Ramblings

 No I didn’t get a nose ring, but my daughter did. She’s 18 now, so she can. I want one if I get down about another 5-10 pounds. She also said she’s on a waiting list for a tattoo. She briefly explained the tattoo, and it’s similar to mine. I might show it when I get the final picture. 

This has been a challenging week, because Kevin had to travel to the dead ass middle of Texas while I am staying behind to work locally. The chain that we usually do all over that area is being done by our Austin crew, and Kevin has to run it because none of the Austin crew knows how. Kevin seemed unnecessarily bummed out that he had to travel without me. It makes me realize that even though he said he’d be supportive if I moved on to another job, he’d still really hate traveling without me. We travel often. I would bring that up, but nah. It actually makes me feel great that he would miss me that much. After decades of being told that if I got married, my husband would want to leave me for every little thing, turns out that’s not the case. 

Next week, I’ll be on vacation. There is going to be parent orientation at the university where my daughter is going, and I’m taking her on a road trip the rest of the week. I requested it a long time ago. 

I’m struggling a lot with my anxiety, but still working hard to fight it off. I often try to not take any gabapentin at all some days. It works, in that, I don’t have that many withdrawal symptoms. I do have bad anxiety though. If I have a withdrawal problem, I just take half a capsule. Actually the one time I did have withdrawals this week, I drank my apple juice that had 400 mg inside but I drank half at a time about four hours apart. It’s easy to fall into the “I need to go see someone who can help me” trap, but in the end that would be such a bad idea. I thought about maybe seeing another psychiatrist and letting them know that I would be willing to take gabapentin and an SSRI, just because they obviously push SSRI’s so much. However, in the end that also wouldn’t be smart. The doctor would just see me doing well and attribute it to the SSRI, not the gabapentin, and then take me “off” gabapentin.  I know this from experience as well. The whole experience makes me totally look down on them. Then I saw this meme:

Oh so snarky huh!!!  The point of this meme is that “you can’t” just cheer up, you need professionals. What the meme doesn’t tell you is that you can  go see as many professionals as you want, and they also are just going to tell you to cheer up. So, in my opinion, you might as well save your money and just cheer up. In fact, you might be able to use that money to help with whatever is stressing you out. 

I have had to tell myself over and over that a big part of the reason for my anxiety is that I have been on meds so long and now I’m not. At least I have a pretty decent stash  for in case it gets really bad. If I had been taking the full dose daily, then I would be out soon. That would absolutely suck. I just need to remind myself that no one I ever go to for help is actually going to help me. I have the tools, I just need to tap in and discover them. 

I also want to say thanks for all the encouragement on my child advocate blog. That blog is slow going. Ideally, I would write a post there daily. Ideally, I would also physically exercise daily as well. Perhaps that is a nice goal that would help my anxiety. 

One thing that I wasn’t sure should go on this blog or that one is what was recently discovered about the Duggar family from 19 Kids and Counting. As you may know, their oldest son is now serving time for CSAM. More recently, a young man who was dating one of their younger daughters but since moved on and married someone else, was arrested for sexual assault of a child under 12. It appears to have happened when he was 18-19 years old. His current wife made this post, which made its way to Reddit. I have a lot to say:

One of the comments under that post was, “I read the first two words of that and was hoping the rest of it would say ‘went down to Georgia.’”

Yeah no shit!  What an absolute piece of shit this couple is!  “Victim”. She didn’t just do that. And while it’s been many years since I’ve been to church, I have seen this sentiment quite a bit among them. They tend to hold minor sins against people pretty harshly but when it comes to CSA, it’s all about forgiveness all of a sudden. I noticed a lot of young people on TikTok claiming that the heavy push for forgiveness in past decades was not actually for the right reasons. In a lot of instance, people preached forgiveness so heavily because they themselves wanted to get away with abuse. I can believe that!  And when she says that she knows a lot of people who are also doing it, I want to say “Ok- go on…”

Child Advocates Blog

 For a little over a year, I’ve been slowly working on a blog dedicated to advocating for children. I talk about my experiences in the past as well as current day things. It’s one of my goals to keep up with. It used to be on Wordpress, but honestly I just don’t like Wordpress. I didn’t renew my subscription and just copy pasted all but two existing posts Here  

https://childadvocateblog.blogspot.com/?m=1

I have not shared it either here or on social media, because I’m scared of criticism. But just because I’m afraid of criticism, that doesn’t mean I’m saying don’t give me any of you have some.  I’m just scared of it, that’s all!  But I won’t be if it’s valid. So far I’m only sharing it here and not yet on my socials. If you have any current day topics you’d like me to discuss, give me suggestions in the comments. Thanks 🙏🏼 

Also, the pen name “Simi Higgins” just doesn’t work for me anymore. I need a new one and am taking suggestions for a new pen name as well. 

Weight and Career Goals

I have spent literally all day today (literally- I have been awake since before midnight) dreading work tomorrow and thinking I’m going to get fired because I asked for a raise on Friday. 

I honestly don’t want to go in. Like I said, this is the first time in my life that I’ve asked or even negotiated pay. I am constantly afraid that my parents were right and I’ll get fired instantly. 

I would probably quit in shame if my husband wasn’t my coworker. He told me (and I know he’s right and I’m being irrational, but I can’t help it. His parents were way kinder than mine) that the worst that could happen was that I won’t get the raise. I am 100% not getting fired. 

In fact, I hope my father isn’t rolling in his grave. If he was still alive and I was living under his roof and he knew about this he would be SCREAMING about how I’m about to get replaced by someone who will do it cheaper. I wonder why he never worked through his trauma. I have, at least enough to not have a shit fit at my child because she’s doing life differently than I did. I actually don’t think it was trauma that made my father act like that. I think he and my mom both wanted to keep me down. I have thoughts on why, but they’re for another day. 

I stepped on the scale this morning and it said 189.9. 

Hooray, the 180’s!!  Barely!  I told myself if I got to the 180’s, I would get a nose ring. Do I still want it?  Yes, but I would no longer be in the 180’s if I was wearing anything. Perhaps the nose ring itself would put me at 190. 

Homemade Laundry Detergent

 I finally did it!  Not sure I needed a plastic box that big, but it’s the one I had. 

This homemade laundry detergent was 1 tub of oxy clean, 1 box of borax, 1 box washing soda, 1.5 bars of grated Zote soap, 4 pounds of baking soda, and 1 bottle of scent booster. 

The scoop came from the box of oxy clean. 

It does smell nice. Zote soap smells like citronella. We’ll see how this works. I used to love doing this decades ago. 

I Asked For A Raise

 So normally, we are a crew of four- me and my husband, the manager and his wife. It’s literally a double date. All day, every day!  

Recently, we got a fifth person- the nephew of the manager. Nephew said he worked here before, from 2014-2018. I also worked here before from 2002-2005.  

About two weeks ago, my manager’s wife and nephew and I were standing around after we uploaded our inventory, and the nephew was telling her and I about a friend of his who lives in Nebraska.  This friend of his drives a truck for a farm chain up there. Then the nephew said he has no idea why his Nebraska friend “wastes his time with this job, because it only pays-“ and then he said how much it paid per hour, which was literally double what I make per hour. 

I have been scratching my head for two weeks. I talked to my husband about it. Why would he look down his nose so much about someone wasting their time making twice what I make, when he’s working the exact same job as me? Does he make more than twice what I make.  Because that’s what it sounds like?  Kevin laughed and insisted “There’s no way he makes that much.”  I said ok “But why would he say that?” 

Kevin responded, “Well maybe he just meant it’s not enough for trucking.” 

I said, “Trucking is mostly just driving.” 

Kevin said, “But they’re away from home a lot.” 

I said, “So are we.”  

Kevin rested his case and still insisted that there was no way nephew made twice what I make. 

I have never in my life ever asked for a raise or even negotiated my pay. Ever. My parents always taught me that I should just be grateful I have any job at all, and if I ever dared to ask or negotiate that not only would I immediately be replaced, but I would also somehow be blacklisted from ever getting a job again. (I’m not sure how-  it’s funny the things we grow up to realize were off the wall advice.)

The conversation about the farm trucker in Nebraska has been grinding my gears and burning my balls all week. I finally decided to email the owner of the company and ask her for a raise. I only asked her for a 50 cent raise- NOT “double” lol. I think I did a very articulate job with asking and being my own cheerleader. Yes there were fears that my dad would be right and she’d fire me immediately. It wouldn’t be the worst thing though. I also have a million and one things that I’ve learned my parents and other elders were wrong about. I should have been more confident that I wouldn’t get fired for asking. She responded kind of quickly saying she appreciated all I do and that they would review it and get back to me. 

I told my mom. She then told me that the CEO’s response was “typical.”  I thought to myself, how do you know it’s typical if you’ve always told me that I would be instantly replaced if I ever asked?  Didn’t say that out loud though. Sounds like she’s asked before. 

I’m so glad I asked, even if I don’t get it. Asking for a raise for the first time in my life a month before turning 47 

I Was Today Years Old

 When I found out that the “Serotonin Hypothesis” that claims depression is caused by a chemical imbalance/ low serotonin levels was actually never proven. 

I actually did “sort of” know that, but it’s so not talked about that I didn’t realize it. 

I have honestly been wondering- do I really “suffer from” anxiety and depression, or are anxiety and depression a normal part of the human experience?  Is mine actually a disorder/disease, or have I been gullible with people who profit off of me being anxious and depressed?  

You aren’t allowed to ask these questions out loud. I wasn’t asking them out loud- I was simply googling them. Chemical imbalances have not been proven. They do not actually test your serotonin levels. Yes I knew that, but I disregarded it. Why did I just follow blindly?  Probably because so many people get so preachy when it comes to mental health. They yell at you that going to a psychiatrist is “just like going to the doctor if you have a broken leg or diabetes.”  The silent part isn’t spoken out loud- that broken bones are seen on X-rays and diabetes can be seen in bloodwork. 

Yesterday I counted my remaining gabapentin and created my own taper schedule. If I follow it, then I will run out on about February 6, 2026. If I pick up another “month supply” at the end of this month, I can make that last for most of 2026. 

I have to really, really work hard to reinvent myself, accept and sit with horrible feelings, and radically accept that it’s only me that can help me. I know that the proper thing to do would be to talk to my PCP about tapering, and I did try to do that. I went in the day before yesterday in the afternoon. The medical assistant who was taking my vitals went over my medications and very very clearly had an absolute problem that I was taking gabapentin for anxiety.  She said, “And you take….. gabapentin?  FOR ANXIETY?  Why?”  Immediately I felt uncomfortable. God knows I really really hate that. I explained nicely that  a psychiatrist prescribed it for me about four years ago, and that she had retired and I was unable to find another who is willing to prescribe it again. So that was actually why I was there- to discuss a taper schedule with the doctor to get off of it safely. The medical assistant continued to question me while emphasizing every other word, stating that gabapentin isn’t usually used for anxiety. I tried to explain again that the reason I was there was to discuss tapering. I asked her if she had a problem with it, I mean there was a lot of tension in the room. I started crying and said I didn’t want to see the doctor. She tried to backtrack and say she didn’t mean to upset me and she didn’t think anything was wrong with it etc. I left the exam room and went up to the front to check out and cancel my appointment. 

I never, ever want to talk to any medical professional ever again about taking gabapentin for anxiety. It has to be all on me. I have to figure it out myself. As many of you know I do have a cousin that is a psychiatrist. She lives in the Chicago area. I brought this up to her, and she prescribes gabapentin to her patients all the time for anxiety. But obviously I can’t see her, because she’s related to me. She started saying “That’s so weird” that I was having so many problems getting it again. Generally in our family, saying “that’s weird” means you don’t believe someone. I flat out told her that it’s really happening and not weird. She then started blaming it on the conservative politics of Texas. I said, the doctor that originally prescribed it to me was also in Texas and actually if you know someone that I can see then please give me their name and number so I can seek them out myself. I texted out this whole plan of quitting my job and temporarily moving to Illinois if she really knew someone and if it was just so common in liberal Illinois. She said she’d ask around but hasn’t responded. She doesn’t know anyone. 

Something just changed with psychiatrists’ attitudes towards that medication and willingness to prescribe it. They don’t want to take responsibility so they blame the patient. 

I have a lot of work to do to get better. I can do it, too. These people were making money off of convincing me I’m nothing without them. I’m tempted to feel defeated, and I think it’s ok to let myself feel like that for a little while but then I have to get up and start over. 

Homemade detergent

 It’s such a long week. I’ve been eyeballing this TikTok trend and have been wanting to do it so badly. It’s a recipe for “homemade laundry detergent”, even though two of the ingredients are actual detergent themselves. I can imagine it must smell really great and get your clothes nice. I used to make homemade detergent with only soap, washing soda and borax. That was 20 years ago. It’s evolved with TikTok. I just showed that video to my husband thinking he would object, but he did the opposite of object. He was all for it. He even said “We already have the tote”. Ok!  This weekend I’m going to make this.