I decided to watch my favorite movie version of itEsther. Warning, if you decide to watch the movie in that link about Queen Esther in the Bible, there are a ton of ads!  But it’s free! 

Colonoscopy Advice

 

On April 1 at 3:40 pm, I’m seeing a gastroenterologist (who, in his online profile, seems like a really nice guy but you never know) for a consult for a colonoscopy. 

Last year, I lost my cousin Kathy to colon cancer. Kathy had been sick as a dog for at least two years. At some point, she was scheduled for a colonoscopy, but didn’t go. She went through the “prep” the previous day, and then just didn’t go to the actual colonoscopy, because according to her, the prep made her feel a lot better. “I must have shit out whatever the problem was,” she had said. 

In December of 23, her adult daughter came for a visit and immediately stepped outside to call paramedics. She had looked that bad. They took her to the hospital, and discovered colon cancer which had spread as to her liver and somewhere else. She died at the end of January. It was devastating. 

Sometimes, people on hospice will become reclusive and not want to see or speak to anyone. This is how Kathy was. My mother didn’t understand, but I did because of my previous work as a CNA. Even though they were aunt and niece, they were more like sisters. And Kathy had the type of personality that it didn’t really surprise me that she’d not wanted to see or talk to anyone at the end of life. 

She was also deathly afraid of doctors, and that’s why this was never caught early. As the last year has gone by, I have realized that I am exactly the same way now about doctors. I cancel appointments.  I have exactly the same fears she did. There was one doctor who wrote everything Kathy’s was going through as “anxiety” and just giving her Paxil. My mom originally wanted that doctor sued. But you can’t, I said, you aren’t immediate family and she ditched her colonoscopy anyway. My mom doesn’t remember her saying “I must have shit out whatever the problem was.”  She selectively remembers things. That happened. I blow my mom off when she claims to not remember it. 

I don’t want to end up like Kathy, and I’m seeing so many similarities between me and her. 

I know Kathy could have had many more years on this earth, because her mom (my mom’s sister) is still alive and kicking and will turn 95 in June. Not only that, but she’s been smoking for about 80 years!  

It completely grosses me out to think of having a colonoscopy, and I do NOT want to freak out and ditch the appointment, and I want to go through with it no matter how awful it might be. 

So if anyone has been through a colonoscopy before and can give me some advice in the comments, that would be great!  I feel like people don’t really talk about any other cancers except for the ones that are female specific (breast, cervical, ovarian, uterine, etc). Then people with every other kind of cancer (men AND women), it creeps up on them in stage four when they all along had no idea something was wrong. My daughter is 17 and “wants three kids someday”, so I need to be around. Please tell me what to expect in the comments.   I have a feeling it’s not as bad as it seems, although I don’t have experience so I could be wrong. 

Songs Affiliated with Places

 I actually don’t know what my mom has against “Rocky” (Sylvester Stallone), but she will get pretty blunt when she doesn’t like a celebrity. I’m apathetic to Rocky, but if she hates someone I like, I tune it out, which results in tuning it out even when she’s ranting about someone I’m indifferent towards. It becomes habit. 

Today, I thought of all the times that I got certain songs stuck in my head only because I was in certain places. Probably three years ago now, I drove to Illinois to make a faster way to obtain a copy of my birth certificate. On the way home, I spent the day in Memphis doing the side jobs on the apps there. Don’t you know, I had Walking in Memphis stuck in my head the entire time I was there. One of the top comments in that video used to be, “I got robbed in Memphis.” With thousands of likes, but it seems to be gone. I didn’t get robbed in Memphis thank god’s, but I thought it seemed like a police state with so many cops everywhere. And real cops too!  Not security guards! 

He Used to Meet Me on the East Side gets stuck in my head whenever I’m on the east side of Houston. Every town has an east side. So this would probably be the case no matter where I lived. 

One time someone mentioned that they were from Cuba, and all day long, My Heart is in Havana got stuck in my head. 

And today, as I did inventory in convenient stores in very bad parts of town. I had Elvis In The Ghetto stuck in my head. Several people came in that seemed to be on drugs. The bathrooms said “out of order” and when I told Kevin that I had to go pretty bad and might go across the street, he was like “They aren’t out of order, they just don’t want crackheads in there. Just ask the manager for the key, he’ll give it to you.”  Oh! Ok!  The bathroom worked for me! 

I also want to mention how the top comment in all of those music videos I linked to is “Who’s here in 2025?”  Makes one feel old!  

Funny from my Mother

 On the radio this morning, I heard that the former mayor of Houston, Sylvester Turner, has passed away. When my mother sent me her daily text with the word “Kalimera” (good morning in Greek), I responded- “Kalimera, did you hear that Sylvester Turner passed away?”

She responded that she had not heard. Then went on a semi mini rant about how “ugly and stupid looking he was” and how much she didn’t like him. I kind of thought that was weird. Mayor Turner was just an average looking guy. And when my mom dislikes someone in the public eye, she’s quite outspoken about it. I had never heard her say she didn’t like the mayor. 

About an hour later, she sent me another text saying, “Juat reread your message.  Sorry, I thought you meant Sylvester Stallone.”  I burst out laughing. 

Easter Wreath

 

Today I made this Easter wreath. I really only like celebrating Easter on years when Greek Orthodox Easter falls on the same day as “regular Easter”. That is happening this year!  Several months ago, I got all these styrofoam eggs from a garage sale for $1. I first wrapped the wreath frame with purple scrap fabric I had and then kept spinning it around, hot gluing the shit out of everything. The purple lace came off of a piece of lingerie I got at the thrift store’s 25 cent day. I might still trim some of the hanging lace and move it to other areas of the wreath, idk. It’s already up on the door anyway. 

Dress!!

 I saw signs on the road here in Waller for a clothing consignment boutique/ used clothing. It was in a strip mall. Not noticeable- which is probably why they put up neon signs. I went in and found this for only $15!  He let me try it on and it fit perfectly!  I’m going to cut it a little, as it’s a little long. I’m so relieved that I found something suitable to get married in. 

I’m also suffering some bad insomnia. We have to do inventory at six convenience stores this week- two each day Monday through Wednesday. So I really hope to God I can sleep tonight, or else tomorrow will suck. 

Seed Balls

Seed balls are a type of permaculture gardening that I learned about in the book “Food Not Lawns” by Heather Flores. Heather described seed balls as “one part seed mixture, three parts compost, and five parts clay”. I made them this way with my daughter in the spring of 2011 when she was 3 and a half. They produced a lot of squash, radishes, pea pods, sunflowers, and even our own pumpkin for Halloween. The pumpkin was very hard to carve though, and my father had to do it with the electric knife. 

These days, I ask for “clay” in gardening stores and they don’t know what I’m talking about. I’m not sure what I used as clay in 2011- probably some dirt from the ground that looked red, which I sifted. I don’t remember exactly. 

But this year I bought this mix on amazon. I got seeds for three different kinds of squash, cilantro, spinach, and catnip. I started them in pots because my 88 year old father in law likes to just randomly ride the tractor around, and last year he unknowingly killed all my seed balls. We didn’t tell him, of course I just let it go. It was funny, because one of the main reasons he liked me was because I asked if I could have garden space. 

On my inlaws’ property (where we live in the guest house), there are about a million pots lying around. I used some of them for these seed balls. When they grow big enough, I’ll put them in the ground.  That way when my father in law enjoys his tractor rides, they’ll be easier to see. 

 

Planning a Wedding 💒 👰🏻 🤵‍♂️

 With our marriage license in hand, the courthouse gave us a list of 8 judges that could marry us. We have between 3-90 days to get married before it expires. With a slow work month ahead, our first step was to call our CEO to ask about work ahead and potential days off requests. I made him wait until I got home from my errands to talk with her and put her on speakerphone- she’s known for over a year that we are a couple, but didn’t know we were engaged. I wanted to hear her tone for myself. I care what she thinks. I just do. I’ve only met her in person once, and over email weekly. When Kevin told her we got our marriage license yesterday, she seemed overjoyed. Her tone was as positive and bubbly as could be. I was super thankful for that. Then we decided that the best day to do it would be Monday, March 24th. Since we are getting married at the courthouse, it has to be a weekday. She talked about what accounts wanted what days and such. But when talking about our wedding plans, she seemed overjoyed. 

Then Kevin went for a walk in the park, which he tries to do daily. I started calling the 8 judges. One would be out that whole week, the next one would be in a lengthy trial that entire day and wouldn’t have time. Calling these judges was a little depressing, because of all the negative things mentioned in the recordings. If you have a class C misdemeanor, press 1. For evictions, press 2. For jail press 3. If you have a ticket or whatever else kind of violation press 4.  Finally, if you’re getting married press 5. Jesus Christ, I thought. Imagine grouping getting married with crimes, evictions, and jail. It started to seem like none of the judges could help on 3/24, that is until I called the 7th one. 

His secretary answered and said she was transferring me to the judge, because he does his own scheduling. He seemed like a very elderly hillbilly and such a nice, easygoing guy. He was completely free on the 24th and let me pick a time. I asked him, what is it going to entail?  Do we say vows?  He told me, “It’s your wedding, you can do whatever you want!  You can write your own vows if you want!”  I said, “I really want just very traditional vows.”  He replied, “Ok, I got some!”  Then he asked how many people we are bringing. Since Kevin and I are kind of old (I’m 46 and he’s nearly 60), it’s not like we want a grandiose affair. No one is coming to Texas to watch us get married. I said so far, it’s both of his parents, my mother, my teenage daughter, and possibly two or three of our coworkers and possibly my one and only local friend and her husband. He said that sounded pretty good, and then he said, “Y’all are going to have to bring me fifty bucks! Can you swing that?”  I told him yes we can pay $50.  The judge then said “Ok I need some beer money!”  I said thank you several times before hanging up. It’s 16 days away and I honestly am going to call and confirm in about a week or week and a half because he seems like he might have dementia. I might talk to the secretary that answered the phone too. Like, we’re still on for the 24th right?  Either that or he was drunk. At least he was a nice guy. 

Then my order from amazon came with my dress and my daughter’s dress. They were not the dresses posted below. They were different. Mine in white and hers in green. Hers is cute, but mine is an enormous Nope. There’s no way I’m getting married in this dress. It looked like very nice polyester fabric and a nice pretty and modest design in the pic, but in reality, it’s t-shirt fabric and looks like a combination of a hospital gown and the child brides in The Handmaid’s Tale. I need to buy one in person. I’m never ordering clothes online again. 

I’m not going to return this dress though. I’m actually thinking of tie dyeing it and wearing it over the summer when it’s over 90 degrees. 

I discussed this plan with my cousin/best friend who’s not coming because she lives in Chicago and is a psychiatrist. (Has to work and I didn’t go to her wedding anyway).  I told both her and my daughter NOT to tell my mother about my plans to tie dye this dress for the summer and buy something else to get married in. My mother would purposely misinterpret as, I’m walking down the aisle in tie dye. My cousin/best friend agreed. She then semi seriously said “You would rock it though.”  I said yes. With a rainbow veil. A row of tulle in each color of the rainbow hanging from the tiara. Could you imagine?  And like the 80’s legend Rainbow Brite, I could have a bridesmaid/friend wearing each color.  We cracked up at the idea. I do not have seven local friends, though, even if I did want to pull off something that ridiculous. My mother would die. 

Tomorrow I don’t feel like doing anything. I want to shop Sunday for something to wear to my courthouse wedding.  It doesn’t have to be white. Maybe I’ll even feel like it tomorrow. I’m exhausted. I’m not only getting married, I have a kid who’s graduating from high school, wanting to move in with me upon her 18th birthday and wants to travel with me and take me on a tour of the university she’s attending next year. AND my mother is turning 80.  My life is shifting a lot. A lot a lot. Graduation is May 23, mom turns 80 May 30th, and my kid turns 18 on June 11. 

Then, after all is said and done, I turn 47 on July 17th. My godmother died of cancer at age 47.  I was 12 when she died. She was the first person I lost. Approaching the age she was when she passed is giving me existential crises. She was 47 years and 4 months when she died. It’s hard to imagine that when she was my age, she was at the end of her life and I now feel like I’m just getting started. When she died, it was hard for me to cry, because she looked so different in the casket, and since I was only 12, it was hard for me to comprehend. I was also struggling immensely in grade 7. My mother used to tell me that I didn’t care about my godmother dying. Well obviously I did care, because it’s affecting me still, all these years later. When my mom was pregnant with me, my godmother asked to be my godmother. My parents didn’t have to ask anyone- she and her husband just volunteered. In my baptism picture, she looks so happy carrying me, and I was super cute in my extremely long white dress and white bonnet. I can’t find that picture, and I don’t think I would ever want to. Fixing up my daughter’s room feels similar to setting up a nursery for a new baby. I’m planning a wedding, I’m working, I’m in love, I’m mostly healthy.  It’s a form of survivor’s guilt that I feel like I’m getting a second chance in life when she was on hospice at my exact age. Then worry creeps in that maybe God will punish me for finding happiness again and take me too at age 47. That fear is a symptom of anxiety. It’s the reason why Kevin has been prompting me to listen to Joel Osteen. But no one knows how much time they really have, so I make sure I always tell my daughter how proud I am of her, how much I love her and how glad I am that I had her. I tell Kevin I love him regularly and I thank him semi regularly for everything he’s done for me. I sometimes try to make sure I convey to my mom that I mostly forgive her for the abuse she put me through as a child and that I still want *some* contact with her even though she has friends with adult kids who are no contact.  None of us know if we’ll die tomorrow or 50 years from now, but if I do then I’m just thankful for where I ended up in 2025. I Was Here. I have had a very rough life, but a lot of happiness and success. If I get some more time unlike my godmother, let’s see what unfolds.