Tree and Holidays

 Here is a two second clip of my cat Mitchell biting the Christmas tree. 

We put up the tree, and my daughter came for an early Thanksgiving. She absolutely loves her room at my house in Waller. 

After she left, though, I got really depressed.  My mom came for actual Thanksgiving, and it was just her and I with Kevin and his parents.  She makes fun of me in front of them, and I’m not allowed to say anything to defend myself.  Eventually, I took my maximum allowed dose of anxiety meds, went back to the guest house where Kevin and I live, and fell asleep.  She ruined the entire holiday spirit, and now the depression is a huge fog.  It might also have something to do with the fact that I had the flu for a month idk.

Day Off, Finally

 I’m tired!  

Today was not only payday but also my first day off in a while. I went to my mom’s house and hit up some garage sales along the way. I also went to two Walmarts. 

Kevin and I had a long talk about how I feel burned out. He said he’s very supportive if I want to get another job, and I know he is- but then I saw my check this morning and it was again very very good. I told Kevin, this is what would happen: 

I would end up caring for another elderly person in their home. I wouldn’t be making as much. Then in X amount of months, the person I take care of will pass away, because that’s what elderly people do. And then, either him and/or our boss will ask me if I can work the next day or something. 

I would just end up back again. So it’s fine. I’m just sick and exhausted. 

My mom asked me what I want for Christmas and I said time off. Before Kevin and I started dating, I got a motel room for four days and just worked on my writing the whole time. I told my mom, if I did that now, Kevin would think I’m leaving him. My mom said, then lock yourself in your daughter’s room when she’s not there. I said, it’s not the same- motel rooms are clean. Mom said then clean your house. She doesn’t get it. An audiobook I have on being a writer lists just checking into a motel somewhere for X amount of time is a valid “writing retreat.”  I could use one. I’d bring my sewing machine too. 

#burnout

Burnout

 I think I have burnout. 

We’ve been so busy at work, and I just have not gotten a chance to get over the flu. I feel like I’ve been sick for a month and only took one sick day. 

I’m really not sure I can look at one more convenient store back cooler interior. I’m glad that Thanksgiving week is coming up and we get “somewhat” of a break. I’m just so tired and worn out that I come home and crash and by the time I close my eyes, it’s time to go again the next day. 

Then I started having severe UTI symptoms. I called the clinic to see if I could come in to get checked out for a UTI. I got in at 3:45. When Kevin and I got home from work, he asked me if I wanted to drive myself to my appointment or did I want him to drive me?  I was exhausted, and he said he didn’t mind either way, so I let him drive me. He came and sat in the waiting room while I went to the exam room. The doctor was a doctor is never seen before. She was asking me a million questions, including questions about my mental health. Then- and this might come across as totally normal or totally weird depending on your experience. She asked if I “felt safe at home”. I asked for clarification and she said, “Are you being abused at home?” 

I have never ever been asked that by a doctor ever in my 46 years of life. So right away I said no, I’m not being abused, but the way she asked was so off putting. She kind of had not only an attitude while asking, but when she repeated herself, she kind of gave me duck lips. If someone was being abused, then how would they feel comfortable confiding in someone with a bad attitude and duck lips?  I asked her why she asked. She responded that everyone gets asked that all the time. I told her that I never do, but then started wondering in my head if she had seen Kevin out in the waiting room and just assumed he was abusive because he drove me?  I didn’t say it out loud of course, I kind of got the hint that I shouldn’t ask any questions because she was already assuming things. 

Later on, I described this situation in an anonymous thread online and got over 400 comments overnight saying that everyone always gets asked by doctors if they feel safe at home. Apparently it’s also a way to find human trafficking victims. I deleted the thread. I obviously got my answer, but with each one, I felt like well obviously no one has ever given a damn about me being abused or trafficked or not my entire life until now. I also think that if God forbid I was being trafficked, then I would have never felt comfortable confiding in that doctor about it. I decided that from now on I just shouldn’t let Kevin drive me anywhere. Except for the fact that we always carpool to work- it wouldn’t make sense if we live and work together and took different cars every day. 

I don’t know anymore I’m just exhausted and overworked. I’m tired and I just want to frickin go home and start my holiday week. 

More Sickness

 I stayed home Tuesday, but yesterday (Wednesday), it would NOT have been good for me to stay home. We had to go to a large account with only four people. If I had stayed home sick, it would have been only three of them. The account was two hours away. It was closer to San Antonio, and I’m not sure why that crew didn’t do it!  But anyway, I worked 11 hours. On the way home, I had two spells where I didn’t think I could breathe. Then when the boss dropped me and kevin off at his car, I almost puked in his car on the way home. We are off today, but I’m going to get a Covid test at 8:00 am. 

My daughter went through some anxiety spells over the extreme fear mongering that many are doing as a result of Trump winning the election. She was worried that she would not ever be able to work, drive, go to college, among other things because she’s female. Now, I am not a Trump fan by any means, but the extreme fear tactics need to stop. Four years ago, he was just as much of a sore loser if not more. In fact, it seems like every four years this happens. The losing side always acts like democracy is over and we are all going to die. 32 years ago when I was a freshman at a private Christian school, we were all panicking because they were saying Bill Clinton was going to assassinate all of the Christians if he was elected. That didn’t happen. Now it’s just something else every four years. I think I did a good job of calming her down. She seemed in bright spirits this morning when I talked to her on the way to school. 

On a good note, the store we did inventory at yesterday near San Antonio played 90’s country songs the entire time we were there, and I heard some that I forgot about!  Remember the song No one else on earth by Wynnona Judd?  I loved that one. Also, Wild one by Faith Hill. “She’s a wild one with an angel’s face, she’s a woman child in the state of grace”. I remember dancing to that one at my prom!  I don’t remember who I was dancing with, though!  

Flu 🤧 🤒 🤒

I was putting off getting a flu shot. I’m not sure why. Every year, when I am at the pharmacy in September, I say “oh, by the way, can I get a flu shot?” 

Not sure what it was this time. I didn’t want to wait, plus didn’t feel like getting poked I guess. 

Well, now it’s caught up to me, and I’m sick as a dog. 

Kevin went to work, and I stayed home. I worked yesterday, and it was awful. I hoped I could sleep it off, but I woke up this morning just full on sick. I’m staying in bed. 

For funsies, here are some blocks I made for my next rainbow denim chenille quilt. This one will go into an Etsy shop. There are four squares of orange denim on the back of each. I guess I also should have photographed the back. All of the orange denim on the back was from 25 cent day at Family Thrift Outlet. The orange printed fabric on the front was from a very large flowing skirt, also obtained on 25 cent day. The orange solid is from the fabric department at Walmart. I ironed them after the photos were taken. 

 

Buckaroo

 The roommate of my in-laws has this cat named Buck. The cat who’s Eartip they overdid!  Well to make a long story short,

Buck is now our kitty. 

Their roommate, Buck’s previous human has a new girlfriend that has moved in and brought with her two dogs.  Buck was stressed out enough with my inlaws’ dog, who is huge. The two new ones basically just made him pack his bags and leave.

I told my mil about leaving cat litter out so he comes home- and kevin talked to his stepdad and the roommate about this.  They are moving out of my in-laws’ house soon and into their own house.  They weren’t going to bring Buck, even if it wasn’t for the two dogs.  

Our good boi number three is settling right into his new surroundings.  He is familiar with Mitchell and Alex though- we call them his frenemies. there was only one big hiss per cat, now they’re all brothers.

Our Latest News 👩🏻‍🎓

 

My brilliant 17 year old daughter was recently accepted to Texas State University in San Marcos for the fall of 2025. Yes she’s still going to come back and live with me, but she gets to live in a dorm and stay with me when school is out. She decided to major in wildlife. She’s been passionate about helping animals her whole life. She also doesn’t think she can be a veterinarian, so this is a great major for her. She was actually shocked that she got accepted. I was shocked that she was shocked. Her reaction made me wonder if her high school is over exaggerating how hard it is to get into a university. (It’s not).  Who else is looking forward to 2025? 

Inventory Overload

 Kevin and I got home last night from our every three months business trip to southwest Louisiana and Beaumont, Texas. Usually I do a “Cajun pantry haul” from the store we do inventory at- they have a GREAT selection and a lot of Cajun items- but the final store we did was this discount version, really dirty, didn’t have near the selection of the main stores, and I was starting to feel lightheaded.  

We got home, and a package was there. It was a Cat toy I ordered for the boys from the TikTok store. Yes that’s a wall attached thing with four different rolling balls of catnip. Here is my own video of the boys playing with it. Yea, Mitchell loves to boop Alex right in the butthole. Alex used to hiss at him when he did that, but he’s used to it now. 

I’m super tired and sore. I slept like a log in the motel, but have been watching what I eat a lot. I am keeping track of my calories on an app called LoseIt!  Each day of the trip, I had a calorie deficit of about 600-1,000. On this app, you can add your own exercise. I added inventory, because my job is so physical. I’m up and down ladders constantly, always bending over and stooping down and getting up, every 4-12 feet of each aisle I do. Kevin and I agreed it might burn 20-50 calories per hour over and above your “maintenance” calories. We might be way off, tho.  Some of the people on the San Antonio crew of our company think we burn way more, but they sounded like they were exaggerating. I have two entries for inventory as an exercise on the lose it app. One burning 20 per hour and one burning 50. I used the 20 calorie entry for half the trip and the 50 calorie entry for the other half. The store we work at sells these nice spinach Dijon salads with hard boiled eggs and almonds, and the whole salad has only 220 calories. I ate one of those salads for either lunch or dinner probably four times. We also got a few frozen meals from the brand “Smart Ones” for the motel room. My favorite Smart Ones meal is the angel hair marinara. Their fettuccini Alfredo isn’t great. 

So in that area I’m killing it. Also I’m also killing it with money and bills- this paycheck was nearly obligation free. I only had to pay my phone bill and decrease my student loan balance. My next check I have to make a car payment, but of course that check will be enormous. 

My anxiety levels are also down, even though I haven’t been taking much of the medication that I take for anxiety. This also has to do with being busy, although other factors also help, like my cats, my man, the fact that my daughter is almost 18, and the fact that there’s good money coming in. Hopefully after work today, I can do gym, laundry, Walmart!

Not when I have to wake up in four hours

 Yes I’m insanely busy at work, and I have to be up in four hours. But I can’t sleep, and I’m obsessed with a rabbit hole I’ve discovered on instagram. It’s a Russian dance called Beryozka, or Berezka. The dancers look like they’re floating but they aren’t. In fact, they look like they’re just standing on roombas. It’s actually really beautiful, and I can imagine it’s easy once you “get it”. Addicting videos are Here, Here, Here, and Here. And of course there’s more if you follow the rabbit hole of suggestions. I know I saw a performance of this at some point when I was a kid, but don’t remember details. 

Call From Daughter

My daughter texted me yesterday saying she wanted to call me after school and talk. Usually, I haaaaate when people do this. The suspense kills me about what they want to talk about. So I made her tell me the rundown and the basics over text. She said she wants to stay at my house for all of Thanksgiving and Christmas break. 

My daughter chose to live with her dad in 2019 when she was 12, because I was living with my parents and she was not accustomed to their utter lack of conflict resolution skills (their constant yelling and screaming). A few weeks back, I explained to her that my spare bedroom living with Kevin can be her room after she’s 18 if she chooses. Any changes to the custody order would require me to file suit, and since she’s already almost of age and her stepmother is a millionaire, I decided to just wait things out rather than try to fight a millionaire in court. 

It turns out she already wants to sleep in that room on her school breaks.  I live 60 miles away from her high school, so moving in with me full time wouldn’t make sense at this point even if her stepmother allowed it. 

I said as much as I felt like I might be allowed to say. I definitely told her she needed to ask her dad and stepmom. She then sent me a screenshot of her asking her dad and her dad saying “you are definitely old enough to be able to make that decision” or something like that. 

Which is great!  Because not only is he supposed to get all of Thanksgiving break this year, but I was afraid they would still have a problem with it after she was 18. I was afraid they would withdraw financial support during college if she wanted to come and stay with me and they still held grudges against me. A lesser fear would be them seeking a harsher mental health diagnosis so they could pull some Britney Spears crap with a conservatorship. That’s extreme, and as of August, her therapist told me that she still has the same common/mild diagnosis. 

My daughter sounded distressed in the call yesterday afternoon. I felt like there was more going on than what she was telling me. It’s possible that she got into a fight with either one of them and just doesn’t want to tell me. 

I did explain that the flooring isn’t done in that room yet and it still is a bit of a storage room. She emphatically said, “I don’t care!”  Ok so I went online and ordered a boxspring and mattress topper from Amazon. There’s already a mattress in the room. The room needs an AC unit too, but tomorrow, I’m getting an obligation free paycheck. 

Some people debate “throwing your kids out when they turn 18” and I’m just like, what are you talking about?  I’m getting mine back when she turns 18. 

For emphasis, here are “senior pictures” that I took myself at our favorite park. Plus an oldie of her at the Greek festival in 2009. My daughter is graduating from high school this May, and she will turn 18 on June 11, 2025. That’s about 7 and a half months away. 

I had a blog when I was pregnant with her. Back then, blogspot had “pregnancy tickers” that you could put on your blog that counted down to your due date. At this point, it almost feels like another pregnancy countdown. There are just a thousand times more “knowns” in this situation than in a pregnancy where there are so many “unknowns”. 

Speaking of that- I did take a pregnancy test earlier this week, because I have been craving carrot cake. No one ever craves carrot cake!  Luckily, it was negative. Could you imagine having a baby at my age?  That would be literally insane. Also thank goodness the carrot cake craving disappeared. 

 

Busy Spurts

For funsies, here are two pictures Kevin took of my ladder obsessed cat. Kevin didn’t know that my cat Alex is so obsessed with ladders until he brought one in the house. 

The inventory service me and Kevin work for is about to get insanely busy, starting yesterday. However, yesterday was only a four hour day- but I had to do my routine mammogram in the afternoon. I’d rather have a full day at work than that. Today we are going to a small town outside of Victoria, and then we are going to Louisiana. After that, we are doing a bunch of Mexican stores locally. I’m going to be working long days until at least Halloween. 

This job goes in busy and slow spurts. I like it that way!  I think a lot of older people will say I’m not supposed to like it that way- I’m supposed to want something more steady, 9-5 with no traveling. But, well, that’s just not the case. If I need money during the slow spurts, I can do the apps. 

I did this job some 22-24 ago, when I was in my early 20’s. I’m 46 now, so maybe I was 21-23when I did this?  I lived in an apartment that cost only $400 a month and I remember paying 2-3 months of rent at once with the busy spurt checks. I liked the slow times/ times off. Some of my coworkers at the time collected unemployment for the slow spurts, but my parents told me I wouldn’t be able to qualify for it. Now that I look back on it, I would have qualified just as much as my coworkers, but I didn’t know any different than to believe whatever the older people in my life at the time were telling me. 

I also remember that there was an older lady working at the inventory service with me. She was probably in her mid 40’s to early 50’s at the time. She was very bothered by the fact that I was happy in that job and wasn’t in school. She lectured me all the time. She constantly told me that I HAD to go back to school and that I couldn’t do the inventory service “for the rest of my life.”  She would stand there, hands on hips, and demand to know how I was paying my bills. I used to be intimidated by her, and I would stand there and explain my finances to her. She knew how much I paid in rent, she knew I didn’t owe anything on my car at the time, and she knew about any other expenses I had. It was none of her business, but at the time I didn’t know it was none of her business. To me, I just had to do what the older generation said. If she was in front of me nowadays, I’d probably tell her to go stick it where the sun doesn’t shine. One time, a store we did inventory at had very cheap tubes of toothpaste, limit 3. I bought 3 tubes, and she even had something to say about that. She said something to the effect of, how I think that getting good deals makes up for not having a regular job and having dropped out of college. (She had the exact same job) 

It’s so funny how things turned out- how not only did I end up back doing this and still happy with it in middle age, but that I found love because of coming back to it. She’d be screeching if she saw me now. 

Kevin and I tend to disagree about busy spurts vs slow spurts. He makes a salary, and I get paid hourly. So not only does he get scheduled for smaller jobs that I don’t, but he prefers the slower spurts because he is getting paid the same either way. Being hourly, I prefer busy spurts due to the potential for overtime. He never gets overtime pay, but is worked more. I don’t get paid when slow, but I have side hustles. I’m also not expected to drive long distances for this, but I’m on the clock while riding in the car. 

Yesterday I was kind of dreading the upcoming busy spurt. Halloween and All Saints’ Day never seemed so far away on 10/20. But now that we are about to leave for Victoria in about three hours, I’m ready to bring it on. When I am busy doing this job for hours upon hours, I tend to just think a lot. It’s tedious, but I tend to be able to split my mind in half, with a separate half thinking about other things while doing scan, quantity, scan, quantity. It’s also very physical with so much up and down stepladders and kneeling down, etc. All of that is a core workout. If I stopped doing this job, I think I would gain 5-10 pounds from just the fact that I wouldn’t be doing all that up and down anymore. 

By the time we are slow again in the first week of November, I will probably have a Cajun haul from the stores in Louisiana and a Mexican store haul. So I’ll be in a cooking/experimenting in kitchen mood. 

 

My Formula for Success

I found quite a few young people online who seem lost in life and don’t know what to do. A lot of them are either on  Threads, or on subreddits like r/findapath or r/studentloans.  

My advice is always the same, and it remains the same for anyone male or female of any age. 

1. Pick a job that’s in high demand. 

2. Do that as your main job and follow your interests and passions on your off time. 

That’s it! This can look like a million different things, depending on what the in demand field is and what your interests and passions are. Working with kids and elderly are always in high demand, but if that’s not your cup of tea, people on those subreddits have more ideas of what fields really need people. I got into working with elderly in their homes because I was burned out working with kids, and the caregiver for my aunt and uncle gave me the idea. I got into inventory service years and years ago when I was working in a store and an inventory service came to do our inventory. I was envious that they didn’t have to deal with customers! 

There are several fields that really need people.  List the ones you know of, and pick one that suits you. 

Then when you have off time, follow your interests, no matter what they are. I don’t care if it’s basket weaving, drum lessons at a music store, collecting a specific thing, learning a language, gardening, tinkering, a class that teaches you the basics of your passion, a YouTube education on your passion, even if you don’t think you’re good at your passion, just do whatever you can and know how to do that has to do with that thing you’re so interested in. 

For me, this was crafting and sewing, real estate class (My real estate class taught me about house flipping. Kevin was “trapped” owning a house with a bad foundation but didn’t think anyone would buy it. I called an investor who snatched it up, thus Kevin always says I saved him from his old house.  He didn’t think investors like that were out there.), some writing, cooking and experimenting in the kitchen, learning about prehistoric man, and studying some religion. For Kevin, this was studying the Japanese language, playing doom, watching people getting arrested on YouTube and helping his stepfather maintain this ten acre property. For my daughter, it looked like many different things over the years. She used to be very musical-  I signed her up for classes in several different instruments (one at a time) at a music store downtown, but when the pandemic happened, she lost interest. For her it has also looked like art (drawing), making her own YouTube videos about games she plays, wildlife biology and conservation, and animal rescue organizations. For my mom, it has looked like going to church and Bible study, watching talk shows that do paternity tests, and playing bejeweled blitz. 

I firmly believe that when you follow whatever your passions lie, even if it seems frivolous or foolish, it leads to something meaningful. I’m not sure what watching paternity test talk shows is good for, but it entertains her, and that’s important!  My partner Kevin’s Japanese lessons have led to some fun excursions I wouldn’t have gone on otherwise, such as to Japanese stores like Nipon Daido and Daiso which is a Japanese dollar store. 

For fun, here are some pics- two scrap wreaths I made, Kevin’s old house with the bad foundation, and him laying with Mitchell in the old house. 

 

More on Travels

Today I was talking to the boss’s wife (who is also my coworker) about my travels around doing retail data collection.  It’s because I told her about one of the apps), and she’s been doing it now herself and loves it. Even her husband, our boss, did a couple of the jobs on there. 

I told her about the time I went to Arkansas in July of 2020. I saw that the Coca-Cola jobs were paying amazing, but I was afraid to go. I did jobs all the way to Texarkana, stayed in Texarkana for about half a day, did everything there, then said ok- I’m going to Arkansas. I’m not sure why I was scared. Maybe because of the pandemic, I’m not sure. 

I spend nine days in Arkansas, doing these high paying jobs starting in the southwest corner of the state and moving all the way through up to the northeast corner of the state.  The jobs were very high paying, and I made a killing. I slept in my car at truck stops mostly, but did check into motels three separate times. 

People in these very small Arkansas towns often gave me the side eye as if they could tell I wasn’t from around there. A lot of the towns seemed to only have residents who were very fair skinned and blonde. I’m of Greek ancestry and have dark complexion and dark brown hair, so I wondered if they were giving me weird looks for racial reasons. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt, though, so hopefully I was wrong. I do remember going to a convenience store and asking the clerk if he sold socks. Not sure how I ended up without socks, but it was driving me nuts. This store owner was of Indian ancestry and had a thick accent. I wondered how on earth he ended up in that particular town, especially since these people seemed to look at outsiders funny. Usually when anyone immigrates to a new country, they go to larger metropolitan areas. He said he didn’t carry socks but that now since I asked for them, he’d get them for the store.  He told me “next time” when I came back, there would be socks for sale. I really tried to tell him no, seriously that’s ok- I’m not coming back. I think of him often. If he did get socks to sell in the store because of me, I sure hope he sold them. 

I also remember rural Arkansas having a TON of mosquitoes- I called it mosquito Armageddon. 

In the 9th day, I ended my excursion right over the state line at a Walmart in southern Missouri. I called my mother. She sounded annoyed as she said, “Where are you?!?!”  

I said, “Missouri…”

She responded, “Missouri City?” 

I cringed. Missouri City is a suburb of Houston. I paused and said, “No… No. I’m- in the state. Of Missouri.” 

One thing my mom always got on my case for was getting carried away with these audit jobs and doing the next one and the next one and the next one until I was super far away and faced with a long drive home. She would tell me, “Just do the furthest one away and work your way back home.”  I would try to do that, but then they’d give me offers I couldn’t refuse for the opposite direction. And I have ADHD. 

I spent the next day driving back into Houston so I could spend the weekend with my daughter. My boss’s wife enjoyed hearing my Arkansas story. 

There was a second time I went through Arkansas. It was when I needed to renew my drivers license and the state of Texas decided they needed my birth certificate. That was aggravating. I was like, I exist. I promise. My mother didn’t know where it was, and neither did I. I was born in Chicago, so I tried to apply for a replacement with the state of Illinois vital statistics. They said it would take 12 weeks to send me one. I asked what if I applied in person?  They said it would take 7 days if I applied in person. So I literally drove to a vital statistics office in southern Illinois and did the jobs all the way there and back. I didn’t make as much of a killing as I did in the summer of 2020, but at least I got my birth certificate in time and made a nice profit. 

Here are some more pictures I found from all my wanderings. The sunflowers are in a field in west Texas. 

This is a very nice motel I stayed in. I remember that bed being super comfortable. 

This was a hot air balloon show in Albuquerque. I think I can look back on that couple years time period with fondness. 

 

Retail Audits in 9 States

In my last post, I briefly mentioned that I did retail audits in nine states and showed off the magnets from each state and each city and metro area in my home state of Texas that I did them in. I can divide my working years into three main areas. Working with kids and being a child advocate, caring for elderly and disabled adults in their homes, and auditing retail stores. The job I’m working with my partner Kevin falls under the third one. It’s inventory. But during the pandemic, I did data collection on six different apps. 

I started doing the apps in 2018. I was working as a caregiver and needed extra money. I heard of two of the apps in a subreddit called r/beermoney. Those two apps led me to learning about the other four. Of the six apps that I’m on, two never have anything, two always have a lot, and two are in between. 

I went to college and got a bachelor’s degree a few years before this. It was expected of me.  However, that choice actually ruined my finances. It’s something I’ll talk about in another post. Maybe. So many people are so pro-college that they can’t comprehend that for some people, it actually makes life exponentially worse. I moved back home with my parents to help clean up the financial mess. Moving in with them made my daughter ask me to go live with her father. When it was just me and her in our own apartment, we lived pretty peacefully. My parents tend to yell and scream and get extremely angry at me for little minor things. The smallest thing could go wrong and they’d be YELLING. My daughter couldn’t handle that. I, however, was used to it having grown up with it, so I almost missed the fact that she was struggling so much until she asked me to go live with her father. 

Shortly after that, my dad passed away, and about six weeks after the death of my dad, the pandemic happened. My father died from shingles in the eyes that became meningitis. I came home from work at about 2:30 pm on Friday January 17, 2020, and he was unresponsive. I called 911, and the operator guided me through chest compressions. I did them until the ambulance arrived. They took over and did cpr for about 15 additional minutes before taking him in the ambulance. My dad was in the icu for three days and passed away on January 20, 2020. One of my aunts blamed me for his death saying I didn’t do cpr correctly and that’s why he died. She didn’t understand that my father literally got a pulse back for three whole days- getting a pulse back is literally the point of cpr. There was no explaining this to her, though and soon many people in my extended family started blaming me. My mom did absolutely nothing to stick up for me. If I complained about her accusations, my mom would just say “well, she’s old”. 

It was a combination of the disabling panic attacks my college degree caused, combined with these unfair accusations and the fact that I missed my daughter terribly that made me take off. I just packed whatever I needed into my car and left. I was so hurt about everything. I felt like I had done all the things people expected of me, and when those things proved to be bad advice that ruined me, everyone just laughed in my face. And my mom isn’t a very understanding person. She isn’t one you can actually talk to about how you feel, even if that thing involves grief. She will just start screaming at me. It’s pointless. I actually don’t remember what happened with my caregiving job at the time. I know I was still working there when my dad died, because I remember the boss telling me I could have a few days off. At some point between the death of my dad and the beginning of the pandemic, I stopped working there. When the pandemic happened, the pay for these jobs skyrocketed because no one wanted to do them. It was the ideal time to just take off and depend on them. So I did. 

I joined a subreddit for “car camping” (fancy term for sleeping in your car). It was very freeing. I am only 5’3”, so laying down across my backseat was easy. I kept all sundries in my console, snacks in a box in the back behind the passenger seat, dirty laundry in a bag on the floor behind the drivers seat, and miscellaneous in the trunk. I also kept a portable charger for the rare instance that my car didn’t charge my phone enough during the day. I used truck stops to shower and do laundry. I spent all day just driving around doing the audits. When I got tired, I found either a Walmart or a Flying J to sleep in my car. If I wanted a day off, I just checked into a motel wherever I was and relaxed. I got to see my daughter every other weekend, and went anywhere I wanted, just as long as I was back in the Houston area for my scheduled visits with her. When it was my weekend visit time with my daughter, I either got a motel with my daughter for the weekend or made sure we had something fun to do, so we wouldn’t have to spend the time with my mom. 

Since the pandemic was happening, I double masked and was very careful about keeping my hands clean. I had an array of masks hanging from my mirror. I never got COVID. 

Another thing about that time in my life was that I was on again/off again with a man who lives in Phoenix, Arizona. He was my second best friend in high school. We kept getting together starting after his divorce (which happened after mine) and then “breaking up” because of the distance. He was a single dad with two kids who were 3 And 4 years younger than my daughter. 

We were not “a real couple” because of the distance but still referred to each other as boyfriend and girlfriend. I was very much in love with him and his children. I wanted so much for us to be together-together as a real family of five. I thought it would happen someday. The dynamic between us was so complicated. Obviously, I ended things with him in order to be with Kevin. We still keep in touch, because of the kids. I want him updating me on the kids. I adored them so much. Their mom wasn’t in their life at all, but I was. In a way, I think maybe they were like my “replacement children” because I was so hurt over my daughter going to live with her dad because of my parents. If it’s a crime to love too much, then I’m guilty 🤷🏻‍♀️. That was a time in my life that my heart was on my sleeve. 

One of the apps had a big job that happened quarterly. Coca Cola was the client for this. This was the biggest money maker. There were contests for whomever did the most locations. I won first place in two of the contests and second or third place in a few more. Then they lost that contract. All the jobs started paying less and less and being shuffled around as the pandemic ended and more people were willing to go do them. That’s when I got back into a “real job.”  And met Kevin. And the rest is history. History I’ll get into later. 

This post is about the time when I just wandered and did these jobs. I suffered from very severe panic attacks starting after I got my degree, and all this wandering and traveling was the beginning of my healing journey. 

I remember just how calming it was to drive past cattle grazing in the fields, or windmills, or a beautiful sunrise. These things reminded me that I was still alive, and I still had a purpose. The changing landscape from green thicket to red desert as you travel from Houston to Phoenix is breathtaking, and since I was stopping so often to do the jobs all the way there and back, I got an even more detailed version. This is a beautiful country, and I got to see so much of it- not just “the sites” that you see when you travel, but the backroads and the small communities. I met people, I had different foods, and I found myself. I also made a lot of money- enough to almost cut my student loans in half and get my own place again. I stayed in my own apartment for just over a year before I met Kevin. 

Here are some of my favorite pictures from the nine states. I may post more if I come across them.  

A weird tree in Arizona. 

A beautiful rest area in southeast Arizona along I-10. 

A homeless dog I found at a convenience store in rural Texas. I always kept beggin strips in my car for situations like this. H wouldn’t take them from my hands, but I tossed them for him. 

Rainbow at a truck stop 

Wind turbines in west Texas. 

Louisiana swampland 

Bluebonnets drying from my mirror. This was after mask mandates were lifted!!

Ya’at’eeh, welcome to Walmart on the Navajo reservation. 

Beautiful mountains

More beautiful mountains 

I know I’m not completely healed, I still have mild anxiety now and then, but I’m grateful to God that I was given a time in my life that I could wander around like this. I was truly suicidal when i finished my degree and discovered it was worthless. It’s so hard to put into words the conflict I felt. I’m still angry, but today I have many things to be grateful for and redirect my anger. 

 

Flooring installation, Greek Festival

Weirdly, the day after Kevin decided to give up on wood laminate floor installation, his parents’ old helper (who owes them) called and said he was coming yesterday to do the floors. Kevin and I had to work, and he was disappointed that he couldn’t help but we did move everything out of the room that is going to be my daughter’s room. I then thoroughly swept that room, and here’s what it looked like after clearing it out and sweeping four piles: 

The guy and his helper worked until we were almost home from work. We had just missed them. We assumed they would do my daughter’s room first, but they actually only did our bedroom and left- even though we cleared out my daughter’s new room for them. Grr. But that’s ok. Here’s our bedroom, with the job finished:

The whole time, my cat Alex hid from the strangers. He always hides when people come over. My mother in law was worried sick about my cat. She thought he’d run out and she lost him. I had to send her a text assuring her that he was a master at hiding when strangers were over, and that he was definitely fine. Less than a minute after Kevin and I got home, he walked out of hiding like this, as if nothing had happened. 

Then Kevin and I took my daughter to the Greek festival at my mother’s church in Galveston, Texas. My mom is Greek Orthodox, and it was her home parish that hosted this festival. She worked at a booth that sold raffle tickets. There were vendors there. I bought this little pumpkin that says καλημέρα, or Kalimera- which is Greek for good morning. Or good day. It’s similar to Buenos Dias. 

My mom sends me a “Kalimera” text message each morning when she wakes up. It was only $4. 

I also got this magnet from Athens that features the goddess Athena. I’ve been to Athens twice- when I was 9, and when I was 17.  

I put it with the rest of my fridge magnets. The only other magnet on this fridge that isn’t mine is Kevin’s Rome magnet. As I’ve mentioned, I used to do my side jobs (retail audits) all over Texas and eight other states.  The other cities and states I went to during that time period mostly all have magnets on my fridge representing them. The other states I did these jobs in were Arizona, New Mexico, Oklahoma, Louisiana, Mississippi, Arkansas, Missouri, Illinois. I did not get a Mississippi magnet, because honestly, that place scared me a little. I went to a few small towns near the Louisiana border, and then I just gave up and turned around back into Louisiana. 

Here are some screenshots of the Greek dancers. Kevin loved them. He was impressed when I told him I also used to be in a Greek dance group at festivals when I was a teen. Here’s a compilation link.  It’s not the original music they were dancing to. I just have a hard time with videos on blogger. 

 

Floor Installation- It’s a No-Go

Kevin decided today that he doesn’t have what it takes to install hardwood laminate flooring. We are going to either hire someone or wait on the guy that owes his stepfather. I personally didn’t see what the problem was, but he claimed that whenever he hammered one, another one popped out from another end. I did see it somewhat, but I don’t really understand how bad it would be over all if he kept going?  I was actually hoping he would quit this sooner than he did. I can tell that Kevin really wants it done asap- he wants this looking like “a real house”. As for me, as long as it’s done in 8 months when my daughter turns 18 so she can have her own room here. Two things I suggested to Kevin were 1. Asking the guy that owes his stepfather if he knows someone we can hire that’s not as busy as he is. And/or 2.  Just offer that guy money without his stepfather knowing about it. That would entice him, right?  

The job Kevin and I both work- the inventory service- goes in busy and dead spurts. We just finished a five day dead spurt, which is why we had time to do all this. Tomorrow and Friday, it’s back to work, and I’m kind of glad. Kevin’s car battery also needed replacing, and we ended up going to a shop his stepfather doesn’t really like. So Kevin was in a grumpy mood overall. I’m just glad we got his car back, the flooring is put back in the spare room/my daughter’s room, and it’s back to work tomorrow. I had to be here for Kevin, I couldn’t really go do side jobs in the apps. (I did some, though!) 

I also got a little spacey and light headed. I think I had a low blood sugar episode. I was told maybe a year ago that I was pre diabetic. They told me to change my diet, but I really didn’t. Then a few months later, they gave me metformin to prevent diabetes. And THEN I changed my diet and started going for long walks. I’ve lost 17 pounds, then had the plateau from hell. I feel a lot better with the healthy choices, but the scale isn’t moving after that initial 17. I think starting the drug and changing my diet and lifestyle at the same time causes some periodic low blood sugar episodes. When it happens, I kind of feel like I’m on another planet. I ate grapes and drank Dr Pepper and felt a ton better. I just hope the rest of this week is better. 

 

Floor installs

My partner Kevin and I moved into the guesthouse on his parents’ property on February 26th of this year, 2024. It has two bedrooms and a large living area in between the two bedrooms, with a small kitchen and bathroom. When we moved in, the floor was unfinished and all of this wood laminate flooring was in one of the rooms. Kevin’s parents used to have a man that worked for them (this man also used to live in this guesthouse) and he “owes them”. So part of paying them back would be to come and install this flooring. A few months ago, he installed the flooring in only the living room but left the two bedrooms unfinished. 

A couple weeks ago, my 17 year old daughter told me that she wants to live with me again once she turns 18. She will be 18 in June of 2025, 8 months away from now. My daughter went to live with her father shortly after I moved back in with my parents in 2019. I moved back home due to the financial devastation that finishing my degree caused (I have huge college regret).  My daughter was not used to the way my parents handled the most minor conflicts imaginable- by yelling, screaming and cursing. She wanted to go and live with her dad, and I didn’t object. Living with my parents is like living in a war zone. My daughter not only misses the pre-college degree, pre-panic attacks me, but she is also ecstatic that I found love and is over the moon seeing me happy. She blurted out a couple weeks ago that she really likes

Kevin, and that she likes me with him. I didn’t even have to ask!  And with her turning 18 in June, she is free to do as she wishes and she wants to come and live here when she is not staying in her dorm in college. 

For that reason, Kevin and I really want to finish the flooring in our house. The man that used to work for his parents hasn’t been able to come. So we tried to hire a man we found on the Nextdoor app. But he never showed up!  That was disappointing. I actually think he was under the influence the day he was supposed to come over. We then got kind of busy with the inventory service, and by the time the busy spurt was done, Kevin decided he wanted to try the flooring himself. 

Below is the room that is going to be my daughter’s room, with the stack of wood laminate tile:

Here’s the other bedroom, me and Kevin’s room, before we started laying the tile: 

 

Our cat Mitchell chilling on some foam left on the table:

Kevin installing the floor tiles while I assisted:

Working on our bedroom first gives us the opportunity to clear out as much tile as it takes from the other bedroom before we start on the other bedroom floor. From here on out, every other paycheck of mine is going to go to something the room needs in order to make it suitable to live in- first of all being an AC unit. My daughter’s birthday is June 11th, and if she doesn’t leave for college for at least a couple months, then those are the most miserable months. I’m also buying us a replacement AC unit for our bedroom. Towards the end of the summer, it seemed to be struggling. 

I also want to look for antique furniture for her, and her own little mini fridge which will be stocked with her favorite drinks and snacks on her birthday.  Not to mention a nice room rug. 

It’s going to be a process, but I’m looking forward. I can’t wait to “get my baby back”. Someday I’ll blog more about how the decision to go back to school and get my degree actually caused me to lose everything instead of giving me “a better life” like everyone said it would. I’ve been fixing my life on my terms my own way, though.  I don’t take advice very easily anymore. I’m very conscious about what will work for me and what won’t.