Choices

 A while back, I posted on here that all of the years I spent working with children and the elderly were essentially the result of a gaggle of people around me when I was younger who were mad that I wanted to be a mom. “Why bring a child into the world?” They all demanded. “Why not do something meaningful for a child who already exists?!?!”  I didn’t realize it at the time, but they essentially didn’t care about people already existing, they just wanted to be mad at me. At the time, I said “ok!” And dove in, didn’t look back, leaned in, got my hands dirty, and developed a ton of vicarious trauma. I am not saying that to complain, though, I think it’s all been mostly good. I feel like I had fun, learned extremely valuable lessons, and made a difference. I do not regret it for the most part. Some, if not most of it, I would do again. 

Vicarious trauma absolutely sucks, though. My last therapist, who dumped me based on “scheduling” diagnosed me with chronic PTSD (complex PTSD isn’t in the DSM-5, so if you see someone saying they were diagnosed with it, it’s not entirely true). In the USA, the diagnoses for insurance companies have to align with the DSM-5. Complex-PTSD is however, in the ICD-11.  When the DSM-6 publishes, and they change their minds about this stuff again, then you will see more people with actual diagnoses of complex-PTSD

More than two decades ago, I worked for about 3 years doing the inventory service that I recently worked at for another three years (which is where I met my husband).  At the time, I liked it a lot, and I thought it was easy money. But as a young person at the time, I was absolutely not allowed to say that I was content doing that. I had older people all the time, literally in my face with their finger, telling me that I BETTER go back to school and do something else. It’s ironic that I went back to that job so many years later in order to clean up the mess that listening to that advice caused, but that’s a post for another day. I also did the side jobs on the apps, which were mostly display compliance and mystery shops. I went all over nine states with that endeavor and made a killing during the pandemic. You can’t make a killing with it anymore (I guess unless another pandemic happens).  That REALLY helped me recover from college. 

One thing the apps introduced me to is merchandising using planograms. Talking about these apps with others online led me to discover that there are several companies who hire people to do this full time. 

About a week ago, I had that epiphany- the one where I realized that all of the helping jobs I’ve ever had didn’t really come from an innate “calling”, and that it was just from people being mad at me for wanting to have kids someday. Even though I do not have a lot of regrets directly, I do kind of feel like all of my trauma symptoms didn’t have to happen. The more I write about working with children and the elderly, the more I realize that I have DEALT WITH A TON. And for extremely low pay. I think it’s fair to ask why me?  

I started to think, what if I just spent the rest of my days doing advocacy through writing and working as a full time merchandiser?  

The merchandiser app has been sending me a lot of route offers lately with good travel bonuses and “just because” bonuses. I always cringe when I hit no thanks. I could really just dive into that and do better not just financially but with my mental health. The thing is, I feel like I do not have a choice. Technically I do. There is a lot of pressure to not want to “do retail the rest of your life”. The people that say that sure do like to shop though. I know “according to the law” it’s my choice. But just because you aren’t trying to make something illegal for someone to choose doesn’t mean that person isn’t phased by pressure and expectations. 

As far as today, I have to work with this lovely woman whose care plan makes her out to be an absolute tool. I’m actually curious what she’s like. Luckily, the shift is only four hours. I’m going to text gift card boss after work to tell her how it went. I can tell gift card boss is uptight about this client. I’m fundamentally exhausted.