My Great Idea

Last night I asked ChatGPT to give me a complete daily workout routine. I want to work out DAILY.  I have always felt like if I skip a day, I will never exercise again. I told the bot this and it gave me this routine. I did the Friday routine when I got home from work this morning. It’s only a teeny bit challenging. I am starting to think it’s a good idea to ask ChatGPT things, because a person will beat around the bush and/or judge. Some sort of coach/counselor person would have had to spend hours and fucking days with me before giving me this list. 

 

Shelves!!!

 I found a bookcase by the dumpster yesterday. The shell of the bookcase was broken, but these shelves were fine. I took them in order to build a bookshelf out of cans. I get large cans of foods I would love to have in an emergency and balance old shelves on them. Then I can use the new shelving unit for other things. I got the idea from Mormon preppers. I’ve done this for 15 years 

Risky Behavior

I still occasionally look on psychology today for therapists, but I no longer message them. I call them and speak to them if they answer or if they call back. I do not leave voicemails. If I can get them on the phone, I tell them that I’m looking for a therapist and immediately give the disclaimer that I married my supervisor a year and a half ago(sometimes I say boss)-

And that’s not why I need therapy- it’s just a fact about me that other therapists have taken issue with. What I need therapy for, I explain compactly, is a complex childhood followed by going onto work with children and vulnerable adults and that I feel like I’ve absorbed all the trauma of the people I’ve cared for. 

It’s all the truth. 

Regarding my marriage, I spoke to a therapist on the phone today. She had a very sweet bubbly voice and said that she is a harm reduction therapist. This means that she’s not going to be against anything that you feel doesn’t harm you. She might express “curiosity”, but will not “tell you what to do”.

 Ugh. When I say I went on to work with children and vulnerable adults, they should know that I know what a lot of things are. Harm reduction is largely used for drug addicts on the street. I followed a young woman who did it in skid row in Los Angeles. Here’s the Google definition of harm reduction:

This lady was equating me marrying Kevin to a risky behavior. And instead of demanding immediate abstinence, she was going to meet me where I was in order to keep me alive. Wow!  Thanks I guess!  Maybe I’ll go live on skid row!  I’m so risky. 

Another woman I talked to about five days ago claimed that she worked with throuples and polycules.  If you don’t know what that means, it’s more than two people in one romantic relationship. A throuple is three people all in love with each other. A polycule is four or more. You would need a therapist to prevent jealousy. I guess, I mean I don’t know because I’ve never done that. But the throuple/polycule affirming therapist also said that my marriage and how we met was a “concern” 

lol!  But it would be better if we met another way and had a sister wife and a brother husband!!!  

I honestly don’t know why I keep doing this. Maybe a part of me still hopes that one will honest to god truly meet me where I am and listen to my stories. And help me deal through them. For now though, the chartreuse notebooks had to do. I did get Anna today, but more on that later. She’s doing great! 

 

 

Mid- Week Musings

 The main project this week is organizing my crafty supplies. I have been trimming the pen marks off of all of my 6 inch squares and organizing them super neatly into that shelving unit in my massive closet. I’m listening to Hannah Alonzo and Derrick Levasseur on YouTube while I do it. I’ll take a picture of the total organization once I’m done. I took all of the warm colored squares to work last night (red, orange, pink, maroon, yellow). The M-F 4-midnight coworker stayed over a little bit and conversed with me while I did them. She didn’t leave until about 12:45. She said, “My aunt used to make beautiful Afghanistans.”  

Also on the to do list this week is to fix the tension on my sewing machine. 

I’m seeing Anna tomorrow. She also wants to switch cats. She said she didn’t ask for Alex, she asked for Jordan. I was a little concerned about her caring for Alex in his advanced age anyway. I discussed it with Kevin, and Kevin was all for it. Next week on payday, I'm going to pay her pet deposit and maybe bring him there a couple days later. Or the same day who knows. JJ is a very cute boy, but he is an asshole. Plus, my daughter really wanted to bring one of her dad and stepmoms pets-they said no. 

Trimming the pen marks off of my squares is the physical activity that I need to channel the ball of anxiety out. Like I said, when I worked with my husband, doing inventory in the stores had the same effect. There’s something about a constant repetitive task involving hands and upper body that does it. Cutting the squares out also does it. And sewing, as long as the machine works and the tension is right. 

Mid August Weekend Tidbits

My 19 year old daughter Anna moved in this weekend to a townhouse with five other girls!!! It’s off campus housing at Texas State University. I’m so happy and proud of her. Her father and stepmother moved her in, and I’m heading down there this week. Now that I live in Austin, I’m only 35 minutes from TXST and my baby!! 

Kevin bought our apartment a new table and chairs!!  I love it. I didn’t go with him to pick it out, because I didn’t want anything to do with assembly. Yes I made that wreath on the wall. 

I cut the pen marks off of more blue denim squares this evening at work, and I threw the scraps into an empty water bottle. 

In other news. My coworker showed up this morning to relieve me. She asked me again if I do the hourly bed checks that our company requires. I told her. Yes I do!!  She then started bitching again about how she doesn’t do them. She sleeps all night on the clock. She was trying to convince me to also sleep on the clock. I work four nights a week, and she works three. She also works the day shift on the weekends. The other two ladies who are staff work M-F 8-4 and M-F 4- midnight. 

Kevin said maybe she actually does do them and is trying to get me to not do them so I can get fired. That’s a possibility. People do set coworkers up to fail like that. However, the other coworker told me that she was disappointed they got a new person (me), but is also happy because she likes me.  Aww. I’m glad she likes me. I don’t think she actually does the hourly bed checks and is trying to set me up, but he pointed that out because it does happen. 

 

Organizing quilt squares ⏹️🔲⬜️⬛️

 I’ve been sitting on my closet floor trimming the pen marks off of the 6 inch squares for my quilts. Any unevenness this causes doesn’t matter and can be worked through when I do the clipping to create the chenille effect. 

I love being hyper focused on these quilts. Being hyper focused on an activity like this that requires constant doing really calms my mind. When I worked with my husband on the inventory crew, inventory did the same effect. 

I love this shelving unit in our enormous closet. It’s perfect for my quilts and squares. Notice how the ones I trimmed pen marks off of look super neat while the ones I haven’t gotten to yet are a mess. 

I Was Right

 When I got a comment a couple days ago suggesting that the bad luck I’ve had seeking therapy is probably because they told me “an inconvenient truth” that I didn’t like, I suspected they meant the fact that I married my supervisor. I was correct. They told me yesterday that that was a “concern”. 

So basically, if I try to go to therapy to process trauma that I went through as a child and in my 20’s and 30’s, I won’t get anywhere until they persuade me that marrying my old boss in my 40’s was a no-no. And there’s an age gap but I guess at my age, they’re ok now.  The problem was where and how we met.  That’s a huge juxtaposition, because doing that job at the time and meeting him were all so good for me. There were two bosses above him- and BOTH of their spouses also work there. 

It tears me apart, because if processing trauma needs to be done, and I can’t do that unless I sit there and get asked and asked and asked about marrying n my boss until I realize it was “wrong” then what will the end result be?  Will I have to leave Kevin? Would that be the goal?  There’s no way I can heal from past traumas that happened before I met him if doing so means leaving him. There’s absolutely no way. Going through that would be awful, and I can’t believe this is happening- but at least I know where a bulk of the problem lies between me and “therapists”.  

When I was a teenager, they ostracized me for having parents that stayed married. “Yes your dad may punch holes in the walls, but at least he’s in the home.” 🙄   That was something beyond my control, but marrying Kevin actually was in my control. 

Kevin and I were married by Judge Kranak on March 19, 2025. The judge asked us how we met, and we told him. The judge just said “oh ok!”  And proceeded with the marriage vows. He did not say “oh wait that’s illegal” and send us home. And he’s a judge and that was a courtroom. 

The way this commenter said it bothered me too. “They just told you an inconvenient truth, and you didn’t like it” makes me sound like some bitch that doesn’t “do the work” (“not doing the work” is and insult people use against people who do not go to therapy, and it’s so insulting and awful). And yeah, I didn’t like it!  Don’t tell me that one of the best things that happened to me in the last couple years was a “concern”. I’m not concerned, he’s not concerned, and neither is anyone in his company. Not their spouses that also work there. There’s no concern. 

The thing is, that once you start offensively defending your marriage, it looks like you’re hiding abuse. But I wasn’t aware, or even cared, about therapists’ disdain for marrying bosses until it came up while in a consultation and a brief timeline of events in my life. There was one I couldn’t see because of it. Now because of that, I have to ask other therapists “Do you mind that I married someone who I met while he was my superior at work?” The fact that I have to ask makes it look like I’m hiding a red flag in my own relationship, when in reality it’s because another therapist had way more of a problem with it than she should have. And literally all of the ones I brought it up with in “free 15 minutes sessions” took issue. 

It’s hard, and it’s harder when you come across people who insist on therapy being the only way to heal. But I need to accept that I have to work at myself on my own. There are many things that I can do, and therapists can’t really come up with anything n that I can’t think of myself. Am I going to “die” because I’m someone they can’t/won’t help? Am I going to “die” because I did a major life choice they don’t agree with?  I doubt it, but if so, then so be it. I have had the most joy I can have at this point at age 48. I have the most wonderful daughter and husband. I’m happy and I do not have any regrets when it comes to Anna and Kevin. I have done well, and naysayers aside, I’m going to do even better. I’ve done so much so unconditionally. I can do it again.