One more final thought

 One more final thing on ABA hell. Remember This post I made when my own therapist recommended I do exposure and response prevention therapy?  I didn’t see how anything helpful came of a therapy where all it was was them telling you “just don’t do the thing.” 

Maybe some of that played a part here too. If something is considered a therapy, I don’t know why, I just expect it to be more/different/better than just “ok don’t do that.”  The example I gave below  where you would tell a screaming child to say stop instead of screaming is an example. You’re just telling them not to.  Anyone can tell anyone to say a certain word or to not scream. I just in general expect more out of anything considered therapy. 

Another thing that happened was that I got a stomach bug. In the beginning of my time there, they were pretty extreme in the training about not calling in sick. And of course, if you do call in sick and you are scheduled to work with a child, then you are harming that child if they have to cancel their therapy for a day (even though there was dozens of staff who changed kids every hour or two).  

I started getting stomach pains in my first full week. Diarrhea and vomiting then followed by  feeling weak and dehydrated. I was able to hide the fact that I was sick for several days. Then the trainer sent me home saying “I looked like I was ready to pass out.”  Then I called saying I had a doctors note and she got on my case saying I had to let them know if I was sick.

And I mean, this is a problem at literally every workplace. People are always going to be mad at you if you call in sick and then mad if you show up sick. But in this case, it was VERY blatant contradicting and she literally said that in both scenarios (whether you came in sick or called out) that it was harmful to the kids. Just dealing with that catch 22 in general is enough of a challenge, but if no one is accusing me of being a detriment to the kids no matter what scenario I chose (going in or staying) then it becomes extremely personal. I can deal with Joe Shmo mad that I either called in sick or didn’t. But when not going in harms the children and going in also harms the children and THAT implication is made, then it’s a whole nother level 

I do not know how to move forward. I am stuck. Before this, I had this long list of achievements and it feels like none of them matter. This is more than something just “not being easy”. It’s an entire arbitrary environment. I do not know how to go forward and don’t think I will.