Bullet Journaling 📓 📝

 My plan for the bullet journal was to get a planner and jot down a few points on each day, in the beginning of the day. Then I started listening to the audiobook, and I realized it’s a whole process. There’s nothing intimidating about the big process, though. Ryder Carrol, the author, came up with this system himself, and he has ADHD. There’s “no rules”, but there are some key elements. The “no rules” part just has to do with what you chose your goals to be and what you yourself put in there. As I listened to the method a second time, I realized that not only would a few lines in a planner not work, but the actual bullet journal has the potential to work for me. 

When I worked at the children’s museum, we used to have about 30-50 minutes between the museum opening and the rush of children (on weekdays that is- because of the start times of school tours.  Weekends there was always a rush.) I used to get out a piece of chartreuse paper and a very sharp pencil and make my to do lists during this dead time. This was during my pregnancy and when my daughter was a small child. She was born a year after I started there, and I can’t remember if she was in first or second grade when I left to finish school. After I finished college of course is when my life completely fell apart and I started having disabling panic attacks. To-do lists were suddenly a thing of the past, and I didn’t even realize my system was being dismantled, nor did I realize how the system helped me. 

It’s well past time to restart an organization system for the many aspects of life. I can definitely still do chartreuse paper and super sharp pencils and throwing it away when all items are crossed off. I want something new, though. Of course, I can do that if bulletproof journals don’t work out.  

I do have SOME chartreuse paper, so I can use it to brainstorm topics for the bulletproof journals journal. 

Let’s see how this works out. www.bulletjournal.com

Christmas Sucked

 Last night, my husband and I decided we aren’t going to celebrate any more holidays with my mom. She is just too difficult. Of course, she’s 80 years old, so we may not even have a choice but to celebrate with her. Every year for the next indefinite amount of years, she’s going to use the “I might be dead by next year” card to guilt us. 

Technically, any of us might be dead next year. It’s just that Thanksgiving was nice without her. 

As soon as we walked in the door, she asked Kevin if he is sick of me yet. I wanted to storm out, but my daughter was on her way. I wanted to see my daughter. I also struggle with constant conversation with my mom, because she gets mad at me/ outbursts at me if I respond wrong. She started to do that when I said I didn't want any more chips and salsa. So I was like, ok let me have some more. I have to pacify her constantly, and it’s exhausting. Kevin knows all about this and also knows that she would never do this to him. So he does most of the conversing with her to alleviate the stress off of me. It would be just my luck if my mom used that to accuse him of “not letting me speak” like an abusive and controlling husband. She hasn’t come up with that one yet, but some of my extended family would think that. 

When we got home, I decided to go to the emergency room to get heart palpitations checked out. I went to a cardiologist in 2024 for heart palpitations, and she diagnosed me with PVC’s at 9%. She told me to avoid energy drinks and take Propranolol. But the propranolol ran out, and at the time, I was told it was a controlled substance. It’s not- that’s what this ER doctor said. He gave me one in the ER, and also gave me a Valium. He then ran tests for a bunch of things including AFIB and a bunch of other things. Everything was normal except that my heart rate was 110. He called in refills of propranolol to the pharmacy, which I can pick up today. 

I decided that I need to start taking it regularly for my anxiety symptoms as a replacement for gabapentin. Most people who read this know my struggles obtaining that in the last year or so.  I have been taking this for anxiety for over four years, but it recently became a controlled substance in the last year or so. I quickly found out that if something becomes controlled while you’ve already been on it, then you get demonized like crazy. The narrative in society that you’re “such a brave strong woman for seeking help for your mental health” or whatever, no longer applies. You are now a villain, not a hero lol. I do have some remaining gabapentin, and they went into my safe. Also in my safe is my 100 Envelope challenge.  It’s there for extreme emergencies, but no one wants those. 

My phone must have been listening, because I started getting ads for Propranolol Candies. 🤦🏻‍♀️ 

I sent the link to my cousin/bff the doctor, and she said oh!  That’s problematic!!

It really is, because crap like that has the potential to eventually make propranolol a controlled substance. Then I’ll become a villain again for wanting refills. Four or five years ago, gabapentin was actually given out freely because they wanted to stop giving benzodiazepines. We aren’t there yet though, so for now I can just use what’s available to me while I set the goals I want to set. 

Stay tuned for more New Years goals!

The 54321 Method

 If you have ever sought help for anxiety or depression, one thing you were surely taught was the “54321 Method.”  This is an exercise that’s supposed to calm you down by having you stop and analyze your surroundings by listing 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell and 1 thing you can taste. For instance, right now, I can see my cursor, my keyboard, darkness because the light is off, my left thumb and my right thumb. I can hear Kevin snoring, the fan, the AC, and the cat. I am touching the bed, the blanket, and my nightgown. I can’t smell or taste anything. I think I just got some of the numbers mixed up, but it doesn’t matter. 

The thing about this, is that it doesn’t really help. It might ground you for about five seconds, but the fact that I can see this and that or hear this and that isn’t inherently helpful. 

In my latest Audible find, The Bullet Journal Method by Ryder Carrol, he describes a completely different 54321 method. One that can help much more. In this one, you have five separate goals lists. Your goals for the next five years, goals for the next four months, goals for the next three weeks, goals for the next two days, and goals for the next one hour. 

Ryder then breaks down how to break down longer term goals into smaller ones. I thought this list of five lists was genius. This 54321 method can get someone somewhere. 

If only it was possible for me right now. I had a bit of a nervous breakdown today. My panic attacks feel like actual nerve issues. It’s not painful, it’s just a torturous creepy crawling sensation in my arms, legs and upper chest that can be unbearable. I hesitate to say it’s worse than any pain I’ve ever felt including childbirth, but it is literally worse than any physical pain I’ve ever felt including childbirth. I’d rather have triplets than a panic attack. At least they numb you for that. I fully realize that I’ve never felt the worst pain humanly possible, and I definitely don’t want to- that’s why I hate to say that they’re worse than physical pain, because I don’t want karma to bite me in the ass for saying that out loud. This is 100% a “true for me” statement.  I already know for other people it’s worse and that I’ve only given birth once so was probably “just lucky.”  Just putting that out there!  

I wish I could see a neurologist instead of a psychiatrist. A psychiatrist is only going to give me antidepressants, and like I’ve said, they either do nothing or give me akathisia (which a neurologist would also understand- a psychiatrist will just tell you you aren’t giving the meds enough of a chance.) I have been feeling lately like my nerves are shot. I feel on the verge of being able to accomplish a ton of good things if only I felt normal instead of like my nerves are shot. I couldn’t concentrate at work today. I was just a mess. If only I felt better, I could do the 54321 method and even have a five year plan. 

I came home and realized that tomorrow is Christmas Day, and we are going to my mom’s house. My daughter is going too. I didn’t acknowledge until now that I dread going there with Kevin, because my mom tends to try and talk Kevin against me. She used to do it with my friends when I was a teenager, too. It actually caused some of my teenage friends to ditch me. I know Kevin is more mature than that, though. It’s just a sense of dreading and a realization that I hate the holidays. Even when I was raising my daughter and we lived just the two of us in our own place for over 8 years, I had to do the Santa thing with her on the winter solstice, because the holidays were always about appeasing the grandparents and doing what they wanted. I literally used the pagan wheel of the year to do my own celebrations with her and to make my own memories with her because of all the extreme demands of the older generation on the actual holidays. If you don’t t do exactly what they want, they’re “so hurt” but they don’t care about hurting you. It’s like I have to take constantly being hurt and insulted but they can’t take one iota of it. 

Kevin is glad we have a day off tomorrow, but I’d rather be working. I’ve worked so hard the last few years to be in a place where I’m free and stable and ultimately happy- but there’s no point to any of it because I just have to go home again. There have been so many times in my life where I thought I was breaking free only to end up in that hellhole house. Why does that have to be the case?  What was the point of all the trying?  Was my soul being benefitted from all the trying to break free?  When am I ever going to be able to live without having to feel like the type of person they always wanted me to feel like?  Did my soul choose this?  It’s just always so inevitable that I end up back there. 

I could write my goals for the next five years, four months and whatever else, but it feels pointless. I’m just going to be forced back into the lives of individuals who will laugh at those goals no matter what they are. 

Exposure/Response Prevention Therapy

I struggle a lot with weird compulsions. The most prominent one is that if someone tells me “bye” then I feel compelled to “cancel it out” by saying “see you later”. If I see anything disturbing, such as a billboard for MD Anderson cancer center, I grit my teeth to “cancel it out”. Lots of things I feel like I have to do seven times to feel “right” even if only once does the trick (such as locking my car or turning off burners). I don’t turn the burners on and off seven times, I turn it to the left seven times if it’s already off. 

Most people would say this is classic OCD.  I always ran into trouble getting a diagnosis, though. From people thinking I “came from a good family” when I was younger to once I got older people thinking OCD required a hand washing compulsion that I don’t have, the actual formal label always eluded me. My current therapist, however, validated it immediately. “That’s classic OCD,” she literally said. Oh ok. I can only give so much credibility to labels when I spent so many decades as someone otherwise undeserving of help for whatever reason. 

My therapist also sent me a handout for exposure and response prevention therapy or ERP.

Now, someone pleas help me out with this if you can. Please hold my hand like I’m five and tell me what I’m missing. 

If I went to my conservative elderly uncle and said, “I’m struggling with this.” And described to him the compulsions, he’d likely say, “Just don’t do those things.”  And in response to that, what would any proponent of mental health care say?  They would say, “Don’t settle for someone telling you to just not do something! Go to a real therapist who is licensed in this sort of thing!”  

That sort of response suggests that the actual treatment for OCD compulsions contain something more. But just look over these two handouts and tell me-

Isn’t this just a professional way of telling someone “Just don’t do the thing”?  That’s all this method essentially is. Instead of going to some random family or friend and having them tell you “Just don’t do the thing”, you can pay a lot of money and have professionals tell you to just not do the thing. They might make it look prettier, but they’re literally just, that’s all they’re saying here. 

If I’m missing something, please comment and tell me what I’m missing!  I’m 100% open to learning!

 

Fruitful Day

 

I’m so happy that this little stinker adopted us as his forever family. I took him to the vet today.  No microchip!  He’s a boy, and he’s 6 months old. Very cool that his gotcha day being the winter solstice, the vet aging him at six months old puts his birthday at the summer solstice. This is a very magical cat. Between my husband, my daughter and I all shooting down each other’s name ideas, we finally decided that his name is Jordan. He got shots and will be neutered in January.   I adore this cat. He is just such a good boy. He’s happy, and he’s determined. We have been seeing him here and there. He always gave us a look of longing as if to say, “Will you guys please be my new mommy and daddy?”  

I put Anna’s latest selfie with purple hair up against the ChatGPT candy cane backdrop everyone is doing. She loves it and so do I. My mom thinks she was really in a Candy cane exhibit. 

Then I opened the merchandiser app to find that there was a merchandising job for Lume deodorant. These spray deodorants have faulty nozzles, but the deodorant still sprays out. They want to clear the shelves of it, so they’re reimbursing people for at least five bottles in one transaction. The more you buy, the better. And you’ll be reimbursed for whatever you buy. I also had to record inventory of each sku and merchandise the remaining products I didn’t buy. I am going to get full reimbursement plus $4. And that’s $75 worth right there. They smell nice. I’m giving some to my mom and daughter. My coworker is also on the merchandiser app and when she’s seen jobs like this, she’s asked “Why spend $75 to make $4?” (Or whatever numbers).  Because of the reimbursement, that’s why!  And if you need these products anyway, just like everyone needs deodorant, then you now will not be running out for a while. 

Cat Distribution System 🖤 🐈‍⬛ 🖤

We got home this evening from Llano, Texas, only to find we’ve been blessed by the cat distribution system. 

I’ve seen this cat around. I’ve wanted a black cat for years.  This one has been milling around the property we live on. It immediately jumped into our arms and insisted on going in our house. I had already decided to go Walmart shopping once I got home, and Kevin texted me on the way to get another liter box and more cat food. This cat is extremely friendly. I have a doctor appointment of my own tomorrow, and Kevin asked if I’d take it to the vet afterwards. We want to find out if it’s healthy, male or female, and if it’s microchipped. 

I then started scrolling TikTok and instantly realized that today was the winter solstice and during the festivities at Stonehenge, a black cat climbed the stones. 

I’m taking name suggestions!

 

2026 Goals

 I recently looked back on my blog post from December of 2024 when I set goals for 2025. The first thing I talked about was weight loss and how I wanted to do 10,000 steps a day. Haha, 10,000 steps a day definitely didn’t happen. My main weight loss happened in 2024, but it stayed the same this year. My step count has only been on average 2000-5000 steps a day, depending on work. My husband makes it a point to actually go to the park and walk. I simply don’t do that. I should. Usually when he goes, I just crap out on my bed and doom scroll. Doing that isn’t good for mental health either. 

I also said I wanted to pay off my car and that my hybrid would potentially need a new battery, which might impede my ability to pay the car itself off. Well, both of those goals were met this year. I paid the car off AND got it a new hybrid battery. 😪 

Absolutely no plans on selling that car any time soon. It has 222K miles on it, but the new battery made it run like almost new. 

For 2026 goals regarding health/step count and finances, I would say a realistic financial goal would be to get my total student loan balance down to four figures in 2026. A few months ago, I was serious about paying it down. Then, on the student loans subreddit, several (and I mean several) people started posting that they paid theirs off years ago, and are just now being notified that they owe crazy amounts. And these aren’t people who received any sort of forgiveness- these are people who paid it off with cash money. When I started seeing all those posts, I stopped caring so much about decreasing the balance considerably and only started decreasing it minimally. 

Since my weight plateaued for the entirety of 2025, I think I should definitely revisit the 10,000 step count. Yesterday when we got paid, I bought three extra audible credits and then three titles I was interested in. Because of that, I earned a $15 credit, so I used that on a fourth extra title. That should help with the walking. 

One of the audiobooks I got is called The Bullet Journal Method by Ryder Carrol. I was thinking about getting a planner for 2026, and keeping it on my desk. I really want to challenge the notion that I “can’t” keep a planner. I was told that my whole life, long before I was diagnosed with ADHD. Then when I got the ADHD diagnosis, there was crap everywhere with the message that people with ADHD can’t do planners. If I just keep it on my desk and remind myself that if life happens and I don’t bullet journal in the planner for a day or two I haven’t “failed at it”, then I can really conquer that belief about myself. 

I really really want to focus on getting better from anxiety. That’s the main thing that will solve many problems. I can’t believe that next month, it will be 12 years since I started having panic attacks. For about the first five years, it was extremely bad. Sometimes I wonder, what do I do if the extremely bad happens again?  What if I get really bad like that again?  Part of me assumes I would lose my job and that my husband would divorce me. Then I slow down and think of what actually helps my anxiety. Honestly, my job does, and my husband does. Having cared for children and elderly since I was basically a child myself, doing inventory is a nice, factual reprise from constant moral dilemmas. I told my manager once, there are no moral dilemmas in inventory. The count just is what it is. It’s also constant mental action. Quantity, quantity, quantity, quantity, quantity. It literally takes all the pent up anxiety in my system and gets it out. It’s hard to explain. My husband is also a great support person. He’s amazing, actually, and I met him at this job. I know that I have to placate women who demand to know “what I would do if he died or left me”, but honestly, none of those women would approve of my top three answers, so fuck them. He also swears he’ll never leave me. Am I supposed to trust my own partner or pacify the women who demand to know what I would do if he did (who would not approve of what I would do anyway)? A balance of both, probably, especially since it’s entirely possible that he could drop dead. 

He definitely isn’t leaving me over panic attacks. He’d be pissed if I missed work over a panic attack, but he’s not going to leave me over missing work, and it doesn’t make sense to miss work for a panic attack when the actual job itself helps anxiety. I have thought of possibly looking at intensive outpatient programs to have on hand in case my severe panic attacks come back, but here’s the catch- Those programs will not do shit for me. All psychiatrists do when prescribing medications is trial and error. Nothing is based on anything tangible like bloodwork, urine, or imaging. Antidepressants like Zoloft and escitalopram will either do nothing for me like a placebo, or they give me a terrible side effect called akathisia. The same goes for anti anxiety medications like buspar, hydroxyzine, or any benzodiazepine. Gabapentin works!  But they no longer want to prescribe that. In fact, if you tell them that’s what works, they think you’re this shitty person and will accost the absolute hell out of you. So why would I want to give psychiatrists a second thought when literally all they have to go on is patient testimony, but my patient testimony isn’t what they want to hear?  It’s best to just look within myself for “help”. Maybe my anxiety disorder wouldn’t have lasted 12 years if I had done that in the first place. But, what choice did I have, the cheerleading for mental health care is everywhere. “Oh honey you deserve” (meds, therapy, etc), but then “No not like that” when I describe my experience with it. 

I do have a therapist that I see every two weeks, and she’s a great person, but I’m still trying to figure out what solutions she really has. It took me a lot of mental energy to secure this therapist. The process of finding one was an absolute nightmare. They all require “15 minute free sessions” and then what ended up happening was that I couldn’t explain everything in 15 minutes. So whatever small snippet I could get out in that time frame, the therapist would single that out and say she “doesn’t specialize” in whatever I just said and therefor it “wouldn’t be a good fit”. It was emotionally fucking brutal. It felt like going on job interviews, except for the fact that I have never faced nearly that much rejection in job interviews. And it’s not like I could “just remember not to bring that topic up to the next one in a 15 minute session” because they would do it no matter what vast topic I brought up. Finally, with this one I’ve been seeing, I was emailing her back and forth for a couple weeks beforehand, and I was EXTREMELY VAGUE in those emails. I would just say, I want 6-8 sessions where I just tell you my life story. That’s it. She ran my insurance, and it worked. She pressed a little bit, and eventually insisted on a 15 minute free session, but I did not go into ANY detail until my first session that started with “I was born…” and then about five or six sessions later, I got to present day. That’s the way to do it, honestly. 

And yes I want to tell my therapist some of my plans for 2026 on how to help myself, although im not sure what she can say except “That’s great”.  She might surprise me, though.  I feel like I need to keep her at bay not only so I can “say” I’m seeking professional help and not doing it all on my own, but in case the unthinkable does happen and the panic disorder gets so bad again that I’m practically disabled.  

So I’ll wrap up this blog post by saying bc that for 2026, my financial and health goals will center around the number 10,000. 10,000 steps per day and the total student loan balance being under $10,000. Keep a 2026 planner by my desk and bullet journal in it most days. Use audiobooks to help with the walking. This will also be better for my mental health than bed ridden doom scrolling I do when my husband goes walking. 

I also want to close this with a quick memory. In 2026, I’m turning 48. My mother’s 48th birthday was memorable. We were on the road moving from Chicago to Arizona. We spent her birthday in a motel in Oklahoma and ordered pizza. Then we went to bed, and my father insisted on leaving at 3:30 am because our dog was borking and he didn’t tell the front desk that we had a dog. To this day, my mother will insist that we did, but I distinctly remember that being the reason he wanted to leave before we got caught. I can’t believe I’m almost the same age my mom was when we did that move. My dad was 51at the time. I can’t believe kind of understand their desire to go to Arizona, now that I’m older. It really is unique there. At the time, I couldn’t wait to leave. If I ever went back there, it would probably be cool for about a year and then I’d get sick of it again. Happy new year!