Yesterday I tried to get back in with my old therapist. I had been seeing her for several months, and I spent a ton of mental effort telling her my life story and the things I struggled with. This was after a string of potential therapists rejected me in “free 15 minute consultations.” They would always cite one thing I said in that 15 minute session that was something “they don’t specialize in”. In the beginning of 2026, this therapist started having scheduling issues. She had them before I started the new job that only lasted 8 days. I was not working for an entire month and could have seen her any time to process all that was going on, but she was not available. The woman she referred me to didn’t know me as well as she did. She was nice, but only wanted to do breathing exercises and I already know how to do those. Now that I tried to go back to the old one that had scheduling issues (because my own schedule is different now), she just refused to see me. She won’t tell me why other than scheduling. I am trying really hard not to be devastated, but it’s hard because I spent SO MUCH ENERGY talk about everything, just for nothing. It took months.
Obviously, finding a new one is an extremely difficult task. The thought of going through all of those “free 15 minute sessions” again, just to be rejected over and over based on these arbitrary “specialties” just sounds like a nightmare. And even if I did find one, then if I can spend months and months talking just to be dropped, what’s the point?
It seems like if you get any actual help from therapists at all, then it might take a year or more of just talking. I REALLY don’t want to go through all of that, especially with the extremely high likelihood of being rejected by them in the process. The rejection is absolutely emotionally brutal. This therapist only gave “scheduling” as the reason, too, she didn’t even tell me what I did wrong.
I feel like we live in a society that worships therapy so much that simply not wanting to go isn’t acceptable. No, you must “find a new one”. Since this lady had diagnosed me with PTSD, someone online suggested “someone who specializes in trauma” but I mean, she did specialize in trauma. Not only that, but one who claims to specialize in trauma might say I don’t actually have PTSD, or they might just say they don’t “specialize” in “that kind of trauma.” It is extremely impossible to get help this way.
I’m sometimes jealous of people for whom it’s easy to get help with their anxiety and depression. I’m jealous of the people who say their little 10 mg of SSRIs “saved their life” when SSRIs did nothing for me, even at the highest dose. Then I think about it, and am I really justified in being jealous? Because they in a way are being told that they can’t help themselves. They’re convinced that they need this and that to be happy. Since the tools that make them happy/saved their life are denied to me, then am I stronger for being forced to help myself?
I have some ideas on how to help myself. I do have my own ways. I went wrong in believing all the hype about conventional medications and therapy. Since 2015, it has brought me way down instead of helped. I have always solved my own problems and dug myself out of ruts.
My work situation is going ok. The woman I work with three days a week doesn’t like having a caregiver. Her kids like me, and she’s pleasant to talk to when there’s nothing else happening. But this woman was very independent her whole life and didn’t even retire until she was 79. She isn’t someone who wants someone else tying her shoes for her. The other clients that I pick up here and there for gift card boss are all great. I packed myself a bag with a clean pair of scrubs just in case I need to change, and also books, notebooks and pens.
I have a long list of journaling ideas. Kevin mentioned that what I’m doing now is “harder” than doing the inventory service. I said, not particularly. When I am doing certain tasks, those tasks might be harder than keying in inventory, but most of the tasks aren’t. This job also has a lot of down time. There’s no down time with the inventory service. For instance, when I worked overnight, the woman I was caring for was asleep most of my shift. But the woman I work with three days a week has board games as a part of her therapy, so I do that too. Playing chess and connect four isn’t harder than inventory.
That being said, I wish I was still doing inventory. For one thing, I was in a different place every day. For another thing, the physical motion involved with all the scanning and keying in did have a tendency to ball up all the pent up anxiety and force it out. Caregiving has its plus sides, but I would rather still be at the old job. It is what it is, though. I don’t think I’ll ever know why the other couple turned on us and tried so hard to run us off. We did a great job there. You can’t turn back time though.
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