The fact that gift card boss called me the damage control is going to my head a lot. I love it. My husband and my daughter told me to ask for a raise. Her cap pay rate is $2 more than I make now. I could ask for that and get it. 

I have been HEAVILY conditioned to never negotiate or ask for a raise. The “no one will ever hire you” narrative was strong with me. I was taught that if I ever asked for a raise, I’d be fired immediately and replaced with someone who will do it for less. Negotiating higher pay during n an interview was absolutely out of the question in my upbringing. If I ever did that, I just wouldn’t get the job. When gift card boss hired me, she had already hired me before discussing wages. She was LITERALLY prompting me to ask for more. She was. She’s not going to fire me and replace me immediately if I ask. She also just said she wishes she could clone me. 

I still have a lot of “dread” about going to see the racist guy tomorrow (Remember, he saw me and said “finally a white girl), not sure why I am experiencing the dread when I already met his family. I usually have this level of day before dread with new clients. 

Reminds me of the meme. “Do a rep for every lie you believed”. Haha. I’d be ripped. 

There’s another thing I want to mention. I’ve been married one year and one month. People always tell women who get married, “Have a plan for when he dies or leaves you.”  That’s good advice!  I also think you should have back up plans in case literally anything else doesn’t work out. But, the times I’ve been told this lately, I feel like I’ve explained Plans B, C, D, E, F and G and they all get shut down. Most of the back up plans I’ve mentioned are things I’ve done before and was successful at. I hate being told to have a plan, and then getting six whole plans criticized as if they aren’t good ideas. 

Then last night, I tried to tell my husband, “Let’s..” and then suggested he come with me to do some of the “if he died or left me” things. He actually said maybe if his mother was to die before his stepfather, and his stepfather wanted us to move out of the guest house. That’s actually more likely to happen than him leaving me any time soon, so maybe I gave him some ideas. 

As far as writing, I’m still doing the spiral notebook with the skipping five lines. I am working on three major writing projects. Only one of them is The Child Advocate. 

I Had The Last Laugh

 It’s only about 40 days until my daughter Anna turns 19 years old. (And oh yeah that must mean that it’s the 19th anniversary of the disappearance of Madeline McCann), but I was thinking today how, when it comes to motherhood, I really had the last laugh. 

I started working in a daycare as a teacher’s aide when I was 16. In order to keep that job, I had to take child development at my high school during Saturday school. Saturday school was from 8-noon and could be either detention, or classes for kids who were behind or wanted to get ahead. That used to make me say I wanted to have kids someday, and I got a lot of opposition to that. I think most people my age and younger did. The exception would have been if they were devout Catholics or Mormon. 

When I think of how it ended up, there are just so many things I could bring up about my daughter and my experience raising her. Let’s start with the fact that I was one and done. Isn’t that the next best thing to being child free?  (I guess to some it is, and some it’s not).  But I waited until I was 28 to get pregnant, and I got an IUD right after my 6 week postpartum exam. Contraceptives have always worked for me. I went off one time, and that’s when I got her. My mom’s story with this issue was exactly the same. She stopped taking the pill one month, the next month she got me, and she also had an IUD right after I was born and was also one and done. 

Fast forward to today. My daughter Anna is studying at the University.  She’s a STEM major. She has been to four anti-ICE protests and two No Kings protests on her university campus this year. She is in the animal sciences club and has done service projects in groups at shelters and sanctuaries. She is coming back to town this summer, will split her time between me and her dad, and is most likely going to work as a camp counselor. 

She was volunteering at the local animal shelter in her father’s neighborhood starting at age 14. 14 year olds could volunteer only if a parent went with them, and I did. She started going alone at age 15. She has always put herself on the line to stick up for classmates being bullied. She doesn’t date, because she hasn’t found the right person, and that’s ok with her. She’s very emotionally intelligent and therapy savvy. She was an easy newborn, a hilarious toddler, and a smart and eager school kid  

I mean I really did win the lottery with her. This could never be said out loud, but I really wish I could go back in time and brag that I did everything right, even the things that were hard. 

Maybe if I had a second, third, fourth etc child, it wouldn’t have been great. When she was about a year old, I had a friend who was remembering her younger brother who died by suicide. She said once, she and her mom were sitting across a table, and her mom said that if she had known early in her pregnancy that his life would be so difficult, she would have had an abortion. I could see that. We wish we could go back and do a lot of things differently. As for me though, nothing with parenting would I have done differently. I would have had more kids- but only if they were guaranteed to come out equally as wonderful. 

But then again, assuming this about any future kids I had is just wrong. They also could have been great just like Anna. I always had to assume things about different aspects of life that were just assumptions I made to pacify someone else’s narrative 

Freaky Friday

 I went to see this new client today with “bad caregiver experiences”. His daughter opened the door and had attitude immediately. I sighed, but didn’t let her see me sigh. She didn’t leave for work until about an hour after I got there, and in that hour’s time, I did my damage control Magick, and she was talking to me cordially. She pointed to a closed door and said, “We’re in the process of moving my son into that room.”  Across the hall from that door was her dad’s room. She introduced me to him, and he said, “Ugh finally a white girl.”  Oh gosh. Now that begs the question. Were they bad caregivers, or is he racist?  Both things can be true. His daughter later apologized for that comment and said, “It’s the generation.”  I told her I understand, but in my experience, most elderly people who are racist will at least try and hide it. 

About four hours later, I was rinsing dishes, turned around, and there was a creepy bald guy about 30 years old just standing there awkwardly staring at me. I did not hear or see him come in. I immediately screamed bloody murder.  The guy said, “Hello!  I live here! Didn’t mean to scare you!”  I would have gotten a kitchen knife if the old man hadn’t said, “That’s my grandson.”  Oh- I remembered his daughter had told me they were moving her son into the one bedroom. I guess I just assumed her son wasn’t currently in the house. 

I apologized for screaming. At 1:00 pm, the old man’s granddaughter showed up to take over. She is his caregiver until the evening and probably gets paid through one of those agencies that does all the paperwork to allow people to get paid to care for family members. 

As of right now, 6:00 pm on Friday, I am scheduled with him next week on Monday, Wednesday and Friday from 7:00 am-1:00 pm. I think that’s when his granddaughter has classes?  I could be wrong, but those are our only hours with him. I was actually kind of hoping they’d call GCboss and be like “nah we don’t like the white girl either.”  But it’s ok. I should buy a shirt that says Damage Control. 

I dislike that I’m doing this with my life again, but it is what it is. I do not know what else to do with my life anymore. I recently found out that someone at the company I used to work for (that my husband still works for) actually said I called out once a week when called for my references. That is a lie. However, it didn’t prevent me from finding employment, nor do I have access to old timesheets or schedules that can prove that isn’t true. Even if I did try to do something about what I heard they said, they might retaliate against my husband if I do. I was really shocked when I found this out, because for so long I thought things were going great there. 

I do have to eventually redo my resume so that it leaves the inventory service completely off. That sucks. At least I met a husband there. 

I’m The Damage Control

 First of all, my 89 year old client is home from the ER and doing ok. I will see her this Saturday and Sunday. 

On Monday, I worked 11-7, and by 4:45 pm there was still no schedule for the rest of the week. So I texted gift card boss, “Am I working tomorrow?”  She responded, “I’m still working on the schedule, but I have you off tomorrow and Wednesday.” 

Ok great!  I was relieved, especially after having to call EMS on Sunday. Then Tuesday morning at 8:04 am, gift card boss texts me asking if I would work with a man with XYZ health condition who wants Monday, Wednesday and Friday for six hour shifts. I wanted to cry. I then told her that I was busy helping my husband the next two days (which is JUST when she said my days off would be), but after that yes. She scheduled me tomorrow which is Friday with him and also on Monday the 4th. I read his notes, and it says he had a private pay caregiver several months ago that was abusive. They apparently also had a problem with someone gift card boss sent. She copy pasted a text from his daughter letting her know what they wanted, and the whole thing was snarky and kind of bitchy, including saying “someone who knows how to follow instructions on a frozen meal.”  

I started getting the dread, but who knows he might be awesome. I had the dread before I met the poodle couple too, but they were awesome. Then yesterday, I was venting to my husband about it through tears. It really is hard on me to go see different people all the time. He tried to compare it to inventory, going to different stores all the time. I don’t have to explain what an inaccurate comparison that is- going into people’s homes and caring for them is obviously way different than doing inventory. I didn’t rub this in to my husband, though. He already always says he could never be a caregiver. I know he can’t!  In fact once he asked me what things to I have to do for one of them, and I started the basic to do list with “well I empty the catheter-“ and he was like 🤚 ok that’s enough information. 

Then after the vent, I get another text from GCboss talking about May 9. It’s hard to imagine May 9 on April 29 when every day changes so much. I asked, “is it someone I’ve worked with before?” She said no so I texted asking if I could call really Quick and she said sure. 

I basically mentioned tactfully that I have gone to see a lot of new clients in the about 3 months that I’ve worked there. I kind of asked why and then asked if clients didn’t like me and were asking her not to send me back. She said, “No, the opposite actually.”  She explained that when her clients have a bad experience with another caregiver and tell her not to send that person back, she sends me because she knows I can make a good rescue-impression. Then, she called me the damage control. 

Now, that’s wild to me. I am expected to assume the worst about myself. I’m expected to see myself as the damage, not the damage control. As a matter of fact, it’s too bad this was a phone conversation and not over text. I would have screenshotted it for the haters. 

Sad Stuff

 I went in to see my “usual” 89 year old client, whom I’ve gotten kind of attached to. She and I chit chat like we are old buddies. So to make a long story short, there’s an issue. She called the nurse with the issue when I was with her yesterday. The on call nurse said to take two certain medications, so I gave them to her. Today, the issue had not been resolved, so she called the on call nurse again- who now said to go to the ER. So I had to call 911 and get an ambulance. They came and took her, I tidied up her place a bit, and left at 10:15 or so. Gift card boss said I’m still getting paid until noon, but even if I wasn’t, that’s ok. 

I googled the potential issue that the on call nurse said it might be, and it’s a fatal problem. If it is indeed this problem, she has a very short time left on this earth. But we don’t know that it’s that, there need to be imaging to confirm. 

I came home and did a couple of chores before Kevin was expected to get home from Louisiana this evening. Then I crapped out and fell asleep for a few hours. I realized that I fell asleep after starting laundry, so had to rewash it. Kevin got home at about 7:45. 

I would have rather been with him at the Cajun grocery stores than getting attached to another elderly person the last few months and losing them. But it is what it is, and things happen for a reason. 

I wish I could find a therapist to process things with. I emailed a couple more on psychology today, and they haven’t gotten back to me. I hate feeling rejected by therapists. It’s ten times worse than getting rejected after a job interview. Actually, it may be 50 times worse. 

I have to get back to the grind tomorrow with the 11am-7pm couple really far away with the poodle that they call “the baby” and “our youngest daughter.”  Actually, what do I mean “back to the grind”?  Wasn’t I already in the grind?  I only worked an hour and 15 minutes today and slept most of the day, but I was extremely drained. I was so drained that 8 hours with them tomorrow will be less draining. 

Tidbits

 I stepped on the scale this morning, and it said 200.0 so I’ve lost about 6 pounds. I feel like I’m just losing boobs, and that’s it. But weight loss isn’t the number one goal. The number one goal is to make my muscles feel better. And boy do they!!!

Weight loss is the #2 goal.

I only worked 3 hours this morning with my “regular” 89 year old client that requests me all the time.  I put regular in quotes because of musical schedules.  It was all overtime! This was my first time getting overtime with gift card boss.  

Then, I went to yet another location of fitness connection.  I went to the women’s only workout room.  I did about 5,000 steps on an incline on the treadmill.  (My step count was already at 5,000 when I got there.)  Then I did “hip abduction” and “hip adduction” machines, one arm/chest press machine, two leg machines and the ab crunch machine.  

I came home and did some housework including a complete sweeping of the house, starting in all corners and detailed sweeping all to the middle of the living room.  My daughter has always been super good at this chore and would get $10 for it whenever I wanted it done. But she won’t be home for a couple weeks! 😭 

That’s one of the things about an empty nest.  You have to do their chores now. 

I did it all before work!! 🏋️‍♂️ 🏃🏻‍♀️

This is what my doctor replied in the patient portal when I messaged him last night about the Walmart pharmacist’s unhinged phone call. 

I also told him that I transferred my other prescriptions to HEB.  It seems like HEB will fill it with no problem,

But wow that phone call came out of nowhere. The most they may have me do is show my ID. 

This morning, I went to the gym at 5:30 am. I’m looking for a new gym, but still have this membership. I did 7,500 steps on the treadmill and five machines. Only four of the machines was I successfully able to do 3-4 reps of 8-12. The machine below was a fail. You are lying flat on your back and doing crunches. No thanks, at least not yet. I’m better off on the regular a machine where you pull up and your elbows and knees kind of crunch together. 

The other machines that I did were ones I’ve never done before. This location was set up in such a way that you could see the machines from the treadmill area. So I could watch people on certain machines and then step off the treadmill to go do my reps on it whenever they were finished. 

This gym day combined with my park day yesterday have me feeling really great. My arms, legs, and core definitely feel like that awful feeling was pushed out. Yes I told the doc this yesterday, and he said “Working out helps everything.”  Mind you, he said the muscle thing was “anxiety.”  It’s not. It’s a physical issue. 😊