Extreme Dread

 I have extreme dread about having to head to this old man’s house this morning. When my alarm went off, I literally started sobbing. Got up, took a shower anyway. When they accused the last caregiver of abuse, and then proved themselves to be racist, that makes me think that they will falsely accuse people. Including me. Luckily, there are cameras in the house. I keep telling myself that I need to give them a chance etc. But it should also be ok for me to want grace for myself too. In over 30 years of caring for children and elderly, there have probably been thousands of times that I was unfairly judged based on the actions of someone else. 

 The fact that gift card boss called me the damage control is going to my head a lot. I love it. My husband and my daughter told me to ask for a raise. Her cap pay rate is $2 more than I make now. I could ask for that and get it. 

I have been HEAVILY conditioned to never negotiate or ask for a raise. The “no one will ever hire you” narrative was strong with me. I was taught that if I ever asked for a raise, I’d be fired immediately and replaced with someone who will do it for less. Negotiating higher pay during n an interview was absolutely out of the question in my upbringing. If I ever did that, I just wouldn’t get the job. When gift card boss hired me, she had already hired me before discussing wages. She was LITERALLY prompting me to ask for more. She was. She’s not going to fire me and replace me immediately if I ask. She also just said she wishes she could clone me. 

I still have a lot of “dread” about going to see the racist guy tomorrow (Remember, he saw me and said “finally a white girl), not sure why I am experiencing the dread when I already met his family. I usually have this level of day before dread with new clients. 

Reminds me of the meme. “Do a rep for every lie you believed”. Haha. I’d be ripped. 

There’s another thing I want to mention. I’ve been married one year and one month. People always tell women who get married, “Have a plan for when he dies or leaves you.”  That’s good advice!  I also think you should have back up plans in case literally anything else doesn’t work out. But, the times I’ve been told this lately, I feel like I’ve explained Plans B, C, D, E, F and G and they all get shut down. Most of the back up plans I’ve mentioned are things I’ve done before and was successful at. I hate being told to have a plan, and then getting six whole plans criticized as if they aren’t good ideas. 

Then last night, I tried to tell my husband, “Let’s..” and then suggested he come with me to do some of the “if he died or left me” things. He actually said maybe if his mother was to die before his stepfather, and his stepfather wanted us to move out of the guest house. That’s actually more likely to happen than him leaving me any time soon, so maybe I gave him some ideas. 

As far as writing, I’m still doing the spiral notebook with the skipping five lines. I am working on three major writing projects. Only one of them is The Child Advocate. 

I Had The Last Laugh

 It’s only about 40 days until my daughter Anna turns 19 years old. (And oh yeah that must mean that it’s the 19th anniversary of the disappearance of Madeline McCann), but I was thinking today how, when it comes to motherhood, I really had the last laugh. 

I started working in a daycare as a teacher’s aide when I was 16. In order to keep that job, I had to take child development at my high school during Saturday school. Saturday school was from 8-noon and could be either detention, or classes for kids who were behind or wanted to get ahead. That used to make me say I wanted to have kids someday, and I got a lot of opposition to that. I think most people my age and younger did. The exception would have been if they were devout Catholics or Mormon. 

When I think of how it ended up, there are just so many things I could bring up about my daughter and my experience raising her. Let’s start with the fact that I was one and done. Isn’t that the next best thing to being child free?  (I guess to some it is, and some it’s not).  But I waited until I was 28 to get pregnant, and I got an IUD right after my 6 week postpartum exam. Contraceptives have always worked for me. I went off one time, and that’s when I got her. My mom’s story with this issue was exactly the same. She stopped taking the pill one month, the next month she got me, and she also had an IUD right after I was born and was also one and done. 

Fast forward to today. My daughter Anna is studying at the University.  She’s a STEM major. She has been to four anti-ICE protests and two No Kings protests on her university campus this year. She is in the animal sciences club and has done service projects in groups at shelters and sanctuaries. She is coming back to town this summer, will split her time between me and her dad, and is most likely going to work as a camp counselor. 

She was volunteering at the local animal shelter in her father’s neighborhood starting at age 14. 14 year olds could volunteer only if a parent went with them, and I did. She started going alone at age 15. She has always put herself on the line to stick up for classmates being bullied. She doesn’t date, because she hasn’t found the right person, and that’s ok with her. She’s very emotionally intelligent and therapy savvy. She was an easy newborn, a hilarious toddler, and a smart and eager school kid  

I mean I really did win the lottery with her. This could never be said out loud, but I really wish I could go back in time and brag that I did everything right, even the things that were hard. 

Maybe if I had a second, third, fourth etc child, it wouldn’t have been great. When she was about a year old, I had a friend who was remembering her younger brother who died by suicide. She said once, she and her mom were sitting across a table, and her mom said that if she had known early in her pregnancy that his life would be so difficult, she would have had an abortion. I could see that. We wish we could go back and do a lot of things differently. As for me though, nothing with parenting would I have done differently. I would have had more kids- but only if they were guaranteed to come out equally as wonderful. 

But then again, assuming this about any future kids I had is just wrong. They also could have been great just like Anna. I always had to assume things about different aspects of life that were just assumptions I made to pacify someone else’s narrative 

Freaky Friday

 I went to see this new client today with “bad caregiver experiences”. His daughter opened the door and had attitude immediately. I sighed, but didn’t let her see me sigh. She didn’t leave for work until about an hour after I got there, and in that hour’s time, I did my damage control Magick, and she was talking to me cordially. She pointed to a closed door and said, “We’re in the process of moving my son into that room.”  Across the hall from that door was her dad’s room. She introduced me to him, and he said, “Ugh finally a white girl.”  Oh gosh. Now that begs the question. Were they bad caregivers, or is he racist?  Both things can be true. His daughter later apologized for that comment and said, “It’s the generation.”  I told her I understand, but in my experience, most elderly people who are racist will at least try and hide it. 

About four hours later, I was rinsing dishes, turned around, and there was a creepy bald guy about 30 years old just standing there awkwardly staring at me. I did not hear or see him come in. I immediately screamed bloody murder.  The guy said, “Hello!  I live here! Didn’t mean to scare you!”  I would have gotten a kitchen knife if the old man hadn’t said, “That’s my grandson.”  Oh- I remembered his daughter had told me they were moving her son into the one bedroom. I guess I just assumed her son wasn’t currently in the house. 

I apologized for screaming. At 1:00 pm, the old man’s granddaughter showed up to take over. She is his caregiver until the evening and probably gets paid through one of those agencies that does all the paperwork to allow people to get paid to care for family members. 

As of right now, 6:00 pm on Friday, I am scheduled with him next week on Monday, Wednesday and Friday from 7:00 am-1:00 pm. I think that’s when his granddaughter has classes?  I could be wrong, but those are our only hours with him. I was actually kind of hoping they’d call GCboss and be like “nah we don’t like the white girl either.”  But it’s ok. I should buy a shirt that says Damage Control. 

I dislike that I’m doing this with my life again, but it is what it is. I do not know what else to do with my life anymore. I recently found out that someone at the company I used to work for (that my husband still works for) actually said I called out once a week when called for my references. That is a lie. However, it didn’t prevent me from finding employment, nor do I have access to old timesheets or schedules that can prove that isn’t true. Even if I did try to do something about what I heard they said, they might retaliate against my husband if I do. I was really shocked when I found this out, because for so long I thought things were going great there. 

I do have to eventually redo my resume so that it leaves the inventory service completely off. That sucks. At least I met a husband there. 

I’m The Damage Control

 First of all, my 89 year old client is home from the ER and doing ok. I will see her this Saturday and Sunday. 

On Monday, I worked 11-7, and by 4:45 pm there was still no schedule for the rest of the week. So I texted gift card boss, “Am I working tomorrow?”  She responded, “I’m still working on the schedule, but I have you off tomorrow and Wednesday.” 

Ok great!  I was relieved, especially after having to call EMS on Sunday. Then Tuesday morning at 8:04 am, gift card boss texts me asking if I would work with a man with XYZ health condition who wants Monday, Wednesday and Friday for six hour shifts. I wanted to cry. I then told her that I was busy helping my husband the next two days (which is JUST when she said my days off would be), but after that yes. She scheduled me tomorrow which is Friday with him and also on Monday the 4th. I read his notes, and it says he had a private pay caregiver several months ago that was abusive. They apparently also had a problem with someone gift card boss sent. She copy pasted a text from his daughter letting her know what they wanted, and the whole thing was snarky and kind of bitchy, including saying “someone who knows how to follow instructions on a frozen meal.”  

I started getting the dread, but who knows he might be awesome. I had the dread before I met the poodle couple too, but they were awesome. Then yesterday, I was venting to my husband about it through tears. It really is hard on me to go see different people all the time. He tried to compare it to inventory, going to different stores all the time. I don’t have to explain what an inaccurate comparison that is- going into people’s homes and caring for them is obviously way different than doing inventory. I didn’t rub this in to my husband, though. He already always says he could never be a caregiver. I know he can’t!  In fact once he asked me what things to I have to do for one of them, and I started the basic to do list with “well I empty the catheter-“ and he was like 🤚 ok that’s enough information. 

Then after the vent, I get another text from GCboss talking about May 9. It’s hard to imagine May 9 on April 29 when every day changes so much. I asked, “is it someone I’ve worked with before?” She said no so I texted asking if I could call really Quick and she said sure. 

I basically mentioned tactfully that I have gone to see a lot of new clients in the about 3 months that I’ve worked there. I kind of asked why and then asked if clients didn’t like me and were asking her not to send me back. She said, “No, the opposite actually.”  She explained that when her clients have a bad experience with another caregiver and tell her not to send that person back, she sends me because she knows I can make a good rescue-impression. Then, she called me the damage control. 

Now, that’s wild to me. I am expected to assume the worst about myself. I’m expected to see myself as the damage, not the damage control. As a matter of fact, it’s too bad this was a phone conversation and not over text. I would have screenshotted it for the haters. 

Sad Stuff

 I went in to see my “usual” 89 year old client, whom I’ve gotten kind of attached to. She and I chit chat like we are old buddies. So to make a long story short, there’s an issue. She called the nurse with the issue when I was with her yesterday. The on call nurse said to take two certain medications, so I gave them to her. Today, the issue had not been resolved, so she called the on call nurse again- who now said to go to the ER. So I had to call 911 and get an ambulance. They came and took her, I tidied up her place a bit, and left at 10:15 or so. Gift card boss said I’m still getting paid until noon, but even if I wasn’t, that’s ok. 

I googled the potential issue that the on call nurse said it might be, and it’s a fatal problem. If it is indeed this problem, she has a very short time left on this earth. But we don’t know that it’s that, there need to be imaging to confirm. 

I came home and did a couple of chores before Kevin was expected to get home from Louisiana this evening. Then I crapped out and fell asleep for a few hours. I realized that I fell asleep after starting laundry, so had to rewash it. Kevin got home at about 7:45. 

I would have rather been with him at the Cajun grocery stores than getting attached to another elderly person the last few months and losing them. But it is what it is, and things happen for a reason. 

I wish I could find a therapist to process things with. I emailed a couple more on psychology today, and they haven’t gotten back to me. I hate feeling rejected by therapists. It’s ten times worse than getting rejected after a job interview. Actually, it may be 50 times worse. 

I have to get back to the grind tomorrow with the 11am-7pm couple really far away with the poodle that they call “the baby” and “our youngest daughter.”  Actually, what do I mean “back to the grind”?  Wasn’t I already in the grind?  I only worked an hour and 15 minutes today and slept most of the day, but I was extremely drained. I was so drained that 8 hours with them tomorrow will be less draining. 

Tidbits

 I stepped on the scale this morning, and it said 200.0 so I’ve lost about 6 pounds. I feel like I’m just losing boobs, and that’s it. But weight loss isn’t the number one goal. The number one goal is to make my muscles feel better. And boy do they!!!

Weight loss is the #2 goal.

I only worked 3 hours this morning with my “regular” 89 year old client that requests me all the time.  I put regular in quotes because of musical schedules.  It was all overtime! This was my first time getting overtime with gift card boss.  

Then, I went to yet another location of fitness connection.  I went to the women’s only workout room.  I did about 5,000 steps on an incline on the treadmill.  (My step count was already at 5,000 when I got there.)  Then I did “hip abduction” and “hip adduction” machines, one arm/chest press machine, two leg machines and the ab crunch machine.  

I came home and did some housework including a complete sweeping of the house, starting in all corners and detailed sweeping all to the middle of the living room.  My daughter has always been super good at this chore and would get $10 for it whenever I wanted it done. But she won’t be home for a couple weeks! 😭 

That’s one of the things about an empty nest.  You have to do their chores now. 

I did it all before work!! 🏋️‍♂️ 🏃🏻‍♀️

This is what my doctor replied in the patient portal when I messaged him last night about the Walmart pharmacist’s unhinged phone call. 

I also told him that I transferred my other prescriptions to HEB.  It seems like HEB will fill it with no problem,

But wow that phone call came out of nowhere. The most they may have me do is show my ID. 

This morning, I went to the gym at 5:30 am. I’m looking for a new gym, but still have this membership. I did 7,500 steps on the treadmill and five machines. Only four of the machines was I successfully able to do 3-4 reps of 8-12. The machine below was a fail. You are lying flat on your back and doing crunches. No thanks, at least not yet. I’m better off on the regular a machine where you pull up and your elbows and knees kind of crunch together. 

The other machines that I did were ones I’ve never done before. This location was set up in such a way that you could see the machines from the treadmill area. So I could watch people on certain machines and then step off the treadmill to go do my reps on it whenever they were finished. 

This gym day combined with my park day yesterday have me feeling really great. My arms, legs, and core definitely feel like that awful feeling was pushed out. Yes I told the doc this yesterday, and he said “Working out helps everything.”  Mind you, he said the muscle thing was “anxiety.”  It’s not. It’s a physical issue. 😊 

 

Earth Day 🌳 🌍

 Happy Earth Day 🌱! 

This picture was taken 13 years ago today when my daughter decided to celebrate Earth Day by picking up trash. 

I sent her this picture as a reminder, and she responded that she was doing the same thing today. San Marcos has an annual river clean up. 

I really did get such an awesome kid. 

I fell off the bandwagon with exercise when my mother told one of my cousins about it. “Oh, Danielle’s been walking in the park and going to the gym.”  Sounds like a harmless conversation, until they started accusing me of “trying to uphold society’s beauty standards.”  

I got extremely discouraged and depressed and stopped going. 

I have never felt pressured by society to be thin. 

Maybe some other people feel that pressure, but I’ve personally never experienced it. I have been shamed by some for things they consider “upholding the patriarchy” and maybe this is one of them. I will say that exercise and working out has made me feel really really good. Like I’ve said, I have a very uncomfortable feeling in my muscles that this has really helped. It wouldn’t matter to them how I feel, though. I really let my cousin’s remarks get to me. 

This morning, however, I got back on the bandwagon. I went to the park with Kevin, did 6,000 steps, and worked out on three of their workout machines there. 

Then in the afternoon, I had a doctor appointment which was a follow up ever since he gave me phentermine for weight loss a month ago. He said I lost 6 pounds since my last visit. (I was wearing the same thing as last month.) He also said I could have a higher dose of phentermine or stay where I was and I asked for the higher dose. He submitted it, then a few hours later, the pharmacist called me from the Walmart pharmacy and was absolutely belligerent and pretty verbally abusive about how phentermine is a controlled substance. I was caught off guard. They have acted like this before about gabapentin, but I was still speechless. This pharmacist was REALLY nasty about it and I just told him not to fill it and hung up. I kind of fell apart after that phone call. It’s one thing to have pushback from someone who doesn’t matter, like my cousin, but a pharmacist is in some sort of position of authority. More so than a random family member. 

I do have another follow up on May 27th, but I don’t think I can go through with this “weight loss plan” any more. At least not with the doctor. The doctor is my PCP.  I had really never heard of phentermine before last month, and I’m so confused why the Walmart pharmacy would treat me like some sort of drug seeker because I went for a follow up and the dose was increased by my doctor. 

I would really like to eventually get down to about 165. I’m going to have to try and not let set backs get me down. I also want to feel better from this unnameable problem in my muscles. I really really need to push back on the haters. And who knew someone could have haters for this. 

On the work front:  I’m going to be working with the 11-7 couple for the next four days at least. That will put me into overtime part of Friday and all of Saturday. Someone actually no call, no showed to them today. Gift card boss actually called instead of texted, at 11:30, to see if I could go. But I was driving home from the park, sweaty, no scrubs in the car to change into, and I had the afternoon appointment. 

It was a little bit of a challenge to help her in the kitchen the other night and do things entirely her way, but honestly, I did learn a couple kitchen tips/tricks from that fiasco. Don’t you know, the next day, she wanted to make a steak?  She said she was already sick of chicken. 

Thanksgiving in April

The couple that I’m working with today, yesterday, and the day before, are not permanent clients of my company. The husband is the primary caregiver of the wife, and he recently had surgery. Today is his follow up appointment from that surgery, and once he gets “clearance”, he will not need us anymore. 

Yesterday I worked with them from 11-7. The husband was in his office most of the day, and I helped the wife with whatever she needed. The first four hours were boring. She didn’t need anything or want anything really. We just watched tv. Then she wanted to start dinner. When I tell you, we pretty much made an entire Thanksgiving dinner!  The only difference was that we made chicken instead of turkey. Making this meal is tiring to begin with, then add in the fact that you’re in someone else’s house, and you have to do things the way they do them. Then we ate. They let me have a plate, and I made myself eat it- the chicken was very bland. So was the stuffing. Then I had to help them pack up all the leftovers and do the dishes. Her husband is retired military and has an exact way of how everything must be placed in the dishwasher. 

At least today, I won’t have to help her cook. There are plenty of leftovers. I think she’s going to want me to take some home. If so, my cats will be happy. 

Cute Cats

 I worked with a new client today, and actually it was my second time working with them. Today while I was working with her, it started raining. Her window was open, but there was no screen. Pretty soon, about five or six cats started jumping in from outside. One after another. She had a name for all of them. Her husband then explained that they were all strays and always came in when it rained. I was like oh, ok that makes sense. They kept coming in out of nowhere! It was like a parade of cats coming through the window. 

Fun With ChatGPT

 I have been having loads of fun using ChatGPT to help me write “a book” based on me and my first boyfriend, “if we had ended up together.”  

ChatGPT is the most horrible author on the planet, but it’s great at helping me develop character arcs and plot developments on a life that never actually was. It’s so interesting to me. The ideas it comes up with and developments it suggests are practically genius, but the actual writing of the scenes is pathetic. “That’s so you!” And, “That makes it so real!”  are common sentences. 

My first boyfriend and I used to say we wanted seven kids.  That most likely realistically wouldn’t have happened, but in the book, I make it happen. Like I’ve said before, I write them as having a boy first, then a girl, then boy/girl twins, then adoption of a sibling group of three. Of their biological children, one has a limb difference and one has epilepsy. Of their adopted children, there is an infant, a preteen girl who is parentified, and a middle child who is a school mate of their biological children. 

The character based on me who’s a mother of 7 ends up with a career building marble and granite (and perhaps other) countertops for a living. And maybe other kitchen remodeling. That story arc is still building since I don’t know how to do countertops. It’s a long story. The father, of course, ends up a store manager. The story of why is a few posts down. 

ChatGPT is also helping me with my other book called The Child Advocate. I want the main character, the child advocate, to begin her advocacy working with a toddler who was born to drug addicted parents and fostered from birth by two women who’s husbands both died in freak accidents a few months apart from each other. In the story, people speculate on the sexuality of these two women more than the best interest of the child. I really did work with a situation similar to this, but I’m changing details. There was a whole lot of, “Are they gay? Or are they just two grieving widows?” (Why not both?) The baby starts walking at 2 and a half years old, because babies born exposed to methamphetamines have motor skill and developmental delays. 

There was another time when I was a CASA volunteer that I was an “assistant volunteer” on a case with a sibling group of ten. In the book, it’s a sibling group of 11, just to change things up. They are in every kind of placement you can think of- some in good foster homes, some in crappy foster homes, some in group homes, some with their biological father, some with their biological father’s family members, and some aging out. The CASA has to visit all of them and this way the reader is exposed to different types of placements that kids end up in. There’s no way for them all to be placed together. This really happened, but I have to change details for the story. 

ChatGPT is helping me with all of these story lines. It just can’t write scenes worth a damn. In one, I go see a five year old in her foster home, she shows me a painting she made and I tell her, “That’s so you!”  (Facepalm!) why does ChatGPT LOVEEE saying “That’s so you”?

Tiktok Ragebait

 I recently discovered this one guy on TikTok who basically goes into different stores as a prank and tries to buy three eggs and two slices of bread taken out of their carton and package. The store employees and managers try to explain it to him that he has to buy a whole carton of a dozen eggs and a whole packaged loaf of bread. He acts like he can’t speak English, and is wearing an African traditional print shirt (you can see his sleeve often in frame). He makes up a fake African language and reverses “sir” and “ma’am” on men and women. 

It’s HILARIOUS. 

What’s even more notable is that most of his videos are in Dollar General locations, but some aren’t. What’s funny is that when he’s in a regular grocery store, the employees are generally very polite and sensical. But when he goes to Dollar General locations, the managers just get extremely pissed off and completely unhinged.  I will never know what it is about dollar General staff.  After almost 8 years of doing mystery shops and retail audits, I can safely say they are some of the individuals you most do not want to piss off. 

Sometimes, this guy will even take a couple slices of bologna out of the package. In one clip, the bologna was disappearing under the conveyor belt. It was hysterical. I know what you’re thinking- does he break his cover with these people and pay for the items?  I hope so-  I mean it seems like he brings them in with him. One Dollar General employee was over by the refrigerated aisle looking for “where he got them from” all the while saying, “But we don’t even have any eggs.” 

I have had my laughs this evening. 

Cat Grooming

 I’ve never had a long haired cat. Jordan smacks us when we brush him and has gotten a little bit of matting. We found a cat groomer who took him today. I think he looks ridiculous! 🤣 

He looks embarrassed, and his brothers are hissing at him. 

I was hoping she’d trim his tail, but I was actually able to get a couple mats out of his tail. 

Happy Greek Easter Tidbits

First of all, I’ve lost 3.8 pounds in the last ten days. This is what the scale read each of the following mornings:

April 2: 206.0

April 4: 205.6

April 10: 203.2

April 12: 202.2

This is what Google has to say about a 3.8 pound weight loss in ten days. It’s completely fine. 

Today, we had flash flooding, so I didn’t go to the park. I am also afraid to go back to fitness connection, even though I have a membership until May 31. I can go to another location, but I’m afraid once I swipe in, I’ll be flagged as the woman who ditched the pushy salesman/personal trainer, and alarms will go off or something.  

I need to find a new gym. It’s going to be too hot soon to be going to the park. 

 

A good resource for working out is Heather Roberts on YouTube. I’m not sure I’m in any kind of headspace to just be exercising at home though. 

I want to make a quick vent about something. Some people who consider themselves big “mental health advocates” and really try to raise awareness about the validity of having a mental health diagnosis and will say things like “erase the stigma”.  You know who I’m talking about. Well, it seems like the very minute they don’t like someone or disagree with someone, they will use a mental health issue in order to insult that person- Thus creating stigma. I hope what I’m saying makes sense. And they’ll use unpopular diagnoses. They won’t insult someone by saying they have depression or any sort of neurodivergence, because those things are trendy. They’ll use personality disorders, especially narcissism. And EVEN if they don’t use a diagnostic term. They will tell the person they are trying to insult to “seek therapy.”  When, every other time, they are trying to make therapy into a respectable, commendable choice that should be celebrated. They’ll say there’s nothing wrong with going to therapy, but when they want to demean someone, they’ll use go to therapy. It’s such a weird juxtaposition. I’m not saying this because people do this to me. It has happened to me here and there, but I see it happening publicly all the time, in particular with celebrities, politicians, and the person’s own estranged family members. Please be aware that if you do this, then this is what creates the stigma that you want erased during awareness month. I’m just saying. 

On a brighter note, it’s Greek Easter, and my mom partied with about 50 people. She’s been trying to call with the gossip updates as I’m drafting this. These kids have been trending on TikTok for two weeks, even though that performance was more than a decade ago. I think they sound so cute!  They bring tears to my eyes!  

And I have fewer hours this week with my usual easy client who asked “where I had been”. She’s mad at gift card boss for sending different people all the time. I told GCB that I can do split shifts sometimes but not all the time and that they wear on me. I explained gas prices, ability to make other commitments, etc. I don’t have a lot of hours this week, but I’m absolutely ok with that. I have been through a ton the last few months. 

Gym Free Session

I have known for a while now to it my gym offers a free training session. I went today to see what I could learn about how to do anything. 

I learned quite a bit, actually. I figured he would try to sell me something at the end, but didn’t know he’d be as pushy as he was. He was trying to get me to spend about $700 a month on a “training package”. lol, no. My membership is only $27 a month. 

He talked me down and down and down to a twice a month package for over $200 a month and I agreed to it thinking I can cancel later- he seriously wasn’t letting me go without signing up. So he told me to get my debit card. I think he thought I left it in a locker, but it was in my trunk. He said go get it and come back. I went out to I my car and literally left. 

Then, he started blowing up my phone from the gym number and his own cell phone. I blocked both phones. 

Pushy salesmen are the worst. It literally made me call up and cancel my membership there, because he was so extremely pushy with the selling. 

At least I learned a little bit about the machines, and later I came home and ChatGPT gave me this response. Basically, 3-5 times a week. 5-8 machines covering the entire body. 3-4 reps of 8-12.  Just do that and you’ll get toned. Follow with 30 minutes of cardio. 

 

Wonderful Days Off

First of all, I renewed HULU to start watching The Testaments. If you aren’t aware, it’s a sequel to The Handmaid’s Tale, which I hated to love so much. The Handmaids Tale was addicting, but it was so dumb. I didn’t want to watch The Testaments, but I knew I had to see what happens to the main character’s daughter. 

The main character of The Handmaids Tale had two daughters. The older one, who was stolen from her arms at age five during a coup de etat, is the main character of The Testaments. The second daughter was born to her as a handmaid.  The Testaments is pretty good so far, but there is a huge debate online about whether or not the secondary character in the Testaments is in fact that second daughter. In the book, she is the second daughter. But the book takes place 15 years after The Handmaids Tale, whereas the show only takes place four years later. Since this second daughter is only a toddler at the end of The Handmaid's Tale, she’d be only 6 on this show. But the secondary character is a teenager- which fits with the book. 

This is what the show’s writer had to say about the issue:

To make matters more confusing, they chose a teen actress that looks just like the perfect mix of the actors that played her biological parents. Not everyone saw the memo from the show writer, so everyone is abuzz online. 

Yesterday and today, I was off work. I really needed it. This morning, I spoke to gift card boss about the client I went to see Monday and Tuesday. Thank god, she was evaluated by a nurse and is going back to skilled nursing. I’m so freakin glad. I told GCboss about some uneasiness I had regarding the fact that she left AMA. GCboss said this lady and her husband thought I was wonderful and had all nice things to say about me. That’s nice!  But I’m still glad she’s back admitted. I knew an RN would say hell no. 

When I’m old, I am going to have to be extremely careful not to fall. Falling REALLY messes them up. I should walk as much as possible now, and when I get older, maybe start using walking aids before a doctor tells me to. One can still walk in the park with a cane or walker with wheels. It’s just my opinion that at that age, being extra careful it’s important. Falling can be fatal for elderly people. 

Speaking of walking in the park, I started my day getting about 6,000 steps in a nice park all the way in Elgin, TX. 

Then I went into Austin, did two small jobs on merchandiser, then got about 4,000 more steps on the treadmill at a gym there. Then I went on field agent and ate lunch at a Subway there in Austin, getting a free sub plus $3. Then I went to San Marcos to pick up my daughter and take her out for a fun afternoon. I took her to Waffle House (which is why I ate at subway first-not much healthy at Waffle House). Then took her to Target. I didn’t get to see her much over spring break. We had a healthy conversation about sensitive topics. I’m glad my daughter can talk to me!  I couldn’t open up to my mother about half the stuff she opens up to me about. 

Now im home, and it’s pouring rain. 

Feeling Good, Feeling Bad

I went to the park two days ago and walked while holding a water bottle in each hand. While walking, I did arm lifts and arm circles holding the bottles as weights. If I waned a drink, I made sure I drank roughly equal amounts from each bottle. Yesterday I felt great. The problem I have had in my muscles since 2014 is “being worked out” by exercising.  No one ever suggested exercising to me as a solution. In fact, it was semi discouraged by the pervasive message to “not let anyone tell you to just exercise.”  (In other words, go to a psychiatrist and therapist instead.)  

I found this meme message that resonated with me. “Do a rep for every lie you believed.”  It’s powerful. It’s really about rising above whatever situation you find yourself in after believing a multitude of lies. Scroll down to hear about my latest client at work. 

This is so true:  There’s so much “don’t exercise” mentality out there, and I’m trying to unlearn all of it. 

Gift card boss put me with a brand new client. What this client didn’t tell her was that she left skilled nursing against medical advice.  She has a fractured hip and shoulder. Her fall happened at church during a service for Holy Week. So it was VERY recent. I cannot turn her in bed to change, bathe or dress her. I have to do so by pushing things under her and pushing hard on the mattress. This itself is a workout. Plus, her husband is the literal king of Weaponized Incompetence. I had to show him how to start a wash machine and dishwasher. 

She really likes to talk to me and has said a couple times that I’m a good listener. They like me and are asking for me to come back. But I REALLY need my days off, which are today and tomorrow. If I don’t get my days off, I’m going to completely fall apart. Gift card boss took me off of the schedule of the bedridden 89 year old that I was working with to put me with this lady. The good news is that by the time I go back Friday, she will have been evaluated by a home health nurse. I need advice from an RN on this one. I’ve only cared for people who have had weeks to months to recover from fractures. Hers are so recent that she reminds me of the princess and the pea. 

And she won’t take pain meds! 

But on to how I feel. The exercise has really helped the problem in my muscles that I can’t describe. My arms and legs are feeling gooooooodddd!!!  But there’s fatigue that comes with it. Some of it maybe caregiver fatigue. Some may be that I’m working out about five days a week without really knowing how. I have not puked from dehydration any more than that one time. I know I need to rest to make it work, but I also don’t want to excessively rest to the point where I’m back into a sedentary lifestyle. 

Easter/Palm Sunday/Spring

Kevin went to a different park. He sent me his location, and I went there. There are about five parks all “interconnected”. I walked far enough to eventually reach where I was yesterday. I also got a money shot picture of this cardinal. 

Here’s the trail. It’s a beautiful tree tunnel. 

Being Easter Sunday, I earned time and a half for both of my shifts. My religious background is complicated. My parents were Eastern Orthodox, who celebrate Easter based on a different calendar. Then when I was in middle school, they enrolled me in a Christian school affiliated with a baptist church. So I essentially left the Orthodox Church when I was 13. About every four years, orthodox and regular Easter falls on the same day. About every four years, it falls a whole month later. Two years out of every four years, it’s a week later, and that’s the case this year. So while yall were celebrating Easter, my mother was going to church for palms. 

I like when it falls on the same day. A week later is tolerable, and a month later is obnoxious. Although, the last time it fell a whole month later,

I observed both lents and lost 10-12 pounds. 

Last but not least, my phone decided to make me photo collages of my boy Alex. I love it. 

 

Walking Steps

I was doing great with reaching 10,000 steps a day.  I also would add my favorite arm/upper chest/upper back machines to it. On Thursday, we went to the park, and the water fountains were disabled. I should have known to stop what I was doing, run to the gas station nearby and get a bottled water. But I persevered, and once I was done with my workout I then went to the convenience store for water. Then I went home and had another bottle of water. I started getting extremely exhausted and had to lay down. Then I was sick as hell and finally managed to get to the bathroom to puke my brains out. I googled “throwing up after workout, and the cause was just what I did- exercising dehydrated and then chugging water afterwards. Dr. Google recommended a rest day. 

I have no idea how to exercise properly. I just have to learn as I go or research it online. I have always been surrounded by people with sort of a negative attitude towards it, and it has rubbed off on me in such a way that I have always thought “I can’t” do it. In fact, I was afraid a rest day would make me give up completely, but it’s supposed to be part of the plan. I took Friday as a rest day and then yesterday went hard again, this time with warm up and cool off. I went to this park during my six hour break and got my 10,000 steps.  I carried water with me this time. Most people would say my puking on Thursday is a reason to give up completely, but I just would prefer to learn from it.  I’m not going to turn into a gym bro that looks down their noses at people, but I also don’t want people who don’t do anything to insinuate that because they either  can’t or “can’t” that I can’t either. No doctor has ever told me I can’t. So I’m going to, because it helps a problem in my muscles that I can’t describe to anyone. 

Another great thing about this park is the benches by the water and the tree thicket. There is no workout equipment there though. If I want to write in the park, I can come here. If I want to do arm day, I can go to the one near my house. 

 

Split Shift Day

 It's the first of four split shifts, actually. During my 6 hour break, I did 3 more of the toilet paper and paper towel audits on the merchandiser app that paid $25.16 each. The three of them only took about 2 and a half hours with drive time. I could have done more, but they were out of the way. Then I went back to the HEB parking lot by my client’s home and worked on my book, The Child Advocate. I wrote out the main points of the SIDS training I received twice as a young adult.  I received it once while working in a daycare and once while working at the child crisis center. There is not going to be an entire scene of sitting through this training, but I am going to add the main jist of it somehow. The purpose of this book isn't just to tell a story, it's to raise awareness of a multitude of topics at the same time. But I want to sneak the awareness raising into the story telling. 

One of the stores I did the toilet paper job at was a Family Dollar. I was the only “customer” in the store (put in quotes because I didn't buy anything.)  

One woman was closing out her register, and another, younger woman was starting her shift, presumably with a new till. The older woman was standing over her till and just having an absolute meltdown, cursing shit fit because something wasn't adding up. Every time she yelled and/or cursed, I jumped because I thought she was yelling/cursing because she noticed me taking pictures. The younger woman was just standing at her register unbothered. I wanted to browse their cheap cosmetics, but decided not to. I just left when I uploaded the job. 

Tomorrow, I have a lot to blog about regarding news stories. There are several news stories that are bothering me right now, including but not limited to Joseph Duggar’s nasty ass and his ditzy nasty wife. I regret that I used to watch their show in the early 2000’s with my first husband and gawk at them. With another son admitting to the same thing, it's now a pattern and no longer “one bad apple”.  The Duggars have more than 40 grandchildren, and imo they ALL need forensic interviews by an advocacy center. All 40-whatever. No exceptions. 

Side Jobs

 I got a comment yesterday asking what my side jobs were all about. Well, I heard about one or two of these apps about 7 years ago on a subreddit called beer money. Then I heard about the rest as time went on. I did them as side jobd for a while, then when the pandemic hit, I did them as my main source of income because they paid so well. Keep in mind that they paid extraordinarily well during the pandemic, because no one wanted to go in and out of several stores. Then starting in 2022, the pay started decreasing steadily and by the end of 2022, I got a “real job”  which is fine, because that real job is where I met my husband. 

There used to be this mutual understanding among people in the forums for these, that we wouldn't be referring our friends and family, because that would mean fewer projects for us. I don't think that matters anymore in 2026. No one really depends on these anymore. The good paying gigs do come around every so often, but it's rare. 

The apps are Field Agent, Murchandiser (formerly EasyShift), Ivueit, Observa, GigWalk, and Premise. Premise has literally nothing anymore. Field Agent will only pay $2-$3, but I keep it for the free meals and free items +$3. Observe is average. Ivueit is for real estate investors and mainly wants pictures of landscaping. Merchandiser is the most intense. Merchandiser used to be EasyShift which paid you to go into stores and take pictures of certain aisles and displays. Field agent does the same thing. Like I said in the last post, though, you gotta keep it discreet. Some store managers and employees get nervous if they see someone taking pictures and might even ask you to leave. On Merchandiser, you might see very high paying liquor display audits. These are harder to do incognito, because liquor stores are smaller with more attentive staff, and they 100% will tell you not to take pictures. However, it's easier to be discreet at Specs. Specs is larger with less attentive employees. I generally do non liquor display jobs and liquor only if it's a specs location. 

Also on Merchandiser and Observa are jobs where you do actually go speak to a manager and have to ask about back stock on a certain item and check their handhelds. Also on Merchandiser, there are actual merchandising jobs where you build displays. There is a lot on there from frito lay. My husband asked yesterday why don't the frito lay reps do those. I don't know, but my guess is because they don't like going to family dollar or dollar general. 

Between March of 2020 and December of 2021, I did these in nine states: All over Texas of course, because that's where I live. Also Arizona, New Mexico, Oklahoma, Louisiana, Arkansas, Missouri, Southern Illinois and a little bit in Memphis. Before I met my husband, I was on again off again with an old high school friend in Arizona who was a single dad of two. I went to see them often, trying tovaee how much I could make on the way there and back. Another time, I needed my birth certificate and literally did these all the way to Illinois where I was born, because they were not shipping it. In July of 2020, I did very high paying coca cola beverage audits all over Arkansas. I made a killing. I also went through Arkansas on the way to Illinois. Another time, I just did my own little personal tour of Oklahoma while doing these. Same with Louisiana. Other times, I would go out to do some nearby and keep taking the next one and the next one and the next one, only to have a super long drive home. My mother yelled at me often to plan my routes better. I would do that, and then when I got to my farthest point, they'd send me a route offer for even further that I couldn't refuse. 

My favorite memory is calling her and her sounding anxious asking “Where are you?” I said, “Missouri.”  she thought I meant the Houston suburb of Missouri City only 25 miles from her house. I had to admit “No. No I'm in the state. Of Missouri.”  

This whole experience was a big lesson in finding myself and the beginning of my healing from severe panic attacks that started happening when I finished college in 2014. Now that my husband is on them, he wants to do more of the ones where you have to speak to a manager, because he's used to doing that with the inventory service. It's only a side hustle now, but comes in handy often. 

Trainer

A few days ago, my husband Kevin also signed up for the merchandiser app. Today I took him to a kroger where he did a toilet paper and paper towel audit for $25.17. This is technically a mystery shop and the employees aren't supposed to know what we're doing. I have been doing these jobs since 2018, so I know how to look discreet. My husband, however, was standing in the aisle looking like this: 

 

I stood to his side with a cart to block the pharmacy’s view of him. He let me take the first few pictures to see how I do it discreetly. Then he finished the job himself. He only had to redo one picture due to the top of the aisle being cut off. He said I am a good trainer.  I know I am!!! I used to train new people when I worked at the childrens museum. 

The Perfect April Fools Joke

 The inventory service tends to have busy and slow spurts. Kevin has been pretty busy lately, and today is his first of five days off. All day yesterday, he kept anticipating the bosses to let him know about something for the next few days, but by bedtime, the answer was still nope. Then at 3:00 am, we were both up with the cats causing ruckus. I told him that the manager called last night, and that he does have to work today. His face was immediately 😨.  He totally believed me. Then I said, “April Fools!”    He burst out laughing. He is *really* looking forward to five days off. 

As for me, I have two days off and then doing split shifts Friday through Monday. I'm not letting that change. If she texts me with some emergency, I'm just leaving it unread. If I don't click on the text, she wont get a read receipt. Then I can say I was asleep. I really need these couple of days off. 

The bedridden client I'm caring for now wondered where I was all last weekend because I was working with the temporary clients. She favors me, and that's good. But, I'm trying not to get too attached to her, because I don't think she has much time. She's not on hospice, but it seems like she will be soon. 

Yesterday, she was crying to me, because she was in the hospital when her husband died at home, and she wasn't there to hold him and tell him she loved him. That almost broke me, because I am absolutely dreading losing my husband. He's so much older than me that it's more likely. I reassured her that he did know she loved him. And that I was sorry. Then she started bitching about gas prices, but she doesn't go anywhere. So that was better. 

Then, she got a Facebook message from a scammer that had copied the profile and likeness of her granddaughter, asking her for $500 to fix her car. My client was asking me what “Zelle” was, and I was sus immediately. I despise helping elderly people with stuff on phones. And the messages from her granddaughter kept coming super impatiently. “Have u sent it yet?”  “I really need it grandma, can you hurry?” and so on. I asked if this was like her. She said no. I said it sounded like a scam. She said it was her granddaughter’s Facebook profile. I looked at the profile and the thread and her friends list. And it was clearly a scammer. 

Even so, she doesn't know how to use zelle or pay pal anyway and I wasn't about to show her. I pretended I didn't know either. 

She didn't completely understand and still thinks her granddaughter needs money. I'm exhausted. She wasn't scammed, so that's good, and maybe eventually her granddaughter will get $500 out of this. 

Exercise is Amazing

I’ve been pushing myself more than usual to exercise. This is mainly because the weight loss pill I was prescribed gives me a burst of energy lasting about 6-7 hours every morning. Unfortunately, a crash of tiredness then follows, but a caffeinated drink reverses that. The burst of energy feels nice, and the point is to use it to exercise. 

I’ve also usually described my anxiety as a certain feeling in my arms, legs, upper chest, and upper back. The feeling itself is not anxiety, but causes anxiety, I think. The feeling makes it super difficult to initiate movement. I have to really force myself to get out of a chair or out of the car, and so on. It makes me feel suspended, like my arms and legs are being held back. I think this has contributed to weight gain for me. This happened after I finished college. This muscle feeling happened, and the extreme difficulty in initiating movement caused gradual weight gain. Also when you have anxiety, everything is an emergency, and I personally kind of eat like it’s an emergency. If that makes me sound “fat phobic,” then please try to understand about anxiety and the fight, flight or freeze responses. 

Ever since I started taking phentermine, I have not had this constant emergency feeling surrounding food. I can eat just enough and be good for several hours, not even feeling hungry or anticipating what I should eat next.

Before the phentermine, I was only walking about 1,000-3,000 steps daily, even though my goal is 10,000. Last week, I hit my goal of 10,000 five out of the seven days. This week, I hit it all three days in a row now. 

Trust me, I am SORE AS HELL.  But the creepy Crawley muscle feeling that I've had since finishing college actually is cured by that soreness. It's hard to explain. The soreness is preferable. 

This morning, I went to the gym at 5:00 am and did 5500 steps on the treadmill. Then I went to the park at 7:00 am and did about 3,000 more as well as got on this machine. You push those with your arms, and it works your upper arms and upper abdomen. I completed my 10,000 steps goal by doing some side jobs (taking pictures in stores) and parking far away from the doors. I think this is a great way to heal the stuff I've been through the last 12 years. I definitely have “the high”  And the sore. 

 

10 Unfinished Projects

 I feel like the poster child for late diagnosed ADHD right now, because I feel like I’ve started ten things and haven’t finished any of them. 

The book I’m writing called The Child Advocate. I did write out a few scenes in the spiral notebook I talked about earlier. That thing is too heavy to work on every day. Every day would be ideal, though. 

All the reading and research on anti-ABA online, which now includes  This culmination

The two books I’m reading on the same subject.  The book by the author “Julie Roberts” who I can’t find info on because of her similar name to Julia Roberts is all full of scientific studies. I simply can’t remember much of what I learned in methods in research class at University of Houston.  I’d need a brief refresher, probably something on YouTube.  I texted my daughter asking her when she takes it at TXST.  She doesn’t know.  Probably in her junior year, as it’s a 300 level class. 

Working as a caregiver and trying to set at least some boundaries with musical schedule boss (gift card boss).  She does sort of a professional version of love bombing.  It’s not real love bombing, it’s work appropriate.  She says I’m amazing, I’m a rockstar, I’m this and that  and maybe I am 🤷🏻‍♀️.  I’m also fundamentally exhausted, and musical schedules affects my mental health.  

I am trying to do more side jobs on the merchandiser and field agent apps, and now my husband wants to try them.  We are planning to go do some together, but haven’t gotten a chance.  This weekend, the field agent app had a lot of freebies.  I got two free subway sandwiches plus $3 each, free chipotle (I got vegetarian tacos) plus I think $3 or $5, and another free stick of deodorant plus $5.  We will never run out of deodorant at this rate.

Writing my own recipe cards based on stuff I find in cookbooks that I like and want to try. 

I bought an old art history textbook from half price books and am trying to cut out pictures of art and make collages with decoupage.  I worked a little on a Byzantine inspired one for my mom for Mother’s Day.

Reading the handful of books I have on writing. 

Purpose nigh to walk 10,000 steps daily  

The fun I’m having with ChatGPT helping me come up with elements to the other book in my head- the one with the couple based on me and my first love, Matthew. I’m actually creating story lines for all seven kids based on the kids of some influencers I semi-follow. 

Thinking of Matt brought a memory to mind. When we first started dating, we worked together at a supermarket. He used to say he wanted to work his way up with that and eventually become a store manager. This was very much discouraged. He was basically yelled at that there was no working his way up in the supermarket business and that it was a dead end job to even be a store manager. He was pressured to go to college and get a degree instead.  We all were. Well, about a year ago, my inventory coworker, who used to be a grocery store manager told me that she was making $120-$130,000 a year. I was floored. She was making that in the past, not just now days. When I expressed my disbelief, her husband told me that store managers actually do make that much. What?  I literally said, “Why then, when you are a kid working in a store, they tell you that working your way up there is a dead end?  They both said, “I don’t know.” And “It’s not a dead end.” 

One more thing to add to the list of “things they were wrong about.”  RIP Matt

AI Family Portraits

It dawned on me today that there would be no way possible to get my three cats posing together in a nice grassy meadow for a family portrait. So I had ChatGPT do it. It came out perfect, except for the fact that Alex has less white on his paws. He wears ankle socks, not crews. 

Then I thought- you know what else would be impossible?  Getting my family together to pose for a family portrait. It’s not just because we all live in different cities and states, it’s also because many of us/them don’t even speak to each other. I tried to get ChatGPT to do one family portrait of me with my paternal first cousins, and one with me and my maternal first cousins. 

This one is what came up when I entered pictures of me and my cousins on my father’s side. That’s supposed to be me on the far left. My only female cousin on that side has aged significantly since looking like this, and she looks exactly like our mutual grandmother now.  The four men all look spot on. 

My mother’s side was a little more complicated, because there were 16 of us.  I’m supposed to be the one in the black shirt in the front row. It looks nothing like me. This was way more complicated to make, because I didn’t have pictures of everyone. For the ones I didn’t have pictures of, I gave ChatGPT pictures of their siblings that they resembled most. That’s why there are a couple in here that look like twins. In my opinion, only half of the people here look like the actual people, but this one was just hard to do. Maybe when I have the mental energy and headspace to do so, I’ll submit more changes to ChatGPT to get a more realistic family portrait. 

I didn’t like being an only child, and I gravitated to my 19 cousins as much as possible. Yes there are 20 total, but one was an adoptee that we didn’t find out about until about 2017.  Two have passed away, two have gone no contact with everyone (it’s not known if these two are alive or dead but I presume them alive), and there are three that won’t speak to me and are among my biggest haters now. But that’s ok. Haters are gonna hate!  

I’m not sure if the children of one’s first cousins are considered your second cousins or your first cousins once removed, but in total, I have 29 of those now. Most of those 29 are adults with their own families, and I do not have a count on how many grandchildren of my first cousins there are. (Great grandchildren of my parents siblings). On my father’s side, it’s 8.  On my mom’s side, who knows. It’s 24-25 that I know of. 

When I’m old, with grandkids and great grandkids, I hope we can take family portraits like this in real time, instead of having AI do it because we are all so distant in so many ways. In the 1980’s in Chicago, my holidays looked like this. 

If my grandparents saw these fake images with everyone hugging and smiling, they’d be proud if they thought it would be real. Realistically, they couldn’t possibly proud at the sheer number of generational curses that have been perpetrated. I’m confident that third generation, the one I don’t have a count for, will “break those curses” and do way better than we did. In fact, I believe the young people in general are already doing way better than we ever did, in most families. 

The kids are alright. 

I’m the Proudest Mom

Today my daughter Anna volunteered again with the animal sciences club at Texas State U. Then, she went to a No Kings protest and posed with a drag queen. 

I’m so proud of my kid. I never tried to live vicariously through her, and I never pushed things on her that would make her “have things I didn’t have”.  But here she is, living her best life at 18. 

Tidbits for the Last Full Week of March

 Gift card boss has me working with a couple whose son normally cares for them but is out of town until Sunday. The shift differential for this is $6.50 more per hour, probably because they are only paying for split shifts. They get two hours in the morning and two hours in the evening. It’s 8-10 am and 5-7 pm from this past Wednesday until this Sunday. GCBoss said it’s a very important client because they were referred by their hospice company and she wants that hospice company to refer more people. So, I’m the only one working with this couple in order to prevent them from thinking she sends different people all the time and plays musical schedules. This couple are both dying from COPD. I go in and basically just get them a meal, clean their commode, take care of all the pets, visit with them and that’s it. They are lonely. They gave me several cookbooks. In fact, they insisted I take them. I took only two and they wanted me to take more. 

I actually like having seven hour breaks. Can’t do it all the time, though. I had a doctors appointment, did the taxes, and a lot of grocery shopping. My doctor put me on a weight loss pill!  It’s called phentermine, and it’s great. I have a nice burst of energy all day long, and I’m good eating only half of what I normally eat. Tomorrow, I’ll be able to go to the park on my 7 hour break and get 10,000 steps again. 

I also got two $50 gift cards to Walmart for taking last minute shifts over the weekend. After I’m done working with this couple and their son comes home, I’ll get an Amazon gift card. The son of this couple, who’s traveling, told me about the Lone Star Walking Trail. It’s 96 miles. I gotta check it out. There must be some great nature there. I want to go before the bluebonnets die. 

I’ve also been using ChatGPT to help me in writing a narrative about some fictional characters based on me and my first boyfriend. My first boyfriend died last year at age 46. We were 18 and a half when we started dating and about 21 when we broke up. I dumped him out of pressure from others, and when I regretted it a month later and tried to get him back, he refused. We kept in touch here and there over the years. But with ChatGPT, I started exploring kind of a story line of us if we had actually gone through with the things we dreamed of in the future. The main thing is that we wanted 7 kids. Realistically, would that have happened?  Probably not, but we were young daydreamers. We had other goals and aspirations too, regarding jobs, businesses, house design, etc. ChatGPT is an insanely horrible writer. It can’t write the story, but it gives me ideas. It shows pictures of the house we dreamed of. It gives me potential story lines and characteristics of the seven kids we never got to have. Which in the story is a boy, then a girl, then boy/girl twins, then adoption of a sibling group of 3. If this were ever to become a “book”, there would need to be a character arc, perhaps even a character arc for all seven kids. And of course, in the made up story, he doesn’t die at age 46. It’s fun to go down the possibilities. I do not believe the claims that ChatGPT causes psychosis. I’m not psychotic yet. I’m 100% in reality, and I’m bringing companionship and help to a couple in their final days. An escape to the what ifs is deserved.