Surreal

 Being married again feels surreal to me. I can’t believe we actually did it. In fact, Kevin said to me the other night, “Babe? We did it!”  

Yup we did!  When I went back to work at the inventory service over two years ago, I did not do so with any sort of intention of meeting someone there. 

On the day that Kevin and I got married, one of my aunts died. She was not the “most” evil of the bunch, but she was pretty horrible. She was the mother of the cousin I lost last year to colon cancer. She was 94 years old. My mom grew up with 6 older sisters, and now there are two left. My aunt on my dad’s side sent my mom a sympathy card, and at first when she told me about it, I thought my aunt on my dad’s side was sending sympathy that I got married. I had already forgotten. My mom isn’t too broken up over this. In fact the last time she had spoken to this sister of hers that died the day I got married, it was about ten years ago and the last thing she said to my mother was, “Fuck you and fuck all of your sisters.”  Of course I had to ask, does that include her as well?  Was she also telling herself, fuck you?  

It’s been hard all these years navigating all the weird pressure and bad advice I’ve gotten from the older generation in my family. That’s one of the reasons why it’s so hard to believe I’m in the good place that I am now. I saw This clip and had to rewatch it several times, laughing hysterically at it. It 100% reminds me of myself answering to all of my old people, and having them get judgmental with me all these years. 

Old Tunnel State Park

This weekend, Kevin and I took a mini trip to Fredericksburg, Texas and this morning went to the “Old Tunnel State Park.”  The trail here surrounds a bat colony. There is a theater with benches for when the bats come out at night. It was very nice and peaceful!! ☺️ 

 

Wedding

Got married today at justice of the peace. 

I’m glad it’s over. 

How on earth do people do this in front of hundreds in a big spectacle? I could never. 

Feeling relieved. 

 

Wedding Gift OMG

First of all, This was posted this morning, and I fell back asleep to it.  I love it, and I wish it was longer.

Secondly, I actually got a wedding gift from a family member.  This family member’s daughter in law messaged me and said she sends the same towel set to anyone getting married and she does the ordering for her mother in law.  She asked me what color I wanted and I said olive green.

 They came yesterday, and I was absolutely shocked not only at the sheer number of towels (There are three missing from the picture, because we had already decided to bathe and use them), but at the fact that I got a wedding gift at all.  Believe me when I tell you, I never expected anyone to be supportive, let alone enough to actually send me a gift.  It truly does feel like I have stepped into a parallel universe where me in a relationship doesn’t enrage everyone.  They are good quality towels!  And I was just thinking, I need new towels.

Insomnia on Days Off and Accomplishments

I only worry about insomnia when I have to work a long day.  During days off and shorter work days, being tired isn’t a big deal, especially since Kevin drives. Last night, Kevin went to bed super early, and I went through all of my fabric scraps. I was able to make a ton of these blocks for denim chenille quilts for when I make an Etsy shop- I made enough for one and  a half 6by 6 quilts. If I just pick up a half yard of navy blue at Walm next time I’m there, I can finish the other half. I also made my scraps into crazy quilt blocks, all pictured below. 

At one time, I was going to make a “skirt out of ties”, but it was a fail. I got the ties on 25 cent day, and they’re all torn up now. I lost interest in that. So I just threw them away. I don’t like being reminded of fails. 

While I worked, I watched the HULU docuseries called “The Devil in the family” about Rube Franke and Jodi Hildebrandt. Now, I had heard their names in the news a lot over the past couple years, but never took the deep dive. I worked with kids for about 20 years, and had one therapist suggest that I had “complex PTSD” from it all. I knew that it involved severe child abuse and wanted to wait until I was ready. When I saw that one of my favorite YouTubers, Alyssa Grenfell, posted a Reaction, I decided it was time to.  I had already renewed my HULU Subscription due to the Octomom docuseries and the fact that the final season of the Handmaid’s Tale is on the horizon. So I just logged on and watched it while I did scraps. 

It was funny to me how much Jodi Hildebrandt reminds me of my now 92 year old radical feminist aunt, whom I often refer to as my “evil aunt”. They had a lot of similarities. Then, I saw that her niece was interviewed. As horrible as my own evil aunt was, at least my mother never sent me to live with her!  If she ever did, then perhaps I would also have escaped to a neighbor’s house with duct tape around my ankles. My aunt did want to send me to the so called “troubled teen industry” though. When I got my first job in a daycare at age 16, she thought it made me want to get pregnant. It actually did, but it’s not like I was trying to. I didn’t even have a boyfriend until I was 18, and even then didn’t actively try to conceive. She actually called a place and told them about me, probably exaggerating the whole time. 

They told her to have my parents call them. She was just my aunt and didn’t have the authority to actually enroll me in anything. So she told my mother, and my mother responded that she wasn’t worried about me getting pregnant, because no one would probably ever want to be with me anyway. I didn’t even know about all of this until years later when I heard it from another cousin. We all have our own stories about her. When she dies y’all will know because the post will be titled “Ding Dong the witch is dead”. Seeing details about Jodi Hildebrandt makes me so glad my parents, despite major faults of their own, kept her mostly at a distance. She did live with us for a while, but not long enough to brainwash my parents into chaining me up. Thank goodness. 

 

Tidbits

 First of all thanks, Kathy G!!  I had absolutely no idea they put you out for a colonoscopy. That’s actually really good news. Such a relief!!  With that being said, why don’t they put you out for gynecological procedures as well?  I’ve had two IUD’s and I’m not going there right now- it’s an enormous debate online whether women deserve anesthesia during IUD insertions. 

Secondly, I finished all the sewing on a rainbow denim chenille quilt that I want to list for sale whenever I make an Etsy shop- 

Of course it’s not done, I still need to do all the clipping. I usually do that if I’ve woken up too early for work and am waiting for whatever Kevin declared “time to leave”. It’s different every morning due to start time and distance, but it is always at the crack of dawn!!  

I have others that are basic blues that I don’t think I’ve ever taken photos of. They need to be clipped as well. I also have a white themed one with white denim:

 

It’s all white denim on the back. I have so much white that this might be king size. 

I’m also going to charge a little more for the rainbows. They require more thought. 

Thirdly, I’ve gotten depressed reading the subreddit Find a Path. Not sure why I’m on there- I’ve pretty much found my path or paths. I just feel sorry for people who feel so lost in life. Especially when they say something similar to, “I’m 22 and I’ve completely ruined my life!”  And it’s something really minor that I also would have catastrophic over at age 22. I feel like Eminem in the song Not Afraid. When I want to tell someone everything is going to be ok, I feel like the first 23 seconds of that song. “It’s been a ride. I guess I had to go to that place to get to this one. Some of you might be in that place, you’re trying to get out. Come follow me. I’ll get you there.”  

Also, since Mariam on TikTok reminded me that today and tomorrow are Purim, I decided to watch my favorite movie version of itEsther. Warning, if you decide to watch the movie in that link about Queen Esther in the Bible, there are a ton of ads!  But it’s free! 

Colonoscopy Advice

 

On April 1 at 3:40 pm, I’m seeing a gastroenterologist (who, in his online profile, seems like a really nice guy but you never know) for a consult for a colonoscopy. 

Last year, I lost my cousin Kathy to colon cancer. Kathy had been sick as a dog for at least two years. At some point, she was scheduled for a colonoscopy, but didn’t go. She went through the “prep” the previous day, and then just didn’t go to the actual colonoscopy, because according to her, the prep made her feel a lot better. “I must have shit out whatever the problem was,” she had said. 

In December of 23, her adult daughter came for a visit and immediately stepped outside to call paramedics. She had looked that bad. They took her to the hospital, and discovered colon cancer which had spread as to her liver and somewhere else. She died at the end of January. It was devastating. 

Sometimes, people on hospice will become reclusive and not want to see or speak to anyone. This is how Kathy was. My mother didn’t understand, but I did because of my previous work as a CNA. Even though they were aunt and niece, they were more like sisters. And Kathy had the type of personality that it didn’t really surprise me that she’d not wanted to see or talk to anyone at the end of life. 

She was also deathly afraid of doctors, and that’s why this was never caught early. As the last year has gone by, I have realized that I am exactly the same way now about doctors. I cancel appointments.  I have exactly the same fears she did. There was one doctor who wrote everything Kathy’s was going through as “anxiety” and just giving her Paxil. My mom originally wanted that doctor sued. But you can’t, I said, you aren’t immediate family and she ditched her colonoscopy anyway. My mom doesn’t remember her saying “I must have shit out whatever the problem was.”  She selectively remembers things. That happened. I blow my mom off when she claims to not remember it. 

I don’t want to end up like Kathy, and I’m seeing so many similarities between me and her. 

I know Kathy could have had many more years on this earth, because her mom (my mom’s sister) is still alive and kicking and will turn 95 in June. Not only that, but she’s been smoking for about 80 years!  

It completely grosses me out to think of having a colonoscopy, and I do NOT want to freak out and ditch the appointment, and I want to go through with it no matter how awful it might be. 

So if anyone has been through a colonoscopy before and can give me some advice in the comments, that would be great!  I feel like people don’t really talk about any other cancers except for the ones that are female specific (breast, cervical, ovarian, uterine, etc). Then people with every other kind of cancer (men AND women), it creeps up on them in stage four when they all along had no idea something was wrong. My daughter is 17 and “wants three kids someday”, so I need to be around. Please tell me what to expect in the comments.   I have a feeling it’s not as bad as it seems, although I don’t have experience so I could be wrong.