Mornin and Evening Routine Pages

I decided to show the morning and evening routine checklist pages for my bullet journal. I can’t really show other pages, because they show account numbers and things like that. My morning routine states as follows:

Shower OR sink bath OR night before. 

Brush

Floss 

Deodorant

Lotion 

Dressed 

Hair

Makeup 

Dishes

Wipe sink

Trash 

Scoop litter

Feed cats 

Sweep 

Put dry laundry away

Pilates

Take medication 

Fill lunch kit

I always do the dishes and wipe the sink, and Kevin is the one who always feeds the cats and scoops their liter. The other stuff is half me and half him. I put it on the list just to “make sure”. If he does it, it gets checked off. Sometimes I forget to put on makeup or floss. Of course I never forget to get dressed. It’s just part of having ADHD and always having been taught that I can’t succeed. Stuff gets ignored because there’s a “what’s the point” attitude about it. 

I made one evening routine for at home and one for motel rooms, because we travel for work a lot. 

Evening routine at home:

Maybe shower 

Floss

Brush with a “wisp” Colgate disposable brush 

Clean face

Read 30 minutes 

Write 30 minutes 

Pilates

Finish step count

Feed cats at 5:00 pm. 

I have not been doing my 30 minutes of writing like I used to!  And I have not read for fun in literally years. Not since before I quit the museum to finish school. 

Evening routine for a motel:

Take a bath with epsom salts

Shave legs 

Clip nails

Make sure cats get fed at home (so, check in with my mother in law)

Arrange bags (designate a dirty clothes pile, put sundries out, and put clean clothes on provided hangers)

Reading OR writing 

Pilates OR finish step count (because sleeping in a motel usually means a long day. 

Next up is my books I want to read list. I also want to add that to the index. 

 

Bullet Journal Pages

This was the notebook I decided to use for my bullet journal. It was 50 cents during back to school season. 

This is my index. The first thing I did was number all the pages in the lower right hand corners. The notebook said it had 80 pages, but the first was the index. I thought I would only get to number 1-79, but there were two free pages. I got to number 1-81. 

The point of this is to be your life book. All of your info in one place. 

I made a list of “acceptable gas station snacks” because most stores we do inventory at are convenient stores. Often, I don’t put anything of my own in Kevin’s lunch kit, so I’m forced to buy something if I get hungry. This is just a list of things for sale in most C-stores that are on the green list for my diet, which I haven’t been too religious on. 

Home recipes and shopping list is the same thing. 

On the medication log, I wrote down several dates all the way to Jan 17, and a “remaining” line underneath. When I take my meds in the morning, I’ll write that I took one metformin, one atorvastatin, one propranolol, and then underneath that write how many of each I have remaining. I’m also taking iron pills, vitamin C, and a multivitamin, but those are easily accessible and I don’t need to record how many are left. 

On my step count log, I’ll write how many steps I had as of 11:59pm 

Daily to do lists are also daily logs. 

Student loan payment logs are a replacement of the log I’ve been keeping in my phone, stating how much I paid on what date and what that brings the total balance to. 

The ER bill payment log is an old $5000+ balance I have from an old ER visit from 2019. It’s under $2500 I think at this point, and they take 42 per month out of my account on either the 11th or 12th. I should really call to ask my current balance. 

The unexpected bank withdrawal log is for just that. Unexpected bank withdrawals to look into. Either cancel something I didn’t, or whatever. 

BCBS 2026 is my new health insurance, which I’m actually dreading. You don’t get that many choices on Obamacare anymore, and while I used to be all for it, I literally hate it now. More later. 

Then there’s a morning and evening routine, with a complete checklist of things to complete each morning and evening, because I always forget a handful of them. 

Finally, I had some fun with the ChatGPT candy cane backdrops. There’s my daughter’s graduation pic, our wedding picture from March, and kevin with our boss’s dog. Kevin has both legs irl though! Gotta love AI!

 

Happy Birthday in Heaven

My Yiayia (my maternal grandmother) “turns” 120 today. She passed away in 1992. 

Something not a lot of people know about her- she had a job hand sewing sequins onto formalwear. She did this all throughout the 1950’s!  I heard stories about this alongside tall tales of how women weren’t allowed to work back then. 

Happy birthday in heaven, Yiayia!

 

Bullet Journaling 📓 📝

 My plan for the bullet journal was to get a planner and jot down a few points on each day, in the beginning of the day. Then I started listening to the audiobook, and I realized it’s a whole process. There’s nothing intimidating about the big process, though. Ryder Carrol, the author, came up with this system himself, and he has ADHD. There’s “no rules”, but there are some key elements. The “no rules” part just has to do with what you chose your goals to be and what you yourself put in there. As I listened to the method a second time, I realized that not only would a few lines in a planner not work, but the actual bullet journal has the potential to work for me. 

When I worked at the children’s museum, we used to have about 30-50 minutes between the museum opening and the rush of children (on weekdays that is- because of the start times of school tours.  Weekends there was always a rush.) I used to get out a piece of chartreuse paper and a very sharp pencil and make my to do lists during this dead time. This was during my pregnancy and when my daughter was a small child. She was born a year after I started there, and I can’t remember if she was in first or second grade when I left to finish school. After I finished college of course is when my life completely fell apart and I started having disabling panic attacks. To-do lists were suddenly a thing of the past, and I didn’t even realize my system was being dismantled, nor did I realize how the system helped me. 

It’s well past time to restart an organization system for the many aspects of life. I can definitely still do chartreuse paper and super sharp pencils and throwing it away when all items are crossed off. I want something new, though. Of course, I can do that if bulletproof journals don’t work out.  

I do have SOME chartreuse paper, so I can use it to brainstorm topics for the bulletproof journals journal. 

Let’s see how this works out. www.bulletjournal.com

Christmas Sucked

 Last night, my husband and I decided we aren’t going to celebrate any more holidays with my mom. She is just too difficult. Of course, she’s 80 years old, so we may not even have a choice but to celebrate with her. Every year for the next indefinite amount of years, she’s going to use the “I might be dead by next year” card to guilt us. 

Technically, any of us might be dead next year. It’s just that Thanksgiving was nice without her. 

As soon as we walked in the door, she asked Kevin if he is sick of me yet. I wanted to storm out, but my daughter was on her way. I wanted to see my daughter. I also struggle with constant conversation with my mom, because she gets mad at me/ outbursts at me if I respond wrong. She started to do that when I said I didn't want any more chips and salsa. So I was like, ok let me have some more. I have to pacify her constantly, and it’s exhausting. Kevin knows all about this and also knows that she would never do this to him. So he does most of the conversing with her to alleviate the stress off of me. It would be just my luck if my mom used that to accuse him of “not letting me speak” like an abusive and controlling husband. She hasn’t come up with that one yet, but some of my extended family would think that. 

When we got home, I decided to go to the emergency room to get heart palpitations checked out. I went to a cardiologist in 2024 for heart palpitations, and she diagnosed me with PVC’s at 9%. She told me to avoid energy drinks and take Propranolol. But the propranolol ran out, and at the time, I was told it was a controlled substance. It’s not- that’s what this ER doctor said. He gave me one in the ER, and also gave me a Valium. He then ran tests for a bunch of things including AFIB and a bunch of other things. Everything was normal except that my heart rate was 110. He called in refills of propranolol to the pharmacy, which I can pick up today. 

I decided that I need to start taking it regularly for my anxiety symptoms as a replacement for gabapentin. Most people who read this know my struggles obtaining that in the last year or so.  I have been taking this for anxiety for over four years, but it recently became a controlled substance in the last year or so. I quickly found out that if something becomes controlled while you’ve already been on it, then you get demonized like crazy. The narrative in society that you’re “such a brave strong woman for seeking help for your mental health” or whatever, no longer applies. You are now a villain, not a hero lol. I do have some remaining gabapentin, and they went into my safe. Also in my safe is my 100 Envelope challenge.  It’s there for extreme emergencies, but no one wants those. 

My phone must have been listening, because I started getting ads for Propranolol Candies. 🤦🏻‍♀️ 

I sent the link to my cousin/bff the doctor, and she said oh!  That’s problematic!!

It really is, because crap like that has the potential to eventually make propranolol a controlled substance. Then I’ll become a villain again for wanting refills. Four or five years ago, gabapentin was actually given out freely because they wanted to stop giving benzodiazepines. We aren’t there yet though, so for now I can just use what’s available to me while I set the goals I want to set. 

Stay tuned for more New Years goals!

The 54321 Method

 If you have ever sought help for anxiety or depression, one thing you were surely taught was the “54321 Method.”  This is an exercise that’s supposed to calm you down by having you stop and analyze your surroundings by listing 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell and 1 thing you can taste. For instance, right now, I can see my cursor, my keyboard, darkness because the light is off, my left thumb and my right thumb. I can hear Kevin snoring, the fan, the AC, and the cat. I am touching the bed, the blanket, and my nightgown. I can’t smell or taste anything. I think I just got some of the numbers mixed up, but it doesn’t matter. 

The thing about this, is that it doesn’t really help. It might ground you for about five seconds, but the fact that I can see this and that or hear this and that isn’t inherently helpful. 

In my latest Audible find, The Bullet Journal Method by Ryder Carrol, he describes a completely different 54321 method. One that can help much more. In this one, you have five separate goals lists. Your goals for the next five years, goals for the next four months, goals for the next three weeks, goals for the next two days, and goals for the next one hour. 

Ryder then breaks down how to break down longer term goals into smaller ones. I thought this list of five lists was genius. This 54321 method can get someone somewhere. 

If only it was possible for me right now. I had a bit of a nervous breakdown today. My panic attacks feel like actual nerve issues. It’s not painful, it’s just a torturous creepy crawling sensation in my arms, legs and upper chest that can be unbearable. I hesitate to say it’s worse than any pain I’ve ever felt including childbirth, but it is literally worse than any physical pain I’ve ever felt including childbirth. I’d rather have triplets than a panic attack. At least they numb you for that. I fully realize that I’ve never felt the worst pain humanly possible, and I definitely don’t want to- that’s why I hate to say that they’re worse than physical pain, because I don’t want karma to bite me in the ass for saying that out loud. This is 100% a “true for me” statement.  I already know for other people it’s worse and that I’ve only given birth once so was probably “just lucky.”  Just putting that out there!  

I wish I could see a neurologist instead of a psychiatrist. A psychiatrist is only going to give me antidepressants, and like I’ve said, they either do nothing or give me akathisia (which a neurologist would also understand- a psychiatrist will just tell you you aren’t giving the meds enough of a chance.) I have been feeling lately like my nerves are shot. I feel on the verge of being able to accomplish a ton of good things if only I felt normal instead of like my nerves are shot. I couldn’t concentrate at work today. I was just a mess. If only I felt better, I could do the 54321 method and even have a five year plan. 

I came home and realized that tomorrow is Christmas Day, and we are going to my mom’s house. My daughter is going too. I didn’t acknowledge until now that I dread going there with Kevin, because my mom tends to try and talk Kevin against me. She used to do it with my friends when I was a teenager, too. It actually caused some of my teenage friends to ditch me. I know Kevin is more mature than that, though. It’s just a sense of dreading and a realization that I hate the holidays. Even when I was raising my daughter and we lived just the two of us in our own place for over 8 years, I had to do the Santa thing with her on the winter solstice, because the holidays were always about appeasing the grandparents and doing what they wanted. I literally used the pagan wheel of the year to do my own celebrations with her and to make my own memories with her because of all the extreme demands of the older generation on the actual holidays. If you don’t t do exactly what they want, they’re “so hurt” but they don’t care about hurting you. It’s like I have to take constantly being hurt and insulted but they can’t take one iota of it. 

Kevin is glad we have a day off tomorrow, but I’d rather be working. I’ve worked so hard the last few years to be in a place where I’m free and stable and ultimately happy- but there’s no point to any of it because I just have to go home again. There have been so many times in my life where I thought I was breaking free only to end up in that hellhole house. Why does that have to be the case?  What was the point of all the trying?  Was my soul being benefitted from all the trying to break free?  When am I ever going to be able to live without having to feel like the type of person they always wanted me to feel like?  Did my soul choose this?  It’s just always so inevitable that I end up back there. 

I could write my goals for the next five years, four months and whatever else, but it feels pointless. I’m just going to be forced back into the lives of individuals who will laugh at those goals no matter what they are. 

Exposure/Response Prevention Therapy

I struggle a lot with weird compulsions. The most prominent one is that if someone tells me “bye” then I feel compelled to “cancel it out” by saying “see you later”. If I see anything disturbing, such as a billboard for MD Anderson cancer center, I grit my teeth to “cancel it out”. Lots of things I feel like I have to do seven times to feel “right” even if only once does the trick (such as locking my car or turning off burners). I don’t turn the burners on and off seven times, I turn it to the left seven times if it’s already off. 

Most people would say this is classic OCD.  I always ran into trouble getting a diagnosis, though. From people thinking I “came from a good family” when I was younger to once I got older people thinking OCD required a hand washing compulsion that I don’t have, the actual formal label always eluded me. My current therapist, however, validated it immediately. “That’s classic OCD,” she literally said. Oh ok. I can only give so much credibility to labels when I spent so many decades as someone otherwise undeserving of help for whatever reason. 

My therapist also sent me a handout for exposure and response prevention therapy or ERP.

Now, someone pleas help me out with this if you can. Please hold my hand like I’m five and tell me what I’m missing. 

If I went to my conservative elderly uncle and said, “I’m struggling with this.” And described to him the compulsions, he’d likely say, “Just don’t do those things.”  And in response to that, what would any proponent of mental health care say?  They would say, “Don’t settle for someone telling you to just not do something! Go to a real therapist who is licensed in this sort of thing!”  

That sort of response suggests that the actual treatment for OCD compulsions contain something more. But just look over these two handouts and tell me-

Isn’t this just a professional way of telling someone “Just don’t do the thing”?  That’s all this method essentially is. Instead of going to some random family or friend and having them tell you “Just don’t do the thing”, you can pay a lot of money and have professionals tell you to just not do the thing. They might make it look prettier, but they’re literally just, that’s all they’re saying here. 

If I’m missing something, please comment and tell me what I’m missing!  I’m 100% open to learning!

 

Fruitful Day

 

I’m so happy that this little stinker adopted us as his forever family. I took him to the vet today.  No microchip!  He’s a boy, and he’s 6 months old. Very cool that his gotcha day being the winter solstice, the vet aging him at six months old puts his birthday at the summer solstice. This is a very magical cat. Between my husband, my daughter and I all shooting down each other’s name ideas, we finally decided that his name is Jordan. He got shots and will be neutered in January.   I adore this cat. He is just such a good boy. He’s happy, and he’s determined. We have been seeing him here and there. He always gave us a look of longing as if to say, “Will you guys please be my new mommy and daddy?”  

I put Anna’s latest selfie with purple hair up against the ChatGPT candy cane backdrop everyone is doing. She loves it and so do I. My mom thinks she was really in a Candy cane exhibit. 

Then I opened the merchandiser app to find that there was a merchandising job for Lume deodorant. These spray deodorants have faulty nozzles, but the deodorant still sprays out. They want to clear the shelves of it, so they’re reimbursing people for at least five bottles in one transaction. The more you buy, the better. And you’ll be reimbursed for whatever you buy. I also had to record inventory of each sku and merchandise the remaining products I didn’t buy. I am going to get full reimbursement plus $4. And that’s $75 worth right there. They smell nice. I’m giving some to my mom and daughter. My coworker is also on the merchandiser app and when she’s seen jobs like this, she’s asked “Why spend $75 to make $4?” (Or whatever numbers).  Because of the reimbursement, that’s why!  And if you need these products anyway, just like everyone needs deodorant, then you now will not be running out for a while. 

Cat Distribution System 🖤 🐈‍⬛ 🖤

We got home this evening from Llano, Texas, only to find we’ve been blessed by the cat distribution system. 

I’ve seen this cat around. I’ve wanted a black cat for years.  This one has been milling around the property we live on. It immediately jumped into our arms and insisted on going in our house. I had already decided to go Walmart shopping once I got home, and Kevin texted me on the way to get another liter box and more cat food. This cat is extremely friendly. I have a doctor appointment of my own tomorrow, and Kevin asked if I’d take it to the vet afterwards. We want to find out if it’s healthy, male or female, and if it’s microchipped. 

I then started scrolling TikTok and instantly realized that today was the winter solstice and during the festivities at Stonehenge, a black cat climbed the stones. 

I’m taking name suggestions!

 

2026 Goals

 I recently looked back on my blog post from December of 2024 when I set goals for 2025. The first thing I talked about was weight loss and how I wanted to do 10,000 steps a day. Haha, 10,000 steps a day definitely didn’t happen. My main weight loss happened in 2024, but it stayed the same this year. My step count has only been on average 2000-5000 steps a day, depending on work. My husband makes it a point to actually go to the park and walk. I simply don’t do that. I should. Usually when he goes, I just crap out on my bed and doom scroll. Doing that isn’t good for mental health either. 

I also said I wanted to pay off my car and that my hybrid would potentially need a new battery, which might impede my ability to pay the car itself off. Well, both of those goals were met this year. I paid the car off AND got it a new hybrid battery. 😪 

Absolutely no plans on selling that car any time soon. It has 222K miles on it, but the new battery made it run like almost new. 

For 2026 goals regarding health/step count and finances, I would say a realistic financial goal would be to get my total student loan balance down to four figures in 2026. A few months ago, I was serious about paying it down. Then, on the student loans subreddit, several (and I mean several) people started posting that they paid theirs off years ago, and are just now being notified that they owe crazy amounts. And these aren’t people who received any sort of forgiveness- these are people who paid it off with cash money. When I started seeing all those posts, I stopped caring so much about decreasing the balance considerably and only started decreasing it minimally. 

Since my weight plateaued for the entirety of 2025, I think I should definitely revisit the 10,000 step count. Yesterday when we got paid, I bought three extra audible credits and then three titles I was interested in. Because of that, I earned a $15 credit, so I used that on a fourth extra title. That should help with the walking. 

One of the audiobooks I got is called The Bullet Journal Method by Ryder Carrol. I was thinking about getting a planner for 2026, and keeping it on my desk. I really want to challenge the notion that I “can’t” keep a planner. I was told that my whole life, long before I was diagnosed with ADHD. Then when I got the ADHD diagnosis, there was crap everywhere with the message that people with ADHD can’t do planners. If I just keep it on my desk and remind myself that if life happens and I don’t bullet journal in the planner for a day or two I haven’t “failed at it”, then I can really conquer that belief about myself. 

I really really want to focus on getting better from anxiety. That’s the main thing that will solve many problems. I can’t believe that next month, it will be 12 years since I started having panic attacks. For about the first five years, it was extremely bad. Sometimes I wonder, what do I do if the extremely bad happens again?  What if I get really bad like that again?  Part of me assumes I would lose my job and that my husband would divorce me. Then I slow down and think of what actually helps my anxiety. Honestly, my job does, and my husband does. Having cared for children and elderly since I was basically a child myself, doing inventory is a nice, factual reprise from constant moral dilemmas. I told my manager once, there are no moral dilemmas in inventory. The count just is what it is. It’s also constant mental action. Quantity, quantity, quantity, quantity, quantity. It literally takes all the pent up anxiety in my system and gets it out. It’s hard to explain. My husband is also a great support person. He’s amazing, actually, and I met him at this job. I know that I have to placate women who demand to know “what I would do if he died or left me”, but honestly, none of those women would approve of my top three answers, so fuck them. He also swears he’ll never leave me. Am I supposed to trust my own partner or pacify the women who demand to know what I would do if he did (who would not approve of what I would do anyway)? A balance of both, probably, especially since it’s entirely possible that he could drop dead. 

He definitely isn’t leaving me over panic attacks. He’d be pissed if I missed work over a panic attack, but he’s not going to leave me over missing work, and it doesn’t make sense to miss work for a panic attack when the actual job itself helps anxiety. I have thought of possibly looking at intensive outpatient programs to have on hand in case my severe panic attacks come back, but here’s the catch- Those programs will not do shit for me. All psychiatrists do when prescribing medications is trial and error. Nothing is based on anything tangible like bloodwork, urine, or imaging. Antidepressants like Zoloft and escitalopram will either do nothing for me like a placebo, or they give me a terrible side effect called akathisia. The same goes for anti anxiety medications like buspar, hydroxyzine, or any benzodiazepine. Gabapentin works!  But they no longer want to prescribe that. In fact, if you tell them that’s what works, they think you’re this shitty person and will accost the absolute hell out of you. So why would I want to give psychiatrists a second thought when literally all they have to go on is patient testimony, but my patient testimony isn’t what they want to hear?  It’s best to just look within myself for “help”. Maybe my anxiety disorder wouldn’t have lasted 12 years if I had done that in the first place. But, what choice did I have, the cheerleading for mental health care is everywhere. “Oh honey you deserve” (meds, therapy, etc), but then “No not like that” when I describe my experience with it. 

I do have a therapist that I see every two weeks, and she’s a great person, but I’m still trying to figure out what solutions she really has. It took me a lot of mental energy to secure this therapist. The process of finding one was an absolute nightmare. They all require “15 minute free sessions” and then what ended up happening was that I couldn’t explain everything in 15 minutes. So whatever small snippet I could get out in that time frame, the therapist would single that out and say she “doesn’t specialize” in whatever I just said and therefor it “wouldn’t be a good fit”. It was emotionally fucking brutal. It felt like going on job interviews, except for the fact that I have never faced nearly that much rejection in job interviews. And it’s not like I could “just remember not to bring that topic up to the next one in a 15 minute session” because they would do it no matter what vast topic I brought up. Finally, with this one I’ve been seeing, I was emailing her back and forth for a couple weeks beforehand, and I was EXTREMELY VAGUE in those emails. I would just say, I want 6-8 sessions where I just tell you my life story. That’s it. She ran my insurance, and it worked. She pressed a little bit, and eventually insisted on a 15 minute free session, but I did not go into ANY detail until my first session that started with “I was born…” and then about five or six sessions later, I got to present day. That’s the way to do it, honestly. 

And yes I want to tell my therapist some of my plans for 2026 on how to help myself, although im not sure what she can say except “That’s great”.  She might surprise me, though.  I feel like I need to keep her at bay not only so I can “say” I’m seeking professional help and not doing it all on my own, but in case the unthinkable does happen and the panic disorder gets so bad again that I’m practically disabled.  

So I’ll wrap up this blog post by saying bc that for 2026, my financial and health goals will center around the number 10,000. 10,000 steps per day and the total student loan balance being under $10,000. Keep a 2026 planner by my desk and bullet journal in it most days. Use audiobooks to help with the walking. This will also be better for my mental health than bed ridden doom scrolling I do when my husband goes walking. 

I also want to close this with a quick memory. In 2026, I’m turning 48. My mother’s 48th birthday was memorable. We were on the road moving from Chicago to Arizona. We spent her birthday in a motel in Oklahoma and ordered pizza. Then we went to bed, and my father insisted on leaving at 3:30 am because our dog was borking and he didn’t tell the front desk that we had a dog. To this day, my mother will insist that we did, but I distinctly remember that being the reason he wanted to leave before we got caught. I can’t believe I’m almost the same age my mom was when we did that move. My dad was 51at the time. I can’t believe kind of understand their desire to go to Arizona, now that I’m older. It really is unique there. At the time, I couldn’t wait to leave. If I ever went back there, it would probably be cool for about a year and then I’d get sick of it again. Happy new year!

Name Day

 Today was my “namesday” - something I might care a little more about if I was still a practicing Greek Orthodox like my mom. 

Today at work, I was lost in thought while taking inventory. That happens a lot. It’s easy to have half my brain on the count and half on another topic. The prophet Daniel, who is commemorated today (thus being my namesday since I’m named Danielle) is known for being thrown into a pit of hungry lions and being spared. The lions didn’t even eat him after all. Sometimes when I’ve heard this story in the past, they befriended him, but I can’t remember them being friends when I actually read the story in the Bible. 

It’s similar to how I’ve come to realize the past few years what horrible advice I’ve been given my whole life. I went about my life, got to middle age, and realized that most of the advice I received was false and I have to relearn everything. It feels a lot like being thrown into a den of lions and not being eaten. All these things that were “supposed” to happen never did. In fact, they were never going to happen anyway. 

I Can’t December Anymore

I’m a little burned out from work. My favorite inventory, the small Hispanic grocery chain, ended yesterday. On Friday, there was extremely thick fog in the morning, and I said riding in the car through thick fog made me hungry for pea soup. Kevin agreed. In fact, he agreed so much, that he reminded me twice throughout the day to pick up ingredients for split pea soup on the way out. So I googled recipes really quick, and apparently, it’s made with a hambone. Well Kevin is a vegetarian, so I googled pea soup recipes without ham. It suggested carrots, celery, onions, dried split peas, vegetable stock, and spices of your choosing. I got this carrot at the store we did inventory at. It’s so funny, I didn’t want to chop it. One of my friends said, “It’s happy to see you!”  

I guess it is! I’m glad we had today off. I rested all day, had leftover pea soup, and we shopped for more frozen meals. That’s because tomorrow we get even busier at work. I’m exhausted just thinking about it. We are working four days locally and then on Friday we are traveling to the dead ass middle of Texas. 

I took every single denim chenille quilt I’ve ever made to my favorite washateria. They all look amazing now. The two that will be gifts are ready to ship. The others that are going to be sold are going to go in an Etsy shop in 2026. I’ve also made a wreath for one of my friends who moved to North Carolina. It’s a housewarming/holiday gift. This way, I’ll get practice shipping wreaths, too. 

 

My Mother Called Me Woke

 And other happenings: my mom’s sister Gloria is 90. The other day, my mom said she was on the phone with her, and Gloria didn’t know who she was on the phone with. My mom dealt with it in the only way she knows how to deal with things- she yelled at Aunt Gloria. “WHY DONT YOU KNOW WHO THIS IS?!?!  WHO DO YOU THINK YOURE TALKING TO?!?!” 

She then said that Aunt Gloria “started acting like a bitch.”  I explained to my mom that if she has dementia, that yelling at her is naturally only going to make it worse. She isn’t going to respond to being yelled at by saying, “Thanks I’m cured. I know now, you’re my sister.”  My mom responded by calling me woke and accused me of “knowing everything.”  When I suggested she just go along with her  

To make matters worse, Aunt Gloria intends to call other people but only seems to have muscle memory for dialing my mom’s number. So this happens several times a day. Mom has finally gotten the hint to not pick up the phone. I’m so glad I no longer live in her nut house. 

I’m also glad it’s not just me that she has a propensity to yell at constantly. I have come to believe that a lot of my anxiety and mental health struggles stem from her and my father just constantly yelling about everything for as long as I can remember. I don’t have siblings, and they always put on a front outside of home, so I often feel like I’m the only one who she does this to. But now I know I’m not!  I have no desire to ever go “no contact” with my mom, but limited contact combined with living 65 miles away is ideal. 

2025 Season

 

Busy December

I thought we weren't getting a day off until the 14th, but I was wrong. We're off today. And also on the 14th!  I decided to go to Costco today. It was a madhouse!  When I go to Costco, I open the field agent app and look for side jobs at the location I'm in. Normally, field agent will have several small jobs at one Costco location. I do as many as possible and also browse for deals. Today, I spent $92 and made $39 in field agent jobs. Not bad. The 24-pack energy drinks are such a good deal that they are practically “earnings” themselves. I also got a white bathrobe (the house is cold this time of year, and I often don't feel like moving the space heater to the bathroom to warm it up before my shower) and a large bag of “Dubai-style pistachios”.  They have some sugar, but are good when I have a sweet tooth, because there isn't much, and pistachios are healthy. I could have done more side jobs, because every time I submitted one, another one would pop up for pictures of another aisle. I couldn't take the crowds anymore, though. There wasn't just the normal Sunday crowds, there was one group of about 30 people all shopping together and getting in the way a lot. 

The chain of stores we are doing inventory at for about the next two weeks is my favorite client and only comes around once a year in December. It's the easiest type of inventory, and the stores are just a fun atmosphere. They are grocery stores, but only about half the size of regular grocery stores, and are full of imports from Latin America. Their deli is also amazing.  They play Spanish Christmas songs on the overhead, and they are the same rotation of songs that I remember from past December. I even remembered the words to a lot of those songs.  The only problem is that I have a hell of a time ordering food from the deli. The ladies who work there always act like they can't understand you, even if you're speaking Spanish. Last year it made me feel like something was wrong with my Spanish, but in literally every other circumstance where I speak Spanish in public, no one ever acts this confused. It's just something about the ladies who work in the delis at this chain. I've resorted to just pointing to what I want in the case. One woman got my order wrong, but it was close enough. The thing that happened last year that made me question my ability to speak Spanish was that I was ordering tacos and the woman asked “Maiz or Harina?” (corn or flour tortilla) and I replied, “Harina.”   (Flour)  I rolled my R and everything but she still said loudly and incredulously, “QUE??”  So I said it louder, “HARINA.” She held up a flour tortilla and asked if that was the one I wanted. I was like sí, wtf, how did she not understand that?  A year later, and I'm still not over that interaction. 

Other than that minor detail though, I love doing these stores!  We deviate from it this Tuesday when we do a privately owned grocery store near Conroe. This particular store gives us wall calendars every year. We always get three. One for the kitchen, one for above my desk, and one for my mother-in-law. This saves almost $40, honestly. Speaking of my mother-in-law, I got her and my mom matching Oyster shell crosses from an Etsy shop. I stopped at Dollar Tree on the way home from Costco and got them gift bags and tissue paper. I also got 15 rolls of burlap ribbon. Speaking of Etsy shops, I'm determined to open mine in 2026. 

Here's to a busy December and a relaxing Christmas. 

 

Denim Chenille Quilts

I’m making denim chenille quilts out of my scraps for Christmas gifts to ship. This way, I can use my scraps and learn to ship these. 

This is the rainbow quilt I got out of all my colored scraps. It turned out actually way cuter than I thought. My cousin/best friend in the Chicago area is getting this for Christmas. 

The heart appliqué is an idea I got somewhere. The heart needs to be smaller though. That’s ok, the point is to learn from mistakes. Once the chenille fuzzes up, you won’t be able to tell it’s a heart. 

And just in case you’re confused on how I make it fuzzy on the back-

I clip all the seams like this. Then when I wash it with a lot of fabric softener, the seams are fuzzy, hence the term “chenille”. 

The blue and gray one is going to my coworker. She was hinting like crazy for one. Then she just flat out asked. I explained that I will have to ship it, not just hand it over at work and she said ok. She wants it in the spare room where her grandkids go when they come over. 

There is still enough for another quilt which will be alternated between denim blue and purple. That one will go to my cousin in Connecticut. I don’t have anyone outside the USA to give one to. It would be nice to practice shipping internationally. 

 I’m also considering doing this for free for memorial quilts. That is, if someone loses a loved one and they want one of these out of their loved one’s old clothing. I would do that.  I trust myself enough now that I don’t believe I would ruin someone’s loved one’s clothing. I mean, of course it would have to be cut up, but I have enough “denim chenille quilt experience” now that I trust myself to do a good job on it with someone else’s lost loved one’s old stuff. 

Tidbits for December

 Kevin and I have the day off, and this is actually the last day off we have until Christmas. So I’m about to be busy, tired, and rich. 

Anna has her phone off while she studies for finals. This is the last week of school for her. She has done great her first semester. 

We went out for a nice Mexican dinner in Austin, and I had a watermelon margarita. 

An ongoing issue with me. 

I can’t stop listening to This song. I heard it on TikTok, and it’s catchy. 

I’ve been doing the Pilate bands to work my upper arms and upper chest. However, the slightest, easiest workouts will kill my arms for the next two days. I’m never in that much pain after leg or core exercises. Probably because I do them more often. In the last two years or so of weight loss journey, I’ve never done anything with arms. I know the answer is to build up slowly, but DAMN am I sore the next day. 

Our Early Thanksgiving

I deleted my Facebook account. I also deleted the app off of my phone. The instance on Sunday with the person from my past who begged for money was all I needed to just close the door for good. Most of my friends on there were my coworkers from the children’s museum, where I have not worked for over a decade. I don’t even think most people I want to be in contact with go on anymore. It’s all dumb groups. It’s totally unnecessary. 

My daughter came home from college the day before yesterday, and we had Thanksgiving dinner today, a day early. Kevin and I both had to work this morning, but Anna sleeps so late on her days off that I knew we’d be done with work just as she was waking up. Before we left, I looked up instructions on how to cook turkey breast in the crockpot. Basically, you butter all the sides of the inside of the pot. Then you butter the turkey. Then sprinkle your spices and chunk it in. I put it on low and left for work. When we got home 6 hours later, it was perfect. 

I forgot to take an after picture though! 

Then made some instant rice and side veggies and it was a meal. Kevin is a vegetarian so he didn’t eat any turkey, but Mitchell and Alex did. 

We then put up the Christmas tree. Here is Mitchell checking it out. 

 

How Would You Feel?

Picture this: Someone from your past treated you like dirt. They mocked you, called you names, constantly told you that you were no good.  They physically assaulted you, told you no one will ever love you. You eventually proved them wrong about yourself. You became successful by going against their advice, realizing along the way that it was bad advice intended to make you fail. 

Then one day, you got a really big paycheck. All but $200 of it was obligation free. In fact, there may have been about a $200 bonus on there that you didn’t expect. So, it’s a nice payday. You go to Walmart, the salon, order Christmas gifts. 

Then, the next day, you log onto Facebook and there’s a rant from said person. She’s begging for $300 to fix her car, and scolding everyone for not helping her out. She even insinuates that those of us who have it to spare would be nothing without her. Do you experience Schadenfreude?  Do you send the $300? Or do you just do something in the middle, gloat and let it go?  

Because that was the situation for me this weekend!  And for clarification, I am NOT talking about my mother!  My mother has 6 figures and never goes on Facebook. 

This person honestly probably shouldn’t even be driving. 

TikTok’s making me lose my mind

 First of all, this lady trying to advocate for or against something at a school board meeting. I laughed so hard I almost peed in my pants. Had to share that one with a few friends. The comments are gold. “This is my coworker who makes $140K a year” lol yuppp.  

Secondly, the dance trend where a person spends about 40-50 seconds dancing to silence and then letting the TikTok algorithm pick the song. Somehow, this guy got a Christmas song, These two appear to be doing completely different genres at first, but the algorithm still nails it. And This lady just got done so dirty lololol. 

I need the laughs though. I have a serious case of burnout. 

A Few Things

 I really want to someday write my book, The Child Advocate. The Elyse Meyers drama, briefly and accurately described here is turning me off to the idea. Omg poor Elyse Meyers. I “somewhat” knew the “rule” that authors shouldn’t interact with reader reviews. I think that’s why I anticipate controversy before I write my shit. I think of an area of the story that might stir, and I anticipate what the consensus will be and then try to incorporate my acknowledgement of the consensus in my writing. Is that an unspoken no-no, too?  Jesus. 

Besides The Child Advocate, I do have a few more book ideas. In one of them, I base it on my first boyfriend and I running away and never looking back when we were 18, because 18 year olds can do that. We just didn’t know we could at the time. I’ve mentioned it before that we wanted 7 kids. I think I would still incorporate seven kids into the story. In the story, I’d have a boy first, then a girl, then boy/girl twins, then adoption of a sibling group of three. And he wouldn’t die at 46, of course. The possibilities are endless, and so would be the potential conflicts. 

My next book idea stems from the fascination I have with missing people being found alive. This one might not be as realistic. In real life, I always daydreamed about publishing articles and posts that compel missing people to save themselves. It’s complicated. Realistically, once a missing person has been missing for some time, no one really is going to save them except for themselves. By then, of course, they will have been severely abused, brainwashed, traumatized, and have assumed false identities. My main character would be a freelance journalist who publishes pieces in order to convince someone in that situation to remember who they are and come forward. The main character of this hypothetical third book would be commissioned by the FBI to write publications in locations where they have reason to believe some missing people are living. This third book idea might be a little more unrealistic, as I have no idea what it’s like to be a freelance journalist or an FBI agent. My cousin Kathy was an FBI agent. Too bad she’s passed away. She could have been my consultant. Back in 2013, when 3 women were found together in Cleveland, Kathy was very tight lipped about it, only having said, “There are more.”  (Meaning, there must be so many more missing people written off as dead who aren’t.) 

More of my writing career ideas have to do with positive parenting, but I’m even afraid of the backlash from that. Positive parenting is the thing that would have the most effect on humanity several generations and centuries after I’m gone, but it’s not without its critics. 

I tried to get into a television show called The Tudors, about Henry VIII and his string of wives. However- the actor that plays Henry is soooo hot. Wasn’t the real Henry fat and ugly?  He’s always portrayed as such. The actor that plays him is VERY good looking, and I had to turn it off saying to myself, “I can’t have the hots for Henry VIII.”  

Lazy Cashier

 At the store we did inventory at yesterday, I helped Kevin scan some of the items behind the register, so I was able to hear some interactions between the cashier and customers. This was also a truck stop, so most of them were truckers. This place had another register by the main entrance, but this particular register was by the diesel pumps. One trucker asked if they had Altoid mints. She immediately said, “No.” I thought that was weird. All those places have Altoid mints. Then another trucker asked for cool ranch Doritos. She immediately said, “No.”  In my mind, I’m like WHAT.  I looked up from what I was doing and conspicuously strained my head to look over at the frito lay area. I didn’t see any right away, but once I was done helping Kevin, I looked for both Altoid and cool ranch Doritos, and they were both easily findable. 

When I was in my teens and worked at a store, it was an absolute ABOMINATION to tell a customer “no” or “I don’t know”. The rule is, you find out. You look, you ask. This bitch wasn’t even trying. 

A couple hours later, I was counting on the aisles near the cooler doors and a man asked me if the store had the 99 cent cans of Arizona tea in 12 packs. They didn’t have it at that store- I would have noticed it if they did. My daughter loves Arizona tea, so if the 99 cent cans came in 12 packs for a total of even less than 99 cents, I would have always noticed. I gave a much more detailed answer and expended much more emotional labor into my response to this man than the cashier. I had also mentioned that I didn’t actually work for the store, so I overheard him asking that woman at the diesel register. Then I heard him say, “Oh No Sè? No Comprende?”  I rolled my eyes. That lady knew how to speak English, she just didn’t want to be bothered answering questions. That was my irritation of the day. She was not a young person, either, she had gray strands of hair and was around the same age as me. I would expect such behavior from a teenager, even though I was expected to move mountains for people when I was a teen myself. 

Little Visitor

 

Yesterday while doing inventory in Victoria, Texas, a little toddler girl just ran up to me and announced, “Hi, Danielle!”  Except with her just learning to talk, she pronounced my name “Don-Elle”. I was startled. I didn’t know who she was. How on earth did she know my name? She was barefoot and didn’t have adults around. I looked up and around for her parents and immediately saw a man and a woman walking towards her. I smiled and they started talking. I also asked how old she was, and they said 20 month old. (In other words, she’s turning two in four months).  I didn’t tell them she mysteriously knew my name. I mostly believe in reincarnation, and immediately thought to myself, well who are you the reincarnation of?  

Her parents had accents, and I asked where they were from. They said New Zealand. I said, What brings you to Texas?  They said touring the USA in an RV.  I told them she was cute, and to have fun and safe travels. 

Then I got to thinking, being 20 months old makes her born in March of 2024. The last elderly person I worked with as a home caregiver actually died in March of 2024. Coincidence?  Like I said, I only “mostly” believe in reincarnation, but that’s because it can’t be proven. It’s what makes the most sense to me. 

My mother doesn’t believe in it but still insisted it was a “divine visitor”. She has a story she tells often of walking with me in an umbrella stroller along the beach in Tijuana when I was about two years old. An elderly unkempt man walked past us from the opposite direction, reached his hand out to me in the stroller and exclaimed, “Danielitaaaa!” Then walked behind my mom, but when she looked over her shoulder he was gone. My mom said my father was walking about 10-12 feet away closer to the shore and she called out to him, “How did he know her name?”  My dad just shrugged. My mom always thought it was a divine visitor as well. Just wondering if this ever happened to anyone else. 

My kid helped the archaeology club dig a hole. She said they were going to then use the hole for a fire pit to cook food. 

We are on our way home from Victoria, Texas where we did inventory of several truck stop/gift shops. I am exhausted. The motel we checked into last night had a booger on the wall of the bath/shower. Kevin said he didn’t see it, but he took a shower and I took a bath. They also didn’t clean out the fridge from the last guest. I wondered if it was the same person that ordered that food that blew snot in the shower. 

I’m ready for my only day off, tomorrow. 

 

Fun Inventory

 Well, not that much fun. Because, on my payday trip to Walmart I purchased Pilates bands for arm workouts. It came with an exercise guide, and three bands- easy, medium and hard. I gave my daughter the hard one, because she does Pilates regularly. However, only 25 morning reps and 25 evening reps with the easy band threw my back out in one single strip down the left of my back. I do so well with leg, core, and aerobic exercises, but arm workouts kill my back. And even though I’m 47, I still don’t have bingo wings- I could work my arms to a good level if I could just get over the pain afterwards. 

The store chain we’re doing inventory at this week is very fun. I don’t let on to Kevin how much I love this chain, because he calls them “Buccees wannabes”. I mean in a way they are. They sell great gift items. I just received about $220 from the Merchandiser app from the toilet paper and paper towels aisles pictures. I plan on walking out today with some Christmas presents for Anna. They had weighted stuffed animals. She has a couple of weighted stuffed animals, but could probably use one more. She uses my weighted blanket for anxiety, as I personally have a love/hate relationship with it. It does help when you’re trying to fall asleep, but then when you wake up out of a deep sleep to turn over, it almost feels like you’re stuck. 

We are working very long days which makes up for the fact that we didn’t work much last week (which is why I had time to do stuff for the merchandiser app).  I’ve completely fallen off the creativity bandwagon for both writing and sewing. Maybe during thanksgiving I can get back on that. 

I feel extremely accomplished for “getting” a therapist to tell me I have PTSD. Not sure why this feels so satisfying. I do wonder what it would say if my mom was somehow involved in the therapy. If I was a minor or a very young adult, and she was the one paying for the sessions, I’m not sure the therapist would give me a diagnosis that is as respected as PTSD. I do have two cousins with BPD, or “borderline personality disorder” which actually sounds insulting to me. I believe that I was spared from a BPD diagnosis in the past 5-10 years or so, because I made it clear that while being with a man was what I preferred, that I could still be happy with myself single. One of my cousins who got a BPD diagnosis years ago pretty much always made sure she was with a man. Recently, she went to another provider who dropped the BPD diagnosis and diagnosed her on the autism spectrum. She has an autistic grandchild now. So it checks out with the genetics. With my current therapist, I also made it abundantly clear that even though I m happily married, I would still be happy single if I suddenly become single again. I think maybe “always needing a partner” contributes to that. I have another cousin who I know has a diagnosis of bipolar, but whenever she’s manic, she’s extremely productive. She’s an artist and fashion designer as well as working a main job, and she’s created entire lines in her manic phases that have sold very well. I also told my therapist that I read Holy Disruptor and how it helped. 

Feeling Like Theo Huxtable

 Well I had therapy this afternoon, and beforehand, I looked on my billing document. I was surprised to see two diagnoses. The first was GAD, or generalized anxiety disorder. That was a given. The next one was chronic PTSD. I had heard before that I had “complex” PTSD, but when I asked for a clarification, she explained that complex PTSD isn’t an official diagnosis in the DSM 5.  I asked, if it becomes an official diagnosis in the DSM 6, will I get the diagnosis?  She said yes, barring any weird wording that only restricts it to a certain age group or . She then said, she doesn’t know what they’ll do with the DSM 6.  I thought to myself (but didn’t say this out loud) that as long as they don’t rewrite autism to make it look like Trump cured it, I’m good. 

Having PTSD in writing for me feels so validating that I feel like Theo Huxtable When he announced to his parents that he had dyslexia and they burst out cheering. Who would have thought that someone whose parents stayed married could still have their traumatic experiences so validated like that?  

Anyway, time for another work busy spurt. 

This is so scary to me

It’s terrifying to me that a woman in her 40’s can be confirmed alive and well by law enforcement, have her missing person case closed by law enforcement, but still have her immediate family members insist she’s a missing person because she doesn’t want anything to do with them. If it was a male romantic partner she was trying to get away from, the world would have her back. Anyone can claim that anyone else has “mental health issues” as a tool to control them. Mental health issues cannot be physically proven or disproven with any sort of bloodwork or imaging. And if any of us has ever been on any antidepressants, we also “have mental health issues.”  Does that mean we have to be forced contact with toxic family members?  This can happen to any of us. If she’s as crazy as her mom claims, then she will be arrested soon anyway and her mom would have nothing to worry about. What a nightmare for Kimberly.