The Best PB&J in the World

About 15 years ago, when Anna was little and it was just me and her in my own apartment, one time I made some homemade bread. While it was still warm, I got out one of those jars of peanut butter and jelly stripes and spread a bunch on a slice for her. When she ate it, she told me, “Mommy, this is the best peanut butter and jelly sandwich in the whole world.” 

Well, today I recreated it. I couldn’t find PB&J stripe jars, so I just got regular peanut butter and “four berry jam”.  

I know the bread wasn’t baked all the way through, but it was still good!  I put it back in for ten minutes after eating this slice. 

I made this loaf for myself, Kevin, my coworker, and the five ladies in the group home I work at. They all liked it, but my coworker said it was a little heavy. She said it would make good dumplings. I said, what would?  She said “That recipe, but make dumplings instead of bread.” 

Oh, ok?  I never have made dumplings. Maybe I’ll even add chicken. 

 

Capital of Texas Updates

Almost 8 weeks in, and I am loving Austin. Just as it has been, the only problem is that my husband still can’t move here permanently. He did get a transfer to the Austin crew of his job, but said he would stay until they were staffed. Then the manager wouldn’t call back anyone that the Austin manager hired for Houston. Then one or two stuck, but are problematic. There are officially three solid seeming new people, and it seems like Kevin can finally join me here permanently and start working on the Austin crew. I mean you would think that three people would be adequate to replace one. It was even to a point where they didn’t have enough scanners for people. So one of the new guys was doing “pre counts” with stickies on high quantity items. What a waste of time. The new people have to learn the scanners, my husband doesn’t. Have my husband do the stickies or just let him move here. I can tell they are fucking with us because they’re mad about our move. 

My mom’s narrative is that Kevin won’t join me here permanently, because “he secretly just doesn’t want to be with me.”  Because of course that is what my mother thinks. Why would my husband be paying for this whole ass apartment that he only gets to crash at on the weekends?  His parents’ guest house has crappy AC and ants. The only financial contribution I made to this apartment was $150 towards the move in costs/deposit and then yesterday I paid $400 towards September rent. My husband only said “I’ll get us an apartment there if you get any job” just to get me into a better situation. The place in Hempstead is falling apart, and I didn’t like the job I was working at, and we knew we wanted to end up here anyway. Kevin had kind of an emotional crash out when he found out that the Houston crew has jobs scheduled this Saturday and Sunday- so he wouldn’t be able to come to Austin for the weekend. My mother’s interpretation was “Maybe he actually crashed out because he’s tired of you.”  

This caused me to blow up at my mother, which caused her to act oblivious. She didn’t do anything wrong and just has no idea what she said wrong!  

She has always, always created this narrative that stars me as the root of all the problems of everyone else around me. I sometimes explain it as having been born already canceled. It’s funny, because it’s her generation that hates “cancel culture.”  

The day after my blow up at my mom, Dolly Parton died. Damnit. Now I have to call her and be like “Dolly Parton died.” Aretha Franklin died the last time we had a major fight. I refused to call her about it at that time, and then she was like “You didn’t call me when Aretha Franklin died!” As if she was her relative and I owed her condolences. So about 12-14 hours after the news broke, I simply sent a text saying “Dolly Parton died.”  I knew she must have been watching it on tv all day, so it was a little funny that I sent that text as if I was announcing it. In fact, she was probably channel surfing whenever one network stopped talking about it, in order To see if another network was talking about it. She does that when there’s major news, and then she complains that there’s too much news coverage. 

She responded as if the fight never happened, so I guess we are cool but I’m being distant. 

It’s now looking like Kevin can head to Austin this weekend after all. I agree, because three new people can make up for it!  Especially with not enough scanners because what the hell!  I’m glad because Kevin was kind of depressed that he couldn’t come this weekend. 

The only other new city woe is my $186 toll road bill. I paid that yesterday. 😓. Austin freeways have a habit of not being a toll for several miles, and then all of a sudden they are. So as soon as I paid that yesterday, I decided to drive around the city all day (doing side jobs of course) and really really paying attention to what’s a toll and where- that way, if my navigation tells me to go one way, I know not to. I do not even think Siri knows which Austin highways are tolls, because I select avoid tolls, and it still sends me on them. I had lived in Houston 24 years, so I had it memorized what was a toll and what wasn’t. The one that does this the most is highway 183. It’s a toll, then it’s not, then it is, then it’s not. RM620 is free for like 20 miles all around the perimeter of the city and then once it gets to the area where I live, bam it’s a toll. I really have spent the last couple days making note of these things so I don’t have to pay $186 again. 

Other than that things are great. I love having an easy night job and lots of side jobs to do locally during the day. I’m going in tonight at midnight and would be getting off at 8 am but agreed to take one of the ladies on a doctor appointment at 8:20 am. This way, the day staff doesn’t have to take everyone to one person’s appointment. I wouldn’t want to have to go to a housemate’s appointments either. After that hopefully I’ll see Kevin!!

Organizing Quilting Squares 🟥🔷🟦🔹🟧

 This shelving unit in my enormous closet has been designated for 6 inch quilting squares and isn’t finished yet. My cat Mitchell has decided it’s a good spot. 

I’ve decided that I’m going to have the lint roller out when I start doing patchwork. 

Also a disclaimer- denim chenille quilts are washed 2-3 times to get the chenille effect, so cat hair won’t be an issue !!!

My Great Idea

Last night I asked ChatGPT to give me a complete daily workout routine. I want to work out DAILY.  I have always felt like if I skip a day, I will never exercise again. I told the bot this and it gave me this routine. I did the Friday routine when I got home from work this morning. It’s only a teeny bit challenging. I am starting to think it’s a good idea to ask ChatGPT things, because a person will beat around the bush and/or judge. Some sort of coach/counselor person would have had to spend hours and fucking days with me before giving me this list. 

 

Shelves!!!

 I found a bookcase by the dumpster yesterday. The shell of the bookcase was broken, but these shelves were fine. I took them in order to build a bookshelf out of cans. I get large cans of foods I would love to have in an emergency and balance old shelves on them. Then I can use the new shelving unit for other things. I got the idea from Mormon preppers. I’ve done this for 15 years 

Risky Behavior

I still occasionally look on psychology today for therapists, but I no longer message them. I call them and speak to them if they answer or if they call back. I do not leave voicemails. If I can get them on the phone, I tell them that I’m looking for a therapist and immediately give the disclaimer that I married my supervisor a year and a half ago(sometimes I say boss)-

And that’s not why I need therapy- it’s just a fact about me that other therapists have taken issue with. What I need therapy for, I explain compactly, is a complex childhood followed by going onto work with children and vulnerable adults and that I feel like I’ve absorbed all the trauma of the people I’ve cared for. 

It’s all the truth. 

Regarding my marriage, I spoke to a therapist on the phone today. She had a very sweet bubbly voice and said that she is a harm reduction therapist. This means that she’s not going to be against anything that you feel doesn’t harm you. She might express “curiosity”, but will not “tell you what to do”.

 Ugh. When I say I went on to work with children and vulnerable adults, they should know that I know what a lot of things are. Harm reduction is largely used for drug addicts on the street. I followed a young woman who did it in skid row in Los Angeles. Here’s the Google definition of harm reduction:

This lady was equating me marrying Kevin to a risky behavior. And instead of demanding immediate abstinence, she was going to meet me where I was in order to keep me alive. Wow!  Thanks I guess!  Maybe I’ll go live on skid row!  I’m so risky. 

Another woman I talked to about five days ago claimed that she worked with throuples and polycules.  If you don’t know what that means, it’s more than two people in one romantic relationship. A throuple is three people all in love with each other. A polycule is four or more. You would need a therapist to prevent jealousy. I guess, I mean I don’t know because I’ve never done that. But the throuple/polycule affirming therapist also said that my marriage and how we met was a “concern” 

lol!  But it would be better if we met another way and had a sister wife and a brother husband!!!  

I honestly don’t know why I keep doing this. Maybe a part of me still hopes that one will honest to god truly meet me where I am and listen to my stories. And help me deal through them. For now though, the chartreuse notebooks had to do. I did get Anna today, but more on that later. She’s doing great! 

 

 

Mid- Week Musings

 The main project this week is organizing my crafty supplies. I have been trimming the pen marks off of all of my 6 inch squares and organizing them super neatly into that shelving unit in my massive closet. I’m listening to Hannah Alonzo and Derrick Levasseur on YouTube while I do it. I’ll take a picture of the total organization once I’m done. I took all of the warm colored squares to work last night (red, orange, pink, maroon, yellow). The M-F 4-midnight coworker stayed over a little bit and conversed with me while I did them. She didn’t leave until about 12:45. She said, “My aunt used to make beautiful Afghanistans.”  

Also on the to do list this week is to fix the tension on my sewing machine. 

I’m seeing Anna tomorrow. She also wants to switch cats. She said she didn’t ask for Alex, she asked for Jordan. I was a little concerned about her caring for Alex in his advanced age anyway. I discussed it with Kevin, and Kevin was all for it. Next week on payday, I'm going to pay her pet deposit and maybe bring him there a couple days later. Or the same day who knows. JJ is a very cute boy, but he is an asshole. Plus, my daughter really wanted to bring one of her dad and stepmoms pets-they said no. 

Trimming the pen marks off of my squares is the physical activity that I need to channel the ball of anxiety out. Like I said, when I worked with my husband, doing inventory in the stores had the same effect. There’s something about a constant repetitive task involving hands and upper body that does it. Cutting the squares out also does it. And sewing, as long as the machine works and the tension is right.