Denim Chenille Apliquè

 This was my first attempt at denim chenille appliqué. I’m not sure about this. I think in a whole quilt, instead of these prototypes, it would look nicer. 

I realize I didn’t clip the middle seams before washing. The purple is a circle- you can’t even tell 😕

And yes I know it would look better if the thread matched, but these are prototypes and I was just experimenting. At least I fixed my tension!

Bracelet + Friday Tidbits

 One of the ladies that lives in the group home I work at made me this bracelet. 

Kevin texted me this morning saying that both the Houston and Austin crews are going to Corpus Christi next week. He was lamenting about how he shouldn’t have to go on the corpus trip because he moved to Austin, only to find out Austin is going too. Then he texted the owner of the company and asked if he could move here permanently after corpus. She responded yes and that she was “looking forward to having him in central Texas”.  See, I knew it.

Today I stayed late at work until about 10:00 am. Then i came home and crashed for a few hours. I washed all of my bedding when I woke up and flipped the mattress. I swept and mopped the bedroom and went out for new cat litter. I had scooped the litter boxes and added the rest of all the litter I had. New homes are always easier to clean!

So I had a consultation with a therapist who is willing to see me, the problem is that I don’t trust her at all. I realize that I do not know her that well and that I’m basing my opinion of what will happen on past experiences. But therapy itself just seems so flawed to me all of a sudden. I really just don’t want to go at all, the problem is that in our society you aren’t really “allowed” to not want therapy. If you had several bad experiences, then too bad. There is insane pressure to go to therapy in this society, and if you don’t go you’re a pariah. Therefore I literally do not have a choice. 

I explained to her that one therapist diagnosed me with PTSD based on symptoms and the next one took the diagnosis away based on my childhood being too privileged (married parents with enough money etc). Then there was the other one who didn’t believe my story and kept condescendingly if I was sure X happened and not YZ.  This therapist validated me that I “should be believed”, but that doesn’t mean she’s not going to retract that validation down the line in three or four or ten sessions. These consultations are so problematic, because even if the therapist does agree to take you on, she might just need money really badly and is telling you what you want to hear to get you in and then will change her tone later. The therapist that took away my cptsd diagnosis completely switched personalities in the middle of the third session. She went from very understanding and great to basically telling me to get over it- something other women wouldn’t be able to handle. 

I’m just extremely, extremely uncomfortable about opening up to anyone at all. I really don’t even want to tell this lady my symptoms. What would be the point? There is still the possibility that she won’t believe me about anything. I really don’t know what to do anymore except tell these people “I don’t know.”  Because I can think up something to tell them, and then that might be the thing that turns them toxic. The fact that so many had a problem with me meeting my husband on the job when he was my supervisor makes me scared to death that they’ll make me leave him without even knowing him. It’s all just very scary and pointless. 

Another thing that doesn’t sit right with me is when people say, “Find a therapist who will believe you!” And suggest or outright say that I should interview them about this beforehand. That just sounds so not normal. Am I interviewing people to pay them to believe me?  Why should anyone have to do that?  People either believe people or they don’t. It shouldn’t be anyone’s “job” but yet, it is. And no one else sees how wrong that seems?  I can also fake believing someone’s story if you were paying me $100-$200 per hour. I’ll validate your ass all day. But would that be real validation, and why do I need their validation anyway?  

All of the pressure to see a therapist really comes from online spaces such as facebook groups for anxiety, depression and cptsd. Also TikTok. Because for some reason my damn algorithm has therapists and “mental health advocates” which is making me honestly not even want to go on. I can log back into Facebook and  block all the mental health groups or I can just suspend my account again. Then I noticed that a lot of the profiles that are diehard mental health advocates seem to be bots. One of them said, “Having a BA in psychology doesn’t make someone a good therapist.”  And- they’re right. Therapists have masters degrees. Right away I started noticing bot characteristics. And that’s definitely possible. People insert bots with an agenda into online spaces all the time. Real people would mostly generally believe that someone shouldn’t do something they really don’t want to do and no longer bet they can benefit from. (Such as me with therapy). 

I texted this therapist that I wasn’t comfortable and she said she would cancel my appointment but also keep it open for me if I still wanted it (which isn’t canceling). It’s on 9/9 at 9 am. That’s my next pay day as well. I want to tell her again no PLEASE cancel it but if I also don’t want to dip into territory where she’s “setting boundaries with me because I texted her” because that is so obnoxious. I’m thinking I will just leave it alone until 9/8, maybe by then I’ll change my mind, but if not, then I still won’t text her and if she complains that I didn’t show up, I’ll just show the text where I said to cancel. Of course that opens up the possibility that she’ll still charge me and it will take a million years to get my $125 back. See how I can’t open up to these ppl?  They honestly just cause more anxiety. 

The Best PB&J in the World

About 15 years ago, when Anna was little and it was just me and her in my own apartment, one time I made some homemade bread. While it was still warm, I got out one of those jars of peanut butter and jelly stripes and spread a bunch on a slice for her. When she ate it, she told me, “Mommy, this is the best peanut butter and jelly sandwich in the whole world.” 

Well, today I recreated it. I couldn’t find PB&J stripe jars, so I just got regular peanut butter and “four berry jam”.  

I know the bread wasn’t baked all the way through, but it was still good!  I put it back in for ten minutes after eating this slice. 

I made this loaf for myself, Kevin, my coworker, and the five ladies in the group home I work at. They all liked it, but my coworker said it was a little heavy. She said it would make good dumplings. I said, what would?  She said “That recipe, but make dumplings instead of bread.” 

Oh, ok?  I never have made dumplings. Maybe I’ll even add chicken. 

 

Capital of Texas Updates

Almost 8 weeks in, and I am loving Austin. Just as it has been, the only problem is that my husband still can’t move here permanently. He did get a transfer to the Austin crew of his job, but said he would stay until they were staffed. Then the manager wouldn’t call back anyone that the Austin manager hired for Houston. Then one or two stuck, but are problematic. There are officially three solid seeming new people, and it seems like Kevin can finally join me here permanently and start working on the Austin crew. I mean you would think that three people would be adequate to replace one. It was even to a point where they didn’t have enough scanners for people. So one of the new guys was doing “pre counts” with stickies on high quantity items. What a waste of time. The new people have to learn the scanners, my husband doesn’t. Have my husband do the stickies or just let him move here. I can tell they are fucking with us because they’re mad about our move. 

My mom’s narrative is that Kevin won’t join me here permanently, because “he secretly just doesn’t want to be with me.”  Because of course that is what my mother thinks. Why would my husband be paying for this whole ass apartment that he only gets to crash at on the weekends?  His parents’ guest house has crappy AC and ants. The only financial contribution I made to this apartment was $150 towards the move in costs/deposit and then yesterday I paid $400 towards September rent. My husband only said “I’ll get us an apartment there if you get any job” just to get me into a better situation. The place in Hempstead is falling apart, and I didn’t like the job I was working at, and we knew we wanted to end up here anyway. Kevin had kind of an emotional crash out when he found out that the Houston crew has jobs scheduled this Saturday and Sunday- so he wouldn’t be able to come to Austin for the weekend. My mother’s interpretation was “Maybe he actually crashed out because he’s tired of you.”  

This caused me to blow up at my mother, which caused her to act oblivious. She didn’t do anything wrong and just has no idea what she said wrong!  

She has always, always created this narrative that stars me as the root of all the problems of everyone else around me. I sometimes explain it as having been born already canceled. It’s funny, because it’s her generation that hates “cancel culture.”  

The day after my blow up at my mom, Dolly Parton died. Damnit. Now I have to call her and be like “Dolly Parton died.” Aretha Franklin died the last time we had a major fight. I refused to call her about it at that time, and then she was like “You didn’t call me when Aretha Franklin died!” As if she was her relative and I owed her condolences. So about 12-14 hours after the news broke, I simply sent a text saying “Dolly Parton died.”  I knew she must have been watching it on tv all day, so it was a little funny that I sent that text as if I was announcing it. In fact, she was probably channel surfing whenever one network stopped talking about it, in order To see if another network was talking about it. She does that when there’s major news, and then she complains that there’s too much news coverage. 

She responded as if the fight never happened, so I guess we are cool but I’m being distant. 

It’s now looking like Kevin can head to Austin this weekend after all. I agree, because three new people can make up for it!  Especially with not enough scanners because what the hell!  I’m glad because Kevin was kind of depressed that he couldn’t come this weekend. 

The only other new city woe is my $186 toll road bill. I paid that yesterday. 😓. Austin freeways have a habit of not being a toll for several miles, and then all of a sudden they are. So as soon as I paid that yesterday, I decided to drive around the city all day (doing side jobs of course) and really really paying attention to what’s a toll and where- that way, if my navigation tells me to go one way, I know not to. I do not even think Siri knows which Austin highways are tolls, because I select avoid tolls, and it still sends me on them. I had lived in Houston 24 years, so I had it memorized what was a toll and what wasn’t. The one that does this the most is highway 183. It’s a toll, then it’s not, then it is, then it’s not. RM620 is free for like 20 miles all around the perimeter of the city and then once it gets to the area where I live, bam it’s a toll. I really have spent the last couple days making note of these things so I don’t have to pay $186 again. 

Other than that things are great. I love having an easy night job and lots of side jobs to do locally during the day. I’m going in tonight at midnight and would be getting off at 8 am but agreed to take one of the ladies on a doctor appointment at 8:20 am. This way, the day staff doesn’t have to take everyone to one person’s appointment. I wouldn’t want to have to go to a housemate’s appointments either. After that hopefully I’ll see Kevin!!

Organizing Quilting Squares 🟥🔷🟦🔹🟧

 This shelving unit in my enormous closet has been designated for 6 inch quilting squares and isn’t finished yet. My cat Mitchell has decided it’s a good spot. 

I’ve decided that I’m going to have the lint roller out when I start doing patchwork. 

Also a disclaimer- denim chenille quilts are washed 2-3 times to get the chenille effect, so cat hair won’t be an issue !!!

My Great Idea

Last night I asked ChatGPT to give me a complete daily workout routine. I want to work out DAILY.  I have always felt like if I skip a day, I will never exercise again. I told the bot this and it gave me this routine. I did the Friday routine when I got home from work this morning. It’s only a teeny bit challenging. I am starting to think it’s a good idea to ask ChatGPT things, because a person will beat around the bush and/or judge. Some sort of coach/counselor person would have had to spend hours and fucking days with me before giving me this list. 

 

Shelves!!!

 I found a bookcase by the dumpster yesterday. The shell of the bookcase was broken, but these shelves were fine. I took them in order to build a bookshelf out of cans. I get large cans of foods I would love to have in an emergency and balance old shelves on them. Then I can use the new shelving unit for other things. I got the idea from Mormon preppers. I’ve done this for 15 years