Tidbits

 Anna sent me this perfect picture of Tommy. What a good, photogenic boy!!  This picture is now my phone background. 

My life has become a big cycle of 12 hours on, 12 hours off. This group home is getting cleaner now that I’m cleaning it. The house supervisor refuses to do household chores (and also seems unable to) and the residents of the group home aren’t able to do much either. My Clorox wipes are finally not coming up so “muddy”. This place was gross when I started. Now we can walk in and not immediately smell funk. 

Every few mornings, I make the guys a big pan of scrambled eggs. They know how to do everything else breakfast related.  Except clean up after themselves. One of the guys helped me in the kitchen. I gave him one simple task at a time. Like, “find me a frying pan.”  “Get out the milk”. Etc. Then I told him to put a little butter in the frying pan, and he scooped half the entire tub into the pan. When I saw it, I was like ohhhh. No, just a teeny amount of butter. I showed him how much and dumped the rest back into the tub. A couple days later, the same thing happened. I asked him to put a little bit in, and he didn’t remember my little lesson about how much butter to put in a pan. Once again, he dumped half the tub out. 

That was eye opening. While this job may be easy, it’s still necessary. These people truly can’t live on their own. When I was a CASA volunteer, I worked with some teens that had “preparation for adult living classes” that taught them this stuff. They all caught on, as did my daughter whenever I taught her basic skills like this at home. 

I still have a lot of down time at night. I often doze off, and set my alarm for the top of every hour. This dozing causes me to not sleep much at home so I need to stop doing it if I want healthy sleep. So I brought my laptop, and I try to work on my writing. It’s hard, though, knowing that I was not believed in therapy about some key elements of my story. I just wish people knew that I am absolutely understanding of the fact that other women had different pressures put on them than me. When I told my cousin that my first boyfriend and I wanted 7 kids, she grabbed my hair and slammed my head against the wall. I got away from her and kicked her in the crotch and she grabbed my hair again. Then she forgot about the 7 kids and told me to cut my fucking hair or she would. At the time, my hair went all the way down my back. There was another time that she assaulted me that she spit in my face. That’s actually more disgusting than you think. 

What would eventually happen was that, of course, I would end up working at the child abuse shelter in Arizona. I would contract lice from the kids and it would be too difficult to comb them out of waist-length hair. So I cut it. It was also too infested to donate to a wig maker. With short “boy hair”, I was able to comb the lice out successfully. My major haircut was only a few days after the 9/11 attacks. I was watching rescue attempts at ground zero when my long ponytail was cut off. It was probably 9/14 or 15 😢. 

I wish I could be the type of woman who is believed and who “deserves” to be heard, etc. Then maybe I could go get help for some of my trauma responses. Writing my book, The Child Advocate has made me realize the astronomical amount of things I’ve been through working with children, elderly, and disabled people in precarious circumstances. I’ve absorbed a lot of *their* trauma as well. Normal people can go to therapy and unload this and be validated. I can’t. That makes writing hard. 

So I don’t know what else to do with my down time at work if I want to not doze and get healthy sleep at home. I do not want to bring any sewing projects whatsoever, because I’m afraid the nastiness of the house will embed into my sewing projects. 

The good news is I got an amazing paycheck and bought a couch for our living room with a hide a bed!!  I have a hide a bed couch at my mom’s house in Houston, but it was lest cost and hassle to just get a new one. Previously, there was no couch in our living room, just a table and chairs. Now when Anna comes, she can spend the night!  

Kevin reiterated several times that I never got a paycheck that big when I worked at his workplace. He does, because he makes a salary. (He’s a supervisor).  But I was hourly, and I reminded him that I did get paychecks like this when we had a lot of hours. I knew it was not what he meant. He meant that this is more steady. I know, and I’m honestly still jealous as fuck of him being on the Austin crew. The Austin crew seems so much more chill than the Houston crew. But not only are they fully staffed with my husband on board, but my husband is actually so extremely proud of me for other jobs I’ve had that aren’t working with him. He doesn’t really understand the astronomical amount of trauma and burden I uncovered by writing about it. 

So since I’m trauma blocked from writing on my down time, and the dozing interferes with my  regular sleep at home, the only other option is to doom scroll. I try to “positive scroll” but it inevitably turns to doom scrolling. 

I can’t wait for my next big paycheck. They’re a plus!!

Blue Texas 🧞‍♂️🌊🫐

Well, I didn’t think a Democrat sweep of Texas was possible!  I always thought Texas was rigged Republican. I also didn’t think it was possible since, for the past two years, they’ve been saying “we are in a dictatorship now”. 

What never fails is the opposite side acting like the whole country is over.  One of my friends posted this:

I wanted to say, “Quit being dramatic.”  

But I stayed out of it. 

A lot of sad and pissed off texans are blaming “Californians moving to Texas”. However, I don’t know anyone from California here. All the Californians I know never ventured past Arizona, and they all strongly dislike Texas. 

We’ll see how this plays out. I’m not into politics. Not at all. But I do lean left. I am so not into politics that I couldn’t remember Abbott’s name, and I’m still not sure what office Talarico won. 

I did get a very big paycheck today!  

I also bought a couch!  It’s coming on Friday the 13 th 

 

Can’t Find This in Houston

 Somehow I ended up on “new in Austin” TikTok, and I especially like this one guy who goes to people’s homes and buys food they make at home. There are so many people here who do this- they make a specialty at home, then sell it and you can pick it up at their home. The comments are full of people worrying about the health department, but this seems so prevalent here that it must be ok with the health department. Here is his latest video, and I really want to buy that plate from that lady!  Everyone he buys from is linked in the description. 

35 Years Ago Today

 Art is by Mary from WorshipInk in Huntsville, Alabama. 

On October 30th, 1991, I was in 8th grade at a Baptist Christian school, even though I was growing up in a Greek Orthodox family. It was my first year outside of public schools, and I was getting used to the culture shock of church services with angry preachers speaking English instead of chanting and rituals mostly in Greek. On that day, I did the thing that evangelicals like my school believed to be the most important decision of one’s life, but that my family’s denomination didn’t believe in or ever talk about- I accepted Jesus Christ as my personal lord and savior. 

Even though my parents saw my decision as unnecessary because I’d been baptized as an infant, they still saw it as me leaving their church. It would cause animosity between my mother and I for decades, even though she was the adult who enrolled me in that school. 

Over the next two years, I accepted Christ 85 more times, because our preachers at school had a propensity to convince you that you “weren’t really saved”. So I would go on a roller coaster of getting saved again and again. I know I did it 86 times, because I kept a diary. However, 10/30/1991 was the first time, so it’s the only anniversary I keep. 

Do I still believe in the same thing I did at age 13? No. I’m no atheist though. I’ll get into the evolution of my beliefs later. (Maybe). Some think I shouldn’t commemorate this “anniversary” because what they did at that school was essentially abuse. However, I still do, because it’s a huge part of my story. Our hardships and trauma shape us. 

Mom Daughter Lunch Date

I drove to San Marcos yesterday to take Anna to lunch. The hair is green now!  It’s a part of her Halloween costume. She told me she’s going brown again after Halloween. 

After lunch, I went back to her place and got to visit the black cat formerly known as Jordan. A while back, Anna asked me if she could have him. She was going to take Alex, but changed her mind and wanted Jordan because he is young, only about 18 months old. She then renamed him Tommy, because her roommate’s cat is Jerry. She kind of needed a pet for her mental health, and her dad and stepmom wouldn’t let her have one of theirs. I paid her pet deposit and bought her all the supplies. 

Here’s Tom duking it out with Jerry. 

Here’s a flashback picture of Anna at age 5. Facebook said this picture was posted 14 years ago today. It must have been the first day cold enough for a jacket and gloves. 

 

Kid Choking

 I just wanted to take a minute to try and raise more awareness about the story going viral right now. An 8 year old girl choked to death at school six months ago, and her parents are now exposing the surveillance footage from the school. I think they waited this long, because the Texas Rangers were investigating. This is the clip I can find that best describes what happened in the footage, but it doesn’t show all the footage. 

When I worked with kids in Arizona 25 years ago, I had a one year old toddler choke on a piece of a toy that broke off in his mouth. I didn’t do the Heimlich on him. I held him semi upside down and hit his back twice. The piece of toy came flying out. When I picked him up to give him the back thrusts, I sort of left my body for a whole minute. I was very dissociated but still hit his back. I thought I would do it wrong. 

One misconception about choking is that they “can’t cough”. They can!  The only benefit of the doubt that I would give that staff member based on that video is that she thought a person can’t cough if they’re choking. 

That video didn’t show all the footage. Adrian also went up to 3-4 other lunchroom staff members. Their body language said to me that they thought she was misbehaving. They all seemed like they didn’t give a damn and even seemed sort of abusive. The first staff member sort of pushed her towards the trash can. It looked bad to me. I saw a comment online that said “They hated her.”  Maybe 🤷🏻‍♀️ 

Adrian Thompson was 8 years old when she died six months ago. At the time of her death, she had a 3 month old baby brother who is now 9 months old.  Her dad posted a TikTok of her meeting him for the first time. She was very gentle, loving, and crying happy tears. I can’t find it now, but here is one from her mom. 😢 

I just wanted to say, that someone who is choking might be able to cough. If they are, then give them back thrusts. If that fails, Do the Heimlich maneuver. If it’s a toddler that you can flip upside down, then do that. 

Another thing I wanted to say is to please have a more positive view of the kids in your care, whether they are your own or you’re working with them. Do not always assume bad intent. Get yourself onto their level and meet their needs. Anticipate their needs. Get rid of thoughts that they might be “testing your limits” or “manipulating you”. Ask yourself what they might need that they aren’t getting. It just seems to me that these staff members at Velma Penny Elementary School were hateful towards the kids and didn’t care. 

RIP Adrian. 

Swiffer Fun and Dreading Losses

This is the swiffer pad after I mopped half of the grouphome with it.

Looking at how dirty the pad is is the funnest part of swiffer-ing imo.  

I replaced the pad and did the long hall and their bathroom. The second pad wasn’t this dirty after that -

I would say the second pad was 75% as dirty as this one. 

Tonight, I just grabbed all the throw blankets around the living room, the kitchen towels and potholders and washed them all in one load, with hot water.  A lot of them had crusty old food. 

It just seems like no one ever cleans or does anything here. And night staff is generally supposed to. So I try to.  

The supervisor here lost her husband unexpectedly, and she blames energy drinks. If she sees you with one, she’ll start preaching against them. She claims he drank five or six of them a day. Holy crap.  That’s $400-$500 a month. Plus, he paid with his life. ☹️ I only have one a day at most and almost never finish the can. For this reason I only get the small cans. She didn’t say what size cans he’d get. Still I try not to let her see me with one, because losing her husband was obviously very traumatic. Even if I throw my can away, I bury it with other trash.  Or I wrap it in toilet paper like it’s a sanitary napkin. It really must suck to lose your spouse.  People warn women all the time to “have a plan”  and I do- I have five or six backup plans that ironically, those same people who give that advice wouldn’t approve of.  But what would I do with the extreme sadness that would come over me if I lost Kevin?  The “have a plan” advice is usually only financial, not regarding grief. I can’t go to therapy, obviously.  I just have to think about it starting now, even if it doesn’t happen for decades still.  I can’t imagine trying to go to grief counseling if I lost Kevin and the therapist got judgy with me for marrying my supervisor.  I would lose my mind.  My supervisor’s husband died only a year ago (maybe less, I don’t know exactly when)  I can imagine you never get over it.  

Honestly, I would probably buy a van and do my own little personal tour of the lower 48 and do my side jobs, the retail apps. One of the apps, iVueit, posted on their facebook page a couple who is RVing across the country and doing iVueit along the way. That’s nice!!!!  Seeing new places is very healing, honestly. But- I wouldn’t take off if I had grandchildren by then. I’d stick around for them. Or, I’d make the trip not as long as if I didn’t have grandkids yet. 

Maybe I’d go in one direction, then come back and do grandma stuff then take off in another direction, come back for grandma stuff again, etc. If I make it to all 48 states, I’ll then book two cruises- Hawaii and Alaska. 

Of course, I might die before Kevin, but statistically, he will. 

Another loss that I am dreading- who I’m most likely not going to die first- is my cat Alex. Alex is getting old and just acts like the cat version of a 100 year old man. I am going to lose my shit when he dies. He was a very good therapy cat when I was going through the worst time of my life.  He’s very loyal. I was cuddling with him today, and a feeling of dread came over me. I probably only have a year or two left with him honestly. When Anna graduates from college in 2029, he’ll probably already be gone. 

Which reminds me, I have to ask Anna her preference of notification if I find myself having to euthanize him. Does she want to know beforehand so she can say goodbye, or would she prefer me just telling her after the fact?  We haven’t had that conversation. I dread so much about loss.