It’s been over 11 years now since I started suffering from panic attacks. I’m starting to really really accept that I am the only one who is going to help me get through them. Sometimes my husband can. Sometimes my mom can. Sometimes my best friend can. However-
As far as professional help, there just isn’t any for me. We are told in our society that when you go to a psychiatrist, “you just have to keep trying different meds and doses until you find what works for you.” Ignoring the fact that the reason they say that is because psychiatric conditions aren’t physically provable- I did find what works for me medication-wise. It’s called gabapentin. It’s normally used for diabetic nerve pain, but used off label for anxiety. It worked wonders for me. But on the other hand, the same doctors in the same field will shame you for wanting that specific drug. Gabapentin is not a narcotic, nor a benzodiazepine, nor even a controlled substance in my state. But medical professionals and pharmacists will audibly express their disdain. I don’t think it should matter. I also think they get kick backs for some of the medications they try and push on people, because like I said- none of these conditions are physically provable. I’m “supposed” to be taking gabapentin daily, but I don’t unless my anxiety is really really bad. If I do take it one day, I make sure I go at least 48 hours without taking it again, preferably 72 hours. This is because there’s just so much shame out there in taking it. Once in a blue moon (definitely less often than once a month), the pharmacy will text me that I have a 30 day supply ready and I’ll go get it in the evenings when it’s young people working and I know they won’t comment. It’s just an uphill battle with the medication, and if I start over with a new psychiatrist, then he or she will just make me try stuff I already tried and know does nothing for me.
As far as therapy goes, I’m not sure how many therapists I’ve tried since 2014. At lest 8-10, probably a dozen. I have three strikes against me when it comes to therapy:
1. My parents stayed married. I was not from a broken home or a single parent home. Growing up with both my parents together is considered a privilege, and I’ve been chewed out by therapists for “still being depressed”.
2. Even though I did endure a lot of abuse growing up, none of it was sexual abuse. It was every other kind. I don’t think all therapists think sexual abuse is the only type that is supposed to warrant needing therapy, but I did get that impression from a couple of them. Especially the one that told me St. Jude commercials didn’t count as a “trigger” because “kids dying of cancer has nothing to do with sex or sexual assault.” I’ll never forgive that bitch for saying that. In fact, she inadvertently cured me of those ads being so triggering, because now whenever I see them I gawk at her audacity.
Strike 3: I regret my college education. Therapists hate hearing that. They worship the education system, and always try to convince me that actually I made a good choice. Actually I didn’t! I need you to actually help me through the mess I made of my life, not argue with me that it’s not actually a mess.
I go back to This article about weekly. It’s 13 things to help you through a panic attack. When it comes to therapists, you might pay them $100 or $200 per hour or more, and literally all they’ll do in the end is recite that article. While it’s there, free on Google. Do any of you make $200 per hour, because I don’t. And the money you save on their ridiculous fees can actually be used towards whatever thing is causing you anxiety.
Sometimes people will tell you “just find another therapist!” Ok what’s the name of one that will not have any problems with any of the things I listed above? They are basically all the same. I actually find it a little cultish that “no therapist” is not a valid answer to that question. I dread the day when I run out of gabapentin and there are no more doctors who will prescribe it. Maybe at that point I can retire in Mexico. Olé
Yes! You have to do and use what works for you. I use Gabapentin for diabetic nerve pain and it does have a calming effect. I also use an anti-nausea medication called Promethazine. It also has a calming effect that works wonders for panic attacks and anxiety. I get my doctor to give it to me by saying one of the other medications make me feel nauseous. If she knew what I actually wanted it for she wouldn't give it to me so I do what I gotta do.
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