I’m getting married two weeks from tomorrow. Kevin will be my second husband, but he’s actually the fourth time I’ve found love.
When I was 18, I had my first boyfriend. Two years prior, I started working my first job in a daycare center and decided when I was 16 that someday I would have a large family. My first boyfriend agreed- we said we would get married and have 5-7 kids. Of course, this met with a lot of opposition. In the 90’s, an 18 year old young woman was absolutely not allowed to say her goal was to get married and have kids. Not even “someday”. You had to focus on school and career. I never did want to only be a housewife, though. I always wanted to work outside the home. It didn’t matter- I was under so much pressure that I broke up with my first boyfriend. About a month later, I tried to get back together with him. But he refused. He said I had hurt him too much, and that if I wasn’t sure, then we couldn’t go through with it. It was even the religious people at our church that were opposed to us. They said “God’s will wasn’t our will”. We broke up in April of the year 2000 when we were 21 years old. A year and a half later when 9/11 happened, I was feeling emotional and got back in contact with him. His entire personality had changed from an easygoing sweetheart to very paranoid, and he very outspoken about his belief that 9/11 was an “inside job”. He was believing all sorts of other conspiracies too that I didn’t get, such as our food being poisoned and whatnot. I wondered what happened to him. Was it me? I don’t know. His parents were also very abusive.
A few years later, I had moved from Arizona to Houston and I met my first husband who is the father of my daughter. We met on a site called “The Christian Cafe”. When we were dating and newlyweds before our daughter arrived, I remember just liking his company. I don’t think I was ever in “love” with my daughter’s father. But I did admire him. He is a genius. He built computers and was a mechanic for a living. He had a car that he was actually building himself, and we had this video game arcade thing that he built himself from stuff he salvaged. But the entire time, I felt like I was doing something wrong by being with him. All of the harassment and fierce opposition to the idea of me having a family in my first relationship made me hold back some. I went off of birth control for only one month to “give my body a break”, and instantly became pregnant with my daughter. I told myself and others that I just went off to “give my body a break”, but I know deep down that it’s because I really wanted a baby. But it had been only seven years or so since people were literally telling me that the almighty himself didn’t want me having a family. Because of that, I assumed I would miscarry. I kept expecting the signs, and when I got to my third trimester, I assumed she’d be a stillborn. When I was in labor, I dissociated so badly that I just didn’t believe I was having a baby. The doctors and nurses would tell me my numbers and how far I was progressing, and I just thought they were making it up. The moment she was born, I lost my faith in the Christian god, at least the 90’s/early 2000’s American suburban evangelical version of him. They told me this all powerful god didn’t want me having a child and there I was with a healthy, loud, crying and breathing baby on my chest. I said, “What’s that? Is that mine?” The nurse replied, “Of course it’s yours! No one else in here has been pushing the last X amount of minutes!” (Technically she was wrong, because my ex husband was there, and she was also his, and he was not pushing). But my point is that I just couldn’t believe it. The nurse asked me what her name was, and I told her the name. She replied, “Strong name for a strong girl.” My faith was totally shattered. But it was a good thing. For the next two years, it still lingered that I had this fear that I did the wrong thing by getting married and having a baby. I used to panic to death that god would punish my daughter for my choice to have her. I used to beg him to punish me instead. I was always very depressed. Then finally in November of 2009, when she was 2 years old, her father told me to go back and live with my parents- he wanted a separation because he could tell I wasn’t happy. I don’t think he truly understood that I had been heavily pressured to not have a family. After a while, he tried to “date” me again, but I still felt the effects from my first relationship. Our divorce was final in April of 2010. I did get my own place and stayed there with my daughter for several years. I don’t blame my ex husband for anything. He had his faults, and I had mine.
Right around the time that I was going through a divorce, I had joined facebook for the very first time. I got back in touch with so many of my old friends and family members! One of them was a man who had been my best friend in high school. We met when we were sophomores. He had been my science lab partner, and he often walked me home from school even though he had to backtrack to do it. We were never romantically involved in high school. But we were basically best friends, and even had classes together in community college after high school and would hang out and see each other in the “student lounge”, finally losing touch about a year after graduation from high school. When we got back in touch on Facebook in 2009, I had just broken up with my ex husband, and he had just gotten married and had his first child on the way. We only chatted briefly. He told me congratulations on my daughter, and I told him the same about his baby girl on the way. His daughter was born in 2010, and 18 months later, he posted the birth of his son and introducing his 18 month old daughter to her new baby brother. This was late 2011. He started chatting with me very soon after the birth of his son saying that he was leaving his wife because she cheated on him. He was also waiting on paternity results to see if the baby boy was his. Thank heavens he was his- but his wife still wanted to be with the other guy and they divorced. He immediately confessed that he had a crush on me since the first day he saw me on the first day of school in grade 10. I was like- really?? Are you serious? Because my mother and aunts were convinced at the time that no boy would ever be interested in me at all. They thought that highly of me, sarcasm intended. As he went through his divorce and custody battle and won full custody of both kids, we chatted a lot. I was volunteering as a CASA (volunteer child advocate in the courts) at the time as well as working full time at the museum. Because of my work with Casa, he sent me confidential documents from the court hearings. It was a little intimidating, because these were none of my business but I gave whatever advice I had anyway. After his divorce was final, my mom bought me a plane ticket to Phoenix to go visit him and agreed to watch my daughter. He met me at the airport with a large bouquet of flowers, kissed me on the lips, and as we walked through the Phoenix airport to his car, we couldn't stop stepping aside to kiss. Finally some old dude said, “Get a room!” We laughed out loud and hurried to his car. We had a wonderful affair and I met his kids and absolutely fell in love with them. At that time, their mother was still seeing them very seldomly, but she eventually just stopped visitation and completely abandoned them. When it was time for me to go back to Houston, we agreed that we would “end it”. But over the next decade or so, we would be on again and off again, with a constant understanding that we were not a “real couple” with a “real relationship.” The fact that I had worked doing retail audits and could do them anywhere in the country sort of made me end up in Phoenix more times than I could count. It was exhilarating to do the jobs all the way west, until I got to Phoenix. Then rendezvous with him, bring his kids cheap plastic crap that they would go absolutely bananas over, and then do more jobs all the way east on the other route. Even before he came back into my life, I loved road tripping from Houston to Phoenix (and vice versa). The gradual but extreme scenery change brings me joy I can’t explain. From 2020-2022, I made very good money doing that, and I considered his kids my “stepkids” even though I knew we’d never really be together. After all, they didn’t have a mom, and I didn’t have the second, third, etc children I always wanted. At the end of 2022, the audit jobs weren’t paying as awesome as they were during the pandemic. I called him on the phone one night and said I need to get a “real job” now, but I didn’t know what to do at all. I said that my life used to be so much better, and he made me list things I “used to do” that made my life better. I listed a few things that I used to do that made my life better than it was at that point, and one of them was that I had worked for this inventory service. He said, “Why don’t you go back to doing that?” I said, “They probably aren’t even around anymore”. When I worked for them from 2002-2005, they constantly talked about shutting the company down and everyone was always panicking. He stopped speaking for a moment and I wondered if he was still on the line. He was- he was googling the company and said yes, they are still in business. Why don’t you call them, he said, and ask if they will hire you back after 17 years? I sighed. It was a long shot, but I called. It was the same phone number, but there was an answering service. I said I used to work for them years ago and wondered if I could come back. He sounded weird, but he took my information, and I just kind of put it out of my head. But a week later, the new boss of the company (who started after left and didn’t know me) called and hired me over the phone. He told me to meet a guy named Kevin on January 2, 2023 and I would ride with him to the bolivar peninsula to work at a store inventory there. I worked with Kevin for an entire six months. I had a crush on him the entire time, but repressed it. For about four of those months, it was just me and him doing stores. I just always thought he was so cute. I would still talk to my “non boyfriend” in Arizona. For the entire decade that Arizona man and I had our on and off relationship that wasn’t a real relationship, I never minded that we weren’t a “real couple”, because I always felt I was not allowed to have one anyway. In July of 2023, the inventory company lost their main account, and I was left with a schedule of only 8 hours a week that really was too spread out to do much of the side jobs to make up for lost income. So I sent an email to the ceo on July 1, 2023, resigning due to just needing more hours. From January to about May, I made good money there but June was rough and the July schedule just made me quit.
After I sent her that email, I started to drive home. I saw that she responded so I pulled over to a gas station to read her response. She wanted me to stay, and that made me feel good, but I just needed more income. I then pulled out of that gas station and something happened that made a woman charge after me, committing very serious road rage. Maybe I was upset about having just quit my job and did a shitty driving move, who knows. But I thought this lady had a gun and was going to kill me. She was trying to hit my car, and I was swerving and speeding like hell to get away from her. Finally I got on a highway frontage road with about ten cars between me and her, and I made a U-turn and lost her. I didn’t even go home. I got on I-10 west to run away to Phoenix to my non-boyfriend and stepkids. I sped and sped down 10 west because my heart was beating so fast. I got to San Antonio in an hour less time than it usually takes to get there. I did jobs all over San Antonio. Then I bought a book on audible about real estate investing and just drove and drove to west Texas, not stopping to do any jobs. Just listening to the real estate investing audiobook, knowing that I’m too poor to ever be a “real estate investor” but it was interesting to me and I wanted to learn. On the third of July I checked into a motel off right off of the trans mountain highway in El Paso, Texas. I paid for three nights. I just needed to stay there for a while and do things on my laptop. I needed to refresh my resume and cover letters. I also did a lot of writing my book. I took a lot of baths between writing cover letters, resumes, and scenes in my book. I did laundry at the motel and vacuumed my car. I went to Walmart and bought Totino’s pizza rolls and frozen egg rolls for the room. I went to the desk and paid for a fourth night. Those 4-5 days in the motel in El Paso were a very nice reset. I would just write and bathe, write, bathe, heat up egg rolls, write some more. My Arizona non boyfriend knew I was on the way but that I needed this break in El Paso to spend time on indeed and on my book. On the fourth day in the motel, Kevin texted me asking me if I wanted a ride to work the next day. The only job I had scheduled for that week was the next day, but Kevin had not been notified that I quit. So I told him in a reply. He replied back that he wished me luck in whatever I do next. I texted back thank you and then just got this whole new wave of emotion that I didn’t expect- I was like God Dammit. I’m going to miss Kevin. It was a whole new emotion I didn’t expect after being upset at my huge cut in hours, almost getting killed in a road rage incident, learning real estate investing even though I can’t afford it and so on.
When I checked out of the motel at about 5 am on the 5th day, I headed for Phoenix, a 6 hour drive from El Paso. This time was different. I wasn’t stopping to make money doing retail audit jobs, I just wanted to get there. I wanted to see him and be with him and I was depressed again. At about 11:30 am as I was driving through Casa Grande, Arizona (with only 30 miles left to get to his house), it was a Friday morning, and my phone rang. It was a caregiving company wanting to interview me Monday at 10:00 am. It was one of the jobs I applied for on indeed during my reset in the El Paso motel. She asked me a few questions on the phone and then scheduled me. I didn’t tell her I was arriving in Arizona 16 hours away. I just said thank you, I’ll see you Monday. I called him, said I’d be at his house in 30 minutes, but that could only stay one night because I had to hit the road the next morning in order to spend the weekend getting back to Houston for my interview. He was disappointed, but that was ok. So I got there, and spent the night with them for the last time. As I spent the weekend on the road getting back to Houston for my Monday morning interview, I still listened to real estate investing. They hired me on the spot to care daily for the most lovely 91 year old woman. She was a lovely soul who was every caregiver’s dream client. During the months that I took care of her, I started missing Kevin more and I started sending him really flirty stuff. I felt like I was being sort of rebellious while doing it. He would always respond about 12-24 hours later. I assumed at some point he would block me if I kept flirting with him. When we worked together, I knew he was not married, but he gave me the impression that he was anti- relationship, and of course that was nothing new to me. Eventually our flirty texts turned into sharing YouTube videos of songs we liked and real conversations. In about September or October of 2023, he asked me out on a date. I was like- I assumed you would block me for flirting with you, and you asked me out.
I was honest the entire time with my Arizona non-boyfriend about dating him. At first, he seemed like he thought it wouldn’t work out and I would run back to him, but that didn’t happen. When I told him that Kevin and I were official boyfriend and girlfriend, he was accepting of it but seemed to have the same mopey mood he had when his dog died. I felt like I was dumping him, but I wasn’t because we weren’t a “real relationship”. After all I wasn’t really supposed to want a man- was I?
Being with Kevin has felt like I have jumped timelines and entered a parallel universe where everyone around me is ok with the fact that I have a romantic partner. A real one. Only one friend gave me hell for it, and I just cut her out of my life, just like that. I wonder what changed? Is it my age? At some point, the world around me became ok with this and I don’t have to feel bad or sorry. Is it because I was 18-21 with my first boyfriend and in my 40’s now? That’s what my mom says. She mentions that it’s because of my life experiences. I worked with abused kids, cared for elderly and held hands of some dying people, traveled to nine other states to do audits and saw parts of this country I could have never imagined. I think everyone around me just believes that I had to have all these experiences first before getting married or having a family. I love that I’m not experiencing the hell I did in past relationships, but I wonder why I had to wait until my life is half over to find true love and stay with it.
When Kevin let me into his house for the first time, he showed me that it had a horrible foundation problem and was falling down around him. He said his house was his prison. To make a long story short, I told him about investors that will buy anything. He didn’t think they would. But I hooked him up with one, and he was freed from his nightmare house. After that we moved in together. I realized that that must have been the reason I felt drawn to learn about investors. My client passed away, and I almost immediately went back to the inventory service with him. By now they had way more clients and I had all these hours in the world. Now we are getting married in two weeks. I really can’t believe it. We keep hugging and holding each other and saying can you believe it. We are actually getting married???
What happened? My life was pretty hellish for a while. Now I am in such a good place. How?
You might ask, do I still talk to the Arizona non boyfriend? I check on his kids about once a month. In the beginning, his daughter called me from her own phone crying and asked why I wasn’t going to come and see them anymore. She asked with sassiness, “Is it because you have a new boyfriend?” She doesn’t understand that her dad and I want different things. How do you explain that to an autistic teenager? She has called me on her own at weird times before and each time I had to tell her dad. People always say, don’t date single parents because of their baggage. But children are a blessing. They aren’t a burden. What no one tells you about dating single parents is that when you break up with them, you also break up with the kids. You lose more people. It’s twice/ three times the pain. But did her father and I really “break up”? What were we? A decade of ups and downs, nothing real or genuine, but that was ok with me because I felt so unable to be allowed to love a man anyway?
He and I have definitely moved on from talking every day like we did pre-Kevin to monthly kid updates. I told him about the wedding on 3/24, and he told me congratulations and that he’s happy I have what I want and always dreamed of. I want his kids to know I’m always here if they need me. I don’t think they know that. I pray they do in the years to come. Them and their dad always have a place in my heart. After my wedding, I plan on sending their dad wedding pics along with this meme:
Except in his case, there were a few scattered chapters across the timeline of my life. He was there for me in high school as a much needed friend. If it’s true that souls plan things before they come to earth, then he and I must have sat down and planned all kinds of scattered interactions throughout life.
My job now is to not let what happened before happen with Kevin. I catch myself bargaining with god like I did when my daughter was a baby. The other day I caught myself asking god to not punish me for falling in love with my supervisor and marrying him. I told god that I would leave Kevin if he wanted me to, just please don’t strike me with some aggressive cancer or car accident as a punishment. Then I caught myself. I can’t leave Kevin what the hell am I thinking? I love him too much, and we’ve been through so many good things together that I can’t imagine ever hurting him like that. I realize now how much I hurt my daughter’s father by feeling like I was doing something wrong by being with him. I just need to let go of all of that and take the dive. Steven Curtis Chapman said, “There is no going back once my feet have left the ledge, so come on let’s go!” I’m just going to have to say, if my fears come true and I get some kind of punishment from god for this than let it happen because I’m not ever leaving this man and I am so damn proud of my daughter- who will be a legal adult in three short months! My life has been hard, but at the same time I have had some wonderful times. My daughter is amazing. What if I had had other children? How awesome would they have been? I was too afraid to have more children, and now I’m too old to- and I regret it. One time I asked my dad if he wished he had more kids other than me. He said that yes, he regretted only having me and wanted at least one more child. “But you know what?” He said. “It’s ok because we are waiting on you. We’re just waiting on grandkids,” and that was the only time in my life that anyone ever hinted that it was ok for me to have a family. I have two friends who have the same sentiment- regret of not having more kids, but just waiting on grandkids to sort of fill that “void” if you can call it that. I want to fully disclaim though that my daughter does talk a lot about wanting “three kids” someday. She loves kids, she has an infant cousin from her dad’s side that she babysits and she works with kids now as I did when I was her age. If she ever showed disdain for the idea of having kids or expressed not wanting any, then I would let it go. I’d never pressure her to do anything she did t want, but that’s a whole nother story.
Sorry for the long post and congratulations if you made it this far. I pray that I will enjoy what I can in whatever time I have left on this earth, be it one more day or fifty more years. I hope Kevin never feels unloved by me. I pray that my traumatic character arc in my life is over and that it gets better from here. I may not have gotten to have 7 kids, but I’m lucky to have had the love in my life that I did have.
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