One more final thought

 One more final thing on ABA hell. Remember This post I made when my own therapist recommended I do exposure and response prevention therapy?  I didn’t see how anything helpful came of a therapy where all it was was them telling you “just don’t do the thing.” 

Maybe some of that played a part here too. If something is considered a therapy, I don’t know why, I just expect it to be more/different/better than just “ok don’t do that.”  The example I gave below  where you would tell a screaming child to say stop instead of screaming is an example. You’re just telling them not to.  Anyone can tell anyone to say a certain word or to not scream. I just in general expect more out of anything considered therapy. 

Another thing that happened was that I got a stomach bug. In the beginning of my time there, they were pretty extreme in the training about not calling in sick. And of course, if you do call in sick and you are scheduled to work with a child, then you are harming that child if they have to cancel their therapy for a day (even though there was dozens of staff who changed kids every hour or two).  

I started getting stomach pains in my first full week. Diarrhea and vomiting then followed by  feeling weak and dehydrated. I was able to hide the fact that I was sick for several days. Then the trainer sent me home saying “I looked like I was ready to pass out.”  Then I called saying I had a doctors note and she got on my case saying I had to let them know if I was sick.

And I mean, this is a problem at literally every workplace. People are always going to be mad at you if you call in sick and then mad if you show up sick. But in this case, it was VERY blatant contradicting and she literally said that in both scenarios (whether you came in sick or called out) that it was harmful to the kids. Just dealing with that catch 22 in general is enough of a challenge, but if no one is accusing me of being a detriment to the kids no matter what scenario I chose (going in or staying) then it becomes extremely personal. I can deal with Joe Shmo mad that I either called in sick or didn’t. But when not going in harms the children and going in also harms the children and THAT implication is made, then it’s a whole nother level 

I do not know how to move forward. I am stuck. Before this, I had this long list of achievements and it feels like none of them matter. This is more than something just “not being easy”. It’s an entire arbitrary environment. I do not know how to go forward and don’t think I will. 

Progress/therapy/other examples

 I didn’t see progress in only two weeks, but that’s not entirely what I meant when I said I didn’t feel like the kids were learning anything. Maybe I should have clarified that better. I saw them either repeating the techs or not repeating them, but it just didn’t “seem” to me like they were learning the reason behind why they had to repeat. For example, if you prompted a kid to say “stop” instead of just screaming, and the kid repeated “stop” and then still screamed, then it doesn’t appear that they’re learning why they need to say stop. I’ve also worked in daycare before, and this is way way different. Not abusive at all, at least whatever I saw for myself wasn’t abusive. But it was a completely foreign concept than whatever you’d see in a daycare. I also think that if a parent saw progress in their kids in a year, then that might be because of this therapy or it might also be because they the parent succeeded at certain things with them. Or because the child is growing up and developing like all people do. I guess I just can’t see how this particular thing was helpful in the moment. The idea is that the reinforcement is supposed to work. 

I’m open to learning more, but my extreme willingness to be open minded is getting thin at this point. If that’s a flaw in me, then oh no I guess I’m flawed. 

Example

 I thought about editing my last post with this one example, but since that post has already gotten about six views I just made another post. 

After a few days of just watching videos in the staff room, I was shadowing other techs who were working one on one with children. They made it clear that I wasn’t expected to do the actual therapy yet, just observe and interact with the kids. So the tech I shadowed said to me, “This is so and so” and I replied with “Hi (name) how are you? I’m Danielle.”  Later on, I was told that was too many words. And look, I get that they’re non verbal. I totally understood that this nonverbal three year old was not going to say, “Hi Danielle, how are you, I’m-“

So I told myself ok, next time I do this I’ll do differently and I will only talk to them in one word increments. EXCEPT that the one word increments that the therapists and techs are to use with them are already scripted in their notes, and I was using wrong words. 

It would have been totally fine if I was given the chance to memorize all of their “target words” but I was only given the notes of a couple kids. And I’m still not actually certified or working one on one with kids. 

I really hate that all these little basic well meaning things are seen as “wrong”. The trainer lectured me a couple times about this, and she gave the impression that I was trying to harm the kids somehow. By saying “hi how are you” !!! And by using “thank you” in the moment when “thank you isn’t a target” or whatever. This is all just so weird to me and foreign and I just don’t think I can open my mind any more than I possibly already have. 

Sometimes, with working with kids, if someone is new or learning or maybe the job isn’t a right fit for them, people who work with kids will accuse that person of intending to do the kids harm. I think I’m guilty of it in their past myself, so maybe this is karma. But now that this trainer has lectured me twice about this weird issue, it’s clear that she’s doing the same thing to me. I feel like I have devoted MY WHOLE LIFE to helping children and to end up in this weird place being told that I can’t say “Hi how are you” or “Are you done playing with that?” Or any complete sentence or any word or phrase that isn’t their target, I find that totally offensive and devastating. Like who would have thought after everything I have been through in my life and achieved that this would be the thing that someone chooses to bring me down with?  

This is why I just think there is no more calling on my life whatsoever. 

And I can totally get behind reprimanding someone who says “hi how are you” to an autistic nonverbal child and then gets pissed off when they don’t respond. But I thought it was a given that I already knew that. And that wasn’t the issue anyway. They were pissed that I said it at all. 

With my husband gone I honestly am tempted to just run away. There is no one to watch my cats though. I think it’s about time that I just sit down and consider my life and the things I’ve done/not done, what unfinished business I have and just stop trying so hard. 

It’s a Terrible Life

 I’m extremely uncomfortable with ABA therapy. It has not even been two weeks, and my life has turned into 40 hours of awkward. I can’t even pinpoint what it is, exactly. No one in society treats children this way, even profoundly autistic children. I’m not saying it’s abusive, but it is alien. I watch the kids go through the therapy, and it doesn’t even seem like they’re learning anything.  I read the reviews online and they’re like, “My child has made such progress in the year/two years/etc that he’s been here” but all kids make progress in that amount of time. 

I am in a situation where my husband is/was extremely proud of me for doing this, but I am totally miserable. He’s out of town for work right now and I honestly wish I was there with him, still working that job. 

When I was very young, I said my career goal was to help children. I have mostly done great with that. But every other scenario in which I have worked with children (and also elderly and disabled adults) has been a completely different world than this. If I try to give examples, it won’t be “enough” of an example. 

I don’t know if it’s that I’m too old to try new things or that this truly weird. Maybe it’s a combination of both. I did get to talk to the new therapist again about how I may be interpreting people wrong. I told her about my inventory coworker, about some of my impressions of ABA therapy, and she said, “Actually it sounds like you interpret things quite well.”  

That’s also weird because I feel like I am “supposed” to see myself as the one in the wrong and that I’m supposed to go to therapy to fix that. So that’s also weird that she thinks my interpretation abilities are ok. 

It feels like the calling on my life has been lifted. 

Bedbound Sunday

This was the first thing ChatGPT came up with when I asked it to make a caricature of me. The main problem with it is that I’m wearing the inventory calculator around my waist, and I do not work at the inventory service anymore. Also, my hair is growing rapidly, and it’s longer than that now. So I told ChatGPT that I no longer work at the inventory company and that I’m working with children with autism. My hair is longer, and don’t forget my sewing and my cats. 

Speaking of inventory, Kevin went Corpus Christi this morning for work and will be there until Friday. They hired a young man to replace me who worked most of last week, but this young man didn’t show up to go to Corpus. 

I stayed in bed most of the day. I had my first appointment with the new therapist, and it went ok. I just gave her a brief rundown of my past. 

I did one errand, for toilet paper and a prescription. It was a lazy day. I watched a couple of shows. I’m watching Versailles, which is a drama about King Louis XIV. There’s not much to report here. New job is going well. I just have to get out of the headspace of working in a daycare, because it’s not daycare. 
 

Caricature Trend

“Ask ChatGPT to make a caricature of you with everything it knows about you.”

 

Driver’s License Drama

 Kevin’s license is expiring, so he went to the DMV. I know that Texas recently started requiring birth certificates for license renewals, but Kevin didn’t believe me. It’s new, I explained. Still, he didn’t believe it until he actually went. He doesn’t know where his is, and has to order it from the state of Massachusetts where he was born. But, he doesn’t know the name of his biological father, nor does he know what his last name was at birth. His mother married his first stepfather when he was about two, and that’s who’s last name he and I have. His current stepfather is his mother’s third husband. I actually wasn’t even sure if his mother and biological father were married, so I asked what the name was on his birth certificate. Was it his mom’s maiden name?  The only thing he told me he ever knew about his biological father was that he was Italian. 

With needing to order his birth certificate, he had to ask his mom. He just never cared before, even though she’s always offered the information to him. She told him the first, middle, and last name of his biological father and asked if he wanted to know why they got divorced. He didn’t, but he told me the name and I burst out laughing, because it’s the most ridiculously Italian name you’ve ever heard. Then I googled him, only to find an obituary from 2003. I clicked on it, and him and Kevin were frickin twins!  It was kind of hilarious how much they looked alike, actually. I showed Kevin, and Kevin laughed at the resemblance. Kevin then started sharing a lot of memories of his first stepfather, whose last name he ended up with. It’s clear that that’s the one who earned the title of dad. 

Then he told me, thank goodness his mom is still alive because he would have needed to know this information in order to renew his driver’s license.