Reflection

 I decided that I need to talk to a therapist, at least briefly. I have been on an app called Teledoc. You can have actual medical appointments, referrals to specialists, and mental health care including therapy. All of it is 100% covered for me. So it’s great. I went on the therapy section and chose a therapist who has an opening Tuesday April 1 at 2:45 PM. 

I am just scared that now that I’m happy and in a good place in life, that some catastrophic event will occur. Like it’s going to be a devastating diagnosis or a freak accident. I mean I hope not. I know this feeling comes from finally being in a good place after ten years of hellish panic attacks. Hopefully, a therapist can help me work through it and not cancel appointments for routine cancer screenings. Yea, I did freak out and cancel my colonoscopy consult on April 1. I can’t do it until I work through the anxiety. 

Cancer scares the absolute hell out of me. I don’t just lose my cousin Kathy, I’ve lost several friends and family members to cancer. The scariest is pancreatic cancer. One of my mother’s friends and a husband of another of her friends both were diagnosed and died super fast after diagnosis. The same thing happened to Alex trebek, but he lived a lot longer than my parent’s friends. I know people have different preferences, but I’d much rather go in a freak accident if I had to die at all. I’d rather not linger for X amount of months knowing the end is nigh. I mean preferably,  I’d live into my 90’s like my bitchy aunts. But growing old is a privilege denied to many. And I have the basic fear that God is going to punish me for being happy. And not really struggling anymore. 

Hopefully I can work through this and that this therapist is actually as nice as she seems online. God knows I’ve had a few awful ones.