I did the obligatory little search for a therapist on psychology today. I always have so much dread doing that. I loathe the fact that my old therapist can’t see me anymore and also can’t send any new therapist any information on me except my diagnoses. That means I have to start entirely over.  But I still do the obligatory once in a blue moon search. I found this lady, and wow ok!  Her little description here sounds like she’d be a good fit for me!

Then I researched her some more online, and it seems like she has a very negative view on motherhood. Having my daughter was actually the least traumatic thing about my story, and zero bitches are going to try and make me feel otherwise!  Not sorry!  If this therapist responds to me, I’m going to tell her no thank you after all. But I’m not going to talk about my amazing daughter. It’s best just to not engage. 

I didn’t suffer from postpartum depression.  I was actually depressed during pregnancy, and then going birth caused a surge of elation.  It’s the opposite of how it’s supposed to go. Most people think the depression is supposed to come after the baby. I’m also an anomaly when it comes to seasonal affective depression. Most people get it in the winter months, but I get it in the summer months. It’s too much work to explain these weird switcharoos with me to psychiatrists or therapists. 

I had another gym day today. I had about 2-3 rest days since my pushy salesman/personal trainer experience. I can’t remember what day that was. I signed up for a free pass at a gym called “Anytime Fitness” to possibly sign up for a membership, but once I did that, they started blowing up my phone. The manager of the one near me managed to sound over-bubbly on text. I could automatically tell she was also going to be a pushy salesman. I responded to one of the texts that I was only looking for a membership, not personal training. She responded with that that was ABSOLUTELY fine!  Then after the next text reminder, I just sent the word “cancel”. I don’t want to deal with that again. 

This morning I went to a fitness connection but a different location than the other day. Like I said, I was afraid that when I swiped in, I’d somehow be flagged as the woman who escaped the sales pitch. But I showed up at 5:15 am and the guy working the desk had his head down and was asleep on the job. So I just walked past him and started working out. I did five machines- two leg machines, two arm machines, and an ab one. I did 3-4 reps of 8-12 each. I also do 4,000 steps on the treadmill. 

I can’t tell you how good this makes me feel! Yesterday, I was kind of at a little bit of a breaking point because gift card boss changed my schedule for this week twice within a four hour time span. I would like to rant about why, even though I like gift card boss and I like most of the clients, I do kind of hate that I’m a caregiver again. Like I said before, I’d like to be doing something in stores again. But that’s for another day. I love the fact that I took it upon myself to learn to work out and that this is something that helps how I feel physically. I’ve been feeling like this for 12 years, and no one has been able to help me except me. Me taking up personal fitness actually goes against most of the advice I’ve been given. 

 

Cat Grooming

 I’ve never had a long haired cat. Jordan smacks us when we brush him and has gotten a little bit of matting. We found a cat groomer who took him today. I think he looks ridiculous! 🤣 

He looks embarrassed, and his brothers are hissing at him. 

I was hoping she’d trim his tail, but I was actually able to get a couple mats out of his tail. 

Happy Greek Easter Tidbits

First of all, I’ve lost 3.8 pounds in the last ten days. This is what the scale read each of the following mornings:

April 2: 206.0

April 4: 205.6

April 10: 203.2

April 12: 202.2

This is what Google has to say about a 3.8 pound weight loss in ten days. It’s completely fine. 

Today, we had flash flooding, so I didn’t go to the park. I am also afraid to go back to fitness connection, even though I have a membership until May 31. I can go to another location, but I’m afraid once I swipe in, I’ll be flagged as the woman who ditched the pushy salesman/personal trainer, and alarms will go off or something.  

I need to find a new gym. It’s going to be too hot soon to be going to the park. 

 

A good resource for working out is Heather Roberts on YouTube. I’m not sure I’m in any kind of headspace to just be exercising at home though. 

I want to make a quick vent about something. Some people who consider themselves big “mental health advocates” and really try to raise awareness about the validity of having a mental health diagnosis and will say things like “erase the stigma”.  You know who I’m talking about. Well, it seems like the very minute they don’t like someone or disagree with someone, they will use a mental health issue in order to insult that person- Thus creating stigma. I hope what I’m saying makes sense. And they’ll use unpopular diagnoses. They won’t insult someone by saying they have depression or any sort of neurodivergence, because those things are trendy. They’ll use personality disorders, especially narcissism. And EVEN if they don’t use a diagnostic term. They will tell the person they are trying to insult to “seek therapy.”  When, every other time, they are trying to make therapy into a respectable, commendable choice that should be celebrated. They’ll say there’s nothing wrong with going to therapy, but when they want to demean someone, they’ll use go to therapy. It’s such a weird juxtaposition. I’m not saying this because people do this to me. It has happened to me here and there, but I see it happening publicly all the time, in particular with celebrities, politicians, and the person’s own estranged family members. Please be aware that if you do this, then this is what creates the stigma that you want erased during awareness month. I’m just saying. 

On a brighter note, it’s Greek Easter, and my mom partied with about 50 people. She’s been trying to call with the gossip updates as I’m drafting this. These kids have been trending on TikTok for two weeks, even though that performance was more than a decade ago. I think they sound so cute!  They bring tears to my eyes!  

And I have fewer hours this week with my usual easy client who asked “where I had been”. She’s mad at gift card boss for sending different people all the time. I told GCB that I can do split shifts sometimes but not all the time and that they wear on me. I explained gas prices, ability to make other commitments, etc. I don’t have a lot of hours this week, but I’m absolutely ok with that. I have been through a ton the last few months. 

Gym Free Session

I have known for a while now to it my gym offers a free training session. I went today to see what I could learn about how to do anything. 

I learned quite a bit, actually. I figured he would try to sell me something at the end, but didn’t know he’d be as pushy as he was. He was trying to get me to spend about $700 a month on a “training package”. lol, no. My membership is only $27 a month. 

He talked me down and down and down to a twice a month package for over $200 a month and I agreed to it thinking I can cancel later- he seriously wasn’t letting me go without signing up. So he told me to get my debit card. I think he thought I left it in a locker, but it was in my trunk. He said go get it and come back. I went out to I my car and literally left. 

Then, he started blowing up my phone from the gym number and his own cell phone. I blocked both phones. 

Pushy salesmen are the worst. It literally made me call up and cancel my membership there, because he was so extremely pushy with the selling. 

At least I learned a little bit about the machines, and later I came home and ChatGPT gave me this response. Basically, 3-5 times a week. 5-8 machines covering the entire body. 3-4 reps of 8-12.  Just do that and you’ll get toned. Follow with 30 minutes of cardio. 

 

Wonderful Days Off

First of all, I renewed HULU to start watching The Testaments. If you aren’t aware, it’s a sequel to The Handmaid’s Tale, which I hated to love so much. The Handmaids Tale was addicting, but it was so dumb. I didn’t want to watch The Testaments, but I knew I had to see what happens to the main character’s daughter. 

The main character of The Handmaids Tale had two daughters. The older one, who was stolen from her arms at age five during a coup de etat, is the main character of The Testaments. The second daughter was born to her as a handmaid.  The Testaments is pretty good so far, but there is a huge debate online about whether or not the secondary character in the Testaments is in fact that second daughter. In the book, she is the second daughter. But the book takes place 15 years after The Handmaids Tale, whereas the show only takes place four years later. Since this second daughter is only a toddler at the end of The Handmaid's Tale, she’d be only 6 on this show. But the secondary character is a teenager- which fits with the book. 

This is what the show’s writer had to say about the issue:

To make matters more confusing, they chose a teen actress that looks just like the perfect mix of the actors that played her biological parents. Not everyone saw the memo from the show writer, so everyone is abuzz online. 

Yesterday and today, I was off work. I really needed it. This morning, I spoke to gift card boss about the client I went to see Monday and Tuesday. Thank god, she was evaluated by a nurse and is going back to skilled nursing. I’m so freakin glad. I told GCboss about some uneasiness I had regarding the fact that she left AMA. GCboss said this lady and her husband thought I was wonderful and had all nice things to say about me. That’s nice!  But I’m still glad she’s back admitted. I knew an RN would say hell no. 

When I’m old, I am going to have to be extremely careful not to fall. Falling REALLY messes them up. I should walk as much as possible now, and when I get older, maybe start using walking aids before a doctor tells me to. One can still walk in the park with a cane or walker with wheels. It’s just my opinion that at that age, being extra careful it’s important. Falling can be fatal for elderly people. 

Speaking of walking in the park, I started my day getting about 6,000 steps in a nice park all the way in Elgin, TX. 

Then I went into Austin, did two small jobs on merchandiser, then got about 4,000 more steps on the treadmill at a gym there. Then I went on field agent and ate lunch at a Subway there in Austin, getting a free sub plus $3. Then I went to San Marcos to pick up my daughter and take her out for a fun afternoon. I took her to Waffle House (which is why I ate at subway first-not much healthy at Waffle House). Then took her to Target. I didn’t get to see her much over spring break. We had a healthy conversation about sensitive topics. I’m glad my daughter can talk to me!  I couldn’t open up to my mother about half the stuff she opens up to me about. 

Now im home, and it’s pouring rain. 

Feeling Good, Feeling Bad

I went to the park two days ago and walked while holding a water bottle in each hand. While walking, I did arm lifts and arm circles holding the bottles as weights. If I waned a drink, I made sure I drank roughly equal amounts from each bottle. Yesterday I felt great. The problem I have had in my muscles since 2014 is “being worked out” by exercising.  No one ever suggested exercising to me as a solution. In fact, it was semi discouraged by the pervasive message to “not let anyone tell you to just exercise.”  (In other words, go to a psychiatrist and therapist instead.)  

I found this meme message that resonated with me. “Do a rep for every lie you believed.”  It’s powerful. It’s really about rising above whatever situation you find yourself in after believing a multitude of lies. Scroll down to hear about my latest client at work. 

This is so true:  There’s so much “don’t exercise” mentality out there, and I’m trying to unlearn all of it. 

Gift card boss put me with a brand new client. What this client didn’t tell her was that she left skilled nursing against medical advice.  She has a fractured hip and shoulder. Her fall happened at church during a service for Holy Week. So it was VERY recent. I cannot turn her in bed to change, bathe or dress her. I have to do so by pushing things under her and pushing hard on the mattress. This itself is a workout. Plus, her husband is the literal king of Weaponized Incompetence. I had to show him how to start a wash machine and dishwasher. 

She really likes to talk to me and has said a couple times that I’m a good listener. They like me and are asking for me to come back. But I REALLY need my days off, which are today and tomorrow. If I don’t get my days off, I’m going to completely fall apart. Gift card boss took me off of the schedule of the bedridden 89 year old that I was working with to put me with this lady. The good news is that by the time I go back Friday, she will have been evaluated by a home health nurse. I need advice from an RN on this one. I’ve only cared for people who have had weeks to months to recover from fractures. Hers are so recent that she reminds me of the princess and the pea. 

And she won’t take pain meds! 

But on to how I feel. The exercise has really helped the problem in my muscles that I can’t describe. My arms and legs are feeling gooooooodddd!!!  But there’s fatigue that comes with it. Some of it maybe caregiver fatigue. Some may be that I’m working out about five days a week without really knowing how. I have not puked from dehydration any more than that one time. I know I need to rest to make it work, but I also don’t want to excessively rest to the point where I’m back into a sedentary lifestyle. 

Easter/Palm Sunday/Spring

Kevin went to a different park. He sent me his location, and I went there. There are about five parks all “interconnected”. I walked far enough to eventually reach where I was yesterday. I also got a money shot picture of this cardinal. 

Here’s the trail. It’s a beautiful tree tunnel. 

Being Easter Sunday, I earned time and a half for both of my shifts. My religious background is complicated. My parents were Eastern Orthodox, who celebrate Easter based on a different calendar. Then when I was in middle school, they enrolled me in a Christian school affiliated with a baptist church. So I essentially left the Orthodox Church when I was 13. About every four years, orthodox and regular Easter falls on the same day. About every four years, it falls a whole month later. Two years out of every four years, it’s a week later, and that’s the case this year. So while yall were celebrating Easter, my mother was going to church for palms. 

I like when it falls on the same day. A week later is tolerable, and a month later is obnoxious. Although, the last time it fell a whole month later,

I observed both lents and lost 10-12 pounds. 

Last but not least, my phone decided to make me photo collages of my boy Alex. I love it.