Happy 80th Birthday 🎂

 I don’t have a recent picture, but I have this throwback of me and my mom at my own high school graduation in 1996. 

Today my mom turned the big 80!  We had to work, but it only took two hours. We have been pretty busy lately, and will be busy next week. So I’ll take a two hour work day on my mom’s birthday. When we got done, we went to Kroger by her house and got flowers and cake. I didn’t get a whole cake, because it was just the three of us and we’re all trying to avoid junk food. I just got a big slice from the bakery that could easily be cut into thirds. I texted my mom from the store asking if she still had candles in the drawer. She said yes. But when we got there, she didn’t assume I meant birthday candles and only said yes because she had the extra long dining room ones. So that’s what I stuck in the cake. She didn’t care. 

I’m glad her birthday is over. I was dreading it. I have this weird anxiety when I am around her and my husband. I’m afraid she’ll insult me to my face in front of him, because that would bring a pang of humiliation. But at the same time, I sometimes want her to, just so he can witness it for himself. It’s a catch 22. 

We then went grocery shopping. Actually he got a haircut while I did the shopping in the same plaza. Now we are home and I put spaghetti with vodka sauce, mushrooms and red onions in the crockpot with veggie broth to top off and boil with. I’m allowing myself to have spaghetti dinner once a week now. I’m back to being kind of strict on that diet, but I’m honestly sick of fish. It’s ok, there’s definitely other things than fish. I’d rather make the pasta day on a day that I also had cake so I can’t cheat any other time. I can feel more weight dropping, but not getting in the scale until at least after my daughter’s birthday. I’m also doing arm reps in the mornings. I have zero upper body strength. 11 years of panic attacks really ruined me. 

Sewing Thoughts

First of all, unrelated, I picked this massive squash from the garden. All others so far have been about half this size. When I diced it, I saw that it was light colored and spongy. Idk if that means it’s not good or what? 

 Secondly, I gave my coworker back her grandson’s swim trunks that I took in half an inch on each side. 

About that, I just want to say this: There was a time in my life where I was semi obsessed with learning to sew, but it was short lived and I was a young adult. I remember thinking out loud that maybe I could either have my own business or side business doing this for people. And just like with every other idea I had at the time for myself, it was shot down. I was told that customers would complain about my sewing skills, things I made or altered would tear and not fit people properly. Etc, etc. This was just one of many things I was taught as a young person that turned out not to be true- that I’m this horrendously incapable person. No one would want me to touch their items, they’d sue me if it came out wrong and I’d lose in court every time. When I look back on some of the stuff I was told as a young person, I not only scoff at how ridiculous and extreme it is, but I can’t imagine ever telling my daughter the same things. I think with her, if she truly wanted to do something she wasn’t good at, there would be guidance and training and practice. I also don’t think I was ever that bad at sewing for people to say those things. I now know that they wanted to bring me down. 

It’s just funny that I ended up in a life situation that proves them all wrong about so many things. And one of the things that ended up happening is that I be asked to alter some clothing because I know how to. It’s not that wild, but to me it is. I didn’t charge her, but I am going to look into how exactly to charge people in the future for things like that. She agreed to tell me if anything went wrong with the swim shorts such as tearing, etc, but she said it with a semi eye roll as if to say “nothing is going to happen.”  

Graduation + Alterations

So I only got choked up a little bit!  Anna did great, I’m so proud of her. It was held at NRG Stadium, which is right next to the astrodome. I was exhausted afterwards. 

I must say, I would not want to stand up in front of thousands of people and recite 600-700 full names of people. I’d be afraid to mispronounce. 

I thought back to the “2007 expecting clubs” on the old IVillage message boards. Does anyone here remember IVillage?  There were “expecting clubs” for every month. I used to lurk the ones for May and July due dates too, but not post in them. I remembered when everyone announced the names of their babies on there and wondered how many of the graduates I was seeing walking across the stage had moms who posted in those expecting clubs. 

On another note, my coworker bought Minecraft swim shorts for her grandson and asked me to take them in about a half an inch on each side for her. She said she’d “pay me”, but I’m not going to let her. I honestly had a lot of anxiety about this. I make whole ass quilts, but doing an alteration that’s super simple for someone else made me think I would do something wrong. It honestly took no more than five minutes. Yes I pinned the waistband too. I did reinforcement stitches on each side as well. It’s not stretchy fabric, so a zigzag stitch wasn’t necessary. Even the lining was not stretchy. What do you think, did I do ok? 

 

Graduation Dinner

Speaking of the second to the last episode ever of The Handmaid’s Tale in my last post, here is the main character surviving getting hung. I’ve rewatched it several times now. It does remind me of The Crucible, but with air strikes. “Don’t let the bastards grind you down” was a famous line from the original book and season one. I love that the actress stares right into the camera when she says it. 

On another note, today Kevin and I went out with my daughter and my mom so my daughter could receive her graduation gifts from my mom. Even though she’s been out of classes for about a week and a half, the actual ceremony is tomorrow. I’m taking the day off and going by myself. Kevin has to work, and my mom doesn’t want to walk around at the stadium where it’s being held. 

I’m actually glad I’m going alone, because I feel like I’m going to sob. I’m definitely going to try and do it quietly. I have had three relatives who’ve all said that as soon as they saw their youngest or only child “walk across the stage”, they felt “ready to die.”  I thought to myself- I hope I don’t feel that way. Of those three relatives, only one was, actually, dying. The other two now that I look back on it, were just being a drama king and a drama queen. I’ve seen a lot of older people use their impending deaths to guilt and manipulate people. That’s probably what my two non-dying at the time relatives were doing. 

As for me, I’m just getting started. 

That’s my mom and daughter walking out of the restaurant. They look like twins not only from the front, but apparently they look like twins from the back too.  Almost the same hair. 

The waiter saw her opening gifts and automatically brought out the birthday strawberry. I guess they ran out of cake. 

When I graduated from high school 29 years ago, I remember the very next day just instantly feeling like life in the “real world” was so extremely different than what I’d been taught it was like when I went to school. Ever since then, I’ve unlearned and relearned a million and one things. 

Stuff I was so sure would happen never happened. Consequently, things I never thought would happen did. Like having her. Among countless other things. I was taught a lot of wrong things that I had to work very hard at to get right. In a way, it’s almost a good thing that I don't even feel close to feeling like I’m done relearning, because if I did, I might be actually trying to live vicariously through her. I just want her to pursue her own path and be there if she needs to figure it out all over again a few more times. 
 

Handmaid’s Tale Spoiler Meme

I’m so glad there’s only one more episode ever of The Handmaid’s Tale, because I hate that I’ve been so addicted to that show for 8 years. I also want to cancel my HULU subscription, just like I do every time a season ends. 

Warning spoiler ahead:

The main character June Osborne was in love with a commander Nick Blaine.  The older guy here is supposed to be Commander Lawrence, who supposedly “designed Gilead” but regrets it now. June was supposed to drive him to a plane that all remaining high commanders were going to board.  Lawrence was then going to plant a bomb on board and get off before the other commanders arrived. Then June was going to be his getaway driver. Except, the other commanders also arrived early and Lawrence didn’t want to blow his cover, so he decided to board the plane anyway with the bomb, and just kill himself. Then another car pulls up, and Nick gets out. June is devastated, because she’s realizing that she’s killing the man she loves, and the father of her second child. But speaking up would not only get her killed in that moment, but also ruin mayday and the rebellion. So the last scene is her standing out on the runway, watching the plane take off, and then explode. She grieves Nick and Lawrence and that’s the end till the finale next week.

This meme is hilarious!  It’s a depiction of that scene with Nick and Lawrence surviving 🤣 

I can’t. 😂 

 

Three Weeks

Now that it’s almost Wednesday, it’s literally 3 weeks now until my daughter turns 18.  She was born on her due date, which I heard was only 5% of babies. I remember looking forward to May 21 because that would make me the magical “37 weeks”. With a singleton baby, being born any time after 37 weeks is full term, with their due date being at 40 weeks. I was so scared to have a preemie!  I remember reaching that day and watching the top story at the time, which was the disappearance of Madeline McCann. I thought to myself- yeah I’m never leaving her alone while I go out partying. Dumb parents. Do I think the German guy did it?  I don’t know. I think they need to just come out and say what proof they have. They had a flash drive that was his damning evidence. They never said if Madeline was on the flash drive, though. 

This is what her entire day looked like on Sunday. She wanted to spent the day at my mom’s but crapped out on the couch literally all day. She looked through uber eats and put her selections in the cart, and I ordered once

I got home. By the time the food arrived, she was fast asleep. It went in the fridge. School is out and she only works weekends, so she must be up all night gaming. I really don’t care. She has earned it. 

Evidence for my Point

A couple of days ago, I posted about three strikes I have against me when it comes to finding a therapist who hat will help me through panic attacks.  1. I regret my college degree, 2. My parents stayed married and 3. I endured every type of abuse except sexual abuse growing up. 

Then I decided to try something. I typed up this message making it perfectly clear that I was trying to find a therapist to help me with the panic attacks I started getting when I got my college degree. I wanted to make it perfectly clear that that was my goal for therapy, and therefore weed out individuals who would just argue and not help. I don’t have time, money, or energy to interview people and ask if they have a problem with the fact that that’s how I feel. I pasted this greeting to more than 20 therapists near my zip code. 

So far no one has responded except for this lady, Jessica from a facility called S.T.A.R.S. 

Once she responded, I realize what the acronym was for. “Survivors Triumphing Against Rape and Sexual Assault.”  Oops!!
 

So I responded with this email- I didn’t realize what the acronym stood for and the reason why I added that I’ve been through every other type of abuse except sexual was just in case she was ok with that.  

This was her response. Scroll down for my reaction. I did not respond to her, but I will share my thoughts here. 

“While trauma survivors are the targeted population, I do accept and have ample experience with all mental wellness concerns.”  Read that again. Something that isn’t rape isn’t considered “trauma” to her. It’s just a “mental wellness concern”. If she has a masters degree, she should know that a LOT of things cause trauma, INCLUDING rape or sexual assault, but it’s not the only thing. This is just evidence of what I was saying before. I can tell her about some of the physical and emotional abuse I endured from my mom, for example, but to her it’s not traumatic enough. I do not believe that wording was unintentional. It seems very intentional. And “be blessed” screams, I’m filled with Christ's love!

It’s better to just not respond to her. And yes I know I’m usually good about keeping someone’s identity private, but it wasn’t necessary here. I’m not lying about what she said to me. The proof is in the screenshots. The fact that she was “still willing to see me anyway” is probably just because business is slow. And that’s all therapy is at the end of the day. A business. 

I’m not exposing this to say that people who are more “allowed” to get therapy are “luckier”. They are, but they aren’t. They are because perhaps it does help them. They aren’t because of all the time and money that have to spend on it. We all suffer from the human condition bo matter what we’ve been through in our lives. A psychotherapist should at least understand that.