Example

 I thought about editing my last post with this one example, but since that post has already gotten about six views I just made another post. 

After a few days of just watching videos in the staff room, I was shadowing other techs who were working one on one with children. They made it clear that I wasn’t expected to do the actual therapy yet, just observe and interact with the kids. So the tech I shadowed said to me, “This is so and so” and I replied with “Hi (name) how are you? I’m Danielle.”  Later on, I was told that was too many words. And look, I get that they’re non verbal. I totally understood that this nonverbal three year old was not going to say, “Hi Danielle, how are you, I’m-“

So I told myself ok, next time I do this I’ll do differently and I will only talk to them in one word increments. EXCEPT that the one word increments that the therapists and techs are to use with them are already scripted in their notes, and I was using wrong words. 

It would have been totally fine if I was given the chance to memorize all of their “target words” but I was only given the notes of a couple kids. And I’m still not actually certified or working one on one with kids. 

I really hate that all these little basic well meaning things are seen as “wrong”. The trainer lectured me a couple times about this, and she gave the impression that I was trying to harm the kids somehow. By saying “hi how are you” !!! And by using “thank you” in the moment when “thank you isn’t a target” or whatever. This is all just so weird to me and foreign and I just don’t think I can open my mind any more than I possibly already have. 

Sometimes, with working with kids, if someone is new or learning or maybe the job isn’t a right fit for them, people who work with kids will accuse that person of intending to do the kids harm. I think I’m guilty of it in their past myself, so maybe this is karma. But now that this trainer has lectured me twice about this weird issue, it’s clear that she’s doing the same thing to me. I feel like I have devoted MY WHOLE LIFE to helping children and to end up in this weird place being told that I can’t say “Hi how are you” or “Are you done playing with that?” Or any complete sentence or any word or phrase that isn’t their target, I find that totally offensive and devastating. Like who would have thought after everything I have been through in my life and achieved that this would be the thing that someone chooses to bring me down with?  

This is why I just think there is no more calling on my life whatsoever. 

And I can totally get behind reprimanding someone who says “hi how are you” to an autistic nonverbal child and then gets pissed off when they don’t respond. But I thought it was a given that I already knew that. And that wasn’t the issue anyway. They were pissed that I said it at all. 

With my husband gone I honestly am tempted to just run away. There is no one to watch my cats though. I think it’s about time that I just sit down and consider my life and the things I’ve done/not done, what unfinished business I have and just stop trying so hard.