Anxiety Reflections

 I’m going to say this: The anxiety regarding being the mother of an adult is so real. I’m so worried that something will happen to my daughter. Nothing will, I’m just overreacting with intrusive thoughts. It’s partly because I’ve been following the Idaho student murders too much, and because this Saturday will be the 9 year anniversary of the car accident death of my cousin at age 23. He would have been 32 now. That really shook my family.

If her dad and stepmom knew I had anxiety that literally all mothers have, they’d probably pathologize it and reprimand me for it. When she was a baby, I worked weekends and he was home with her. I’d call on my breaks to check on her, and he and his mother thought I didn’t trust him to take care of her. I had to explain so many times , I do trust him… just want to know how my kid is. My ex mother in law even brought Jesus Christ into it and said if I trusted Jesus more, then I wouldn’t be concerned about my baby. Of course, this was when we were still married and her stepmom wasn’t in the picture yet. But I know better than to express my very normal fears. It wouldn’t be acceptable for me to share that I worry about my child, but literally every mother on earth is not only allowed to express it, but it seems like they’re coddled for it. 

I definitely work constantly on not allowing my anxiety prevent her from living her life and enjoying the last summer before college. She doesn’t want me to be worried about her, and I get it. I never wanted my mother to be worried about me either. I just understand now how hard it is to cut the strings. 

I had the surprise of my life today. I got a text message out of the blue from the Walmart pharmacy stating that gabapentin was ready for pick up. “What” I thought to myself… I thought I was out of refills forever. I made sure to go right before they closed so it would be all tired young people who won’t judge me for taking it. I’ve really been great at not taking it that much. I took seven pills with me to Louisiana and took one the first day and two the last day. The refill at Walmart was for 90 pills. I took two and added the rest to my stash. Looks like maybe they called the doctor who last prescribed it. This doctor is listed as my pcp. He’s in charge of several clinics, and I’ve never seen him. I only saw a nurse practitioner who bitched me out for being on gabapentin. Perhaps the pharmacy called them and the actual doctor who’s in charge approved the refill by only looking at my chart. I have no idea, but 88 gabapentins just got added to my stash. Dare I take the allowed dose of 3 per day?  At least for a little while? It might make me stop fretting about my daughter. 

“Thigh Bongos” 🪘

 My mother and I have always been big fans of any type of ethnic dance from anywhere in the world. Occasionally, I’ll send her YouTube links to ethnic dance performances just to lift her spirits. Tonight, I sent her this. If you don’t open the link, what it is is a Hawaiian Mele with chanting, and the whole thing is done seated on the ground. All the ladies walk on stage and begin by strapping small drums to their thighs. Hitting the drums on their thighs becomes part of the choreography. 

My mother responded, “That was sweet!  Thanks!  Now I want to go out and get myself some thigh bongos!” 

I burst out laughing. Kevin did too. Then he watched that number with me. I love when YouTube suggests videos from the Merri Monarch festival. 

Cheddar Bay Biscuit Mix

Update edit with better baked batch. Must have gotten butter on my lens. 

 

The store chain in Louisiana that we take inventory at every three months has an amazing selection. Especially of baking mixes. They have baking mixes for everything. One of these days, I’m going to go out there and just start baking random stuff. It will have to be when it’s cooler outside though, because no one likes to run the oven in July in Texas. 

But Kevin and I wanted to pick up a few things on the way out of the last store in Mauriceville, so I decided one baking mix was ok. I got the red lobster cheddar bay biscuit mix. It required cheese and butter, and we didn’t want to drive all the way home from there with cold items. I bought the mix anyway. Then Kevin announced on the way home that he wanted to stop at our local grocery store for beer, and that we could get cheddar and butter there. Then when we got home, he started hinting that he wanted me to make the biscuits today. So here they are. The first batch is a little underbaked but still good. The second batch is in now, will bake longer. They’re amazing. 

Finally Going Home 🏠

 On the way home from Louisiana. Although last night, we moved hotels and stayed in Orange, Texas. This is because the last store was in a nearby town called Mauriceville. Orange and Mauriceville are right on the state line with Louisiana. I was absolutely exhausted and starving by the time we got back to the motel. For this reason, we decided to order food on Uber Eats. I entered the motel we stayed in and the room number. When you order on uber eats, and someone picks up your order, you see a picture of that person. The woman picking up our food had all the facial features of someone who’s done meth. If you’ve ever seen the shocking “before and after” pictures of meth users, you know what I’m talking about. Orange, Texas is kind of known for this. I shrugged it off and thought well maybe she’s trying to put her life back together. Then she marked it as delivered, and there was no food. I was so pissed. I should have known the tweaker would steal my food. Uber eats only gives you the option to call the driver so I did. She sounded strung out and said “Well I left it by the door of room 218.” I told her, “Well it’s not here.”  There was nothing to be done. I didn’t get too angry with her on the phone, because people who do meth can be violent, and now she knew where I was staying. So I submitted all kinds of complaints on the app and eventually got all the money back including the tip. But then Kevin and I had to get dressed again and frickin go back out for food, and we were exhausted. 😩 

Kevin said, “Let’s not order delivery anymore.”  

I responded, “Well let’s do it once more because now I have a credit.”  

1 and a half more days

 Today is the last day of the trip to Louisiana where we have to do two grocery stores in one day. Tomorrow, we only do one store and then drive home. We have Tuesday off and then small local stuff the rest of the week. I’ve been suffering from achy muscles the whole trip, but I believe that the more I do physically, the better that will get over time. When my mother was my age, she had a desk job and weighed about 60 pounds more than I do now.  If I start to get tired and miserable, I just remember that.  

Kevin and I went to a local Walmart Supercenter yesterday evening and got me two pairs of black pants in the next size down. He also got a new pair of work pants, and we got frozen meals for the room. The new pants were on clearance for only $9. They fit great! 

My daughter is coming by Tuesday while we are off. She said she misses me. I miss her too. I think she’s getting nervous about going to college. Honestly, I’m looking forward to her going. She has spent the entire summer just hanging out with friends.  She was working, but her last day was July 1. I have a lot of anxiety about her just gallivanting around with her friends, and when she goes to the dorm, it will be a more secure environment. Luckily, her friends are all good kids and so is she. I don’t have to worry about them purposely getting in trouble. But there’s still anxiety. I couldn’t wait for her to be a legal adult, but now that she is, I totally get the anxiety that empty nesters feel. 

Hibachi Night

 Yesterday was a much easier day- the Austin crew was a huge help. We got off about 3 hours earlier than we did other days here, and Kevin took me out for hibachi. There’s place was really nice. We need to go there every time we come here now. 

Yesterday, Kevin and I were helping each other on an aisle of baking supplies and spices. I lifted up a 25 pound bag of sugar to scan it, and I realized that I’ve lost at least that much weight since January of 2024. I’ve actually lost closer to 30 pounds. But that bag of sugar was enormous and heavy and I was like jeez-  I’ve lost at least this much, most likely more. That’s daunting. No wonder I feel better these days. 

Speaking of that, I need smaller size work pants. They aren’t just “a little” too big anymore- I’m almost in danger of mooning people. I mean not really- we wear the scanners around our waist, so I just adjust the belt on that and use it to hold my pants up. No I don’t have a belt, I don’t like them. Kevin offered to take me to Walmart here in Louisiana for new pants, but I didn’t feel like it. I still have one clean pair. So maybe tonight we can go to Walmart. 

There’s an orange cat wandering around our motel. I told Kevin, “She looks like she wants a home with two brothers.”  He isn’t convinced. I miss my old orange cat and really have been itching for another orange cat, but Kevin has been in situations before where he had too many cats. He says, “Two is a respectable number.”  

I’m only semi looking forward to going home. I mean I’m stuck here until Monday so I might as well make the best of it. I’m not sick of that store chain yet. By Monday I might be. 

Louisiana Snafus

 We are short staffed on this trip, and I’m annoyed about it. I have a lot of muscle stiffness, TMJ, and sciatica that’s making me miserable. But yesterday I took 600 mg of ibuprofen with an entire Red Bull and felt a lot better. Plus, the grocery store chain that we do here has an amazing selection, so it makes it more fun to “pretend shop” while I do inventory. It’s only Friday morning, and I believe I’ll be in overtime after only a few hours. Both today and tomorrow are likely to be 10 hour days, so that’s approximately 16-18 hours of overtime. I haven’t been keeping track though, and I’m not sure if my guess is guessing high or guessing low. 

One of my coworkers on the Dallas crew came back from medical leave after having cancer, and she has announced that she’s cancer free. This was good news. When she showed up to work the first day of the trip, she had one of these. It’s a kneeling pad on wheels from Temu. I was instantly jealous. I actually think I might get one. I have a kneeling pad, but it doesn’t have wheels. Kevin wears knee pads, but I hate wearing them for sensory reasons. As I was counting the school supplies section, I wondered to myself, did anyone come across that item on Temu and think, who would buy this?  Under what circumstances would one need to roll around on their knees?  But we do!  It comes in handy if you do inventory in stores! 

My company gives meal allowance money for out of town trips.  Most of the time, the boss gives us a cash envelope on the first day of the trip, but sometimes he doesn’t and it’s just added to the next check. I asked the boss if we would get it in cash this time, and he said “he had to ask” but it seemed promising, and then I think he just didn’t feel like going to the bank for it. Or he didn’t want to ask. Because of this, I took all the cash out of my 100 envelope challenge and brought it with me. That’s a set back. But since my next paycheck will be enormous, I can start over with that. Plus, I’m able to bum off of my husband. 

Today is likely to be an easier day, because our Austin crew has arrived. We’ll have a lot more people today. We might get back to the motel earlier, and I may do some coin laundry since this is such a long trip.