New Budget

 Phone: $164.74  This includes the WiFi for this house. 

Health insurance: $102.98 But I hate my insurance. Changing January first, asap. 

Car insurance is now $79.75 a month now that I paid the car off. At one point, it was $349 a month , went down to $2-something and is now under $80. Love it. 

I don’t have a minimum payment required for my student loans, because of my income, but I also realized that I didn’t tell them I got married. They’ll figure it out when we file jointly. Each time I log in to the servicer “Aidvantage”, I make a payment that decreases the principal balance. When you’re on an income based repayment plan, your interest compounds and compounds and compounds. If I left it alone, then I’d never retire because it would be over $100K by the time I got to my 60’s. This is why you hear people talking about having made significant payments every month, but the balance keeps increasing. What a scam. The plan now is to pay it down much more than “just a little bit” each time I log in. 

For the three years that interest was frozen during the pandemic, the balance was $20K even. I started paying it down in September of 2023 when the interest started accruing again. My balance is now $18,200 even. Of course now I’m going to be tackling it more aggressively

When I graduated, it was somewhere between $37K-$39K  I don’t remember anything except that it was “close to 40”  

Kevin pays the rent here, but I can definitely pay it sometimes now too.  It’s low, because this is his parents’ property. 

Goals now:

this booklet I have in lavender. It’s stuck in the seat pocket of the passenger seat of my car. It’s full of slots you number from 1-100. In the 1 slot, you put $1, in the 53 slot, you put $53, in the 100 slot you put $100 and so on. I fill some slots and then take them out. I’m terrible at this challenge. I wanted to give it to Anna, but she’s going to be living in a dorm and I didn’t want it to get stolen. I’m going to be better at it now with no car note. And I’m not going to keep it in the seat pocket of the car when it starts to get high.  If you fill all the slots, you’ve just saved $5,050. And I am not able to do it daily, it’s going to be a per payday thing. 

I have a retirement account on the Robin Hood app. It’s super low. Part of me hasn’t expected to live long enough to retire, but now I think I will. I’ll keep adding small amounts to it. I was always raised to believe that social security would go away by the time I was old enough for it. But people my age and younger are fighting back on that now. We are realizing that that was probably just said to us in order for the people saying it to drain social security. And my husband is turning 62 in February of 2026. He can collect it at that point but doesn’t seem to want to yet. 

My side jobs on the apps- I’m going to lay off of those and work on my writing and sewing more. Of course, if I’m driving to my mother’s house 65 miles away, there’s likely to be a handful of them there and back. It would make sense to do them then. We have two HEB stores we go to- in cypress and in Brenham. One is 30 miles east, and one is 30 miles west. When Kevin and I shop together, I always push to go to Brenham because that HEB always has a bunch of jobs at that location. 

I’m going to be giving my daughter HEB gift cards since there’s one in San Marcos walking distance to the university and she’s only on a two meal a day plan. And because the university has convinced her not to work her first semester- I think her dad and stepmom told her that too. It’s not wise. But I can’t say anything- when I first married her dad, there actually was a few month period where I was a stay at home wife. Before my pregnancy with her. There was a few month period when I was about 20-21 ish that I lived with my parents and didn’t work. I was a stay at home daughter. So it’s not like I ALWAYS worked. I did have breaks. Would my maternity leave with her also count since she was the easiest baby ever?  Most people would say no, but that was a chill time for me. (I also had a supportive partner!)

Hopefully my financial situation turns around. I make good money at my job in my opinion. It’s actually insane behavior that I returned to a job I had in my early 20’s that everyone told me to leave and go back for my degree, and even more insane is that I married my supervisor/coworker. Goals are shifting now that I’m getting older. In 2014, I didn’t think I’d live through each day. Now I rock. 

A Funny and a Sad

There was a post on facebook that was complaining about menopause symptoms, including chin hair. I made this comment, “I just know it feels super victorious when I pluck a chin hair with just my fingers.”  

My comment got over 2,000 likes and hundreds of comments telling me I have skills. It’s rare that I make a comment and get so many likes and comments. 

On a sad note, I had a weird dream last night about my first boyfriend who passed away in February 9th of this year. I had put an ambient sound on YouTube to fall asleep to. The video was three hours long. I fell asleep and then I started having a dream that I was trying to save the life of my first boyfriend. In the dream, I was trying to get him out of an area that was basically the afterlife, but I couldn’t do it. In my dream, I could hear the song kind of loudly, “Saving Me” by Nickleback. I forced myself to wake up and discovered that that song was now playing on YouTube

  It was the actual music video that was playing, but I linked to the lyric video just to show how weird this dream was. The lyrics fit. 

I am madly in love with my husband Kevin.  I still grieve when I think of Matt and how he was lost too soon. 

I haven’t thought of him lately, other than when I marvel at how proud I am of my daughter. My daughter is now the same age I was when I met Matt, and she’s everything we dreamed our future kids would be. He was not her father- we broke up in our early 20’s and I married Anna’s father when I was 26. Anna’s father is still living. Matt was my first love. Just to clarify. 

We couldn’t wait to have a large family and see how “our kids” would turn out. We had a lot of opposition, but in the end it seems like we were right about giving our kids a better start in life than what we had. When we were dating, we were considered failures by the older people in our life. He went on to have two sons that I never knew- one older and one younger than my child. I’m sure they’re just as amazing as Anna, even if his passing was a setback for them. Sometimes me and Kevin look at each other and say, “We did it!”  

If Matt was here, I think at this point in life, we could have told each other, “We did it.”  Maybe not together, but we did it- we raised amazing kids with a better start in life than we had. 

Also This scene comes to mind. I saw that movie a long time ago. 
 

Reflections

For funsies, here’s a cute picture I took of Alex last night. He wanted his breakfast at 11:45 PM. I asked him, “Are you hungry?” And then snapped his picture right as he answered me yes. 

Today is the 18th anniversary of the death of my aunt Mary. She’s on the right in this picture, my mom is on the left, and I’m in the middle. I believe this was in the spring of 1992.  Aunt Mary was my grandmother’s oldest daughter. She was born in 1929 and passed away in 2007. When I was giving birth to my daughter on June 11,2007, we thought Aunt Mary would pass away that day. She was given last rights just as I was entering the maternity ward. I was afraid that she would die and no one would inform me just because I was in labor. I remember begging, PLEASE inform me when she passes, even if I’m with legs apart and they’re saying here comes the head, if she dies I want to be informed. They were all “iffy” when they said ok. I didn’t believe they would really tell me. At 5:00 pm on the day Anna was born, I called my other aunt who’s also now deceased. I told her I had the baby, and after she got done squealing with excitement, she said Aunt Mary was still in a coma. She said they held the phone up to her ear as my mother announced to her that she was now a grandmother and “mother and baby are doing fine.” 

I look back on that now and I kind of understand- I would not want to tell a woman in labor or a brand new mom that her aunt died. But I also really needed and wanted to be informed no matter what condition I was in. 

Aunt Mary stayed in a coma for the next 19 days and died June 30, 2007 at age 78. 

She was one of the cool aunts. Actually, all of my cool aunts and uncles are dead now, and the abusive ones are still alive. Why did it have to happen that way?  

I wish Aunt Mary could see my daughter. She also has two great grandchildren that have been born since her passing. I miss her. 

 

Guess Who Paid Off Her Car

 Yours truly! 

My car was paid off this morning!  

I don’t think I’m really celebrating until the payment posts. I think now I’m supposed to get the title and also my car insurance goes down. 

This frees me up sooooooo much. 

Thank you God and thank you me!  

As a gift for getting paid off, my car got this TXST Bobcat Mom bumper sticker 

I’m Home From San Marcos

I’m depressed. Empty nest syndrome hits different when you were a non custodial parent. My daughter and I had our own apartment just the two of us for about 8 years. After I finished my degree, we had to live with my parents because the financial hardship caused by going back to school was too much for me to be able to pay rent at the time. When Anna was 12 and a half, she wanted to go and live with her dad. It absolutely killed me, but I understood. My parents are difficult to live with. They don’t have healthy conflict resolution. They just deal with the most minor things by yelling and screaming. Anna couldn’t handle that, because our home was peaceful. I know that is a good reflection on me, but I will always be bitter that the thing everyone in the world expected me to do (finish college) caused me to lose my home and my child.  

Her dad and stepmom are millionaires, so they’re

paying for her to go to Texas State University. She won’t have to worry about loans, or will she?  She told me how much is in her 529 plan her dad started, and it only seems like enough for about 3 years. Therefore, I’m starting my own. It’s not a 529, it’s just me, putting a little extra away. She’ll have a meal plan, but I’m still going to be giving her grocery store gift cards every couple weeks. She isn’t going to have a job the first semester, and that worries me. That’s one of the ways colleges and universities get you. They tell you not to work. She said after Christmas break, she’ll look for a job. That makes me feel better. Her stepsister (her stepmom’s daughter) also didn’t work her first semester and got a job after Christmas. I’m just worried, I want my daughter to be ok and have a good start in life. Her last day at her current job will be in the Fourth of July. 

Anna is taking college algebra right off the bat!  It will be Monday, Wednesday and Friday at 9 am. Tuesday and Thursday at 11 am is “Intro to Fine Arts” which does count for a requirement. Tuesday and Thursday at 2 pm is “Organismal Biology” with the lab being Wednesday at 2:00. Then Tuesday and Thursday at 5 pm is “College Writing”. I’m not sure what that is a requirement for. I hope they aren’t getting her to take classes that don’t meet requirements just to waste time and money. 

The parent only sessions on “how to support your student” were boring. I had to make sure I had crowds of people between me and my ex and his wife. If there are not crowds of people around, she tends to get nasty with me for no reason, with finger in my face and everything. 

They said that “career services will help them find a job at any time for the rest of their lives”. I went to the University of Houston, and I went to career services once. All they said was “Have you heard of Indeed?” 

Everyone has heard of Indeed. If you haven’t, it’s a job searching website. It’s www.indeed.com

There’s also an app. It guides you through making a resume and you can “apply with one click” if you see a job you like. I went on the other day and saw an ad for a caregiving company who’s urgently hiring for a client in the town of Magnolia, Tx. Magnolia is only a 10 minute drive from where I live in Waller. This client has 24 hour coverage and will only accept a caregiver with 10 years experience. I have ten years experience, roughly.  She also needs to be transferred. The ironic thing is that I would have been much better at transferring 10 years ago when I had no experience. If I do arm strength training and squats daily, I might be able to transfer people again (which means lifting them from wheelchair to bed, or toilet or recliner chair and back etc), even if I don’t ever do that job again, it’s good to do squats daily. I did not apply with a click. I’m loyal to my current boss especially after the raise I got. 

But back to Anna. I’m glad she’s so excited about this. I’m glad she was able to get in and get financial support from her father. When I was her age, I had no support. I had undiagnosed ADHD and learning disabilities and was unable to get into any university that offered dorm life. In fact, when I went to my local community college and took placement testing, I tested at a 6th-7th grade level in math and science. I didn’t take college algebra until I was 32 years old. Whatever George Bush was talking about when he said “no child left behind”, he was talking about me. I was left behind. 

When I was with my last boyfriend, he had two kids- and they both had IEP’s. He used to go to ARD meetings for both of them. Could you see my parents in anARD meeting for me back in the day?  Screaming and yelling?  My father also always pounded things with his fist. But never me!  So I could never call it abuse. 

I’m glad my kid doesn’t have to deal with the things I dealt with at her age. I hope she has fun the next four years, and I hope this degree actually gets her a career like she’s being led to believe. 

When I got home, I got this text from my mother in law. (We live in the guest house on her 11 acre property). 

I immediately thought my father in law Jay was dying. A couple times in the past I remember going to church members’ houses to pray for them in their final hours. But lo and behold, I pull up, and Jay is out there pulling weeds like nothing. He’s stubborn. He’s either 88 or 89 years old. We’ll see what happens with him. Here are some pictures of when Anna and I had our own apartment for 8 years: 

 

Stuff Found Online

This is the truth. Reminds me of all the pets I lost. I’m going to lose my mind when Alex dies. 

“O Am I?”

Someone posted this, found in a thrift store. This takes talent. 

I would get slug nails, but it would make it hard to do inventory. 

If my husband ever let me get chickens, I’d want a coop like this. 

This is why I’m big on letting my kid find her own way. 

 

Orientation Day 1

I’m back at the motel now. Anna gets to spend tonight in the dorms as part of her itinerary. Whenever I’m in a motel room by myself, I crank the AC to 69-67 and double up on blankets. Can’t get away with that anywhere else, nor can I get away with it if I’m sharing the motel room. 

The university rec center had old 80’s arcades including Mrs. Pac-Man!! 

Family of deer living on campus. The one in front stared me down as I walked by. 

Oh and I got the 50 cent raise I asked for. Hallelujah! 

More tomorrow on orientation. I’m exhausted. 

 

Traveling with my Kid !!

 

I’ve traveled all over 9 states for the last 5 years doing retail audits. I was never able to take my child anywhere, because her dad wouldn’t let me. Now that she’s 18, I finally am taking her this week. First, we stopped at a Mexican restaurant I like in Giddings called Las Patrones. I had fish and shrimp soup. They make it the best. Then I took her to the Berdoll Pecan Farm (Berdoll.com) which has a pretty neat gift shop. They sold these enormous bags of pecans. I like pecans but I don’t think I like them enough to buy one of those bags. They also sell neat gift items and pecan everything. Pecan pies, pecan pralines, pecan oil, pecan butter, pecan trees. You name it they got it (pecan-wise). 

Now we’re staying in a motel in San Marcos and today is parent orientation at Texas State University. Taking an uber so we don’t have to mess with parking. I’m hoping after orientation, we’ll check out of here tomorrow and go to the river walk in San Antonio. 

Midlife

 Me and my mom on the right with five of my aunts, my grandmother and great aunt seated. My mom was 33 here, and my aunts all ranged from 43-49 years old. 

Do you ever wonder what day you’re going to die?  I think about how my dad passed away on MLK day in 2020. For so many years during his life, he seemed to admire MLK and think he was a great speaker. The elderly woman I cared for between July of 2023 and March of 2024 died on the anniversary of the day her son’s adoption was final. She told me the story of that day a few times, unaware that it would be her “deathiversary”. I asked my mom if she ever wondered what hers would be. She said “No, because I’d be afraid every year when that day rolled around.”  

I also kind of wonder when is midlife. I’m about to turn 47. I’m at midlife if I live to be 94. 

My aunt Fran, pictured above second from left with a black dress and black curly hair just passed away in March at age 94. In this picture, she was about my age or maybe a year older, and at her own halfway mark. I think it’s possible that I would live to 94, but chances are I probably have more life behind me than in front of me. 

Of course it’s always possible that I could die in a freak accident today- I hope not, but if that were the case, then my halfway point would have been when I was 23. Back when 9/11 happened. 

My little cousin Evan was killed in an accident at age 23.  His midlife was when he was in 6th grade. 

Whatever happens, I pray for Psalm 91:16. “With long life, I will satisfy him.”  It’s also a Song

Tire Problem

 Lately, it has sounded like I had a tire problem. My tires weren’t flat, so I was confused. I could hear thumping as I drove. I went to a tire shop to get my air checked. The guy that checked my air said nothing, but as I drove more I could still hear thumping. 

So I went to another tire shop and parked and got out this time. They came back and said there was a frog stuck to one of my tires. He was a big dude, too, about 6 inches long. Although he may have been shorter in life, considering my car flattened him out. The tire guy removed the frog and did a rotation. I felt bad for the frog I killed. Sorry little fella. He must have been on the bottom when the first guy put air in my tires. 

I Miss My Husband

 It sucks having him gone. I almost don’t know what to do with myself. Why is that?  I lived alone for years. 

Yesterday my anxiety was a lot better. Today, it’s back. I’m trying not to take any gabapentin at all, unless I have actual withdrawal symptoms (like twitching). I have a bottle of Snapple in the fridge with 200 mg that I’m trying to avoid unless it gets really bad. When it’s done, I might try to look for a sugar free option to dissolve those capsules in. 

I don’t blame myself for getting into this situation. I did what I was supposed to do when my mental health was bad. I believe this was done to me. I can’t believe some of the attitude I’ve gotten just for wanting the medication that has worked great for me for four years. It’s as if I’m this awful person just for bringing it up. The professionals get really triggered if I mention that I take it- I wonder how they’ll react if I ever have to mention that I “used to take it”. 

I thought back to a therapist that either said I have “Complex PTSD” from all the work with children and elderly that I’ve done, or he said that I “might” have it. Then another therapist told me I didn’t deserve that label or whatever, mostly because my parents were together.  When I said it out loud that one professional said one thing about me and another one said another thing, I was absolutely beseeched (like it was a damn emergency) to go see someone else who will say I do have it. I don’t remember exactly how that went down, but how annoying. If different people will tell you different things about yourself, then what’s the point of going to see more and more people?  If you keep going to different people until you hear what you want to hear, then what’s the point?  Doesn’t that prove you’re full of it?  

Whether I “do” or “don’t” “have” “Complex PTSD”, my story is my story and I can’t change the past and the things I’ve been through. I wouldn’t want to either. Our experiences shape us. Sometimes I’ve taken breaks from writing my book, “because of mental health” but I wonder how much of that is real. How much do I really need to take the long mental health breaks from writing my book?  And how much am I just buying into the hype surrounding mental health conditions?  If the therapist who said I have complex PTSD was right, then the breaks are good. If the one who said I don’t because my parents never got divorced was right, then I need to get back to work on it. 

Since it can’t actually be proven either way, I’ll just pay more attention to how I personally feel about writing at any given time. 

On another note, I made homemade bread today. I also boiled up the rest of my cinnamon green tea bags and sweetened it with monk fruit. I then poured it through a funnel into empty water bottles and put them in the freezer. 

Ramblings

 No I didn’t get a nose ring, but my daughter did. She’s 18 now, so she can. I want one if I get down about another 5-10 pounds. She also said she’s on a waiting list for a tattoo. She briefly explained the tattoo, and it’s similar to mine. I might show it when I get the final picture. 

This has been a challenging week, because Kevin had to travel to the dead ass middle of Texas while I am staying behind to work locally. The chain that we usually do all over that area is being done by our Austin crew, and Kevin has to run it because none of the Austin crew knows how. Kevin seemed unnecessarily bummed out that he had to travel without me. It makes me realize that even though he said he’d be supportive if I moved on to another job, he’d still really hate traveling without me. We travel often. I would bring that up, but nah. It actually makes me feel great that he would miss me that much. After decades of being told that if I got married, my husband would want to leave me for every little thing, turns out that’s not the case. 

Next week, I’ll be on vacation. There is going to be parent orientation at the university where my daughter is going, and I’m taking her on a road trip the rest of the week. I requested it a long time ago. 

I’m struggling a lot with my anxiety, but still working hard to fight it off. I often try to not take any gabapentin at all some days. It works, in that, I don’t have that many withdrawal symptoms. I do have bad anxiety though. If I have a withdrawal problem, I just take half a capsule. Actually the one time I did have withdrawals this week, I drank my apple juice that had 400 mg inside but I drank half at a time about four hours apart. It’s easy to fall into the “I need to go see someone who can help me” trap, but in the end that would be such a bad idea. I thought about maybe seeing another psychiatrist and letting them know that I would be willing to take gabapentin and an SSRI, just because they obviously push SSRI’s so much. However, in the end that also wouldn’t be smart. The doctor would just see me doing well and attribute it to the SSRI, not the gabapentin, and then take me “off” gabapentin.  I know this from experience as well. The whole experience makes me totally look down on them. Then I saw this meme:

Oh so snarky huh!!!  The point of this meme is that “you can’t” just cheer up, you need professionals. What the meme doesn’t tell you is that you can  go see as many professionals as you want, and they also are just going to tell you to cheer up. So, in my opinion, you might as well save your money and just cheer up. In fact, you might be able to use that money to help with whatever is stressing you out. 

I have had to tell myself over and over that a big part of the reason for my anxiety is that I have been on meds so long and now I’m not. At least I have a pretty decent stash  for in case it gets really bad. If I had been taking the full dose daily, then I would be out soon. That would absolutely suck. I just need to remind myself that no one I ever go to for help is actually going to help me. I have the tools, I just need to tap in and discover them. 

I also want to say thanks for all the encouragement on my child advocate blog. That blog is slow going. Ideally, I would write a post there daily. Ideally, I would also physically exercise daily as well. Perhaps that is a nice goal that would help my anxiety. 

One thing that I wasn’t sure should go on this blog or that one is what was recently discovered about the Duggar family from 19 Kids and Counting. As you may know, their oldest son is now serving time for CSAM. More recently, a young man who was dating one of their younger daughters but since moved on and married someone else, was arrested for sexual assault of a child under 12. It appears to have happened when he was 18-19 years old. His current wife made this post, which made its way to Reddit. I have a lot to say:

One of the comments under that post was, “I read the first two words of that and was hoping the rest of it would say ‘went down to Georgia.’”

Yeah no shit!  What an absolute piece of shit this couple is!  “Victim”. She didn’t just do that. And while it’s been many years since I’ve been to church, I have seen this sentiment quite a bit among them. They tend to hold minor sins against people pretty harshly but when it comes to CSA, it’s all about forgiveness all of a sudden. I noticed a lot of young people on TikTok claiming that the heavy push for forgiveness in past decades was not actually for the right reasons. In a lot of instance, people preached forgiveness so heavily because they themselves wanted to get away with abuse. I can believe that!  And when she says that she knows a lot of people who are also doing it, I want to say “Ok- go on…”

Child Advocates Blog

 For a little over a year, I’ve been slowly working on a blog dedicated to advocating for children. I talk about my experiences in the past as well as current day things. It’s one of my goals to keep up with. It used to be on Wordpress, but honestly I just don’t like Wordpress. I didn’t renew my subscription and just copy pasted all but two existing posts Here  

https://childadvocateblog.blogspot.com/?m=1

I have not shared it either here or on social media, because I’m scared of criticism. But just because I’m afraid of criticism, that doesn’t mean I’m saying don’t give me any of you have some.  I’m just scared of it, that’s all!  But I won’t be if it’s valid. So far I’m only sharing it here and not yet on my socials. If you have any current day topics you’d like me to discuss, give me suggestions in the comments. Thanks 🙏🏼 

Also, the pen name “Simi Higgins” just doesn’t work for me anymore. I need a new one and am taking suggestions for a new pen name as well. 

Weight and Career Goals

I have spent literally all day today (literally- I have been awake since before midnight) dreading work tomorrow and thinking I’m going to get fired because I asked for a raise on Friday. 

I honestly don’t want to go in. Like I said, this is the first time in my life that I’ve asked or even negotiated pay. I am constantly afraid that my parents were right and I’ll get fired instantly. 

I would probably quit in shame if my husband wasn’t my coworker. He told me (and I know he’s right and I’m being irrational, but I can’t help it. His parents were way kinder than mine) that the worst that could happen was that I won’t get the raise. I am 100% not getting fired. 

In fact, I hope my father isn’t rolling in his grave. If he was still alive and I was living under his roof and he knew about this he would be SCREAMING about how I’m about to get replaced by someone who will do it cheaper. I wonder why he never worked through his trauma. I have, at least enough to not have a shit fit at my child because she’s doing life differently than I did. I actually don’t think it was trauma that made my father act like that. I think he and my mom both wanted to keep me down. I have thoughts on why, but they’re for another day. 

I stepped on the scale this morning and it said 189.9. 

Hooray, the 180’s!!  Barely!  I told myself if I got to the 180’s, I would get a nose ring. Do I still want it?  Yes, but I would no longer be in the 180’s if I was wearing anything. Perhaps the nose ring itself would put me at 190. 

Homemade Laundry Detergent

 I finally did it!  Not sure I needed a plastic box that big, but it’s the one I had. 

This homemade laundry detergent was 1 tub of oxy clean, 1 box of borax, 1 box washing soda, 1.5 bars of grated Zote soap, 4 pounds of baking soda, and 1 bottle of scent booster. 

The scoop came from the box of oxy clean. 

It does smell nice. Zote soap smells like citronella. We’ll see how this works. I used to love doing this decades ago. 

I Asked For A Raise

 So normally, we are a crew of four- me and my husband, the manager and his wife. It’s literally a double date. All day, every day!  

Recently, we got a fifth person- the nephew of the manager. Nephew said he worked here before, from 2014-2018. I also worked here before from 2002-2005.  

About two weeks ago, my manager’s wife and nephew and I were standing around after we uploaded our inventory, and the nephew was telling her and I about a friend of his who lives in Nebraska.  This friend of his drives a truck for a farm chain up there. Then the nephew said he has no idea why his Nebraska friend “wastes his time with this job, because it only pays-“ and then he said how much it paid per hour, which was literally double what I make per hour. 

I have been scratching my head for two weeks. I talked to my husband about it. Why would he look down his nose so much about someone wasting their time making twice what I make, when he’s working the exact same job as me? Does he make more than twice what I make.  Because that’s what it sounds like?  Kevin laughed and insisted “There’s no way he makes that much.”  I said ok “But why would he say that?” 

Kevin responded, “Well maybe he just meant it’s not enough for trucking.” 

I said, “Trucking is mostly just driving.” 

Kevin said, “But they’re away from home a lot.” 

I said, “So are we.”  

Kevin rested his case and still insisted that there was no way nephew made twice what I make. 

I have never in my life ever asked for a raise or even negotiated my pay. Ever. My parents always taught me that I should just be grateful I have any job at all, and if I ever dared to ask or negotiate that not only would I immediately be replaced, but I would also somehow be blacklisted from ever getting a job again. (I’m not sure how-  it’s funny the things we grow up to realize were off the wall advice.)

The conversation about the farm trucker in Nebraska has been grinding my gears and burning my balls all week. I finally decided to email the owner of the company and ask her for a raise. I only asked her for a 50 cent raise- NOT “double” lol. I think I did a very articulate job with asking and being my own cheerleader. Yes there were fears that my dad would be right and she’d fire me immediately. It wouldn’t be the worst thing though. I also have a million and one things that I’ve learned my parents and other elders were wrong about. I should have been more confident that I wouldn’t get fired for asking. She responded kind of quickly saying she appreciated all I do and that they would review it and get back to me. 

I told my mom. She then told me that the CEO’s response was “typical.”  I thought to myself, how do you know it’s typical if you’ve always told me that I would be instantly replaced if I ever asked?  Didn’t say that out loud though. Sounds like she’s asked before. 

I’m so glad I asked, even if I don’t get it. Asking for a raise for the first time in my life a month before turning 47 

I Was Today Years Old

 When I found out that the “Serotonin Hypothesis” that claims depression is caused by a chemical imbalance/ low serotonin levels was actually never proven. 

I actually did “sort of” know that, but it’s so not talked about that I didn’t realize it. 

I have honestly been wondering- do I really “suffer from” anxiety and depression, or are anxiety and depression a normal part of the human experience?  Is mine actually a disorder/disease, or have I been gullible with people who profit off of me being anxious and depressed?  

You aren’t allowed to ask these questions out loud. I wasn’t asking them out loud- I was simply googling them. Chemical imbalances have not been proven. They do not actually test your serotonin levels. Yes I knew that, but I disregarded it. Why did I just follow blindly?  Probably because so many people get so preachy when it comes to mental health. They yell at you that going to a psychiatrist is “just like going to the doctor if you have a broken leg or diabetes.”  The silent part isn’t spoken out loud- that broken bones are seen on X-rays and diabetes can be seen in bloodwork. 

Yesterday I counted my remaining gabapentin and created my own taper schedule. If I follow it, then I will run out on about February 6, 2026. If I pick up another “month supply” at the end of this month, I can make that last for most of 2026. 

I have to really, really work hard to reinvent myself, accept and sit with horrible feelings, and radically accept that it’s only me that can help me. I know that the proper thing to do would be to talk to my PCP about tapering, and I did try to do that. I went in the day before yesterday in the afternoon. The medical assistant who was taking my vitals went over my medications and very very clearly had an absolute problem that I was taking gabapentin for anxiety.  She said, “And you take….. gabapentin?  FOR ANXIETY?  Why?”  Immediately I felt uncomfortable. God knows I really really hate that. I explained nicely that  a psychiatrist prescribed it for me about four years ago, and that she had retired and I was unable to find another who is willing to prescribe it again. So that was actually why I was there- to discuss a taper schedule with the doctor to get off of it safely. The medical assistant continued to question me while emphasizing every other word, stating that gabapentin isn’t usually used for anxiety. I tried to explain again that the reason I was there was to discuss tapering. I asked her if she had a problem with it, I mean there was a lot of tension in the room. I started crying and said I didn’t want to see the doctor. She tried to backtrack and say she didn’t mean to upset me and she didn’t think anything was wrong with it etc. I left the exam room and went up to the front to check out and cancel my appointment. 

I never, ever want to talk to any medical professional ever again about taking gabapentin for anxiety. It has to be all on me. I have to figure it out myself. As many of you know I do have a cousin that is a psychiatrist. She lives in the Chicago area. I brought this up to her, and she prescribes gabapentin to her patients all the time for anxiety. But obviously I can’t see her, because she’s related to me. She started saying “That’s so weird” that I was having so many problems getting it again. Generally in our family, saying “that’s weird” means you don’t believe someone. I flat out told her that it’s really happening and not weird. She then started blaming it on the conservative politics of Texas. I said, the doctor that originally prescribed it to me was also in Texas and actually if you know someone that I can see then please give me their name and number so I can seek them out myself. I texted out this whole plan of quitting my job and temporarily moving to Illinois if she really knew someone and if it was just so common in liberal Illinois. She said she’d ask around but hasn’t responded. She doesn’t know anyone. 

Something just changed with psychiatrists’ attitudes towards that medication and willingness to prescribe it. They don’t want to take responsibility so they blame the patient. 

I have a lot of work to do to get better. I can do it, too. These people were making money off of convincing me I’m nothing without them. I’m tempted to feel defeated, and I think it’s ok to let myself feel like that for a little while but then I have to get up and start over. 

Homemade detergent

 It’s such a long week. I’ve been eyeballing this TikTok trend and have been wanting to do it so badly. It’s a recipe for “homemade laundry detergent”, even though two of the ingredients are actual detergent themselves. I can imagine it must smell really great and get your clothes nice. I used to make homemade detergent with only soap, washing soda and borax. That was 20 years ago. It’s evolved with TikTok. I just showed that video to my husband thinking he would object, but he did the opposite of object. He was all for it. He even said “We already have the tote”. Ok!  This weekend I’m going to make this. 

Frustrating Triggering News

 Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you’ve heard the news stories about the Decker family- a non custodial father who is still at large and wanted for the unaliving of his three little girls. And I know the word “unaliving” is a little annoying, but I don’t want this post to be somehow censored if I use the M word. When I did a deep dive on Josh Duggar and his crime about three years ago, I blogged about it and was censored for calling him what he is. Anyway, the person with the best deep dive on the Decker family is Stephanie Harlowe. I don’t “always” watch Stephanie Harlowe- only for cases I’m interested in already, before she makes a video about them. 

Last night, I had a dream that I was actually working as a clerk in the convenient store chain that we are working on inventory for the last couple weeks. In my dream, Travis Decker walked into the store, took a beer out of the cooler doors and opened it and started chugging it while staring me dead in the eye. I wanted to pick up my phone and call to report that I found him, but he was staring at me. I kept wondering in my dream if I looked at his eyes, would I “see evil”. Then I dared myself to look him in the eye and woke up from the dream instantly. That’s weird, because I always roll my eyes at people who say they can see evil in someone’s eyes. I don’t believe that is a thing at all. 

The biggest debate/point of contention surrounding this case is the fact that there was no Amber Alert. Someone from their local pd (or it may have been Washington state police) was interviewed and said they can’t do an amber alert just because a non-custodial parent is late bringing their kids back. Except, I feel like that happens all the time. There are always amber alerts for people being late bringing their kids back to the other parent. This cop was like, “That would desensitize people to the amber alert system” and yeah, that’s actually exactly what it does. How ironic that what seems like the one time they should have issued one, they didn’t. But it’s only frustrating if you really think an amber alert “would have” definitely saved them. Would it?  No one knows. 

In the video linked above, Stephanie Harlowe is definitely one that believes an amber alert would have definitely saved these three kids. She sits there at the end of her video and says, “No one is going to sit there and be upset at too many amber alerts”.  Actually yes some might be.  Not you and I, but some people will for sure.  Getting upset or annoyed at amber alerts is also not the same as being desensitized to it. I was desensitized when the amber alert for Audrii Cunningham went out. Immediately before she went missing, there had just been too many issued that were non custodial parents being late. One time, a bitter paternal grandmother had an amber alert issued for her grandson, and the custodial mother was live streaming herself on Facebook on hold with the police department with the “missing” child on her lap.  Grandma was later arrested for a frivolous report.  These were on my mind when Audrii’s alert went out. Would I personally have single-handedly saved Audrii if I wasn’t desensitized?  No- she never left Lake Livingston. I was 75 miles away. But it’s because of that why I understand the concept. 

I don’t think Stephanie Harlowe grasps the nuances surrounding amber alerts. She’s an armchair detective, but  at the end of the day so am I. 

What if there was one constant running live stream on some sort of social media platform that featured all active missing person cases?  Would it be too much information?  Would the average person check it?  Who knows what the answer is?  I don’t. I do know that I don’t believe amber alerts are as perfect as Stephanie believes them to be. In other words, one could have gone out and it wouldn’t have saved them. Or maybe it would have. We can’t look into alternative universes. 

It’s also extremely easy to fall into the amber alert criticism debate, because it’s way too hard to imagine losing your kids. We can’t imagine what the mother is going through. And we don’t want to, so we fall into the amber alert blame bickering. It’s easier. 

More Fun With AI

My cat Alex is not an “official” emotional support animal. If he was, he would have cost thousands of dollars. He was actually a rescue back in 2013. When I lived in my old-old apartment, he was born under the house of the mother of one of my neighbors. The house was up on stilts. She kept the mama and got her spayed. Then, she took it upon herself to find homes for all of the kittens, and I kept Alex. 

It was only six months later that I had my first panic attack, and Alex assumed a therapeutic roll immediately. He always used to press his body against mine, and give constant bonks and boops if I was having one. 

So I submitted his picture on ChatGPT and asked to give him an ESA vest. In reality, he’d never wear a vest. He also doesn’t have seven toes on one paw. 

 

On My Own

 Some of the advice I received two posts ago about my mystery phone call from the pharmacy was to go to the pharmacy in person to make sure there was not an error with someone else. 

I’m honestly too scared to do that. The thing they were trying to accuse me of was filling a one month supply three weeks early. Normally, that indicates overdosing or other illegal activity. I’m doing the opposite of overdosing. I’m underdosing, simply because in the last year or so my medication has developed such a negative stigma from mental health professionals and pharmacies. One might argue that underdosing is also “wrong”, but what other choice do I have?  Withdrawal from gabapentin can cause seizures, and I’m in a situation where suddenly it’s frowned upon. I have been to enough doctors at this point to know that I’m going to be vilified if I keep asking for it. Running out can be deadly. You would be tapering too. 

Since the reason for the pharmacy’s phone call was to tell me they couldn’t complete a refill, I’m assuming they did not make a mistake regarding someone else. If they did, it’s not up to me to risk getting mouthed off at. They already think I’m a piece of shit. If I ever go back there, it won’t be until I get a text on or after 6/27 saying my last refill is ready. 

I was literally in tears last night wondering how I got into this situation. I had a psychiatrist about 4 or 5 years ago “try” gabapentin with me for my panic attacks, because nothing else seemed to work. Then she retired, so I can’t go back to her. It’s extremely risky to go to a psychiatrist and say “This is what works for me”, in fact I had a therapist tell me that that’s “drug seeking behavior.”  If I do that, I have to “try” all the SSRI’s and SNRI’s all over again as a performative action for them. I’d rather just not take anything than do that. That will put my body through hell. Plus I’ve lost roughly 30-35 pounds now, yo-yoing medications will likely make me gain it all back. 

I sat down last night and really forced myself to accept that I’m on my own from now on with anxiety symptoms. It’s up to me to get better. I can’t depend on anyone else. 

I have a tool box for sure. If you have ChatGPT, I’m not sure if anyone knows this, but you can type in, “I’m having a panic attack. Please help me through it.”  ChatGPT will then spell out all the conventional methods taught by therapists like breathing exercises and the 54321 method. It’s free, too. Therapy runs at least $150 an hour nowadays. For that, they should be doing more than just reciting basic exercises you can find online, but I digress. 

One of the things that helps, which is controversial, is actually physical exercise. Just like with every other method, it will sometimes work and sometimes not. But it gets the most amount of pushback, I think because it’s the most difficult thing on the list to do. It’s easy to breathe. It’s not easy to go for a jog or walk. 

Even though I’m cutting back on sugar, I made fruit juice bottles with half a capsule of gabapentin to help with tapering. I am bringing one to work today and the other half of the capsule either tomorrow or the day after. Next time I go shopping, I’m going to have to look for some juice with a lower sugar content. This is just something I picked up quickly from a gas station. I wasn’t thinking about the sugar when I bought it- I wasn’t just thinking about not tasting the drug. 

I also want to end this with a bit of a rant. I think it’s grossly unfair that I sought help like I was supposed to, got the help, and then been made to feel like some horrible person for wanting more of that help. Gabapentin didn’t have the negative stigma back when my old doctor tried me on it, and I actually commend her for thinking outside the box. I don’t know what happened to make the professionals create a negative stigma against people who take it. Maybe the laws changed or maybe there was a study. Idk. 

The plan now is to take 200 milligrams if I'm feeling super horrible, and subsequently just try everything on the free lists you find online. The good news is that I’m in a much better life situation now than when I first started experiencing them in 2014. Maybe 5-10 years from now, things will be even better. I just have to keep the faith and keep working hard. 

“But Why Do You Like The Music?”

 

We celebrated Anna’s 18th birthday at the house yesterday. I gave her a Dollar General gift card, because she loves Dollar General. The candles are being saved for my mom for next year when she turns 81. Perfect timing there. 

Today we are doing inventory at a convenience store and started at 5:30 am. The shop manager had a Muslim prayer rug and did his prayers facing east when there were no customers in the store. This store also has the local Christian contemporary radio station KSBJ 89.3 on blast, and my dude knows most of the words to most of the songs. He’s been on his Jesus jam all morning long. Nothing wrong with liking the music of another religion. 

After I had my daughter, I had sort of a crisis of faith. But I still always listened to Christian radio and knew a lot of the lyrics. My ex husband used to get on my case. “Well if you don’t believe in it, why do you still like the music?”  

Because I’m allowed to, that’s why. If I was on speaking terms with him, I’d tell him about this manager. Singing all these songs and not missing a beat, while making sure he gets his prayer facing Mecca in. 

Pharmacy Phone Call

 The phone rang at 10:30 this morning. It was the Walmart pharmacy letting me know that they couldn’t fill my gabapentin. 

I take gabapentin for anxiety, and it works better than anything a psychiatrist will prescribe. The only problem is the discrimination against people who take this medication that comes from pharmacies and some psychiatrists. The pharmacy always has some issue with filling it. Sometimes the issue is flat out refusal based on the fact that they think you’re some kind of drug addict if you take it. 

I’ve dealt with this by taking less than prescribed and building a stockpile. I have it on auto refill, and when I get the text that there’s a refill ready to be picked up, I go in the evening when it’s all young people working (except for the actual pharmacist of course). The last time this happened was on May 29th. The bottle said one refill was remaining. 

When the phone rang this morning and it was the Walmart pharmacy stating that they weren’t able to refill my gabapentin, I assumed they meant that they were just going to refuse the last refill altogether. I responded with, “Even though my doctor is allowing me to have one more refill?”  

The pharmacist said, “Because it’s too early. This is June 8th, you just picked up on May 29th.  Are you out already?”  

I was taken aback.  I said, “No I’m not out and I think it’s a little weird that you would even try to refill it now anyway.”  

She then responded that I had called the automated system to request a refill. I promise you I did not do that.  I told her I did not do that. She insisted, “Well I have it right here that you called and requested a refill of gabapentin.”  She then reiterated that I couldn’t pick up until June 27th. I said that was fine and that I didn’t call.  She gave me the rudest, “Ooooookaaaayyyy” ever and hung up.  I then wondered if I had called it in in my sleep. I checked my call log. I did not call the Walmart pharmacy even according to my call log. I checked the call logs of my husband and daughter. Neither of them called either. Not that I think either of them would do that, but still. I had gaslit myself into thinking I sleep-called, so anything was possible. 

This was just so off putting. I have had a lot of  problems with the pharmacy giving me a hard time about that being what I take. They wouldn’t have such a problem with it if I was taking an SSRI or SNRI. In fact if I was taking any of those drugs, I’d probably be the biggest hero mama for caring for my mental health. This kind of feels intentional. It’s definitely a good thing I have a stockpile. And it’s a good thing I don’t get as many panic attacks as I used to. 

Random Memory

 I was thinking today about how my daughter is turning 18 in five short days, and how she’ll be allowed to make her own choices now. 

I got braces when I was 15. Three years later, I still had them on. I didn’t want them to stay on though. All of my friends who had braces only had them for a year or so. Plus it was painful. 

As soon as I learned that I had the choice to make my own medical decisions at age 18, I went to my orthodontist and asked nicely but firmly to have them removed. They were PISSED.  I actually don't know how I had the strength to do that. They were all much older and the pleasant demeanor they had for the past three years turned quickly into anger when I tried to exercise my right. 

So he took them off. They gave me a retainer. The extremely pissed office manager told me that if I didn’t wear the retainer for the rest of my life, the teeth would go all the way back to how crooked they were three years earlier. 

I believed her. I mean, when you’re young, you have no choice but to believe older people. Thirty years ago they knew that. So I think a lot of them exaggerated things on purpose, not thinking that someday we’d figure out how wrong they were about a lot of things. 

I hated the retainer too. Food got trapped in it, and it was disgusting. I couldn’t clean it constantly. I wore it for a month, and one day while driving down the road, I rolled my window down while driving and tossed it in the desert. I feel bad now for littering, but I don’t feel bad for going against the advice of the office manager. I’m now almost 47, and she was indeed wrong. My teeth didn’t move all the way back to where they were at age 15. 

Busy Times

 It’s only a week now until my daughter turns 18.  For clarification, the only reason why I’m looking so forward to her 18th birthday is so I can do away with the custody arrangements I have with her dad and stepmother.  It hasn’t really been enforced since she got her first job, but legally, the order itself ends the day she turns 18.  Then, she can come and go as she pleases.  

For her birthday, I’m buying her the same real estate class I took about two years ago.  I’m also getting her a half price books gift card.  On Friday the 6th, I’m taking her to Olive Garden, and we are going to download the app and get her an account for the real estate class. That way, they’ll email me coupon codes that I can use for when I get the class on her actual birthday on Wednesday.  It doesn’t let you sign up if you’re even a day shy of 18.  

We have an extremely busy two weeks at work this week and next.  The chain we’re doing has some interesting items, including this toy.  It’s a sling shot with poop emoji.  Wow.  Would you get your kids this?  If I had seen this two + years ago when I was in a relationship with a single father, I probably would have gotten this for his kids.  I used to kind of purposely buy them things that I knew would piss him off.  

They also have this ungodly over abundance of pb&j Reese's cups. Would you try these?  I haven’t gotten any, because I’m avoiding sugar. If I get ravaged by a sweet tooth, I might pick one up. They also have them with strawberry jam. Not sure why they ordered so many. 

They also had Elote Mexican corn flavored blue diamond almonds. The last store we did had 13 packages, and I bought all 13. They are supposed to be over $3, but at this store they were ringing up $1.09. Almonds are on the green light list for my diet, I love Elote, and my jaw is feeling a lot better. I had jaw pain for a couple weeks, probably from anxiety and gritting my teeth. But now it’s healed and gone, and I can have almonds again. They do not spoil. 

In other news, I know I’ve mentioned here that I started a Wordpress blog a year ago, in June of 2024. It was all about the work I did with kids, along with some current day stuff. I called it the child advocate’s blog. Well they emailed me telling me to renew for $50, and I didn’t want to. So I copy pasted all but two of the posts into a blogspot blog for free. I’ll link it here when I feel confident enough to. I also should work more on it. There are 25 posts as of right now. It “can” be controversial. I’m not afraid of controversy, but actually, yes I might be a little. I’m not afraid of people disagreeing, but I am afraid of them going batshit crazy over disagreeing. It makes me wonder if I really want to write this book. Good thing I’ll realistically be pretty old by the time I finish it. I’ll be dead before I can witness the controversy. 

Alex

 Since I got so many comments on my last post about how adorbs my cat is, I decided to share more pics. Enjoy!