The 54321 Method

 If you have ever sought help for anxiety or depression, one thing you were surely taught was the “54321 Method.”  This is an exercise that’s supposed to calm you down by having you stop and analyze your surroundings by listing 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell and 1 thing you can taste. For instance, right now, I can see my cursor, my keyboard, darkness because the light is off, my left thumb and my right thumb. I can hear Kevin snoring, the fan, the AC, and the cat. I am touching the bed, the blanket, and my nightgown. I can’t smell or taste anything. I think I just got some of the numbers mixed up, but it doesn’t matter. 

The thing about this, is that it doesn’t really help. It might ground you for about five seconds, but the fact that I can see this and that or hear this and that isn’t inherently helpful. 

In my latest Audible find, The Bullet Journal Method by Ryder Carrol, he describes a completely different 54321 method. One that can help much more. In this one, you have five separate goals lists. Your goals for the next five years, goals for the next four months, goals for the next three weeks, goals for the next two days, and goals for the next one hour. 

Ryder then breaks down how to break down longer term goals into smaller ones. I thought this list of five lists was genius. This 54321 method can get someone somewhere. 

If only it was possible for me right now. I had a bit of a nervous breakdown today. My panic attacks feel like actual nerve issues. It’s not painful, it’s just a torturous creepy crawling sensation in my arms, legs and upper chest that can be unbearable. I hesitate to say it’s worse than any pain I’ve ever felt including childbirth, but it is literally worse than any physical pain I’ve ever felt including childbirth. I’d rather have triplets than a panic attack. At least they numb you for that. I fully realize that I’ve never felt the worst pain humanly possible, and I definitely don’t want to- that’s why I hate to say that they’re worse than physical pain, because I don’t want karma to bite me in the ass for saying that out loud. This is 100% a “true for me” statement.  I already know for other people it’s worse and that I’ve only given birth once so was probably “just lucky.”  Just putting that out there!  

I wish I could see a neurologist instead of a psychiatrist. A psychiatrist is only going to give me antidepressants, and like I’ve said, they either do nothing or give me akathisia (which a neurologist would also understand- a psychiatrist will just tell you you aren’t giving the meds enough of a chance.) I have been feeling lately like my nerves are shot. I feel on the verge of being able to accomplish a ton of good things if only I felt normal instead of like my nerves are shot. I couldn’t concentrate at work today. I was just a mess. If only I felt better, I could do the 54321 method and even have a five year plan. 

I came home and realized that tomorrow is Christmas Day, and we are going to my mom’s house. My daughter is going too. I didn’t acknowledge until now that I dread going there with Kevin, because my mom tends to try and talk Kevin against me. She used to do it with my friends when I was a teenager, too. It actually caused some of my teenage friends to ditch me. I know Kevin is more mature than that, though. It’s just a sense of dreading and a realization that I hate the holidays. Even when I was raising my daughter and we lived just the two of us in our own place for over 8 years, I had to do the Santa thing with her on the winter solstice, because the holidays were always about appeasing the grandparents and doing what they wanted. I literally used the pagan wheel of the year to do my own celebrations with her and to make my own memories with her because of all the extreme demands of the older generation on the actual holidays. If you don’t t do exactly what they want, they’re “so hurt” but they don’t care about hurting you. It’s like I have to take constantly being hurt and insulted but they can’t take one iota of it. 

Kevin is glad we have a day off tomorrow, but I’d rather be working. I’ve worked so hard the last few years to be in a place where I’m free and stable and ultimately happy- but there’s no point to any of it because I just have to go home again. There have been so many times in my life where I thought I was breaking free only to end up in that hellhole house. Why does that have to be the case?  What was the point of all the trying?  Was my soul being benefitted from all the trying to break free?  When am I ever going to be able to live without having to feel like the type of person they always wanted me to feel like?  Did my soul choose this?  It’s just always so inevitable that I end up back there. 

I could write my goals for the next five years, four months and whatever else, but it feels pointless. I’m just going to be forced back into the lives of individuals who will laugh at those goals no matter what they are.