Cancel Please!

 This morning I stuck up for myself. I told gift card boss I didn’t want to work with that one male client anymore, and I also canceled my Wednesday therapy appointment and will not ever be seeking therapy again. 

EMDR is the first thing anyone suggests when you tell them you have a PTSD diagnosis. If there are “other things that can be done” then it’s obviously not anything most mental health professionals want to be practicing on someone. I know from experience that if you question some of them, you are seen as second guessing them or being non compliant. 

EMDR looks like the therapist is doing a magic trick or an illusion. It also looks like they’re doing mind control. It looks like hypnosis, and the movements they make you do remind me of nervous tics that I’ve always had to repress and overcome my entire life. If I say those things out loud, she will just tell me that this is scientifically proven to rewrite your brain. That scares me even more. I might be among the very low percentage of people it doesn’t work for. I might come out of it actually mentally disabled or even nonverbal or having psychosomatic seizures. 

If you reject therapy, you are labeled as someone who isn’t trying or who doesn’t want to do the work. I would much rather wear that label than to have any sort of negative reaction to this. The fears I have of this are things that only I would have to deal with, and for the rest of my life. If someone gets offended at my choice “because therapy works for them” and they need to elevate themselves by giving me that label of “not wanting to do the work” then so be it. I absolutely never want to be sitting in front of any therapist and recounting traumatic experiences while she’s moving a finger in front of my face. Because what the fuck are you actually doing to me. 

And even if they say “it’s ok” that I’m not comfortable with it- it’s not ok. She likely does feel second guessed, she’s just not allowed to say that or wants to sound professional just because I’m new. 

Going to someone who I can talk to open and honestly is just never going to happen. It just isn’t out there. I’ve tried too many of them, there’s always something. I never ever ever in a million years want to go back to anyone ever again for fucking real this time. No more chances. I never want anyone trying to do anything of this sort. And it’s the number one recommendation. I do not feel like I am allowed to say it isn’t for me. They stigmatize you when you do that. 

I just have to spend the next few days recovering from how I’ve spiraled over this. I am in very bad shape.