I Miss My Husband

 It sucks having him gone. I almost don’t know what to do with myself. Why is that?  I lived alone for years. 

Yesterday my anxiety was a lot better. Today, it’s back. I’m trying not to take any gabapentin at all, unless I have actual withdrawal symptoms (like twitching). I have a bottle of Snapple in the fridge with 200 mg that I’m trying to avoid unless it gets really bad. When it’s done, I might try to look for a sugar free option to dissolve those capsules in. 

I don’t blame myself for getting into this situation. I did what I was supposed to do when my mental health was bad. I believe this was done to me. I can’t believe some of the attitude I’ve gotten just for wanting the medication that has worked great for me for four years. It’s as if I’m this awful person just for bringing it up. The professionals get really triggered if I mention that I take it- I wonder how they’ll react if I ever have to mention that I “used to take it”. 

I thought back to a therapist that either said I have “Complex PTSD” from all the work with children and elderly that I’ve done, or he said that I “might” have it. Then another therapist told me I didn’t deserve that label or whatever, mostly because my parents were together.  When I said it out loud that one professional said one thing about me and another one said another thing, I was absolutely beseeched (like it was a damn emergency) to go see someone else who will say I do have it. I don’t remember exactly how that went down, but how annoying. If different people will tell you different things about yourself, then what’s the point of going to see more and more people?  If you keep going to different people until you hear what you want to hear, then what’s the point?  Doesn’t that prove you’re full of it?  

Whether I “do” or “don’t” “have” “Complex PTSD”, my story is my story and I can’t change the past and the things I’ve been through. I wouldn’t want to either. Our experiences shape us. Sometimes I’ve taken breaks from writing my book, “because of mental health” but I wonder how much of that is real. How much do I really need to take the long mental health breaks from writing my book?  And how much am I just buying into the hype surrounding mental health conditions?  If the therapist who said I have complex PTSD was right, then the breaks are good. If the one who said I don’t because my parents never got divorced was right, then I need to get back to work on it. 

Since it can’t actually be proven either way, I’ll just pay more attention to how I personally feel about writing at any given time. 

On another note, I made homemade bread today. I also boiled up the rest of my cinnamon green tea bags and sweetened it with monk fruit. I then poured it through a funnel into empty water bottles and put them in the freezer.