Chicken and Dumplings 🥟 🍗

 

I took my coworker’s advice and used my bread recipe to make dumplings. I cooked the chicken in the crockpot first. I seasoned it with lemon pepper. I then cooked onion and celery in chicken broth and stock and mixed it all together with the chicken and dropped dumplings balls into the boiling broth. It was really good!!!

30th Reunion

 Remember in the 90’s when panoramic photos were all the rage?  I remember having to line up to go onto the football field to take this picture and thinking, who would want a panoramic photo of over 500 people?  Little did I know that I’d be pouring over it 30 years later. This is my high school graduating class in 1996. I’m towards the front center with a white t shirt, shorts, and skinny legs. 

The girl next to me on my left was a good friend of mine. When my aunt stayed with my family on and off and was very abusive, she was very supportive. She would even joke (at least I think she was joking) about taking revenge on my aunt herself. It was funny to me, but some other kids said she actually wasn’t joking 😬 

Our 30th class reunion will take place this October 17th at a popular restaurant in the Phoenix area. I would love to take Kevin, but I’m not sure if it will happen. Kevin is a big travel hater, despite having to travel for work a lot. Besides, I feel like it just might be a handful of people I didn’t even know or care about back then. 

It’s easy to look at your 18 year old self and think of what you’d tell her. Honestly though, if you followed that advice then different things would have gone wrong. It’s possible you wouldn’t even be alive today, and if by the grace of god you were, then  you might be looking at this pic wanting to give her even different advice still. 

Cat Surgery

Alex had surgery today!  This cyst on the corner of his mouth was surgically removed. 

He was a good boy

HIPAA doesn’t apply in veterinary care!  And two Lunas!

Alex was a trooper. He also had a tooth pulled, ears cleaned out, and claws clipped

 

Honor Flight vs Honor Walk

 I was scrolling TikTok the other day and came across this lovely video of a person who just happened to be at Austin Bergstrom Airport when they saw an honor flight. I didn’t know what that was at first- it’s to fly veterans back and forth to DC to visit things that honor them. 

I got it confused with an honor walk and thought they were going to walk by with a casket. However, an honor walk is a bit different. This is when someone is either in their very final moments or has just passed away, and they are an organ donor. The hospital staff lines the halls to honor the person donating and show support for the family. The family walks behind. If the person is still alive during the honor walk, they are extubated when they reach the operating room and allowed to pass naturally. I think most of the time though, they are already gone. I’m not sure. 

If the thing in the airport was for a deceased person, the bagpipes would have been playing amazing grace and not that cute upbeat song they were playing. That’s why I got confused and did some googling. 

I do have one gripe, though- the three people holding the flags in the front were not stepping in time with the guards and the bagpipers. I did color guard very briefly in high school, as well as a couple other flag holding things, and if it’s a military thing, you should coordinate your steps. Oh well it was very nice and would have been nice to see in person!!

No Classes Were Wasted in the Changing of this Major!

My daughter Anna texted me last night to announce that she’s changing my her major. It’s only her second year of university, and she hasn’t taken any upper level classes yet.  So everything she took last year and is taking this semester still “counts”. 

 

Anna on her first day of university sophomore year ⬆️ 

When I went to parent orientation over a year ago now, they told us how normal and expected it was for young people to change majors. It wasn’t considered normal when I was Anna’s age!  I remember older people shaming the hell out of us for changing!  We were expected to pick one thing at age 18 and stick with it until about age 65!  

I’m glad things are different for Gen Z. 

Anna went through a phase a few years ago where she wanted to be a genetic counselor. At the time, I was following a lady on social media who had three children- one older daughter who was healthy, who was from her first marriage. Then two little ones who had a severe genetic disease. They both passed away, and her older daughter went away to college. She ended up becoming very depressed. Anna was inspired by her family, but also had a high interest in genetics. I remember when she was about 12-13, she made her own comics about fantasy cats. She made entire family for the characters she made up. Each one had a slightly different characteristic. If I can find these drawings, I’ll post them. 

Here’s Anna this past summer in Alaska when she went with her step grandmother and dad’s side of the family-

Denim Chenille Apliquè

 This was my first attempt at denim chenille appliqué. I’m not sure about this. I think in a whole quilt, instead of these prototypes, it would look nicer. 

I realize I didn’t clip the middle seams before washing. The purple is a circle- you can’t even tell 😕

And yes I know it would look better if the thread matched, but these are prototypes and I was just experimenting. At least I fixed my tension!

Bracelet + Friday Tidbits

 One of the ladies that lives in the group home I work at made me this bracelet. 

Kevin texted me this morning saying that both the Houston and Austin crews are going to Corpus Christi next week. He was lamenting about how he shouldn’t have to go on the corpus trip because he moved to Austin, only to find out Austin is going too. Then he texted the owner of the company and asked if he could move here permanently after corpus. She responded yes and that she was “looking forward to having him in central Texas”.  See, I knew it.

Today I stayed late at work until about 10:00 am. Then i came home and crashed for a few hours. I washed all of my bedding when I woke up and flipped the mattress. I swept and mopped the bedroom and went out for new cat litter. I had scooped the litter boxes and added the rest of all the litter I had. New homes are always easier to clean!

So I had a consultation with a therapist who is willing to see me, the problem is that I don’t trust her at all. I realize that I do not know her that well and that I’m basing my opinion of what will happen on past experiences. But therapy itself just seems so flawed to me all of a sudden. I really just don’t want to go at all, the problem is that in our society you aren’t really “allowed” to not want therapy. If you had several bad experiences, then too bad. There is insane pressure to go to therapy in this society, and if you don’t go you’re a pariah. Therefore I literally do not have a choice. 

I explained to her that one therapist diagnosed me with PTSD based on symptoms and the next one took the diagnosis away based on my childhood being too privileged (married parents with enough money etc). Then there was the other one who didn’t believe my story and kept condescendingly if I was sure X happened and not YZ.  This therapist validated me that I “should be believed”, but that doesn’t mean she’s not going to retract that validation down the line in three or four or ten sessions. These consultations are so problematic, because even if the therapist does agree to take you on, she might just need money really badly and is telling you what you want to hear to get you in and then will change her tone later. The therapist that took away my cptsd diagnosis completely switched personalities in the middle of the third session. She went from very understanding and great to basically telling me to get over it- something other women wouldn’t be able to handle. 

I’m just extremely, extremely uncomfortable about opening up to anyone at all. I really don’t even want to tell this lady my symptoms. What would be the point? There is still the possibility that she won’t believe me about anything. I really don’t know what to do anymore except tell these people “I don’t know.”  Because I can think up something to tell them, and then that might be the thing that turns them toxic. The fact that so many had a problem with me meeting my husband on the job when he was my supervisor makes me scared to death that they’ll make me leave him without even knowing him. It’s all just very scary and pointless. 

Another thing that doesn’t sit right with me is when people say, “Find a therapist who will believe you!” And suggest or outright say that I should interview them about this beforehand. That just sounds so not normal. Am I interviewing people to pay them to believe me?  Why should anyone have to do that?  People either believe people or they don’t. It shouldn’t be anyone’s “job” but yet, it is. And no one else sees how wrong that seems?  I can also fake believing someone’s story if you were paying me $100-$200 per hour. I’ll validate your ass all day. But would that be real validation, and why do I need their validation anyway?  

All of the pressure to see a therapist really comes from online spaces such as facebook groups for anxiety, depression and cptsd. Also TikTok. Because for some reason my damn algorithm has therapists and “mental health advocates” which is making me honestly not even want to go on. I can log back into Facebook and  block all the mental health groups or I can just suspend my account again. Then I noticed that a lot of the profiles that are diehard mental health advocates seem to be bots. One of them said, “Having a BA in psychology doesn’t make someone a good therapist.”  And- they’re right. Therapists have masters degrees. Right away I started noticing bot characteristics. And that’s definitely possible. People insert bots with an agenda into online spaces all the time. Real people would mostly generally believe that someone shouldn’t do something they really don’t want to do and no longer bet they can benefit from. (Such as me with therapy). 

I texted this therapist that I wasn’t comfortable and she said she would cancel my appointment but also keep it open for me if I still wanted it (which isn’t canceling). It’s on 9/9 at 9 am. That’s my next pay day as well. I want to tell her again no PLEASE cancel it but if I also don’t want to dip into territory where she’s “setting boundaries with me because I texted her” because that is so obnoxious. I’m thinking I will just leave it alone until 9/8, maybe by then I’ll change my mind, but if not, then I still won’t text her and if she complains that I didn’t show up, I’ll just show the text where I said to cancel. Of course that opens up the possibility that she’ll still charge me and it will take a million years to get my $125 back. See how I can’t open up to these ppl?  They honestly just cause more anxiety. 

The Best PB&J in the World

About 15 years ago, when Anna was little and it was just me and her in my own apartment, one time I made some homemade bread. While it was still warm, I got out one of those jars of peanut butter and jelly stripes and spread a bunch on a slice for her. When she ate it, she told me, “Mommy, this is the best peanut butter and jelly sandwich in the whole world.” 

Well, today I recreated it. I couldn’t find PB&J stripe jars, so I just got regular peanut butter and “four berry jam”.  

I know the bread wasn’t baked all the way through, but it was still good!  I put it back in for ten minutes after eating this slice. 

I made this loaf for myself, Kevin, my coworker, and the five ladies in the group home I work at. They all liked it, but my coworker said it was a little heavy. She said it would make good dumplings. I said, what would?  She said “That recipe, but make dumplings instead of bread.” 

Oh, ok?  I never have made dumplings. Maybe I’ll even add chicken. 

 

Capital of Texas Updates

Almost 8 weeks in, and I am loving Austin. Just as it has been, the only problem is that my husband still can’t move here permanently. He did get a transfer to the Austin crew of his job, but said he would stay until they were staffed. Then the manager wouldn’t call back anyone that the Austin manager hired for Houston. Then one or two stuck, but are problematic. There are officially three solid seeming new people, and it seems like Kevin can finally join me here permanently and start working on the Austin crew. I mean you would think that three people would be adequate to replace one. It was even to a point where they didn’t have enough scanners for people. So one of the new guys was doing “pre counts” with stickies on high quantity items. What a waste of time. The new people have to learn the scanners, my husband doesn’t. Have my husband do the stickies or just let him move here. I can tell they are fucking with us because they’re mad about our move. 

My mom’s narrative is that Kevin won’t join me here permanently, because “he secretly just doesn’t want to be with me.”  Because of course that is what my mother thinks. Why would my husband be paying for this whole ass apartment that he only gets to crash at on the weekends?  His parents’ guest house has crappy AC and ants. The only financial contribution I made to this apartment was $150 towards the move in costs/deposit and then yesterday I paid $400 towards September rent. My husband only said “I’ll get us an apartment there if you get any job” just to get me into a better situation. The place in Hempstead is falling apart, and I didn’t like the job I was working at, and we knew we wanted to end up here anyway. Kevin had kind of an emotional crash out when he found out that the Houston crew has jobs scheduled this Saturday and Sunday- so he wouldn’t be able to come to Austin for the weekend. My mother’s interpretation was “Maybe he actually crashed out because he’s tired of you.”  

This caused me to blow up at my mother, which caused her to act oblivious. She didn’t do anything wrong and just has no idea what she said wrong!  

She has always, always created this narrative that stars me as the root of all the problems of everyone else around me. I sometimes explain it as having been born already canceled. It’s funny, because it’s her generation that hates “cancel culture.”  

The day after my blow up at my mom, Dolly Parton died. Damnit. Now I have to call her and be like “Dolly Parton died.” Aretha Franklin died the last time we had a major fight. I refused to call her about it at that time, and then she was like “You didn’t call me when Aretha Franklin died!” As if she was her relative and I owed her condolences. So about 12-14 hours after the news broke, I simply sent a text saying “Dolly Parton died.”  I knew she must have been watching it on tv all day, so it was a little funny that I sent that text as if I was announcing it. In fact, she was probably channel surfing whenever one network stopped talking about it, in order To see if another network was talking about it. She does that when there’s major news, and then she complains that there’s too much news coverage. 

She responded as if the fight never happened, so I guess we are cool but I’m being distant. 

It’s now looking like Kevin can head to Austin this weekend after all. I agree, because three new people can make up for it!  Especially with not enough scanners because what the hell!  I’m glad because Kevin was kind of depressed that he couldn’t come this weekend. 

The only other new city woe is my $186 toll road bill. I paid that yesterday. 😓. Austin freeways have a habit of not being a toll for several miles, and then all of a sudden they are. So as soon as I paid that yesterday, I decided to drive around the city all day (doing side jobs of course) and really really paying attention to what’s a toll and where- that way, if my navigation tells me to go one way, I know not to. I do not even think Siri knows which Austin highways are tolls, because I select avoid tolls, and it still sends me on them. I had lived in Houston 24 years, so I had it memorized what was a toll and what wasn’t. The one that does this the most is highway 183. It’s a toll, then it’s not, then it is, then it’s not. RM620 is free for like 20 miles all around the perimeter of the city and then once it gets to the area where I live, bam it’s a toll. I really have spent the last couple days making note of these things so I don’t have to pay $186 again. 

Other than that things are great. I love having an easy night job and lots of side jobs to do locally during the day. I’m going in tonight at midnight and would be getting off at 8 am but agreed to take one of the ladies on a doctor appointment at 8:20 am. This way, the day staff doesn’t have to take everyone to one person’s appointment. I wouldn’t want to have to go to a housemate’s appointments either. After that hopefully I’ll see Kevin!!

Organizing Quilting Squares 🟥🔷🟦🔹🟧

 This shelving unit in my enormous closet has been designated for 6 inch quilting squares and isn’t finished yet. My cat Mitchell has decided it’s a good spot. 

I’ve decided that I’m going to have the lint roller out when I start doing patchwork. 

Also a disclaimer- denim chenille quilts are washed 2-3 times to get the chenille effect, so cat hair won’t be an issue !!!

My Great Idea

Last night I asked ChatGPT to give me a complete daily workout routine. I want to work out DAILY.  I have always felt like if I skip a day, I will never exercise again. I told the bot this and it gave me this routine. I did the Friday routine when I got home from work this morning. It’s only a teeny bit challenging. I am starting to think it’s a good idea to ask ChatGPT things, because a person will beat around the bush and/or judge. Some sort of coach/counselor person would have had to spend hours and fucking days with me before giving me this list. 

 

Shelves!!!

 I found a bookcase by the dumpster yesterday. The shell of the bookcase was broken, but these shelves were fine. I took them in order to build a bookshelf out of cans. I get large cans of foods I would love to have in an emergency and balance old shelves on them. Then I can use the new shelving unit for other things. I got the idea from Mormon preppers. I’ve done this for 15 years 

Risky Behavior

I still occasionally look on psychology today for therapists, but I no longer message them. I call them and speak to them if they answer or if they call back. I do not leave voicemails. If I can get them on the phone, I tell them that I’m looking for a therapist and immediately give the disclaimer that I married my supervisor a year and a half ago(sometimes I say boss)-

And that’s not why I need therapy- it’s just a fact about me that other therapists have taken issue with. What I need therapy for, I explain compactly, is a complex childhood followed by going onto work with children and vulnerable adults and that I feel like I’ve absorbed all the trauma of the people I’ve cared for. 

It’s all the truth. 

Regarding my marriage, I spoke to a therapist on the phone today. She had a very sweet bubbly voice and said that she is a harm reduction therapist. This means that she’s not going to be against anything that you feel doesn’t harm you. She might express “curiosity”, but will not “tell you what to do”.

 Ugh. When I say I went on to work with children and vulnerable adults, they should know that I know what a lot of things are. Harm reduction is largely used for drug addicts on the street. I followed a young woman who did it in skid row in Los Angeles. Here’s the Google definition of harm reduction:

This lady was equating me marrying Kevin to a risky behavior. And instead of demanding immediate abstinence, she was going to meet me where I was in order to keep me alive. Wow!  Thanks I guess!  Maybe I’ll go live on skid row!  I’m so risky. 

Another woman I talked to about five days ago claimed that she worked with throuples and polycules.  If you don’t know what that means, it’s more than two people in one romantic relationship. A throuple is three people all in love with each other. A polycule is four or more. You would need a therapist to prevent jealousy. I guess, I mean I don’t know because I’ve never done that. But the throuple/polycule affirming therapist also said that my marriage and how we met was a “concern” 

lol!  But it would be better if we met another way and had a sister wife and a brother husband!!!  

I honestly don’t know why I keep doing this. Maybe a part of me still hopes that one will honest to god truly meet me where I am and listen to my stories. And help me deal through them. For now though, the chartreuse notebooks had to do. I did get Anna today, but more on that later. She’s doing great! 

 

 

Mid- Week Musings

 The main project this week is organizing my crafty supplies. I have been trimming the pen marks off of all of my 6 inch squares and organizing them super neatly into that shelving unit in my massive closet. I’m listening to Hannah Alonzo and Derrick Levasseur on YouTube while I do it. I’ll take a picture of the total organization once I’m done. I took all of the warm colored squares to work last night (red, orange, pink, maroon, yellow). The M-F 4-midnight coworker stayed over a little bit and conversed with me while I did them. She didn’t leave until about 12:45. She said, “My aunt used to make beautiful Afghanistans.”  

Also on the to do list this week is to fix the tension on my sewing machine. 

I’m seeing Anna tomorrow. She also wants to switch cats. She said she didn’t ask for Alex, she asked for Jordan. I was a little concerned about her caring for Alex in his advanced age anyway. I discussed it with Kevin, and Kevin was all for it. Next week on payday, I'm going to pay her pet deposit and maybe bring him there a couple days later. Or the same day who knows. JJ is a very cute boy, but he is an asshole. Plus, my daughter really wanted to bring one of her dad and stepmoms pets-they said no. 

Trimming the pen marks off of my squares is the physical activity that I need to channel the ball of anxiety out. Like I said, when I worked with my husband, doing inventory in the stores had the same effect. There’s something about a constant repetitive task involving hands and upper body that does it. Cutting the squares out also does it. And sewing, as long as the machine works and the tension is right. 

Mid August Weekend Tidbits

My 19 year old daughter Anna moved in this weekend to a townhouse with five other girls!!! It’s off campus housing at Texas State University. I’m so happy and proud of her. Her father and stepmother moved her in, and I’m heading down there this week. Now that I live in Austin, I’m only 35 minutes from TXST and my baby!! 

Kevin bought our apartment a new table and chairs!!  I love it. I didn’t go with him to pick it out, because I didn’t want anything to do with assembly. Yes I made that wreath on the wall. 

I cut the pen marks off of more blue denim squares this evening at work, and I threw the scraps into an empty water bottle. 

In other news. My coworker showed up this morning to relieve me. She asked me again if I do the hourly bed checks that our company requires. I told her. Yes I do!!  She then started bitching again about how she doesn’t do them. She sleeps all night on the clock. She was trying to convince me to also sleep on the clock. I work four nights a week, and she works three. She also works the day shift on the weekends. The other two ladies who are staff work M-F 8-4 and M-F 4- midnight. 

Kevin said maybe she actually does do them and is trying to get me to not do them so I can get fired. That’s a possibility. People do set coworkers up to fail like that. However, the other coworker told me that she was disappointed they got a new person (me), but is also happy because she likes me.  Aww. I’m glad she likes me. I don’t think she actually does the hourly bed checks and is trying to set me up, but he pointed that out because it does happen. 

 

Organizing quilt squares ⏹️🔲⬜️⬛️

 I’ve been sitting on my closet floor trimming the pen marks off of the 6 inch squares for my quilts. Any unevenness this causes doesn’t matter and can be worked through when I do the clipping to create the chenille effect. 

I love being hyper focused on these quilts. Being hyper focused on an activity like this that requires constant doing really calms my mind. When I worked with my husband on the inventory crew, inventory did the same effect. 

I love this shelving unit in our enormous closet. It’s perfect for my quilts and squares. Notice how the ones I trimmed pen marks off of look super neat while the ones I haven’t gotten to yet are a mess. 

I Was Right

 When I got a comment a couple days ago suggesting that the bad luck I’ve had seeking therapy is probably because they told me “an inconvenient truth” that I didn’t like, I suspected they meant the fact that I married my supervisor. I was correct. They told me yesterday that that was a “concern”. 

So basically, if I try to go to therapy to process trauma that I went through as a child and in my 20’s and 30’s, I won’t get anywhere until they persuade me that marrying my old boss in my 40’s was a no-no. And there’s an age gap but I guess at my age, they’re ok now.  The problem was where and how we met.  That’s a huge juxtaposition, because doing that job at the time and meeting him were all so good for me. There were two bosses above him- and BOTH of their spouses also work there. 

It tears me apart, because if processing trauma needs to be done, and I can’t do that unless I sit there and get asked and asked and asked about marrying n my boss until I realize it was “wrong” then what will the end result be?  Will I have to leave Kevin? Would that be the goal?  There’s no way I can heal from past traumas that happened before I met him if doing so means leaving him. There’s absolutely no way. Going through that would be awful, and I can’t believe this is happening- but at least I know where a bulk of the problem lies between me and “therapists”.  

When I was a teenager, they ostracized me for having parents that stayed married. “Yes your dad may punch holes in the walls, but at least he’s in the home.” 🙄   That was something beyond my control, but marrying Kevin actually was in my control. 

Kevin and I were married by Judge Kranak on March 19, 2025. The judge asked us how we met, and we told him. The judge just said “oh ok!”  And proceeded with the marriage vows. He did not say “oh wait that’s illegal” and send us home. And he’s a judge and that was a courtroom. 

The way this commenter said it bothered me too. “They just told you an inconvenient truth, and you didn’t like it” makes me sound like some bitch that doesn’t “do the work” (“not doing the work” is and insult people use against people who do not go to therapy, and it’s so insulting and awful). And yeah, I didn’t like it!  Don’t tell me that one of the best things that happened to me in the last couple years was a “concern”. I’m not concerned, he’s not concerned, and neither is anyone in his company. Not their spouses that also work there. There’s no concern. 

The thing is, that once you start offensively defending your marriage, it looks like you’re hiding abuse. But I wasn’t aware, or even cared, about therapists’ disdain for marrying bosses until it came up while in a consultation and a brief timeline of events in my life. There was one I couldn’t see because of it. Now because of that, I have to ask other therapists “Do you mind that I married someone who I met while he was my superior at work?” The fact that I have to ask makes it look like I’m hiding a red flag in my own relationship, when in reality it’s because another therapist had way more of a problem with it than she should have. And literally all of the ones I brought it up with in “free 15 minutes sessions” took issue. 

It’s hard, and it’s harder when you come across people who insist on therapy being the only way to heal. But I need to accept that I have to work at myself on my own. There are many things that I can do, and therapists can’t really come up with anything n that I can’t think of myself. Am I going to “die” because I’m someone they can’t/won’t help? Am I going to “die” because I did a major life choice they don’t agree with?  I doubt it, but if so, then so be it. I have had the most joy I can have at this point at age 48. I have the most wonderful daughter and husband. I’m happy and I do not have any regrets when it comes to Anna and Kevin. I have done well, and naysayers aside, I’m going to do even better. I’ve done so much so unconditionally. I can do it again. 

Visit to Houston

 Yesterday I went on a day trip back to Houston, because the merchandiser app sent me a really good offer. They paid more than double the starting pay for the bread aisle jobs and gave me a nice travel bonus. I wasn’t able to get all of the locations though, so my travel bonus will be prorated. 

I then spent the night with Kevin in Hempstead and came back to Austin this morning. On the way back, I did a $15 job in Brenham and a $15 job in Elgin, both on the field agent app. Kevin and I really enjoyed our time together. My mother in law was happy to see me as well. I was afraid she was mad at me for the Austin move 😕

My elderly cat Alex is still with Kevin and will move in with my daughter when the move finally happens. Anna asked for one of the cats. I posted a video above of me being reunited with Alex after a month apart. He acted like he didn’t give a shit about me, but I did get some bonks. 

At Kevin’s job on the Houston crews there are two new people and two more starting tomorrow and Monday. One has face tattoos and the other one refuses to do certain things until he gets a raise. And he’s been there a week. I know the Houston manager and his wife are bitching up a storm about these two. 

I’m back to work at the group home tonight at midnight. Drunk text boss is having surgery today, but the mercury retrograde lady is taking all of her hours. That’s fine with me. I just hope she shows up to relieve me. If she doesn’t, I’ll pile the ladies in the van and go to dollar general. 

Yesterday the 12th, I got my first full check. Ugh that was nice. I’ve been working over a month. The last check was the end of July, and it was only half the amount this one was. I paid my phone bill and bought a bunch of things I need at each store I did side jobs at. I also paid $57 into my smallest student loan, which rests now at only $250. I also sent my daughter an allowance on Cash App. 

Now I’m back at my apartment in Austin and putting my things away while getting organized. At the last store I did a side job at in Elgin, I bought colder groceries. 

I needed olive oil and got this deal- buy that store brand olive oil and get one free store brand spice in a glass jar. I have no spices here, so I got oregano. What a deal! 

“It worked for me.”

I got a comment last night regarding my posts about seeking therapy. This comment said that therapy worked for them, and just because I had bad experiences doesn’t mean that all therapy is bad. Oh absolutely!  I just want to make it clear that when I am talking about my own experiences in my own space, I’m talking about my life only. I learned a long time ago that different things are good for different people. It would be a pretty boring place if we were all the same. My only intent by sharing my experience is to simply share my experience. I am not lobbying to outlaw therapy by any means. If something helps you personally, and that thing isn’t illegal, then keep doing it!  

I thought that was assumed!  

This person also said that the therapists probably told me “an inconvenient truth” and I didn’t like it. If that is true, then I would like to know what inconvenient truth?  Perhaps they meant that I should not have flirted with my supervisor in 2023 and subsequently married him. Yes I know, in general, that’s looked down on. But it’s not like this was some corporate job, and it’s not like he was some politician. It was an inventory service for Christ sake!  The latest person they hired had face tattoos!  There are several other people in that company that got their significant others jobs there.  And even if it was still wrong to do what I did three years ago?  What am I going to do about it now?  Leave my husband?  Try and make me?  You can’t, because the latest narrative that therapists are trying to push is that they don’t make people do things they don’t want to do. This latest narrative is in response to what some are calling “the trend” for adult children to go no contact with parents. Estranged parents are blaming therapists, and therapists all of a sudden are all about not telling people what they should do. 

What they actually do instead, is they ask you repeated questions about your bad choice and if you still won’t comply, they “hold you accountable”. Basically, it’s telling you what to do with extra steps. One person called it “motivational interviewing.”  The estranged parents who go online and start smear campaigns against their own sons and daughters are telling on themselves and only make people side with their kids more. But do I think they’re right about the therapists telling their kids what to do?  Absolutely. Therefore, it wouldn’t make sense to try and tell me my marriage is wrong. If you don’t  tell people to cut off their parents then you can’t tell anyone to leave their spouse.

I’m not actually sure that’s what she meant though. It’s possible that she was just someone who felt undermined because someone said what worked for her didn’t work for me. That can be sort of threatening when you haven’t fully accepted the fact that people are very diverse. We should all be leaning into the things that work for us and make us healthier and happier. Sometimes, if I hate apples and you say, “I love apples!” I might feel like that is a dig against me. But it isn’t. It’s about apples, not the person. Hope this helps. 

After reading this comment, I went to the fitness center and did ten minutes on the elliptical machine. This time, my back didn’t go out!  Also it felt great!  The elliptical is definitely one way to get the anxiety out. 

Old Friend

 Well Mary, your post about homeless people asking you for change reminded me of an old memory that was too long for a comment. So here’s a post about it. 

This happened more than 20 years ago, because I know it was before my daughter was born. I was about to walk into Einstein bagels on Montrose Blvd in Houston. I had a $10gift card. A homeless woman asked me if I had any change. I said no and then literally said, “I have no money” which for me at the time, meant, I’m not carrying cash and I was also using a gift card. Back then, stuff was a lot cheaper and I didn’t know that you didn’t have to spend the whole gift card in one trip to get the full value. So I got two bagels and a bunch of snacks. This is also how you know this was an extremely long time ago. All that for $10!  

As I was walking out with my bag, this same woman started accosting me  “yeah right! You have no money but you got all of that!”  I kind of felt bad for her so I just gave her one of the two toasted bagels.  Then I remembered I had some loose change in my cup holder  I offered it to her, and she said no, and she was very happy with the bagel  

Several months later I saw her again at the nearby Walgreens.  She approached me and asked if I had any change.  I said no, but asked her what she needed. I can’t remember what else she said but she wanted rubbing alcohol to clean her skin.   We chatted a while and she was cool.  

The third time I saw her was even more months later.  This time, it was pouring rain and it was outside of Walgreens again.  I said, “oh hey!  I have not seen you for a while!”  I could tell she didn’t recognize me, but still wanted to use the fact that I remembered her to ask for something.  She told me, “Well I got my own place now”.  I congratulated her and asked where.  She told me.  It was about 3-4 miles away and due to the rain that was just starting, she asked if she could have a ride back  

In the car, she explained that she was able to get the apartment due to an organization in Houston that helped people with HIV/AIDS.  When I dropped her off, I didn’t go in, but I did wait in my car until she walked in.  She had three or four plants on her balcony.

That was the last time I saw her.  When I told my mother about it, my mother went and got her Clorox wipes and made me wipe down the passenger seat of my car.  She still had the 1980’s misconceptions about HIV-AIDS 

Chartreuse Notebooks 📒 📒 📒

 I just got to work for my Sunday night 8pm until Monday morning 8 am shift, and I brought my three chartreuse notebooks to write in. I have over a dozen more. Mostly chartreuse, but some pink and some orange. 

This is my method for books/writing projects that are entirely in your head, but you are overwhelmed with the idea of getting them onto paper. 

One notebook like this per project. 

One sentence at a time. 

Skip five or six lines between sentences. 

Later on, when you think of something that goes somewhere you’ve already written about, jot it in the 5-6 lines between the sentences it goes between. 

If there still isn’t room, add a sticky note. 

Once full or almost full, start a new notebook with 5-6 more lines between all sentences (even the ones you jotted down later). 

Rinse and repeat until project is finished. 

First, a picture of my two babies here in Austin. 

Secondly, I found an app called rebound for trauma therapy. I very begrudgingly agreed to a “free 15 minute session” (which is basically interviewing you so they can decide if they want to help you).  The lady on the other line was helpful and kind- I do not think she was a therapist though. I think she was a sales rep or maybe some kind of medical assistant therapy version. She explained that they do a method called “Pervasive Exposure” therapy. She explained it. I explained my ACES situation briefly and she gave the disclaimer that I think they all have to make, but don’t actually implement- that it doesn’t matter what you’ve been through or haven’t been through etc. I then asked about some elements of my story potentially not being believable to a therapist. She explained that the therapy method doesn’t depend on anyone believing you, it just goes through your reactions while recounting the memories and easing those up. 

Hmm I see. Then I did what they all say not to do and went to ChatGPT and told it to guide me through PE therapy. I’m going to have to think extremely hard about actually going to someone. They say not to use ChatGPT as a therapist, because they’ll lose income if everyone did so. But the fact that it’s not actually human means it literally can’t believe or disbelieve me. It has to automatically think that I can have this type of therapy if I ask for it. It’s not thinking that my trauma isn’t valid. A human therapist might. Just saying. 

 

I got off at work at 8:00 am and walked with Kevin a little in the park this morning. I lowered my step goal to 5500 and hope to achieve that each day this week. 

Coworkers With Audacity

 The home I work in has three other coworkers besides me. One is the supervisor, and the other two are older and have been here many years. The supervisor is older too, but hasn’t been here long. I just want to get this off my chest- I was always raised to not ever sleep on the job. That should be common sense, right?  Not only that, but I was raised that if I’m on the clock I should “always be doing something”, even if it’s dusting the dust. These coworkers are in their late 60’s and early 70’s and were not raised the same way. That’s weird to me, because I thought older people had more of a work ethic than younger people. 

They were getting a lot of overtime before I started, and so far, neither of the non-supervisor ladies have held it against me personally. I’m cognizant that that can change at any time. The supervisor works Monday through Friday 8-4 and the other two ladies alternate the 4- midnight shift and the weekends and my overnights off. I have three overnights off and work two 12 hour shifts and two 8 hour shifts per week. 

Between 9:00 pm and 6:00 am, we are required to log hourly bed checks on the desktop computer in the house. The computer records your time stamp, so you can’t cheat. You just click on each resident’s name and specify if they’re awake, asleep, on leave, or hospitalized. Bed checks for people who sleep well and know how to go to the bathroom take no more than a minute or two. You just look in on them lol. It’s not that serious. You have to be awake though!  That’s what the two coworkers hate. They literally want to sleep on the clock, even on the overtime clock. No, ma'am. I cannot believe their audacity honestly. I want to say something out loud but don’t, because I feel like the minute I do, they’ll start blaming me personally for cutting their hours. One of them, who the supervisor called “the whiniest person she’s ever met” complains because she has a mortgage to pay. I would say I’m sorry about that, but I’m not. People her age have hammered it into me that if I’m not making enough money, I need to figure it tf out with a second job or move onto something else. Younger me would have felt responsible for her mortgage, even though I may not ever be a homeowner. She also said that looking in on the resident ladies hourly every night “is abuse” and I didn’t appreciate that. It’s not abuse. It may be neglect if you’re sleeping by on the job and god forbid something happens. 

This particular coworker wrote a long and scathing email to the boss of the boss of the boss. Like three or four people up. She thought they’d be on her side, but my supervisor said, they aren’t. In fact, it caused her a lot more problems. The higher ups don’t like her now. Oops. I told my supervisor that she said the nightly bed checks were abuse. Supervisor gave me a look and said “Well it’s going to be ‘abuse’ when she loses her job.”  

The other coworker refuses to take the resident ladies out in outings in the van. We are supposed to. Like I mentioned, there is a whole federal law now that says institutionalized disabled people need to be integrated into the community. This coworker said, “Once I start doing that, they’re going to expect me to do it all the time.”  Really, she’s been expected to do it since 2014. I told drunk text boss. If there’s a free concert they want to go to then just schedule me on the 4-12 shift and I’ll take them. Most of their outings would happen in the morning, but the occasional “free concert” is what DTBoss was worried about them missing. It takes getting used to driving a big ass van, but I did it a couple of times when I stayed after 8:00 am and took some of them on doctor appointments. 

I have been through a ton on jobs over the years, and I can’t get over the things they complain about. The one DTboss called whiny complains about the hourly bed checks every time I see her. She says she refuses to do them and goes to bed in the staff room. She said, “What are they going to do, write me up? Fire me?”  I didn’t say this out loud but… yeah. They probably will. She then said the only reason all of this was happening was because mercury was in retrograde.  🥴

I think back to this work readiness class I took in high school, taught by my sophomore English teacher.  He would have keeled over from a heart attack if he heard their lack of work ethic.  

I’m writing this out now, because I’m going in tonight at 8:00 pm and the whiner/ mercury retrograde/ bed checks are abuse lady will be there and I’m scared today will be the day she starts blaming me for all this.  I’m REALLY grateful she hasnt!  I should just hang on to that 

Painted Rock Snake

The park two blocks away has a “snake” of painted rocks. Anna made me this one when she was about 8. This morning, I took it there and left it at the end of the snake. The step goal set on my phone is at 7,500 steps. I have not come close to meeting that goal the entire month I’ve lived in Austin. It’s because of the night shift and my efforts to get a changed sleep schedule. So I’ve been laying around a lot. But I think I have that figured out by now, so it’s time to start exercising again. 

 

Photo Dump and Austin Reflections

I was just thinking today, I’m so glad I work at this group home. I deserve to have an easy job with people that are easy to care for and easy to work with. I am grateful that my husband told me that he’d rent me an apartment and pay for me to go to Austin alone for now if I got a job. If he hadn’t said that, I would have hung up on these people when they said what the pay was. But with 5-7 hours of overtime per week, the paychecks are ok. Plus I have the time, energy, mental health and opportunity to do a lot of side jobs. 

Here are some recent photos from my phone:

I asked ChatGPT to make my facebook profile have red hair and it thought that would violate nudity. Lol. Ai ain’t that smart. Also, how many of you have written kinky stories on ChatGPT only to have it scold you?  

It does!

Facebook thought I knew this person. I don’t. You must be a bad mother if you make your statement on your profile picture “Save Motherhood, Abolish Family Court.”  Lol what IS her story?  What on earth did she do to her kids?

This is my mom as a baby with her 14 year old sister Diane. Aunt Diane and I were very close. She passed away in 2012. 

I took this selfie with Jordan, and Ai cleaned it up to look like I was in bed with perfect eyebrows and makeup. 

My sewing machine is doing this. I can’t get the tension right to save my life. 

Mitchell will only play bite the back of my wrist. And only every other time I show it to him. If he bit me the last time I showed him the back of my wrist he won’t do it this time. Every other time!  

 

Helping Myself

Edited to add- I just realized that the post I linked below did talk about the therapist that didn’t believe me.  I have been wanting to write this out in order to make sense of things and start setting my own goals regarding healing from “anxiety” and “C-PTSD”. I’m putting those in quotes because I’m not sure if the actual diagnoses apply. Back in May, I made this post detailing what I’ve gone through while trying to seek therapy. Since then, I have tried again.  There was one lady that I saw for one “free 15 minutes session” and one actual hour long session. She didn’t believe my story. At least twice, she asked me if I was sure what I was saying happened and not something else. One of these had to do with what year. She asked if I was sure something that happened in 2013-2014 wasn’t “during the pandemic.”  I didn’t appreciate that at all. 

The next lady had a free 15 minute session and three hour long sessions with me. She was great until the middle of the third session, when she got this Jekyll and Hyde personality switch and started basically telling me to get over it and stop living in the past. That’s a very dumb thing for a therapist to say, because we can get over it and stop living in the past for free. We don’t need a therapist to help us do that. When I called her out on this personality switch mid-session, she said it never happened. That was even more of a punch in the face. Some people online said “report her”. I can’t if she’s saying it never happened. The session wasn’t being recorded. Whomever you’d report this to would believe her over me. 

This last lady, the Jekyll and Hyde lady, also seemed to take away my diagnosis of c-ptsd (“complex” or “chronic” post traumatic stress disorder, depending on who you ask, but it all starts with C so it’s ok). 🙄 Her reasoning was based on the ACES test. ACES is a questionnaire you fill out answering which adverse childhood experiences you’ve had. It helps clinicians diagnose you with c-ptsd, but since it’s become more and more clear that it’s very incomplete and very unfair, a lot of them are backpeddling now saying “it’s just a tool” and all sorts of vague shit about what the ACES really is. They’ll say “it doesn’t matter” which of the adverse childhood experiences you’ve experienced or not, but it does matter enough for that to be the very first thing they give you. I actually spoke with a young man online who claimed to be a survivor of the Stoneman-Douglass school shooting in Parkland, Florida, who was told some BS because he couldn’t check any boxes on the ACES test. Perhaps surviving a school shooting should be on there, I don’t know!  Also missing from ACES is bullying and medical trauma. It’s probably because the woman who developed it was a healthy bully. 

Some of the ACES questions are asked in such a way that I am not sure if I can answer them with a yes or a no. One of these questions is, “Did you witness your mother being abused by your father?”  Yes and no. My mother treated my father horribly, and he often reacted. A therapist wouldn’t recognize that as valid, though. It would specifically have to be the father abusing the mother one way.  

Another question I’m not sure I can answer yes or no to is “Did you grow up in a home with a parent with mental illness?”  My mother never went to a psychiatrist or a therapist, so she never got a diagnosis. She does, however, claim to have had postpartum depression for 15 years. As I’ve said before, this would only make sense to me if she kept having children but I was an only child. And does postpartum even count in what they’re describing there?  As noted in the latest news story these days, postpartum is seen as a very valid excuse/reason for most if not all things. It seems to be used whenever women murder their kids. So am I justified in my trauma, or am I just a big uneducated meanie when it comes to postpartum?  

The other questions are a definite no for me. Did your parents get divorced? No. Were they poor? No. Were they drug addicts? No. Were they ever incarcerated? No. Then, abuse questions come up. Were you physically abused? Were you emotionally abused?  Were you sexually abused?  I was physically assaulted by my aunt and two older cousins in my teen years. My mother often did as well, but a therapist might shrug it off as discipline, especially since she was not a single mother. Emotional abuse is written off by therapists as “You just took stuff wrong”. Especially since I could not answer positively to any of the four first questions about divorce, incarceration etc. 

So when it comes to ACES, maybe I scored high and maybe I scored zero. The last therapist I saw said I didn’t have c-ptsd, even though I was diagnosed with it in 2025. 

Whether or not I am someone who deserves to say they have something validating like c-ptsd, I still have the symptoms. You might think I’m just a bitch who isn’t grateful she got to grow up with two parents and doesn’t understand postpartum, and that’s fine, but I still suffer from almost all symptoms of c-ptsd. In addition to having what I consider (but you may not) to be a difficult childhood, I then grew up to take on very hard jobs for very low pay, working with children at risk and elderly and disabled adults. I believe this compounded my “c-ptsd”. I was forced to absorb the trauma of multiple children and adults. Again I’m putting my it in quotes because no one can agree on whether I “have” it. 

This puts me in a situation where I have to come up with a game plan to get better, and no one is going to help me do it. I have to do it myself. Being in such a healthy environment in Austin now is a great foundation for beginning to do this. I live in a great place, have a great job, enough money, and my physical health. The only downside is that my husband isn’t here full time yet but he will be. Having a supportive partner is also an enormous plus when it comes to healing. It’s better than being single, but being single is better than having a shitty partner. 

I have him to lean on, and my mother is 3-4 hours away now. I have minimal contact with her. I have a supportive friend or two, and my daughter is doing great. I really can’t complain. Therefore, I need to start working on goals to feel better. I have the perfect stage to do so. 

Continuing to take a weight loss supplement so I’m not always hungry, and exercising every day is a start to physically feeling better. I get muscle symptoms in my arms and legs. It feels like spaghetti muscles when it gets really bad, and exercise helps work this out. Doctors will often ask if this feels like “pins and needles.”  I really don’t know about that description. It’s not how I would think “pins and needles” would feel, but I can see how someone else would describe it that way?  Something I can do every day is really make myself go out to the fitness center in my complex or the park two blocks away. I also need to keep Mitchell away from my earbuds, because I can’t exercise without them and he loves them!  Since Mitchell came into my life, I’ve probably been through 20 pairs!

The next way to channel my anxiety is through my creativity. I have all of my 6 inch squares sorted into this shelving unit inside our massive closet in this apartment. I’m still working on an Etsy shop with quilts and wreaths. I also need to hit up Dollar Tree for more wreath frames. My sewing machine is set up on my desk. 

I also have a spiral notebook for each writing project in my head. They are all chartreuse colored and college rule and were $1.47 right now during back to school days. I write a line and then skip about six lines. Then I go back through them and jot things down in the six empty lines that go between the thing above it and the thing below it. When that gets to be full, I start another notebook with five or six more lines between each thing that is now in the old one. The Child Advocate is now on its second spiral and I also have one for another book in my head, and my missing people who may be still alive writing advocacy project. 

If I can just propose each day to do something for exercise and creativity, I will likely feel at least 20% better by the first cool front. 

Physical things I can do besides take gabapentin (I can take it sometimes but not always)- bathe with bath bombs for athletes. These bombs are expensive, but they do wonders for the spaghetti leg/not really pins and needles feeling. Also if I find myself paralyzed in bed, just simply going out to my car to organize something or throw away a piece of trash will help the paralyzed panic feeling. 

Cuddling with my cats also helps. Mitchell isn’t a big cuddler, but Jordan is starting to be. Alex is still with my husband in Hempstead and will go live with my daughter in San Marcos. (She asked for him). He used to be an instant therapy cat when he was younger but is now retired. Jordan can cuddle somewhat before he starts play biting. 

If I can think of anything else, I will edit this and put them here. Ironically, this is the kind of list a therapist would help me make. And here I am making it for free. I’m just saying, why go through the hell of trying to convince them to help you when you can help yourself. For free!  I have to adopt this mentality or else I will not survive! I hate being a person that cannot get therapy or mental health care, but on the other hand if I was a person who could get it then I might depend on them too much and have no autonomy.