I want to type this post out in order to clarify why I never ever want to attempt to go to therapy again. I have concluded that while it does help many people with many things, it’s not for me.
When I was a high school senior, three of my teachers staged an intervention and made my mom take me for counseling, because I was very depressed. She was absolutely livid and demanded to know “what I was telling my teachers.” She took me somewhere for a free consultation and all I remember is that she was mad for days when they told her I was suffering from depression. Later on, she made me go to a therapist (I was still under 18), and the therapist that she chose basically told me that I had no reason to be depressed. She reminded me that I had both parents still in the home, my parents met all of my financial needs, even took me on summer vacations. She reminded me that some kids had divorced parents and didn’t have their dad in the home.
Fast forward to the start of my panic attacks. I went to a psychiatrist who diagnosed me as bipolar the first time I saw her. Then I tried to get therapy, was refused by someone who said they didn’t treat someone with bipolar, and went to someone who “specialized in” bipolar. By the end of my second session with her, she told me I wasn’t bipolar. And stopped seeing me. I told the original doctor, who then just changed what was written to anxiety and depression.
Then in early 2025, I figured that I should probably get into therapy to sort of “maintain things” while things were going well. Only now days, you couldn’t just make an appointment and go. Now you have to “schedule a free 15 minute session” to “see if you’re a good fit.” These 15 minute free sessions are absolute nightmares. There’s nothing worse than feeling like you’re on a job interview when looking for a therapist.
I had one, and gave her the disclaimer that I didn’t grow up in a broken home. She assured me that was perfectly fine! And that I still deserve therapy! Then I started telling her a little bit about myself and that I regretted going back to school. She then said she didn’t “specialize” in people who regret their education, and her tone of voice changed. She wouldn’t see me because of that.
It affected me a lot to be rejected like that. With the next free 15 minute session, I now had to give two disclaimers. I didn’t grow up in a broken home, and I also regret college. I also had to now give the disclaimer that regretting my own education didn’t mean that I was anti intellectual or anti college. I clarified that I fully realize that college is necessary for some people, it just wasn’t the right choice for me at the time. She said that I still deserved therapy even though I didn’t have a broken home, and that my college regret was also perfectly ok with her! Then she asked what medication I took. I told her I took gabapentin for anxiety and she said “WOWWW!” She obviously had a huge problem with that. I explained that SSRI and SNRI medications didn’t work for me and this does. She started talking about how SSRI’s work for so many other people. I felt totally judged and didn’t want to proceed.
It took several days again before I was ok with another free 15 minute session with another one. This time, I gave the disclaimer that I grew up with married parents, I regretted my college degree, and I take gabapentin for anxiety. I gave the disclaimers that I am not against college for other people, nor am I against SSRI’s for other people. These two things about me were just personal. She gave me this same pseudo-assurance that the others gave me and said it didn’t matter! I still deserved therapy! Then she proceeded to ask me who I live with. I told her about my husband, and somehow it got out that I met him at work. He had been my supervisor in 2023. And how at the time of that free 15 minute session (2025), I was still employed there. She said immediately that that could be a problem. Like he had some sort of power thing over me. I started freaking out that she would somehow make me leave my husband. I definitely didn’t tell her about our age gap.
By now, I seemed to have a laundry list of disclaimers I had to give to potential therapists. I didn’t grow up in a broken home, I regretted my college degree, I take gabapentin and not an antidepressant, and I married my supervisor. Giving all of these disclaimers would now take almost the whole 15 minutes. However somehow I did still manage to find someone who agreed to see me, and she was my therapist for several months.
I really just spent several sessions just talking and talking with her. She asked questions here and there, and eventually diagnosed me with PTSD. Then at the end of December, I remember telling her that my mom always claimed to have postpartum depression for 15 years. She told me that PPD generally doesn’t last 15 years, and that it was likely just regular depression. But something shifted in her interpretation of my childhood. Before I told her about the 15 year long PPD claim, she was affirming of me and- now it was likely she was saying my mom had a reason for everything she did to me. After that, I was changing jobs in the beginning of 2026, and she claimed to have scheduling issues. She referred me to someone else, but didn’t tell the new person any of my history. So if I was going to start over with a new therapist I had to start completely over with my story, and that was exhausting.
I finally took a long enough break to where I felt like I had enough strength to go through my whole entire story again. So I did. I gave all the disclaimers in the free 15 minute session and asked at the end of it, “Is there anything I told you that would make you not want to see me?” Because ALL of the things about me that therapists took issue with had nothing to do with each other. That meant that there might be something else somewhere in my story that would make a therapist either freak out or reject me completely. Since all of the other things were so unrelated, I couldn’t predict what that would be in order to leave it out. I just had to open completely up to these people and wait.
Then my first session started, and I condensed my life story into the one hour session. At one point, she stopped me and asked me if I was sure something happened the way I was describing, or did it actually happen another way? I was caught off guard and the anxiety began. We set up our next app for what would have been today at 4:00 pm. She told me all about EMDR, and I was grossly and extremely uncomfortable with it. I watched a video of it in session, and absolutely hated what I saw. It looked like a magic trick and mind control at the same time. I knew I couldn’t tell her my concerns because then she would be like “actually it’s not those things” and then I’d have no recourse. I emailed her to cancel and uncancel and she called me to reiterate that we didn’t have to do EMDR if I wasn’t comfortable with it. I told her what it looked like to me, and of course she tried to say “actually it’s not” but then pinned it on me saying “It’s not going to work on you if you are this uncomfortable with it.”
The truth is, I am uncomfortable with therapy at all at this point. I was falling apart because she didn’t believe my story, and I was expected to go in front of her and let her do some hypnosis crazy crap that was extremely uncomfortable with. Even if we didn’t do EMDR, she still didn’t believe me. I spent the next few days in absolute panic attack hell, not wanting to go back at all, and feeling like I have to.
Finally, I got to a point where I knew I couldn’t continue this circus anymore and emailed her that I needed to cancel for good. I called her out for not believing me, and she responded “Actually I was just trying to gather information.”
Which, no she wasn’t. She literally asked, “Are you sure it was X and not YZ?” I took her consideration and thought back to when the memory happened. It definitely wasn’t what she said it must have been, for several reasons.
I am the one who was there. It was my lived experience and not hers. I felt immediate relief upon canceling that appointment, and have decided not to seek out any more therapists. They just won’t help me. It’s too stressful to “interview them”, because there’s no way I can get out all the disclaimers in such a short time. And I have no reason to believe them if they pull the “You still deserve it” crap. And how on earth am I supposed to feel comfortable opening up to people when I’m not going to be believed? I know most people would say “Just find another therapist who will believe you.” No. Do you mean find one who will pretend to believe me because they’re getting paid? I don’t think so.
I also wonder if this means I even “really have PTSD”. If things didn’t happen the way I remember them, then that negates the whole thing. Oh well. It would not be the first time I was undiagnosed with something. If only this really was “just like going to the doctor for a broken bone”. Then they’d know exactly what was wrong, exactly what to do, and there would be evidence of whatever happened.
There is so much obsession out there with therapy that not everyone believes it’s valid to just quit going. The answer always has to be “find another one.” As time consuming and exhausting as that process is, I can put all of that energy into literally anything else and benefit. It isn’t for me and never will be.
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