Organizing quilt squares ⏹️🔲⬜️⬛️

 I’ve been sitting on my closet floor trimming the pen marks off of the 6 inch squares for my quilts. Any unevenness this causes doesn’t matter and can be worked through when I do the clipping to create the chenille effect. 

I love being hyper focused on these quilts. Being hyper focused on an activity like this that requires constant doing really calms my mind. When I worked with my husband on the inventory crew, inventory did the same effect. 

I love this shelving unit in our enormous closet. It’s perfect for my quilts and squares. Notice how the ones I trimmed pen marks off of look super neat while the ones I haven’t gotten to yet are a mess. 

I Was Right

 When I got a comment a couple days ago suggesting that the bad luck I’ve had seeking therapy is probably because they told me “an inconvenient truth” that I didn’t like, I suspected they meant the fact that I married my supervisor. I was correct. They told me yesterday that that was a “concern”. 

So basically, if I try to go to therapy to process trauma that I went through as a child and in my 20’s and 30’s, I won’t get anywhere until they persuade me that marrying my old boss in my 40’s was a no-no. And there’s an age gap but I guess at my age, they’re ok now.  The problem was where and how we met.  That’s a huge juxtaposition, because doing that job at the time and meeting him were all so good for me. There were two bosses above him- and BOTH of their spouses also work there. 

It tears me apart, because if processing trauma needs to be done, and I can’t do that unless I sit there and get asked and asked and asked about marrying n my boss until I realize it was “wrong” then what will the end result be?  Will I have to leave Kevin? Would that be the goal?  There’s no way I can heal from past traumas that happened before I met him if doing so means leaving him. There’s absolutely no way. Going through that would be awful, and I can’t believe this is happening- but at least I know where a bulk of the problem lies between me and “therapists”.  

When I was a teenager, they ostracized me for having parents that stayed married. “Yes your dad may punch holes in the walls, but at least he’s in the home.” 🙄   That was something beyond my control, but marrying Kevin actually was in my control. 

Kevin and I were married by Judge Kranak on March 19, 2025. The judge asked us how we met, and we told him. The judge just said “oh ok!”  And proceeded with the marriage vows. He did not say “oh wait that’s illegal” and send us home. And he’s a judge and that was a courtroom. 

The way this commenter said it bothered me too. “They just told you an inconvenient truth, and you didn’t like it” makes me sound like some bitch that doesn’t “do the work” (“not doing the work” is and insult people use against people who do not go to therapy, and it’s so insulting and awful). And yeah, I didn’t like it!  Don’t tell me that one of the best things that happened to me in the last couple years was a “concern”. I’m not concerned, he’s not concerned, and neither is anyone in his company. Not their spouses that also work there. There’s no concern. 

The thing is, that once you start offensively defending your marriage, it looks like you’re hiding abuse. But I wasn’t aware, or even cared, about therapists’ disdain for marrying bosses until it came up while in a consultation and a brief timeline of events in my life. There was one I couldn’t see because of it. Now because of that, I have to ask other therapists “Do you mind that I married someone who I met while he was my superior at work?” The fact that I have to ask makes it look like I’m hiding a red flag in my own relationship, when in reality it’s because another therapist had way more of a problem with it than she should have. And literally all of the ones I brought it up with in “free 15 minutes sessions” took issue. 

It’s hard, and it’s harder when you come across people who insist on therapy being the only way to heal. But I need to accept that I have to work at myself on my own. There are many things that I can do, and therapists can’t really come up with anything n that I can’t think of myself. Am I going to “die” because I’m someone they can’t/won’t help? Am I going to “die” because I did a major life choice they don’t agree with?  I doubt it, but if so, then so be it. I have had the most joy I can have at this point at age 48. I have the most wonderful daughter and husband. I’m happy and I do not have any regrets when it comes to Anna and Kevin. I have done well, and naysayers aside, I’m going to do even better. I’ve done so much so unconditionally. I can do it again. 

Visit to Houston

 Yesterday I went on a day trip back to Houston, because the merchandiser app sent me a really good offer. They paid more than double the starting pay for the bread aisle jobs and gave me a nice travel bonus. I wasn’t able to get all of the locations though, so my travel bonus will be prorated. 

I then spent the night with Kevin in Hempstead and came back to Austin this morning. On the way back, I did a $15 job in Brenham and a $15 job in Elgin, both on the field agent app. Kevin and I really enjoyed our time together. My mother in law was happy to see me as well. I was afraid she was mad at me for the Austin move 😕

My elderly cat Alex is still with Kevin and will move in with my daughter when the move finally happens. Anna asked for one of the cats. I posted a video above of me being reunited with Alex after a month apart. He acted like he didn’t give a shit about me, but I did get some bonks. 

At Kevin’s job on the Houston crews there are two new people and two more starting tomorrow and Monday. One has face tattoos and the other one refuses to do certain things until he gets a raise. And he’s been there a week. I know the Houston manager and his wife are bitching up a storm about these two. 

I’m back to work at the group home tonight at midnight. Drunk text boss is having surgery today, but the mercury retrograde lady is taking all of her hours. That’s fine with me. I just hope she shows up to relieve me. If she doesn’t, I’ll pile the ladies in the van and go to dollar general. 

Yesterday the 12th, I got my first full check. Ugh that was nice. I’ve been working over a month. The last check was the end of July, and it was only half the amount this one was. I paid my phone bill and bought a bunch of things I need at each store I did side jobs at. I also paid $57 into my smallest student loan, which rests now at only $250. I also sent my daughter an allowance on Cash App. 

Now I’m back at my apartment in Austin and putting my things away while getting organized. At the last store I did a side job at in Elgin, I bought colder groceries. 

I needed olive oil and got this deal- buy that store brand olive oil and get one free store brand spice in a glass jar. I have no spices here, so I got oregano. What a deal! 

“It worked for me.”

I got a comment last night regarding my posts about seeking therapy. This comment said that therapy worked for them, and just because I had bad experiences doesn’t mean that all therapy is bad. Oh absolutely!  I just want to make it clear that when I am talking about my own experiences in my own space, I’m talking about my life only. I learned a long time ago that different things are good for different people. It would be a pretty boring place if we were all the same. My only intent by sharing my experience is to simply share my experience. I am not lobbying to outlaw therapy by any means. If something helps you personally, and that thing isn’t illegal, then keep doing it!  

I thought that was assumed!  

This person also said that the therapists probably told me “an inconvenient truth” and I didn’t like it. If that is true, then I would like to know what inconvenient truth?  Perhaps they meant that I should not have flirted with my supervisor in 2023 and subsequently married him. Yes I know, in general, that’s looked down on. But it’s not like this was some corporate job, and it’s not like he was some politician. It was an inventory service for Christ sake!  The latest person they hired had face tattoos!  There are several other people in that company that got their significant others jobs there.  And even if it was still wrong to do what I did three years ago?  What am I going to do about it now?  Leave my husband?  Try and make me?  You can’t, because the latest narrative that therapists are trying to push is that they don’t make people do things they don’t want to do. This latest narrative is in response to what some are calling “the trend” for adult children to go no contact with parents. Estranged parents are blaming therapists, and therapists all of a sudden are all about not telling people what they should do. 

What they actually do instead, is they ask you repeated questions about your bad choice and if you still won’t comply, they “hold you accountable”. Basically, it’s telling you what to do with extra steps. One person called it “motivational interviewing.”  The estranged parents who go online and start smear campaigns against their own sons and daughters are telling on themselves and only make people side with their kids more. But do I think they’re right about the therapists telling their kids what to do?  Absolutely. Therefore, it wouldn’t make sense to try and tell me my marriage is wrong. If you don’t  tell people to cut off their parents then you can’t tell anyone to leave their spouse.

I’m not actually sure that’s what she meant though. It’s possible that she was just someone who felt undermined because someone said what worked for her didn’t work for me. That can be sort of threatening when you haven’t fully accepted the fact that people are very diverse. We should all be leaning into the things that work for us and make us healthier and happier. Sometimes, if I hate apples and you say, “I love apples!” I might feel like that is a dig against me. But it isn’t. It’s about apples, not the person. Hope this helps. 

After reading this comment, I went to the fitness center and did ten minutes on the elliptical machine. This time, my back didn’t go out!  Also it felt great!  The elliptical is definitely one way to get the anxiety out. 

Old Friend

 Well Mary, your post about homeless people asking you for change reminded me of an old memory that was too long for a comment. So here’s a post about it. 

This happened more than 20 years ago, because I know it was before my daughter was born. I was about to walk into Einstein bagels on Montrose Blvd in Houston. I had a $10gift card. A homeless woman asked me if I had any change. I said no and then literally said, “I have no money” which for me at the time, meant, I’m not carrying cash and I was also using a gift card. Back then, stuff was a lot cheaper and I didn’t know that you didn’t have to spend the whole gift card in one trip to get the full value. So I got two bagels and a bunch of snacks. This is also how you know this was an extremely long time ago. All that for $10!  

As I was walking out with my bag, this same woman started accosting me  “yeah right! You have no money but you got all of that!”  I kind of felt bad for her so I just gave her one of the two toasted bagels.  Then I remembered I had some loose change in my cup holder  I offered it to her, and she said no, and she was very happy with the bagel  

Several months later I saw her again at the nearby Walgreens.  She approached me and asked if I had any change.  I said no, but asked her what she needed. I can’t remember what else she said but she wanted rubbing alcohol to clean her skin.   We chatted a while and she was cool.  

The third time I saw her was even more months later.  This time, it was pouring rain and it was outside of Walgreens again.  I said, “oh hey!  I have not seen you for a while!”  I could tell she didn’t recognize me, but still wanted to use the fact that I remembered her to ask for something.  She told me, “Well I got my own place now”.  I congratulated her and asked where.  She told me.  It was about 3-4 miles away and due to the rain that was just starting, she asked if she could have a ride back  

In the car, she explained that she was able to get the apartment due to an organization in Houston that helped people with HIV/AIDS.  When I dropped her off, I didn’t go in, but I did wait in my car until she walked in.  She had three or four plants on her balcony.

That was the last time I saw her.  When I told my mother about it, my mother went and got her Clorox wipes and made me wipe down the passenger seat of my car.  She still had the 1980’s misconceptions about HIV-AIDS 

Chartreuse Notebooks 📒 📒 📒

 I just got to work for my Sunday night 8pm until Monday morning 8 am shift, and I brought my three chartreuse notebooks to write in. I have over a dozen more. Mostly chartreuse, but some pink and some orange. 

This is my method for books/writing projects that are entirely in your head, but you are overwhelmed with the idea of getting them onto paper. 

One notebook like this per project. 

One sentence at a time. 

Skip five or six lines between sentences. 

Later on, when you think of something that goes somewhere you’ve already written about, jot it in the 5-6 lines between the sentences it goes between. 

If there still isn’t room, add a sticky note. 

Once full or almost full, start a new notebook with 5-6 more lines between all sentences (even the ones you jotted down later). 

Rinse and repeat until project is finished. 

First, a picture of my two babies here in Austin. 

Secondly, I found an app called rebound for trauma therapy. I very begrudgingly agreed to a “free 15 minute session” (which is basically interviewing you so they can decide if they want to help you).  The lady on the other line was helpful and kind- I do not think she was a therapist though. I think she was a sales rep or maybe some kind of medical assistant therapy version. She explained that they do a method called “Pervasive Exposure” therapy. She explained it. I explained my ACES situation briefly and she gave the disclaimer that I think they all have to make, but don’t actually implement- that it doesn’t matter what you’ve been through or haven’t been through etc. I then asked about some elements of my story potentially not being believable to a therapist. She explained that the therapy method doesn’t depend on anyone believing you, it just goes through your reactions while recounting the memories and easing those up. 

Hmm I see. Then I did what they all say not to do and went to ChatGPT and told it to guide me through PE therapy. I’m going to have to think extremely hard about actually going to someone. They say not to use ChatGPT as a therapist, because they’ll lose income if everyone did so. But the fact that it’s not actually human means it literally can’t believe or disbelieve me. It has to automatically think that I can have this type of therapy if I ask for it. It’s not thinking that my trauma isn’t valid. A human therapist might. Just saying. 

 

I got off at work at 8:00 am and walked with Kevin a little in the park this morning. I lowered my step goal to 5500 and hope to achieve that each day this week.