Yay, Sleep (& Work Training)

 Yesterday after work, I went to HEB. I knew this little fact about the city of Austin, but I forgot- the grocery stores here don’t give plastic bags. You either have to BYOB, buy canvas ones at the checkout, or throw individual items into your car. I bought five and stored them in my pantry. I told my daughter this last night, and now she wants to make reusable bags for herself and for me. 

I slept about 12 hours last night, which felt great. Some of the training modules at work looked like the print was shrinking about 2-3:00 pm. It wasn’t. It was just me. 

A lot of the training modules are common sense, but there are a lot of them that are teaching things I’ve never learned before. For instance, I know what discrimination is, I know about how to prevent falls and what to do in case of falls. I know about seizures, I know about choking and safe swallowing, etc. But this is a group home for adults with developmental disabilities. It’s not something I’ve done before. I have worked with elderly people in their homes, and I have worked with kids. Not this, although I have cared for younger adults in their homes who had developmental disabilities through the other company I worked for in the past. 

This is something I didn’t know- back in 2014, there was an entire federal law passed to ensure that people with disabilities aren’t kept out of the community like they have been in the past. I don’t remember the exact name of it, but it’s basically saying they have the right to go places and do things. You might often hear older people say things like, “Everyone is disabled now!” And act like it’s a new epidemic or phenomenon. I’ve heard my mom say that before. But this isn’t the case- it’s just that when they were younger, disabled people were kept away from society in institutions, and they weren’t aware of them. 

Another training module was on “PBS” or “Positive Behavior Support” and it was a handful of terms from ABA. Some might remember this, but in the beginning of this year I spent 8 days as a trainee in an ABA facility, and I found it extremely weird, counterintuitive, and unethical. This was a center that did ABA on very young children from M-F 8-5. Not a group home for adults like this. I did some googling for “Is PBS ABA?” And discovered that it’s just sort of-semi based on it?  But it’s nowhere near as controlling or arbitrary. There are also several training modules on the importance of these individuals having choices and autonomy, so it can’t possibly be the ABA I remember from that horrific 8 days in February. 

I also found out that there is an actual ABA company called Positive Behavior Support- and it’s the worst of the worst. But it’s not the “method” of PBS. It’s the actual company name, and they do ABA. 🤦🏻‍♀️ There is a lot of information to dig through. If anyone wants to educate me in the comments, please do. 

All in all, I am thankful for the opportunity to work full time with the same people in the same place every day. Trying to learn the routines of different people constantly was stressful. This is also going to be the night shift, midnight until 8:00 am. So what my shift will look like is probably 3/4 watching people sleep/oversee if they get up at night and 1/4 morning routines. I can definitely deal with that. 

Hopefully I can get more housework done today!

First Full Day as an Austinite

 I’m totally exhausted. I do not have my bed here in the new apartment, so I’m sleeping on a mat with my blanket. I couldn’t sleep at all last night. Never have I ever moved to a new city one day and started a new job the next. 

When we moved from Chicago to Houston in 1993, it was about three months later that school started. When I moved from Phoenix to Houston in 2002, it was about ten days later that I found a job. 

Two things about this job that stood out- we actually aren’t allowed to wear scrubs!  Wow!  Usually you have to wear scrubs. They do not want the residents feeling a stigma because of us wearing scrubs. When I asked what to wear, they simply said “Whatever is comfortable.”  This morning, I actually thought about wearing scrubs but didn’t. I thought it would make me look like an ass-kisser. Turns out, it would have made me look like a stigmatizer 🤷🏻‍♀️

If you date a coworker, you must report it to HR!  Hahaha well they don’t have to worry about that with me since I already married my supervisor from a previous job. 🤦🏻‍♀️ I texted Kevin as soon as I could about the “report it to HR” rule. We would have both gotten fired haha. 

Orientation and training is the whole week. I am so exhausted. 

JJ is loving the new place, but he doesn’t seem to like being an only child. He does like the perpendicular mirrors in the bathroom that make it look like TWO other cats are staring back at him. You should have seen the shenanigans he did when he discovered this. 

I really hope I get good rest tonight!  

Move-in Meltdown

 I am moved in to the new place, but not Kevin!  He has to work on the Houston crew a little while longer, whereas my new job starts TOMORROW!  

It was impossible to move over the weekend with Saturday being the Fourth of July and Sunday being Sunday. 

Yesterday was Sunday the fifth, and not only did all of our old neighbors around my in-laws’ property decide to set off fireworks a day late, but both my mother and my mother in law decided that the day before I leave was the perfect day for both of them to express disapproval and disappointment at our decision to move to Austin. Each of them thought the other one was moving in with us!  Why!  

I decided to hold off on freaking out about their disapproval until after I signed the lease so I wouldn’t be able to do anything about it. Then Kevin and I moved all my stuff into the apartment, he left for Houston area, and I went to Walmart. 

All of our appliances are black so I picked out black items for the apartment- bathroom decor, a dish rack, a new frying pan, kitchen towels and potholders etc. Then got all the toilet paper and paper towels. A broom and swiffer starter set, the Clorox toilet wand set, paper plates and bowls, etc. I got to the check out and the chip reader isn’t working. I’ve had this problem at Walmart before- the cashiers deal with it by swiping the card 3-4 times and then because of that, the card gets declined. You end up having to call the bank to say that’s really you and Walmart is being shady like that. 

The last time this happened, I was getting an oil change so I was stranded and had to walk to a bank to make a withdrawal with my identification and clear up the debit card. This time, I just had to be disappointed that I spent 2-4 hours in Walmart on moving day and got all this cute semi matching black stuff. I didn’t get any of it. I ended up going to Costco.  No cute black decor, and I had to get massive quantities of stuff like toilet paper and paper plates and ziplock bags. Sometimes I like getting massive quantities, but not after that Walmart fiasco. I am seriously never going to Walmart again. 

I really wish I could have had the weekend here to set up and shop more, but nope. I have to do onboarding the rest of the week from pretty much 9-5 and then start on the graveyard shift the following week. 

In between Walmart and Costco, I called Kevin and cried my ass off about both of our moms not liking that we moved here. He honest to God seriously doesn’t care what they think. I do!  I told him, you know what, when we got engaged and then married and NO ONE I KNOW had any problem with it, even though he’s more than a decade older than me and even though he’s was my supervisor- and even though no one has EVER been ok with the idea of me with any man at all, ever- still no one had anything to say about it. People just let me do what I wanted and that was CRAZY. At the time I asked my mother why so many people were ok with me getting married like this and she said something to the effect of, because I was older now and had “all these life experiences” (never mind of course that all those life experiences were also things most of them were against). Since then, I just assumed that a perk of being this old was that I got to do what I wanted. I’ve been wanting to move to Austin basically since 2020 or so. I just couldn’t because of my daughter. But now my daughter is in college in San Marcos and has also decided that she wants to settle here in the Austin area or the Texas hill country. There are other reasons too, which I’ll get into, but as soon as I brought it up to Kevin, he thought it was an AMAZING idea. 

He has been more pumped about it lately than me. I was even starting to get cold feet about it, but he’s excited for it. I’m trying to get as pumped about it as he is. Which is weird because it was my idea!  

It was a setback to disappointment both moms. Also, it must be said that two women in their 80’s should have learned to deal with change by now. 

I invited my mother up for my birthday on July 17th. She then actually mistook my birthday for the 10th and said she had plans. I asked her if she forgot when my birthday was, and she got more mad. Then I asked her who her hot date was with, and it was Armageddon. I thought, might as well, she’s already mad I’m moving. 

Two things about living in a blue city-

I only have one cat with me right now. The leasing agent referred to Jordan with they/them pronouns. I actually am not sure if she didn’t know that only one of the cats is with me or if she was doing that because she wasn’t sure the sex of the cat. 

He was in a carrier big enough for only one cat. I’m still not sure. 🤔 

Five More Days

 I moved to the Houston area right before I turned 24. Now I’m coming up on turning 48. That means I’ve lived in the Houston area for exactly half of my life. In five more days, I leave the city I spent exactly half my life in. That’s daunting, but my mom was also turning 48 when she left Chicago, and she’d been there her entire life. She used to guilt me about that, too!  

I’m ready to go right Meow.  I’m actually thinking of calling the leasing office and paying from my own checking account for two more days of “pro-rated July”. It would just be nice to have the weekend to be doing all of that. I also do not want Kevin to think I’m trying to get rid of him. I’m not. I just want to get moving activities out of the way. He is off this weekend and can hang with me over the weekend regardless. He’s staying until his Houston manager hires new people. I have a feeling he will not hire anyone just to make it hard on Kevin to transfer. 

I worked Sunday with a new client. When GCboss asked me to work with a brand new client, I cringed all the way to McCringey town. I’m leaving!  Why!  But it was ok. The lady suffered from sundowning, which made it a challenge. During her sundowning episode, I asked her if she needed to use the restroom. She told me, “Feel free to use the restroom any time you’d like!”  “Thank you, I will,” I replied. “But what about you, do you need to go?”  

“What business is it of yours?” She asked. This is common with dementia and sundowning. I gently reminded her that I would help her in the restroom. She cursed me out. That’s fine. Once it was time to leave, though, she didn’t want me to. She said, “Thanks for a lovely visit.”  After that, I decided if GCboss asked me to work with anyone else except for the “usual” 89 year old that I was scheduled with M-F, then I would not. Friday is my last day. 

Unfortunately though, Monday she had to enter the hospital. I went to Starbucks by her house, had a coconut Ube Macchiato and worked on my spiral notebook. She texted me asking me to come early because she wasn’t well. Her nurse was there when I arrived. She took a nap after the nurse left and then wanted me to call EMS to take her to the hospital. The nurse also said to go. So I’m just staying home now in the event she gets home before Friday morning. I am not responding to GCboss unless it’s about her. I think she’ll be ok, but honestly I’m not sure. 

I’m going to work in a group home, and this is what this 89 year old told me (mostly because she’s upset I’m leaving.). She said, “Now listen! You Be careful of those mental cases!  You be careful of those mentals!”  I had to stop and laugh because of her Boston accent and the way it sounded. Then she caught herself and said, “I know!  I’m also mental!”  I reminded her that I, too, am “mental”.  It’s fine. Who isn’t? 

I will be working M-F from midnight to 8 am, which likely means Sunday night to Thursday night. I have a feeling I’ll end up working with Kevin again, but we’ll see. It’s more of a priority for him to transfer. But working at a facility is going to be wayyyyyyy less stressful than going to different peoples houses all the time. 

0.8 miles from my new place is also a quilt shop with lots of classses. When Kevin and I checked it out, they were holding a long arm class. Long arm machines intimidate me. If I ever did piecework that needed to be quilted I’d find someone to do that to them. 

And as much as I have been to Austin in the last five or six years for retail audits, I must say that the slight cultural differences between Houston and Austin are more apparent to me now. It’s only the closest major city to me now, but it still seems like a whole new culture. I’m going to have to adopt some “when in Rome” mentality, but not sure what for yet. 

Our New Apartment

Kevin and I just walked out of a nice leasing office of a nice complex on the north side of Austin with an official move in date of Monday July 6. 

Well, for me anyway!  I’m moving in by myself for a couple weeks so that I can start a new job on 7/7 and he wraps up with the Houston crew of his job. The apartment has a built in desk! 

Some other things it has that his parents’ guest house doesn’t have: Bath tub (guest house only has a shower stall), central air (guest house has window units), a dishwasher, washer and dryer, pest control services, a pantry, a whole fitness center, and walking distance from this beautiful park. 

I’m so drained from the anxiety. 

Kevin is now taking me out for margaritas. 

It’s also 0.8 miles from a quilting store with tons of classes. 

 

Five Free Sub Sandwiches

Today I did five mystery shops at five different Subway locations in about two hours’ time. Four of the jobs I did paid $8 plus the reimbursement of the sandwich, and one paid $23 plus the reimbursement of the sandwich. I guess they needed that one more, which makes sense. She was extremely rude!  (The other four were great.)  When doing these on the field agent app, you have to order an all American club and make no modifications. 

The sandwich comes with turkey, ham, bacon, lettuce, tomato, onion, mayo, and American cheese. 

I ate one for lunch and came home with four.  These mystery shops were in Brenham(2), Bellville, Chapel Hill, and Hempstead. There were no homeless people to give these to. 

I also did a separate field agent job in Belleville that paid $13. 

They put way too much mayo on these to justify saving them for later. They’d be too soggy. So here’s what I did. First, I took off all of the bacon and fried it. Lord knows it doesn’t seem like Subway cooks their bacon. It really seems like raw bacon. That’s why I always asked for toasted. But two locations has non working toasters, including rude girl’s location. So I fried it myself and used whatever mayo I couldn’t scrape off as the fat to cook it in. 

Then I chopped up half of an onion I had in a ziplock in the fridge. I cooked it with the bacon. Then when those looked soft, I added a package of refried beans. I let it cook a little while then added all tomatoes and lettuce from the sandwiches, minus whatever had too much mayo left on it. 

I added the cheese on top after I turned the heat off. Then I set the bread aside, wrapped in foil for Kevin to make his own sandwiches if he wants to. He’s a vegetarian, so I cut up the ham and turkey for my three cats. 

 

Austin Tour Day

Thank you all for all the lovely comments of support regarding Kevin and I and our cats moving to Austin. 

I went there the other day (Wednesday) to look at rentals. 

I drove by a mural that said Black Lives Matter. That’s wonderful, and Austin really is a blue dot in a red state, but let me say Houston is pretty blue and actually very diverse. When I first moved here in the early 2000’s, I was surprised to find out that 90 languages are spoken here. 

It’s a beautiful place, but time to move on. I was almost 24 when I moved here by myself and I’m almost 48 now. I’ve lived here half of my life! 

One thing I noted about people that I talked to in Austin about rentals. Every. Single. One. Asked if any of our cats are emotional support animals. This is because if they are, then you do not have to pay pet rent, and I think you get out of the deposit too. 

They are not-not officially- but, they do the job. 

I kind of chuckled, because that seems like a blue city thing. No one in Houston asks that. In fact, if they were ESA’s, and I brought it up to a property manager or landlord and said “This is my emotional support animal,

I’m not going to pay the deposit” I think most of them would laugh me out of there. 

I did ask a shrink once if Alex could be consider one. This was the shrink that got me hooked on gabapentin. We went through the whole conversation with her thinking Alex was a dog. It seemed like she was about to do it. Then I corrected her that Alex was a cat, and she said, “Oh a cat?  Oh, then no.”  Lol. Immediately no!  

I’ve shared that story online with cat people just to hear their reactions, and it’s always negative. 

We looked at this little blue house. This house is only 600 square feet and somehow has two bedrooms!  

We haven’t seen the inside yet, but drove past it. It’s cute. But idk yet. 

Also, gift card boss seems to have cut my hours because I told her we are moving. My schedule next week looks abysmal. It’s actually only 6 hours with the 89 year old that’s going to be super sad that I’m leaving. This 89 year old asked me to come on my free time to help her out with her paying me under the table so she doesn’t have to pay gift card boss. I had to decline. I signed a paper saying I would not do that. She understands. Not looking forward to telling her about the move. 

 

Special Announcement

My husband and I are moving to Austin! 

I suggested it a few months back.  Kevin liked the idea, but the rent is too cheap here to really try and leave. 

Then, my in-laws announced they are selling their property, and we will need to move out of the guest house. 

 

Austin has started to grow on me the last couple of years. I’ve been there a lot, due to my daughter going to college in San Marcos and my side jobs (apps) having more lucrative opportunities in the area. 

There are some other reasons why I’d like to live there, which I’ll get into later. Kevin would also like to transfer to work on the Austin crew of his company due to how toxic the manager and his wife have become. Kevin tried to job hunt and had no luck due to the fact that this is all he has done since the mid 90’s. I have experience in a couple other areas, so it was easy for me. My father always told me to have three careers, even if it means being a “jack of trades”. Turns out he was right.  

Well Kevin got it approved to transfer to the Austin crew, so plans are underway. We are looking at places and have until September. 

I told gift card boss about us moving, and she was sad, but supportive. She said I would be very, very missed and offered me a reference. That company has two offices in the Austin area, and one slightly outside the area. I could get a job there, but it would be a last resort. I’m unhappy as a caregiver, but once I actually do the act of moving and setting up house, I may not be so down in the dumps and ready to take it on again. Like I said,

It’s a great job when the clients are great. 

So wish me and Kevin  luck! Anna is also excited about having us nearby. She’s getting a townhouse near Texas state with four or five other girls. I’m very anxious about it, but I don’t show it in front of her. When I was her age, I did the same thing!  I would say, “But that was before Brian Kohberger”,

And it was, but that’s my mom fears kicking in.  

Anna is also not having a great summer. The kids at the YMCA day camp are behaviorally challenged, and a boy is giving her mixed signals. I just want to fix everything for her. The young adult phase is harder than the infant and toddler phase!  Those phases were fun!  

Fake Hair Don’t Care

 I ordered some inexpensive fake hair pieces on the TikTok shop. It’s been a little hard to match the coloring of my natural hair, but this is the closest I have come so far. I love the way this looks. I only had my husband take a picture so I could see the color difference between my real hair and the ponytail. I would think that this slight difference is ok, but any other opinions welcome. And after this picture was taken, I did redo my real hair so that little piece wouldn’t stick out the side. 

I also actually love how my back and shoulders look. Before I lost 20 pounds, they looked way different. I feel like my upper arms have shrunk, and I look more toned although not the most toned person in the world. I stepped on the scale this morning and it read 196, so up a pound or two, but another downside to being a caregiver for elderly people is that the constipation seems to be contagious.i always seem to catch it from the ones who freak out about it the most. I was 212 when I started the weight loss pill, and 215 about a week or two before.  

Tidbits

 I got this text out of the blue from my company. Well that’s helpful. My mom said “Why couldn’t they round it up to $120?”  

Yup, idk. Then I found out that it’s based on how much you drove in April and May. Everyone’s bonus will be different. I’m happy with $119.94. 

My daughter turned 19 on June 11.  I’ve been worried about her, as she’s a little overwhelmed by her summer job. When I worked at the children’s museum, kids from the YMCA day camps had a reputation of being the most “behaviorally challenged.”  I was very worried when she said they added a kid to her group who has a problem with eloping. I was relieved when I found out that kid had his own aide with him at all times. Thank God my daughter doesn’t have to keep this escape artist in one place while having to supervise other kids. She’s often too tired to talk much in the evenings. We are celebrating her birthday this weekend. 

I was thinking back to 2007, I used to be on a website for women called Ivillage. They had message boards for everything, including “expecting clubs” for every month. I actively posted and commented in the June, 2007 expecting club, even though my OBGYN really wished I wouldn’t- it seemed like those women had every complication known to womankind, and they made me paranoid. But, there was one woman in that group who was a “sovereign citizen.”  This means she didn’t believe in government at all. My husband often watches arrest videos on YouTube, and I think of her whenever sovereign citizens come up. She gave birth unassisted to a boy 6 days before I had my daughter on June 5, 2007. She didn’t give him a birth certificate or a social security number. In fact, she didn’t even give him a name, claiming he would choose his own once he could speak. 

I’ve been thinking about that kid a lot lately- how is he doing trying to enter adulthood with no documentation? They lived in Florida, somewhere near Sarasota at the time. I wonder if he is able to work, go to school, get his own place to live, and so on. Perhaps at some point he may have been taken by social services if his parents were arrested and grew up with another family who encourages him in the right direction. 

Thrifting Thoughts

I have been thinking lately about the person that wrote the recipes in cursive in the first 16 pages of the blank book I got on 25 cent day. I started wondering, if I try one of those recipes and do something odd, there might be a situation like this: 

In other words, I wonder if her spirit would be judging me. There are those memes going around with an elderly woman looking judgmentally down from heaven, and the caption reads, “Your grandma watching you cook chicken in an air fryer.” 

I’m also wondering that about the clothing I’m cutting up. What if this was someone’s favorite pair of jeans, and they’re watching me from heaven as I desecrate it?  Meh. I shouldn’t think too hard on it. 

The act of taking all these clothes and cutting them up into 6 inch squares is very anxiety reducing. It’s great. Sewing them into quilts is also anxiety reducing. I felt the same way about doing inventory in stores back when I worked with my husband. Scan, quantity, enter, over and over again, I mean it balled up this static energy and forced it out. I like that feeling. 

I am ending two days off in a row now. Tomorrow, which is Friday, I’m working with the woman who has ten hour shifts. But, she’s going to the cardiologist. She can’t get into a regular car, so GCboss arranged a transport service in a wheelchair accessible van. GCboss said the driver will help me get her in and out of the wheelchair. You know what, I really hope so, because she isn’t able to bear weight at all during transfers. And she’s larger. I cannot lift her into the wheelchair by myself. A smaller person I could, and a larger person who can bear weight during transfers I could. But neither apply to her, and even though GCboss says the driver will help, I’m still worried that they won’t. It’s causing me a TON of stress this evening, but I’m trying not to think about it. GCboss DID say they’d help. I’m just worried it will be someone with the “I don’t get paid enough” attitude.  

I also have to wear scrubs that match, because of going to the doctor. I admit, my scrub bottoms and tops often don’t match. Or I will just wear a nice t shirt with scrub bottoms sometimes. I just have to remember that in the morning. It was so much easier when I had a uniform. 

 

Thrifting 25 Cent Day

Every Wednesday morning from 7-11 am is 25 cent day at the Family Thrift Outlet on Hwy 6 in west Houston. There is another Family Thrift location on Hwy 6 about 4-6 miles north of the outlet location-

And the one 4-6 miles north is NOT an outlet. The items will be more expensive. The outlet is next to a Chinese restaurant called Cafe East. 

My daughter wants plaid flannels for her own projects. She’s doing something with them on hats and jackets. Above is a picture of all the plaid flannels I could find, but it was towards the end of the morning once I started having an eye out for them. 

It’s seldom that they’ll have books left on 25 cent day, but I was able to find this blanket book. On the first page, someone wrote recipes tried after 12/1/1986. Then, there are a few pages of handwritten recipes. If your cursive reading is up to par, you might be able to try some yourself. I can read cursive, but I have to strain and make it out slowly. This was the best find for a while, and I plan on writing my own recipes in subsequent pages. 

 

Marjane Satrapi and Truth in Storytelling

 For a few weeks or a few months now, I’ve been planning to blog about this old interview of Marjane Satrapi talking (especially in the first 60 seconds of that video) about writing something based on your own experiences and it not being 100% true. 

I suppose now would be the time to mention it, because Marjane died yesterday at age 56. It doesn’t state the cause of death other than to say she “died of a broken heart” one year after the death of her husband. 

Americans would never put it that way, but she died in Paris, and dying of a broken heart is real. I can imagine being devastated over the loss of your spouse. Sometimes I’m lying with Kevin and I can’t imagine it. I could see myself being in the danger zone of dying from sadness, but refusing to. 

I liked Persepolis when I read it, and I liked what she had to say in the first 60 seconds of that video even more. When writing something based on your own experiences, like she did with Persepolis and like I’m doing with The Child Advocate, the story will not be written down EXACTLY how it happened as if the camera had been running. This is important for me to remember, since these therapists tried to sabotage me by asking me if I was sure that happened instead of xyz other thing. Liberties have to be taken, or else it doesn’t become a story. Details also have to be changed to protect anonymity of people we worked with. Memories get convoluted over time, not because we are shitty crazy people, but because we are human. 

Rest in Peace, MJ. Thanks for the masterpiece. 

Therapy Update

 About two weeks ago, I made a grave mistake. I decided to give up on therapy- you can read about it here. Then I decided to give it another try. I had three sessions with this last lady. The first two went pretty good!  Then in the third one, when talking about some abuse I suffered at the hands of my aunt, this new therapist started getting verbally nasty with me and reprimanded me to “just not focus on the past!”  She said in a very demeaning tone to only focus on the present, like Buddhists. 

Well, first of all I’m not Buddhist. But that’s not the issue. I was a sobbing mess for the rest of the afternoon. I feel like it’s considered unfathomable to tell anyone who suffered abuse to just not dwell on it and not to focus on the past. And with such a nasty tone, too. If she’d done this to anyone else, it would be considered wrong. 

In the middle of my verbal beating, she paused and asked, “Am I being too strict with you?”  So she knew what she was doing!  In the moment, I had to say, no you aren’t  obviously when you’re being verbally accosted like this, you can’t say “yes you’re being too strict.” You just can’t, because you’re being extremely reduced.  Many advocates of therapy would say I should have spoken up and said yes you are, so she could “know she needed to try a different approach” but how on earth was I supposed to feel strong enough to do that when I was being literally accused of choosing to live in the past, when trying to process abuse I suffered???

I really should have been screen recording the session, but I didn’t even think about it. She was pretty great for my first two sessions. If I had been screen recording the session, I would have proof of the way she just went off on me. Might I add, “the past” is something I thought you were supposed to “dwell on” and “process” in therapy. 

I am absolutely not going to seek out another therapist for real this time. Most, if not all of them, are toxic individuals, and the narrative about therapy that’s out there in society just isn’t reality for me. It puts me in a situation where whatever anxiety I felt before is made worse exponentially. I am not someone who goes and is able to get the help other women get. 

I just need to accept that there is no help for me and move forward with my purpose. Telling someone like me to “just find a new therapist” is toxic and minimizing. I did “find a new therapist” when I made three consecutive weekly appointments with this lady. And she was great at first and then turned on me in the third session. It’s devastating when this happens. 

20 YearsAgo Today

June 4, 2006 was my first day working as a Discovery Guide at the children’s museum. I worked there for several years. I left in order to finish my last semester and summer sessions to get my college degree. I crammed classes into those sessions that wouldn’t have been possible with a job. It was single-handedly the biggest mistake of my life. I threw my life away for someone else’s dream. 

Working there fulfilled the career goal I set at about age 21 to help children, and it was the only thing I ever did that fulfilled that and wasn’t sad. It was joyous. Thousands of kids from the community could come in and learn on their own terms. I facilitated all of that, and if only I could have a dollar for all of the “aha moments” I saw in their faces. 

Four months later, I found out i was pregnant, and two and a half years after that, I started going through a divorce from Anna’s father. The museum and the people there (and also Anna’s daycare at the time) were such a wonderful support system. I never brought Anna to work while I was on the clock, but I brought her there on my off times to play, because I had a free membership. She was obsessed with that place!  When I was about 8 months pregnant, the head of the cleaning ladies there told me, “Whatever you hate the smell of when you’re pregnant, the baby will love .” I said, “I hate the smell of this museum!” And lo and behold she was correct. 

I went through my phone and added whatever pics I could find from there. Some are during busman’s holidays with Anna when I was not working, and some are from different October's, when we were all required to wear costumes for two weeks preceding Halloween. 

Anna in front of a “carry a kid” 

Pillar on the outside- it’s a spoof on the “caryatids” in Ancient Greece. 

This meme reminded me of field trip days. It really was like this n

Me dressed as a chicken for Halloween.  

Me as an ice cream sundae for Halloween. 

Anna with my coworker, dressed as Snow White for Halloween. 

Anna in one of the changing exhibits that I really don’t remember the details of. 

Anna in the eco station. 

Anna with a doll. 

My baby shower in May, 2007. 

Me and Anna in the two and under play exhibit called “totspot”. 

Anna doing a special Christmas activity. I don’t know why she looks perturbed at the presenter!