Ramblings

 No I didn’t get a nose ring, but my daughter did. She’s 18 now, so she can. I want one if I get down about another 5-10 pounds. She also said she’s on a waiting list for a tattoo. She briefly explained the tattoo, and it’s similar to mine. I might show it when I get the final picture. 

This has been a challenging week, because Kevin had to travel to the dead ass middle of Texas while I am staying behind to work locally. The chain that we usually do all over that area is being done by our Austin crew, and Kevin has to run it because none of the Austin crew knows how. Kevin seemed unnecessarily bummed out that he had to travel without me. It makes me realize that even though he said he’d be supportive if I moved on to another job, he’d still really hate traveling without me. We travel often. I would bring that up, but nah. It actually makes me feel great that he would miss me that much. After decades of being told that if I got married, my husband would want to leave me for every little thing, turns out that’s not the case. 

Next week, I’ll be on vacation. There is going to be parent orientation at the university where my daughter is going, and I’m taking her on a road trip the rest of the week. I requested it a long time ago. 

I’m struggling a lot with my anxiety, but still working hard to fight it off. I often try to not take any gabapentin at all some days. It works, in that, I don’t have that many withdrawal symptoms. I do have bad anxiety though. If I have a withdrawal problem, I just take half a capsule. Actually the one time I did have withdrawals this week, I drank my apple juice that had 400 mg inside but I drank half at a time about four hours apart. It’s easy to fall into the “I need to go see someone who can help me” trap, but in the end that would be such a bad idea. I thought about maybe seeing another psychiatrist and letting them know that I would be willing to take gabapentin and an SSRI, just because they obviously push SSRI’s so much. However, in the end that also wouldn’t be smart. The doctor would just see me doing well and attribute it to the SSRI, not the gabapentin, and then take me “off” gabapentin.  I know this from experience as well. The whole experience makes me totally look down on them. Then I saw this meme:

Oh so snarky huh!!!  The point of this meme is that “you can’t” just cheer up, you need professionals. What the meme doesn’t tell you is that you can  go see as many professionals as you want, and they also are just going to tell you to cheer up. So, in my opinion, you might as well save your money and just cheer up. In fact, you might be able to use that money to help with whatever is stressing you out. 

I have had to tell myself over and over that a big part of the reason for my anxiety is that I have been on meds so long and now I’m not. At least I have a pretty decent stash  for in case it gets really bad. If I had been taking the full dose daily, then I would be out soon. That would absolutely suck. I just need to remind myself that no one I ever go to for help is actually going to help me. I have the tools, I just need to tap in and discover them. 

I also want to say thanks for all the encouragement on my child advocate blog. That blog is slow going. Ideally, I would write a post there daily. Ideally, I would also physically exercise daily as well. Perhaps that is a nice goal that would help my anxiety. 

One thing that I wasn’t sure should go on this blog or that one is what was recently discovered about the Duggar family from 19 Kids and Counting. As you may know, their oldest son is now serving time for CSAM. More recently, a young man who was dating one of their younger daughters but since moved on and married someone else, was arrested for sexual assault of a child under 12. It appears to have happened when he was 18-19 years old. His current wife made this post, which made its way to Reddit. I have a lot to say:

One of the comments under that post was, “I read the first two words of that and was hoping the rest of it would say ‘went down to Georgia.’”

Yeah no shit!  What an absolute piece of shit this couple is!  “Victim”. She didn’t just do that. And while it’s been many years since I’ve been to church, I have seen this sentiment quite a bit among them. They tend to hold minor sins against people pretty harshly but when it comes to CSA, it’s all about forgiveness all of a sudden. I noticed a lot of young people on TikTok claiming that the heavy push for forgiveness in past decades was not actually for the right reasons. In a lot of instance, people preached forgiveness so heavily because they themselves wanted to get away with abuse. I can believe that!  And when she says that she knows a lot of people who are also doing it, I want to say “Ok- go on…”

Child Advocates Blog

 For a little over a year, I’ve been slowly working on a blog dedicated to advocating for children. I talk about my experiences in the past as well as current day things. It’s one of my goals to keep up with. It used to be on Wordpress, but honestly I just don’t like Wordpress. I didn’t renew my subscription and just copy pasted all but two existing posts Here  

https://childadvocateblog.blogspot.com/?m=1

I have not shared it either here or on social media, because I’m scared of criticism. But just because I’m afraid of criticism, that doesn’t mean I’m saying don’t give me any of you have some.  I’m just scared of it, that’s all!  But I won’t be if it’s valid. So far I’m only sharing it here and not yet on my socials. If you have any current day topics you’d like me to discuss, give me suggestions in the comments. Thanks 🙏🏼 

Also, the pen name “Simi Higgins” just doesn’t work for me anymore. I need a new one and am taking suggestions for a new pen name as well. 

Weight and Career Goals

I have spent literally all day today (literally- I have been awake since before midnight) dreading work tomorrow and thinking I’m going to get fired because I asked for a raise on Friday. 

I honestly don’t want to go in. Like I said, this is the first time in my life that I’ve asked or even negotiated pay. I am constantly afraid that my parents were right and I’ll get fired instantly. 

I would probably quit in shame if my husband wasn’t my coworker. He told me (and I know he’s right and I’m being irrational, but I can’t help it. His parents were way kinder than mine) that the worst that could happen was that I won’t get the raise. I am 100% not getting fired. 

In fact, I hope my father isn’t rolling in his grave. If he was still alive and I was living under his roof and he knew about this he would be SCREAMING about how I’m about to get replaced by someone who will do it cheaper. I wonder why he never worked through his trauma. I have, at least enough to not have a shit fit at my child because she’s doing life differently than I did. I actually don’t think it was trauma that made my father act like that. I think he and my mom both wanted to keep me down. I have thoughts on why, but they’re for another day. 

I stepped on the scale this morning and it said 189.9. 

Hooray, the 180’s!!  Barely!  I told myself if I got to the 180’s, I would get a nose ring. Do I still want it?  Yes, but I would no longer be in the 180’s if I was wearing anything. Perhaps the nose ring itself would put me at 190. 

Homemade Laundry Detergent

 I finally did it!  Not sure I needed a plastic box that big, but it’s the one I had. 

This homemade laundry detergent was 1 tub of oxy clean, 1 box of borax, 1 box washing soda, 1.5 bars of grated Zote soap, 4 pounds of baking soda, and 1 bottle of scent booster. 

The scoop came from the box of oxy clean. 

It does smell nice. Zote soap smells like citronella. We’ll see how this works. I used to love doing this decades ago. 

I Asked For A Raise

 So normally, we are a crew of four- me and my husband, the manager and his wife. It’s literally a double date. All day, every day!  

Recently, we got a fifth person- the nephew of the manager. Nephew said he worked here before, from 2014-2018. I also worked here before from 2002-2005.  

About two weeks ago, my manager’s wife and nephew and I were standing around after we uploaded our inventory, and the nephew was telling her and I about a friend of his who lives in Nebraska.  This friend of his drives a truck for a farm chain up there. Then the nephew said he has no idea why his Nebraska friend “wastes his time with this job, because it only pays-“ and then he said how much it paid per hour, which was literally double what I make per hour. 

I have been scratching my head for two weeks. I talked to my husband about it. Why would he look down his nose so much about someone wasting their time making twice what I make, when he’s working the exact same job as me? Does he make more than twice what I make.  Because that’s what it sounds like?  Kevin laughed and insisted “There’s no way he makes that much.”  I said ok “But why would he say that?” 

Kevin responded, “Well maybe he just meant it’s not enough for trucking.” 

I said, “Trucking is mostly just driving.” 

Kevin said, “But they’re away from home a lot.” 

I said, “So are we.”  

Kevin rested his case and still insisted that there was no way nephew made twice what I make. 

I have never in my life ever asked for a raise or even negotiated my pay. Ever. My parents always taught me that I should just be grateful I have any job at all, and if I ever dared to ask or negotiate that not only would I immediately be replaced, but I would also somehow be blacklisted from ever getting a job again. (I’m not sure how-  it’s funny the things we grow up to realize were off the wall advice.)

The conversation about the farm trucker in Nebraska has been grinding my gears and burning my balls all week. I finally decided to email the owner of the company and ask her for a raise. I only asked her for a 50 cent raise- NOT “double” lol. I think I did a very articulate job with asking and being my own cheerleader. Yes there were fears that my dad would be right and she’d fire me immediately. It wouldn’t be the worst thing though. I also have a million and one things that I’ve learned my parents and other elders were wrong about. I should have been more confident that I wouldn’t get fired for asking. She responded kind of quickly saying she appreciated all I do and that they would review it and get back to me. 

I told my mom. She then told me that the CEO’s response was “typical.”  I thought to myself, how do you know it’s typical if you’ve always told me that I would be instantly replaced if I ever asked?  Didn’t say that out loud though. Sounds like she’s asked before. 

I’m so glad I asked, even if I don’t get it. Asking for a raise for the first time in my life a month before turning 47 

I Was Today Years Old

 When I found out that the “Serotonin Hypothesis” that claims depression is caused by a chemical imbalance/ low serotonin levels was actually never proven. 

I actually did “sort of” know that, but it’s so not talked about that I didn’t realize it. 

I have honestly been wondering- do I really “suffer from” anxiety and depression, or are anxiety and depression a normal part of the human experience?  Is mine actually a disorder/disease, or have I been gullible with people who profit off of me being anxious and depressed?  

You aren’t allowed to ask these questions out loud. I wasn’t asking them out loud- I was simply googling them. Chemical imbalances have not been proven. They do not actually test your serotonin levels. Yes I knew that, but I disregarded it. Why did I just follow blindly?  Probably because so many people get so preachy when it comes to mental health. They yell at you that going to a psychiatrist is “just like going to the doctor if you have a broken leg or diabetes.”  The silent part isn’t spoken out loud- that broken bones are seen on X-rays and diabetes can be seen in bloodwork. 

Yesterday I counted my remaining gabapentin and created my own taper schedule. If I follow it, then I will run out on about February 6, 2026. If I pick up another “month supply” at the end of this month, I can make that last for most of 2026. 

I have to really, really work hard to reinvent myself, accept and sit with horrible feelings, and radically accept that it’s only me that can help me. I know that the proper thing to do would be to talk to my PCP about tapering, and I did try to do that. I went in the day before yesterday in the afternoon. The medical assistant who was taking my vitals went over my medications and very very clearly had an absolute problem that I was taking gabapentin for anxiety.  She said, “And you take….. gabapentin?  FOR ANXIETY?  Why?”  Immediately I felt uncomfortable. God knows I really really hate that. I explained nicely that  a psychiatrist prescribed it for me about four years ago, and that she had retired and I was unable to find another who is willing to prescribe it again. So that was actually why I was there- to discuss a taper schedule with the doctor to get off of it safely. The medical assistant continued to question me while emphasizing every other word, stating that gabapentin isn’t usually used for anxiety. I tried to explain again that the reason I was there was to discuss tapering. I asked her if she had a problem with it, I mean there was a lot of tension in the room. I started crying and said I didn’t want to see the doctor. She tried to backtrack and say she didn’t mean to upset me and she didn’t think anything was wrong with it etc. I left the exam room and went up to the front to check out and cancel my appointment. 

I never, ever want to talk to any medical professional ever again about taking gabapentin for anxiety. It has to be all on me. I have to figure it out myself. As many of you know I do have a cousin that is a psychiatrist. She lives in the Chicago area. I brought this up to her, and she prescribes gabapentin to her patients all the time for anxiety. But obviously I can’t see her, because she’s related to me. She started saying “That’s so weird” that I was having so many problems getting it again. Generally in our family, saying “that’s weird” means you don’t believe someone. I flat out told her that it’s really happening and not weird. She then started blaming it on the conservative politics of Texas. I said, the doctor that originally prescribed it to me was also in Texas and actually if you know someone that I can see then please give me their name and number so I can seek them out myself. I texted out this whole plan of quitting my job and temporarily moving to Illinois if she really knew someone and if it was just so common in liberal Illinois. She said she’d ask around but hasn’t responded. She doesn’t know anyone. 

Something just changed with psychiatrists’ attitudes towards that medication and willingness to prescribe it. They don’t want to take responsibility so they blame the patient. 

I have a lot of work to do to get better. I can do it, too. These people were making money off of convincing me I’m nothing without them. I’m tempted to feel defeated, and I think it’s ok to let myself feel like that for a little while but then I have to get up and start over. 

Homemade detergent

 It’s such a long week. I’ve been eyeballing this TikTok trend and have been wanting to do it so badly. It’s a recipe for “homemade laundry detergent”, even though two of the ingredients are actual detergent themselves. I can imagine it must smell really great and get your clothes nice. I used to make homemade detergent with only soap, washing soda and borax. That was 20 years ago. It’s evolved with TikTok. I just showed that video to my husband thinking he would object, but he did the opposite of object. He was all for it. He even said “We already have the tote”. Ok!  This weekend I’m going to make this. 

Frustrating Triggering News

 Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you’ve heard the news stories about the Decker family- a non custodial father who is still at large and wanted for the unaliving of his three little girls. And I know the word “unaliving” is a little annoying, but I don’t want this post to be somehow censored if I use the M word. When I did a deep dive on Josh Duggar and his crime about three years ago, I blogged about it and was censored for calling him what he is. Anyway, the person with the best deep dive on the Decker family is Stephanie Harlowe. I don’t “always” watch Stephanie Harlowe- only for cases I’m interested in already, before she makes a video about them. 

Last night, I had a dream that I was actually working as a clerk in the convenient store chain that we are working on inventory for the last couple weeks. In my dream, Travis Decker walked into the store, took a beer out of the cooler doors and opened it and started chugging it while staring me dead in the eye. I wanted to pick up my phone and call to report that I found him, but he was staring at me. I kept wondering in my dream if I looked at his eyes, would I “see evil”. Then I dared myself to look him in the eye and woke up from the dream instantly. That’s weird, because I always roll my eyes at people who say they can see evil in someone’s eyes. I don’t believe that is a thing at all. 

The biggest debate/point of contention surrounding this case is the fact that there was no Amber Alert. Someone from their local pd (or it may have been Washington state police) was interviewed and said they can’t do an amber alert just because a non-custodial parent is late bringing their kids back. Except, I feel like that happens all the time. There are always amber alerts for people being late bringing their kids back to the other parent. This cop was like, “That would desensitize people to the amber alert system” and yeah, that’s actually exactly what it does. How ironic that what seems like the one time they should have issued one, they didn’t. But it’s only frustrating if you really think an amber alert “would have” definitely saved them. Would it?  No one knows. 

In the video linked above, Stephanie Harlowe is definitely one that believes an amber alert would have definitely saved these three kids. She sits there at the end of her video and says, “No one is going to sit there and be upset at too many amber alerts”.  Actually yes some might be.  Not you and I, but some people will for sure.  Getting upset or annoyed at amber alerts is also not the same as being desensitized to it. I was desensitized when the amber alert for Audrii Cunningham went out. Immediately before she went missing, there had just been too many issued that were non custodial parents being late. One time, a bitter paternal grandmother had an amber alert issued for her grandson, and the custodial mother was live streaming herself on Facebook on hold with the police department with the “missing” child on her lap.  Grandma was later arrested for a frivolous report.  These were on my mind when Audrii’s alert went out. Would I personally have single-handedly saved Audrii if I wasn’t desensitized?  No- she never left Lake Livingston. I was 75 miles away. But it’s because of that why I understand the concept. 

I don’t think Stephanie Harlowe grasps the nuances surrounding amber alerts. She’s an armchair detective, but  at the end of the day so am I. 

What if there was one constant running live stream on some sort of social media platform that featured all active missing person cases?  Would it be too much information?  Would the average person check it?  Who knows what the answer is?  I don’t. I do know that I don’t believe amber alerts are as perfect as Stephanie believes them to be. In other words, one could have gone out and it wouldn’t have saved them. Or maybe it would have. We can’t look into alternative universes. 

It’s also extremely easy to fall into the amber alert criticism debate, because it’s way too hard to imagine losing your kids. We can’t imagine what the mother is going through. And we don’t want to, so we fall into the amber alert blame bickering. It’s easier. 

More Fun With AI

My cat Alex is not an “official” emotional support animal. If he was, he would have cost thousands of dollars. He was actually a rescue back in 2013. When I lived in my old-old apartment, he was born under the house of the mother of one of my neighbors. The house was up on stilts. She kept the mama and got her spayed. Then, she took it upon herself to find homes for all of the kittens, and I kept Alex. 

It was only six months later that I had my first panic attack, and Alex assumed a therapeutic roll immediately. He always used to press his body against mine, and give constant bonks and boops if I was having one. 

So I submitted his picture on ChatGPT and asked to give him an ESA vest. In reality, he’d never wear a vest. He also doesn’t have seven toes on one paw. 

 

On My Own

 Some of the advice I received two posts ago about my mystery phone call from the pharmacy was to go to the pharmacy in person to make sure there was not an error with someone else. 

I’m honestly too scared to do that. The thing they were trying to accuse me of was filling a one month supply three weeks early. Normally, that indicates overdosing or other illegal activity. I’m doing the opposite of overdosing. I’m underdosing, simply because in the last year or so my medication has developed such a negative stigma from mental health professionals and pharmacies. One might argue that underdosing is also “wrong”, but what other choice do I have?  Withdrawal from gabapentin can cause seizures, and I’m in a situation where suddenly it’s frowned upon. I have been to enough doctors at this point to know that I’m going to be vilified if I keep asking for it. Running out can be deadly. You would be tapering too. 

Since the reason for the pharmacy’s phone call was to tell me they couldn’t complete a refill, I’m assuming they did not make a mistake regarding someone else. If they did, it’s not up to me to risk getting mouthed off at. They already think I’m a piece of shit. If I ever go back there, it won’t be until I get a text on or after 6/27 saying my last refill is ready. 

I was literally in tears last night wondering how I got into this situation. I had a psychiatrist about 4 or 5 years ago “try” gabapentin with me for my panic attacks, because nothing else seemed to work. Then she retired, so I can’t go back to her. It’s extremely risky to go to a psychiatrist and say “This is what works for me”, in fact I had a therapist tell me that that’s “drug seeking behavior.”  If I do that, I have to “try” all the SSRI’s and SNRI’s all over again as a performative action for them. I’d rather just not take anything than do that. That will put my body through hell. Plus I’ve lost roughly 30-35 pounds now, yo-yoing medications will likely make me gain it all back. 

I sat down last night and really forced myself to accept that I’m on my own from now on with anxiety symptoms. It’s up to me to get better. I can’t depend on anyone else. 

I have a tool box for sure. If you have ChatGPT, I’m not sure if anyone knows this, but you can type in, “I’m having a panic attack. Please help me through it.”  ChatGPT will then spell out all the conventional methods taught by therapists like breathing exercises and the 54321 method. It’s free, too. Therapy runs at least $150 an hour nowadays. For that, they should be doing more than just reciting basic exercises you can find online, but I digress. 

One of the things that helps, which is controversial, is actually physical exercise. Just like with every other method, it will sometimes work and sometimes not. But it gets the most amount of pushback, I think because it’s the most difficult thing on the list to do. It’s easy to breathe. It’s not easy to go for a jog or walk. 

Even though I’m cutting back on sugar, I made fruit juice bottles with half a capsule of gabapentin to help with tapering. I am bringing one to work today and the other half of the capsule either tomorrow or the day after. Next time I go shopping, I’m going to have to look for some juice with a lower sugar content. This is just something I picked up quickly from a gas station. I wasn’t thinking about the sugar when I bought it- I wasn’t just thinking about not tasting the drug. 

I also want to end this with a bit of a rant. I think it’s grossly unfair that I sought help like I was supposed to, got the help, and then been made to feel like some horrible person for wanting more of that help. Gabapentin didn’t have the negative stigma back when my old doctor tried me on it, and I actually commend her for thinking outside the box. I don’t know what happened to make the professionals create a negative stigma against people who take it. Maybe the laws changed or maybe there was a study. Idk. 

The plan now is to take 200 milligrams if I'm feeling super horrible, and subsequently just try everything on the free lists you find online. The good news is that I’m in a much better life situation now than when I first started experiencing them in 2014. Maybe 5-10 years from now, things will be even better. I just have to keep the faith and keep working hard. 

“But Why Do You Like The Music?”

 

We celebrated Anna’s 18th birthday at the house yesterday. I gave her a Dollar General gift card, because she loves Dollar General. The candles are being saved for my mom for next year when she turns 81. Perfect timing there. 

Today we are doing inventory at a convenience store and started at 5:30 am. The shop manager had a Muslim prayer rug and did his prayers facing east when there were no customers in the store. This store also has the local Christian contemporary radio station KSBJ 89.3 on blast, and my dude knows most of the words to most of the songs. He’s been on his Jesus jam all morning long. Nothing wrong with liking the music of another religion. 

After I had my daughter, I had sort of a crisis of faith. But I still always listened to Christian radio and knew a lot of the lyrics. My ex husband used to get on my case. “Well if you don’t believe in it, why do you still like the music?”  

Because I’m allowed to, that’s why. If I was on speaking terms with him, I’d tell him about this manager. Singing all these songs and not missing a beat, while making sure he gets his prayer facing Mecca in. 

Pharmacy Phone Call

 The phone rang at 10:30 this morning. It was the Walmart pharmacy letting me know that they couldn’t fill my gabapentin. 

I take gabapentin for anxiety, and it works better than anything a psychiatrist will prescribe. The only problem is the discrimination against people who take this medication that comes from pharmacies and some psychiatrists. The pharmacy always has some issue with filling it. Sometimes the issue is flat out refusal based on the fact that they think you’re some kind of drug addict if you take it. 

I’ve dealt with this by taking less than prescribed and building a stockpile. I have it on auto refill, and when I get the text that there’s a refill ready to be picked up, I go in the evening when it’s all young people working (except for the actual pharmacist of course). The last time this happened was on May 29th. The bottle said one refill was remaining. 

When the phone rang this morning and it was the Walmart pharmacy stating that they weren’t able to refill my gabapentin, I assumed they meant that they were just going to refuse the last refill altogether. I responded with, “Even though my doctor is allowing me to have one more refill?”  

The pharmacist said, “Because it’s too early. This is June 8th, you just picked up on May 29th.  Are you out already?”  

I was taken aback.  I said, “No I’m not out and I think it’s a little weird that you would even try to refill it now anyway.”  

She then responded that I had called the automated system to request a refill. I promise you I did not do that.  I told her I did not do that. She insisted, “Well I have it right here that you called and requested a refill of gabapentin.”  She then reiterated that I couldn’t pick up until June 27th. I said that was fine and that I didn’t call.  She gave me the rudest, “Ooooookaaaayyyy” ever and hung up.  I then wondered if I had called it in in my sleep. I checked my call log. I did not call the Walmart pharmacy even according to my call log. I checked the call logs of my husband and daughter. Neither of them called either. Not that I think either of them would do that, but still. I had gaslit myself into thinking I sleep-called, so anything was possible. 

This was just so off putting. I have had a lot of  problems with the pharmacy giving me a hard time about that being what I take. They wouldn’t have such a problem with it if I was taking an SSRI or SNRI. In fact if I was taking any of those drugs, I’d probably be the biggest hero mama for caring for my mental health. This kind of feels intentional. It’s definitely a good thing I have a stockpile. And it’s a good thing I don’t get as many panic attacks as I used to. 

Random Memory

 I was thinking today about how my daughter is turning 18 in five short days, and how she’ll be allowed to make her own choices now. 

I got braces when I was 15. Three years later, I still had them on. I didn’t want them to stay on though. All of my friends who had braces only had them for a year or so. Plus it was painful. 

As soon as I learned that I had the choice to make my own medical decisions at age 18, I went to my orthodontist and asked nicely but firmly to have them removed. They were PISSED.  I actually don't know how I had the strength to do that. They were all much older and the pleasant demeanor they had for the past three years turned quickly into anger when I tried to exercise my right. 

So he took them off. They gave me a retainer. The extremely pissed office manager told me that if I didn’t wear the retainer for the rest of my life, the teeth would go all the way back to how crooked they were three years earlier. 

I believed her. I mean, when you’re young, you have no choice but to believe older people. Thirty years ago they knew that. So I think a lot of them exaggerated things on purpose, not thinking that someday we’d figure out how wrong they were about a lot of things. 

I hated the retainer too. Food got trapped in it, and it was disgusting. I couldn’t clean it constantly. I wore it for a month, and one day while driving down the road, I rolled my window down while driving and tossed it in the desert. I feel bad now for littering, but I don’t feel bad for going against the advice of the office manager. I’m now almost 47, and she was indeed wrong. My teeth didn’t move all the way back to where they were at age 15. 

Busy Times

 It’s only a week now until my daughter turns 18.  For clarification, the only reason why I’m looking so forward to her 18th birthday is so I can do away with the custody arrangements I have with her dad and stepmother.  It hasn’t really been enforced since she got her first job, but legally, the order itself ends the day she turns 18.  Then, she can come and go as she pleases.  

For her birthday, I’m buying her the same real estate class I took about two years ago.  I’m also getting her a half price books gift card.  On Friday the 6th, I’m taking her to Olive Garden, and we are going to download the app and get her an account for the real estate class. That way, they’ll email me coupon codes that I can use for when I get the class on her actual birthday on Wednesday.  It doesn’t let you sign up if you’re even a day shy of 18.  

We have an extremely busy two weeks at work this week and next.  The chain we’re doing has some interesting items, including this toy.  It’s a sling shot with poop emoji.  Wow.  Would you get your kids this?  If I had seen this two + years ago when I was in a relationship with a single father, I probably would have gotten this for his kids.  I used to kind of purposely buy them things that I knew would piss him off.  

They also have this ungodly over abundance of pb&j Reese's cups. Would you try these?  I haven’t gotten any, because I’m avoiding sugar. If I get ravaged by a sweet tooth, I might pick one up. They also have them with strawberry jam. Not sure why they ordered so many. 

They also had Elote Mexican corn flavored blue diamond almonds. The last store we did had 13 packages, and I bought all 13. They are supposed to be over $3, but at this store they were ringing up $1.09. Almonds are on the green light list for my diet, I love Elote, and my jaw is feeling a lot better. I had jaw pain for a couple weeks, probably from anxiety and gritting my teeth. But now it’s healed and gone, and I can have almonds again. They do not spoil. 

In other news, I know I’ve mentioned here that I started a Wordpress blog a year ago, in June of 2024. It was all about the work I did with kids, along with some current day stuff. I called it the child advocate’s blog. Well they emailed me telling me to renew for $50, and I didn’t want to. So I copy pasted all but two of the posts into a blogspot blog for free. I’ll link it here when I feel confident enough to. I also should work more on it. There are 25 posts as of right now. It “can” be controversial. I’m not afraid of controversy, but actually, yes I might be a little. I’m not afraid of people disagreeing, but I am afraid of them going batshit crazy over disagreeing. It makes me wonder if I really want to write this book. Good thing I’ll realistically be pretty old by the time I finish it. I’ll be dead before I can witness the controversy. 

Alex

 Since I got so many comments on my last post about how adorbs my cat is, I decided to share more pics. Enjoy! 

Sunday Selections

 I got this idea from Elephant’s Child. It’s not Sunday yet here in Texas, but it is somewhere in the world, and anyway her post is up so I might as well.  

The rules are simple- to post photos you’ve never shared before. So here goes. 

This is my favorite selfie of me and my cat Alex. 

When my daughter was about five, she got a recorder in music class and loved it so much she drew a picture of it. 

Alex as a baby in my old- old apartment. “How did you get up there?!”

When I was into jewelry making, I let my daughter have free rein over the supplies to make whatever she wanted. She made this choker. 

This used to be on display at the science station at my old job the children’s museum. Seeing it made me actually understand the scientific method for the first time. It was a good analogy for a scientifically illiterate person like myself who’d been working with kids half my life at that point. 

Me and my daughter walking on the beach! 

Jesus Christ goes trick or treating 

One of my favorite rest areas in Southeast Arizona, off of I-10 between Benson and Wilcox. 

An Alternate Reality

 I got back to thinking about my first boyfriend who died February 9th. I looked up his obituary again and took a screenshot of his picture. I uploaded my picture in my rainbow dress with the screenshot from his obituary and asked ChatGPT to make a family portrait of us with 7 kids. 

When we were young, we used to say we wanted 7 kids. I wonder, in what universe would we have really made it to baby number 7. We had so much opposition. The picture above would have only been a one in a million chance. I guess according to AI, it would have been four boys and three girls. Some of these kids look the same age, but that’s ok. It can be explained away with either twins or adoption. 

Pipe dreams abound. He’s creeping back into my memories again, and I kind of wonder if he took his own life. I’ll never know for sure. There’s definitely that possibility. He wasn’t like this when we were together, but about a couple years after we went our separate ways, he started getting some pretty extreme thinking. He held a lot of conspiracies. I sometimes wonder if that was my fault. I broke up with him, but I did try to reconcile a month later and he refused. 

Whatever it was, I just hope he’s at peace. 

Happy 80th Birthday 🎂

 I don’t have a recent picture, but I have this throwback of me and my mom at my own high school graduation in 1996. 

Today my mom turned the big 80!  We had to work, but it only took two hours. We have been pretty busy lately, and will be busy next week. So I’ll take a two hour work day on my mom’s birthday. When we got done, we went to Kroger by her house and got flowers and cake. I didn’t get a whole cake, because it was just the three of us and we’re all trying to avoid junk food. I just got a big slice from the bakery that could easily be cut into thirds. I texted my mom from the store asking if she still had candles in the drawer. She said yes. But when we got there, she didn’t assume I meant birthday candles and only said yes because she had the extra long dining room ones. So that’s what I stuck in the cake. She didn’t care. 

I’m glad her birthday is over. I was dreading it. I have this weird anxiety when I am around her and my husband. I’m afraid she’ll insult me to my face in front of him, because that would bring a pang of humiliation. But at the same time, I sometimes want her to, just so he can witness it for himself. It’s a catch 22. 

We then went grocery shopping. Actually he got a haircut while I did the shopping in the same plaza. Now we are home and I put spaghetti with vodka sauce, mushrooms and red onions in the crockpot with veggie broth to top off and boil with. I’m allowing myself to have spaghetti dinner once a week now. I’m back to being kind of strict on that diet, but I’m honestly sick of fish. It’s ok, there’s definitely other things than fish. I’d rather make the pasta day on a day that I also had cake so I can’t cheat any other time. I can feel more weight dropping, but not getting in the scale until at least after my daughter’s birthday. I’m also doing arm reps in the mornings. I have zero upper body strength. 11 years of panic attacks really ruined me. 

Sewing Thoughts

First of all, unrelated, I picked this massive squash from the garden. All others so far have been about half this size. When I diced it, I saw that it was light colored and spongy. Idk if that means it’s not good or what? 

 Secondly, I gave my coworker back her grandson’s swim trunks that I took in half an inch on each side. 

About that, I just want to say this: There was a time in my life where I was semi obsessed with learning to sew, but it was short lived and I was a young adult. I remember thinking out loud that maybe I could either have my own business or side business doing this for people. And just like with every other idea I had at the time for myself, it was shot down. I was told that customers would complain about my sewing skills, things I made or altered would tear and not fit people properly. Etc, etc. This was just one of many things I was taught as a young person that turned out not to be true- that I’m this horrendously incapable person. No one would want me to touch their items, they’d sue me if it came out wrong and I’d lose in court every time. When I look back on some of the stuff I was told as a young person, I not only scoff at how ridiculous and extreme it is, but I can’t imagine ever telling my daughter the same things. I think with her, if she truly wanted to do something she wasn’t good at, there would be guidance and training and practice. I also don’t think I was ever that bad at sewing for people to say those things. I now know that they wanted to bring me down. 

It’s just funny that I ended up in a life situation that proves them all wrong about so many things. And one of the things that ended up happening is that I be asked to alter some clothing because I know how to. It’s not that wild, but to me it is. I didn’t charge her, but I am going to look into how exactly to charge people in the future for things like that. She agreed to tell me if anything went wrong with the swim shorts such as tearing, etc, but she said it with a semi eye roll as if to say “nothing is going to happen.”  

Graduation + Alterations

So I only got choked up a little bit!  Anna did great, I’m so proud of her. It was held at NRG Stadium, which is right next to the astrodome. I was exhausted afterwards. 

I must say, I would not want to stand up in front of thousands of people and recite 600-700 full names of people. I’d be afraid to mispronounce. 

I thought back to the “2007 expecting clubs” on the old IVillage message boards. Does anyone here remember IVillage?  There were “expecting clubs” for every month. I used to lurk the ones for May and July due dates too, but not post in them. I remembered when everyone announced the names of their babies on there and wondered how many of the graduates I was seeing walking across the stage had moms who posted in those expecting clubs. 

On another note, my coworker bought Minecraft swim shorts for her grandson and asked me to take them in about a half an inch on each side for her. She said she’d “pay me”, but I’m not going to let her. I honestly had a lot of anxiety about this. I make whole ass quilts, but doing an alteration that’s super simple for someone else made me think I would do something wrong. It honestly took no more than five minutes. Yes I pinned the waistband too. I did reinforcement stitches on each side as well. It’s not stretchy fabric, so a zigzag stitch wasn’t necessary. Even the lining was not stretchy. What do you think, did I do ok? 

 

Graduation Dinner

Speaking of the second to the last episode ever of The Handmaid’s Tale in my last post, here is the main character surviving getting hung. I’ve rewatched it several times now. It does remind me of The Crucible, but with air strikes. “Don’t let the bastards grind you down” was a famous line from the original book and season one. I love that the actress stares right into the camera when she says it. 

On another note, today Kevin and I went out with my daughter and my mom so my daughter could receive her graduation gifts from my mom. Even though she’s been out of classes for about a week and a half, the actual ceremony is tomorrow. I’m taking the day off and going by myself. Kevin has to work, and my mom doesn’t want to walk around at the stadium where it’s being held. 

I’m actually glad I’m going alone, because I feel like I’m going to sob. I’m definitely going to try and do it quietly. I have had three relatives who’ve all said that as soon as they saw their youngest or only child “walk across the stage”, they felt “ready to die.”  I thought to myself- I hope I don’t feel that way. Of those three relatives, only one was, actually, dying. The other two now that I look back on it, were just being a drama king and a drama queen. I’ve seen a lot of older people use their impending deaths to guilt and manipulate people. That’s probably what my two non-dying at the time relatives were doing. 

As for me, I’m just getting started. 

That’s my mom and daughter walking out of the restaurant. They look like twins not only from the front, but apparently they look like twins from the back too.  Almost the same hair. 

The waiter saw her opening gifts and automatically brought out the birthday strawberry. I guess they ran out of cake. 

When I graduated from high school 29 years ago, I remember the very next day just instantly feeling like life in the “real world” was so extremely different than what I’d been taught it was like when I went to school. Ever since then, I’ve unlearned and relearned a million and one things. 

Stuff I was so sure would happen never happened. Consequently, things I never thought would happen did. Like having her. Among countless other things. I was taught a lot of wrong things that I had to work very hard at to get right. In a way, it’s almost a good thing that I don't even feel close to feeling like I’m done relearning, because if I did, I might be actually trying to live vicariously through her. I just want her to pursue her own path and be there if she needs to figure it out all over again a few more times. 
 

Handmaid’s Tale Spoiler Meme

I’m so glad there’s only one more episode ever of The Handmaid’s Tale, because I hate that I’ve been so addicted to that show for 8 years. I also want to cancel my HULU subscription, just like I do every time a season ends. 

Warning spoiler ahead:

The main character June Osborne was in love with a commander Nick Blaine.  The older guy here is supposed to be Commander Lawrence, who supposedly “designed Gilead” but regrets it now. June was supposed to drive him to a plane that all remaining high commanders were going to board.  Lawrence was then going to plant a bomb on board and get off before the other commanders arrived. Then June was going to be his getaway driver. Except, the other commanders also arrived early and Lawrence didn’t want to blow his cover, so he decided to board the plane anyway with the bomb, and just kill himself. Then another car pulls up, and Nick gets out. June is devastated, because she’s realizing that she’s killing the man she loves, and the father of her second child. But speaking up would not only get her killed in that moment, but also ruin mayday and the rebellion. So the last scene is her standing out on the runway, watching the plane take off, and then explode. She grieves Nick and Lawrence and that’s the end till the finale next week.

This meme is hilarious!  It’s a depiction of that scene with Nick and Lawrence surviving 🤣 

I can’t. 😂 

 

Three Weeks

Now that it’s almost Wednesday, it’s literally 3 weeks now until my daughter turns 18.  She was born on her due date, which I heard was only 5% of babies. I remember looking forward to May 21 because that would make me the magical “37 weeks”. With a singleton baby, being born any time after 37 weeks is full term, with their due date being at 40 weeks. I was so scared to have a preemie!  I remember reaching that day and watching the top story at the time, which was the disappearance of Madeline McCann. I thought to myself- yeah I’m never leaving her alone while I go out partying. Dumb parents. Do I think the German guy did it?  I don’t know. I think they need to just come out and say what proof they have. They had a flash drive that was his damning evidence. They never said if Madeline was on the flash drive, though. 

This is what her entire day looked like on Sunday. She wanted to spent the day at my mom’s but crapped out on the couch literally all day. She looked through uber eats and put her selections in the cart, and I ordered once

I got home. By the time the food arrived, she was fast asleep. It went in the fridge. School is out and she only works weekends, so she must be up all night gaming. I really don’t care. She has earned it. 

Evidence for my Point

A couple of days ago, I posted about three strikes I have against me when it comes to finding a therapist who hat will help me through panic attacks.  1. I regret my college degree, 2. My parents stayed married and 3. I endured every type of abuse except sexual abuse growing up. 

Then I decided to try something. I typed up this message making it perfectly clear that I was trying to find a therapist to help me with the panic attacks I started getting when I got my college degree. I wanted to make it perfectly clear that that was my goal for therapy, and therefore weed out individuals who would just argue and not help. I don’t have time, money, or energy to interview people and ask if they have a problem with the fact that that’s how I feel. I pasted this greeting to more than 20 therapists near my zip code. 

So far no one has responded except for this lady, Jessica from a facility called S.T.A.R.S. 

Once she responded, I realize what the acronym was for. “Survivors Triumphing Against Rape and Sexual Assault.”  Oops!!
 

So I responded with this email- I didn’t realize what the acronym stood for and the reason why I added that I’ve been through every other type of abuse except sexual was just in case she was ok with that.  

This was her response. Scroll down for my reaction. I did not respond to her, but I will share my thoughts here. 

“While trauma survivors are the targeted population, I do accept and have ample experience with all mental wellness concerns.”  Read that again. Something that isn’t rape isn’t considered “trauma” to her. It’s just a “mental wellness concern”. If she has a masters degree, she should know that a LOT of things cause trauma, INCLUDING rape or sexual assault, but it’s not the only thing. This is just evidence of what I was saying before. I can tell her about some of the physical and emotional abuse I endured from my mom, for example, but to her it’s not traumatic enough. I do not believe that wording was unintentional. It seems very intentional. And “be blessed” screams, I’m filled with Christ's love!

It’s better to just not respond to her. And yes I know I’m usually good about keeping someone’s identity private, but it wasn’t necessary here. I’m not lying about what she said to me. The proof is in the screenshots. The fact that she was “still willing to see me anyway” is probably just because business is slow. And that’s all therapy is at the end of the day. A business. 

I’m not exposing this to say that people who are more “allowed” to get therapy are “luckier”. They are, but they aren’t. They are because perhaps it does help them. They aren’t because of all the time and money that have to spend on it. We all suffer from the human condition bo matter what we’ve been through in our lives. A psychotherapist should at least understand that. 

Fooling Around with AI 🤖

 Kevin was cleaning out his stuff and found this picture of himself when he graduated high school. 

Then I asked AI to clean it up and this is what I got: