Exposure/Response Prevention Therapy

I struggle a lot with weird compulsions. The most prominent one is that if someone tells me “bye” then I feel compelled to “cancel it out” by saying “see you later”. If I see anything disturbing, such as a billboard for MD Anderson cancer center, I grit my teeth to “cancel it out”. Lots of things I feel like I have to do seven times to feel “right” even if only once does the trick (such as locking my car or turning off burners). I don’t turn the burners on and off seven times, I turn it to the left seven times if it’s already off. 

Most people would say this is classic OCD.  I always ran into trouble getting a diagnosis, though. From people thinking I “came from a good family” when I was younger to once I got older people thinking OCD required a hand washing compulsion that I don’t have, the actual formal label always eluded me. My current therapist, however, validated it immediately. “That’s classic OCD,” she literally said. Oh ok. I can only give so much credibility to labels when I spent so many decades as someone otherwise undeserving of help for whatever reason. 

My therapist also sent me a handout for exposure and response prevention therapy or ERP.

Now, someone pleas help me out with this if you can. Please hold my hand like I’m five and tell me what I’m missing. 

If I went to my conservative elderly uncle and said, “I’m struggling with this.” And described to him the compulsions, he’d likely say, “Just don’t do those things.”  And in response to that, what would any proponent of mental health care say?  They would say, “Don’t settle for someone telling you to just not do something! Go to a real therapist who is licensed in this sort of thing!”  

That sort of response suggests that the actual treatment for OCD compulsions contain something more. But just look over these two handouts and tell me-

Isn’t this just a professional way of telling someone “Just don’t do the thing”?  That’s all this method essentially is. Instead of going to some random family or friend and having them tell you “Just don’t do the thing”, you can pay a lot of money and have professionals tell you to just not do the thing. They might make it look prettier, but they’re literally just, that’s all they’re saying here. 

If I’m missing something, please comment and tell me what I’m missing!  I’m 100% open to learning!

 

Fruitful Day

 

I’m so happy that this little stinker adopted us as his forever family. I took him to the vet today.  No microchip!  He’s a boy, and he’s 6 months old. Very cool that his gotcha day being the winter solstice, the vet aging him at six months old puts his birthday at the summer solstice. This is a very magical cat. Between my husband, my daughter and I all shooting down each other’s name ideas, we finally decided that his name is Jordan. He got shots and will be neutered in January.   I adore this cat. He is just such a good boy. He’s happy, and he’s determined. We have been seeing him here and there. He always gave us a look of longing as if to say, “Will you guys please be my new mommy and daddy?”  

I put Anna’s latest selfie with purple hair up against the ChatGPT candy cane backdrop everyone is doing. She loves it and so do I. My mom thinks she was really in a Candy cane exhibit. 

Then I opened the merchandiser app to find that there was a merchandising job for Lume deodorant. These spray deodorants have faulty nozzles, but the deodorant still sprays out. They want to clear the shelves of it, so they’re reimbursing people for at least five bottles in one transaction. The more you buy, the better. And you’ll be reimbursed for whatever you buy. I also had to record inventory of each sku and merchandise the remaining products I didn’t buy. I am going to get full reimbursement plus $4. And that’s $75 worth right there. They smell nice. I’m giving some to my mom and daughter. My coworker is also on the merchandiser app and when she’s seen jobs like this, she’s asked “Why spend $75 to make $4?” (Or whatever numbers).  Because of the reimbursement, that’s why!  And if you need these products anyway, just like everyone needs deodorant, then you now will not be running out for a while. 

Cat Distribution System 🖤 🐈‍⬛ 🖤

We got home this evening from Llano, Texas, only to find we’ve been blessed by the cat distribution system. 

I’ve seen this cat around. I’ve wanted a black cat for years.  This one has been milling around the property we live on. It immediately jumped into our arms and insisted on going in our house. I had already decided to go Walmart shopping once I got home, and Kevin texted me on the way to get another liter box and more cat food. This cat is extremely friendly. I have a doctor appointment of my own tomorrow, and Kevin asked if I’d take it to the vet afterwards. We want to find out if it’s healthy, male or female, and if it’s microchipped. 

I then started scrolling TikTok and instantly realized that today was the winter solstice and during the festivities at Stonehenge, a black cat climbed the stones. 

I’m taking name suggestions!

 

2026 Goals

 I recently looked back on my blog post from December of 2024 when I set goals for 2025. The first thing I talked about was weight loss and how I wanted to do 10,000 steps a day. Haha, 10,000 steps a day definitely didn’t happen. My main weight loss happened in 2024, but it stayed the same this year. My step count has only been on average 2000-5000 steps a day, depending on work. My husband makes it a point to actually go to the park and walk. I simply don’t do that. I should. Usually when he goes, I just crap out on my bed and doom scroll. Doing that isn’t good for mental health either. 

I also said I wanted to pay off my car and that my hybrid would potentially need a new battery, which might impede my ability to pay the car itself off. Well, both of those goals were met this year. I paid the car off AND got it a new hybrid battery. 😪 

Absolutely no plans on selling that car any time soon. It has 222K miles on it, but the new battery made it run like almost new. 

For 2026 goals regarding health/step count and finances, I would say a realistic financial goal would be to get my total student loan balance down to four figures in 2026. A few months ago, I was serious about paying it down. Then, on the student loans subreddit, several (and I mean several) people started posting that they paid theirs off years ago, and are just now being notified that they owe crazy amounts. And these aren’t people who received any sort of forgiveness- these are people who paid it off with cash money. When I started seeing all those posts, I stopped caring so much about decreasing the balance considerably and only started decreasing it minimally. 

Since my weight plateaued for the entirety of 2025, I think I should definitely revisit the 10,000 step count. Yesterday when we got paid, I bought three extra audible credits and then three titles I was interested in. Because of that, I earned a $15 credit, so I used that on a fourth extra title. That should help with the walking. 

One of the audiobooks I got is called The Bullet Journal Method by Ryder Carrol. I was thinking about getting a planner for 2026, and keeping it on my desk. I really want to challenge the notion that I “can’t” keep a planner. I was told that my whole life, long before I was diagnosed with ADHD. Then when I got the ADHD diagnosis, there was crap everywhere with the message that people with ADHD can’t do planners. If I just keep it on my desk and remind myself that if life happens and I don’t bullet journal in the planner for a day or two I haven’t “failed at it”, then I can really conquer that belief about myself. 

I really really want to focus on getting better from anxiety. That’s the main thing that will solve many problems. I can’t believe that next month, it will be 12 years since I started having panic attacks. For about the first five years, it was extremely bad. Sometimes I wonder, what do I do if the extremely bad happens again?  What if I get really bad like that again?  Part of me assumes I would lose my job and that my husband would divorce me. Then I slow down and think of what actually helps my anxiety. Honestly, my job does, and my husband does. Having cared for children and elderly since I was basically a child myself, doing inventory is a nice, factual reprise from constant moral dilemmas. I told my manager once, there are no moral dilemmas in inventory. The count just is what it is. It’s also constant mental action. Quantity, quantity, quantity, quantity, quantity. It literally takes all the pent up anxiety in my system and gets it out. It’s hard to explain. My husband is also a great support person. He’s amazing, actually, and I met him at this job. I know that I have to placate women who demand to know “what I would do if he died or left me”, but honestly, none of those women would approve of my top three answers, so fuck them. He also swears he’ll never leave me. Am I supposed to trust my own partner or pacify the women who demand to know what I would do if he did (who would not approve of what I would do anyway)? A balance of both, probably, especially since it’s entirely possible that he could drop dead. 

He definitely isn’t leaving me over panic attacks. He’d be pissed if I missed work over a panic attack, but he’s not going to leave me over missing work, and it doesn’t make sense to miss work for a panic attack when the actual job itself helps anxiety. I have thought of possibly looking at intensive outpatient programs to have on hand in case my severe panic attacks come back, but here’s the catch- Those programs will not do shit for me. All psychiatrists do when prescribing medications is trial and error. Nothing is based on anything tangible like bloodwork, urine, or imaging. Antidepressants like Zoloft and escitalopram will either do nothing for me like a placebo, or they give me a terrible side effect called akathisia. The same goes for anti anxiety medications like buspar, hydroxyzine, or any benzodiazepine. Gabapentin works!  But they no longer want to prescribe that. In fact, if you tell them that’s what works, they think you’re this shitty person and will accost the absolute hell out of you. So why would I want to give psychiatrists a second thought when literally all they have to go on is patient testimony, but my patient testimony isn’t what they want to hear?  It’s best to just look within myself for “help”. Maybe my anxiety disorder wouldn’t have lasted 12 years if I had done that in the first place. But, what choice did I have, the cheerleading for mental health care is everywhere. “Oh honey you deserve” (meds, therapy, etc), but then “No not like that” when I describe my experience with it. 

I do have a therapist that I see every two weeks, and she’s a great person, but I’m still trying to figure out what solutions she really has. It took me a lot of mental energy to secure this therapist. The process of finding one was an absolute nightmare. They all require “15 minute free sessions” and then what ended up happening was that I couldn’t explain everything in 15 minutes. So whatever small snippet I could get out in that time frame, the therapist would single that out and say she “doesn’t specialize” in whatever I just said and therefor it “wouldn’t be a good fit”. It was emotionally fucking brutal. It felt like going on job interviews, except for the fact that I have never faced nearly that much rejection in job interviews. And it’s not like I could “just remember not to bring that topic up to the next one in a 15 minute session” because they would do it no matter what vast topic I brought up. Finally, with this one I’ve been seeing, I was emailing her back and forth for a couple weeks beforehand, and I was EXTREMELY VAGUE in those emails. I would just say, I want 6-8 sessions where I just tell you my life story. That’s it. She ran my insurance, and it worked. She pressed a little bit, and eventually insisted on a 15 minute free session, but I did not go into ANY detail until my first session that started with “I was born…” and then about five or six sessions later, I got to present day. That’s the way to do it, honestly. 

And yes I want to tell my therapist some of my plans for 2026 on how to help myself, although im not sure what she can say except “That’s great”.  She might surprise me, though.  I feel like I need to keep her at bay not only so I can “say” I’m seeking professional help and not doing it all on my own, but in case the unthinkable does happen and the panic disorder gets so bad again that I’m practically disabled.  

So I’ll wrap up this blog post by saying bc that for 2026, my financial and health goals will center around the number 10,000. 10,000 steps per day and the total student loan balance being under $10,000. Keep a 2026 planner by my desk and bullet journal in it most days. Use audiobooks to help with the walking. This will also be better for my mental health than bed ridden doom scrolling I do when my husband goes walking. 

I also want to close this with a quick memory. In 2026, I’m turning 48. My mother’s 48th birthday was memorable. We were on the road moving from Chicago to Arizona. We spent her birthday in a motel in Oklahoma and ordered pizza. Then we went to bed, and my father insisted on leaving at 3:30 am because our dog was borking and he didn’t tell the front desk that we had a dog. To this day, my mother will insist that we did, but I distinctly remember that being the reason he wanted to leave before we got caught. I can’t believe I’m almost the same age my mom was when we did that move. My dad was 51at the time. I can’t believe kind of understand their desire to go to Arizona, now that I’m older. It really is unique there. At the time, I couldn’t wait to leave. If I ever went back there, it would probably be cool for about a year and then I’d get sick of it again. Happy new year!

Name Day

 Today was my “namesday” - something I might care a little more about if I was still a practicing Greek Orthodox like my mom. 

Today at work, I was lost in thought while taking inventory. That happens a lot. It’s easy to have half my brain on the count and half on another topic. The prophet Daniel, who is commemorated today (thus being my namesday since I’m named Danielle) is known for being thrown into a pit of hungry lions and being spared. The lions didn’t even eat him after all. Sometimes when I’ve heard this story in the past, they befriended him, but I can’t remember them being friends when I actually read the story in the Bible. 

It’s similar to how I’ve come to realize the past few years what horrible advice I’ve been given my whole life. I went about my life, got to middle age, and realized that most of the advice I received was false and I have to relearn everything. It feels a lot like being thrown into a den of lions and not being eaten. All these things that were “supposed” to happen never did. In fact, they were never going to happen anyway. 

I Can’t December Anymore

I’m a little burned out from work. My favorite inventory, the small Hispanic grocery chain, ended yesterday. On Friday, there was extremely thick fog in the morning, and I said riding in the car through thick fog made me hungry for pea soup. Kevin agreed. In fact, he agreed so much, that he reminded me twice throughout the day to pick up ingredients for split pea soup on the way out. So I googled recipes really quick, and apparently, it’s made with a hambone. Well Kevin is a vegetarian, so I googled pea soup recipes without ham. It suggested carrots, celery, onions, dried split peas, vegetable stock, and spices of your choosing. I got this carrot at the store we did inventory at. It’s so funny, I didn’t want to chop it. One of my friends said, “It’s happy to see you!”  

I guess it is! I’m glad we had today off. I rested all day, had leftover pea soup, and we shopped for more frozen meals. That’s because tomorrow we get even busier at work. I’m exhausted just thinking about it. We are working four days locally and then on Friday we are traveling to the dead ass middle of Texas. 

I took every single denim chenille quilt I’ve ever made to my favorite washateria. They all look amazing now. The two that will be gifts are ready to ship. The others that are going to be sold are going to go in an Etsy shop in 2026. I’ve also made a wreath for one of my friends who moved to North Carolina. It’s a housewarming/holiday gift. This way, I’ll get practice shipping wreaths, too. 

 

My Mother Called Me Woke

 And other happenings: my mom’s sister Gloria is 90. The other day, my mom said she was on the phone with her, and Gloria didn’t know who she was on the phone with. My mom dealt with it in the only way she knows how to deal with things- she yelled at Aunt Gloria. “WHY DONT YOU KNOW WHO THIS IS?!?!  WHO DO YOU THINK YOURE TALKING TO?!?!” 

She then said that Aunt Gloria “started acting like a bitch.”  I explained to my mom that if she has dementia, that yelling at her is naturally only going to make it worse. She isn’t going to respond to being yelled at by saying, “Thanks I’m cured. I know now, you’re my sister.”  My mom responded by calling me woke and accused me of “knowing everything.”  When I suggested she just go along with her  

To make matters worse, Aunt Gloria intends to call other people but only seems to have muscle memory for dialing my mom’s number. So this happens several times a day. Mom has finally gotten the hint to not pick up the phone. I’m so glad I no longer live in her nut house. 

I’m also glad it’s not just me that she has a propensity to yell at constantly. I have come to believe that a lot of my anxiety and mental health struggles stem from her and my father just constantly yelling about everything for as long as I can remember. I don’t have siblings, and they always put on a front outside of home, so I often feel like I’m the only one who she does this to. But now I know I’m not!  I have no desire to ever go “no contact” with my mom, but limited contact combined with living 65 miles away is ideal. 

2025 Season

 

Busy December

I thought we weren't getting a day off until the 14th, but I was wrong. We're off today. And also on the 14th!  I decided to go to Costco today. It was a madhouse!  When I go to Costco, I open the field agent app and look for side jobs at the location I'm in. Normally, field agent will have several small jobs at one Costco location. I do as many as possible and also browse for deals. Today, I spent $92 and made $39 in field agent jobs. Not bad. The 24-pack energy drinks are such a good deal that they are practically “earnings” themselves. I also got a white bathrobe (the house is cold this time of year, and I often don't feel like moving the space heater to the bathroom to warm it up before my shower) and a large bag of “Dubai-style pistachios”.  They have some sugar, but are good when I have a sweet tooth, because there isn't much, and pistachios are healthy. I could have done more side jobs, because every time I submitted one, another one would pop up for pictures of another aisle. I couldn't take the crowds anymore, though. There wasn't just the normal Sunday crowds, there was one group of about 30 people all shopping together and getting in the way a lot. 

The chain of stores we are doing inventory at for about the next two weeks is my favorite client and only comes around once a year in December. It's the easiest type of inventory, and the stores are just a fun atmosphere. They are grocery stores, but only about half the size of regular grocery stores, and are full of imports from Latin America. Their deli is also amazing.  They play Spanish Christmas songs on the overhead, and they are the same rotation of songs that I remember from past December. I even remembered the words to a lot of those songs.  The only problem is that I have a hell of a time ordering food from the deli. The ladies who work there always act like they can't understand you, even if you're speaking Spanish. Last year it made me feel like something was wrong with my Spanish, but in literally every other circumstance where I speak Spanish in public, no one ever acts this confused. It's just something about the ladies who work in the delis at this chain. I've resorted to just pointing to what I want in the case. One woman got my order wrong, but it was close enough. The thing that happened last year that made me question my ability to speak Spanish was that I was ordering tacos and the woman asked “Maiz or Harina?” (corn or flour tortilla) and I replied, “Harina.”   (Flour)  I rolled my R and everything but she still said loudly and incredulously, “QUE??”  So I said it louder, “HARINA.” She held up a flour tortilla and asked if that was the one I wanted. I was like sí, wtf, how did she not understand that?  A year later, and I'm still not over that interaction. 

Other than that minor detail though, I love doing these stores!  We deviate from it this Tuesday when we do a privately owned grocery store near Conroe. This particular store gives us wall calendars every year. We always get three. One for the kitchen, one for above my desk, and one for my mother-in-law. This saves almost $40, honestly. Speaking of my mother-in-law, I got her and my mom matching Oyster shell crosses from an Etsy shop. I stopped at Dollar Tree on the way home from Costco and got them gift bags and tissue paper. I also got 15 rolls of burlap ribbon. Speaking of Etsy shops, I'm determined to open mine in 2026. 

Here's to a busy December and a relaxing Christmas. 

 

Denim Chenille Quilts

I’m making denim chenille quilts out of my scraps for Christmas gifts to ship. This way, I can use my scraps and learn to ship these. 

This is the rainbow quilt I got out of all my colored scraps. It turned out actually way cuter than I thought. My cousin/best friend in the Chicago area is getting this for Christmas. 

The heart appliqué is an idea I got somewhere. The heart needs to be smaller though. That’s ok, the point is to learn from mistakes. Once the chenille fuzzes up, you won’t be able to tell it’s a heart. 

And just in case you’re confused on how I make it fuzzy on the back-

I clip all the seams like this. Then when I wash it with a lot of fabric softener, the seams are fuzzy, hence the term “chenille”. 

The blue and gray one is going to my coworker. She was hinting like crazy for one. Then she just flat out asked. I explained that I will have to ship it, not just hand it over at work and she said ok. She wants it in the spare room where her grandkids go when they come over. 

There is still enough for another quilt which will be alternated between denim blue and purple. That one will go to my cousin in Connecticut. I don’t have anyone outside the USA to give one to. It would be nice to practice shipping internationally. 

 I’m also considering doing this for free for memorial quilts. That is, if someone loses a loved one and they want one of these out of their loved one’s old clothing. I would do that.  I trust myself enough now that I don’t believe I would ruin someone’s loved one’s clothing. I mean, of course it would have to be cut up, but I have enough “denim chenille quilt experience” now that I trust myself to do a good job on it with someone else’s lost loved one’s old stuff. 

Tidbits for December

 Kevin and I have the day off, and this is actually the last day off we have until Christmas. So I’m about to be busy, tired, and rich. 

Anna has her phone off while she studies for finals. This is the last week of school for her. She has done great her first semester. 

We went out for a nice Mexican dinner in Austin, and I had a watermelon margarita. 

An ongoing issue with me. 

I can’t stop listening to This song. I heard it on TikTok, and it’s catchy. 

I’ve been doing the Pilate bands to work my upper arms and upper chest. However, the slightest, easiest workouts will kill my arms for the next two days. I’m never in that much pain after leg or core exercises. Probably because I do them more often. In the last two years or so of weight loss journey, I’ve never done anything with arms. I know the answer is to build up slowly, but DAMN am I sore the next day.