One of the ladies that lives in the group home I work at made me this bracelet.
Kevin texted me this morning saying that both the Houston and Austin crews are going to Corpus Christi next week. He was lamenting about how he shouldn’t have to go on the corpus trip because he moved to Austin, only to find out Austin is going too. Then he texted the owner of the company and asked if he could move here permanently after corpus. She responded yes and that she was “looking forward to having him in central Texas”. See, I knew it.
Today I stayed late at work until about 10:00 am. Then i came home and crashed for a few hours. I washed all of my bedding when I woke up and flipped the mattress. I swept and mopped the bedroom and went out for new cat litter. I had scooped the litter boxes and added the rest of all the litter I had. New homes are always easier to clean!
So I had a consultation with a therapist who is willing to see me, the problem is that I don’t trust her at all. I realize that I do not know her that well and that I’m basing my opinion of what will happen on past experiences. But therapy itself just seems so flawed to me all of a sudden. I really just don’t want to go at all, the problem is that in our society you aren’t really “allowed” to not want therapy. If you had several bad experiences, then too bad. There is insane pressure to go to therapy in this society, and if you don’t go you’re a pariah. Therefore I literally do not have a choice.
I explained to her that one therapist diagnosed me with PTSD based on symptoms and the next one took the diagnosis away based on my childhood being too privileged (married parents with enough money etc). Then there was the other one who didn’t believe my story and kept condescendingly if I was sure X happened and not YZ. This therapist validated me that I “should be believed”, but that doesn’t mean she’s not going to retract that validation down the line in three or four or ten sessions. These consultations are so problematic, because even if the therapist does agree to take you on, she might just need money really badly and is telling you what you want to hear to get you in and then will change her tone later. The therapist that took away my cptsd diagnosis completely switched personalities in the middle of the third session. She went from very understanding and great to basically telling me to get over it- something other women wouldn’t be able to handle.
I’m just extremely, extremely uncomfortable about opening up to anyone at all. I really don’t even want to tell this lady my symptoms. What would be the point? There is still the possibility that she won’t believe me about anything. I really don’t know what to do anymore except tell these people “I don’t know.” Because I can think up something to tell them, and then that might be the thing that turns them toxic. The fact that so many had a problem with me meeting my husband on the job when he was my supervisor makes me scared to death that they’ll make me leave him without even knowing him. It’s all just very scary and pointless.
Another thing that doesn’t sit right with me is when people say, “Find a therapist who will believe you!” And suggest or outright say that I should interview them about this beforehand. That just sounds so not normal. Am I interviewing people to pay them to believe me? Why should anyone have to do that? People either believe people or they don’t. It shouldn’t be anyone’s “job” but yet, it is. And no one else sees how wrong that seems? I can also fake believing someone’s story if you were paying me $100-$200 per hour. I’ll validate your ass all day. But would that be real validation, and why do I need their validation anyway?
All of the pressure to see a therapist really comes from online spaces such as facebook groups for anxiety, depression and cptsd. Also TikTok. Because for some reason my damn algorithm has therapists and “mental health advocates” which is making me honestly not even want to go on. I can log back into Facebook and block all the mental health groups or I can just suspend my account again. Then I noticed that a lot of the profiles that are diehard mental health advocates seem to be bots. One of them said, “Having a BA in psychology doesn’t make someone a good therapist.” And- they’re right. Therapists have masters degrees. Right away I started noticing bot characteristics. And that’s definitely possible. People insert bots with an agenda into online spaces all the time. Real people would mostly generally believe that someone shouldn’t do something they really don’t want to do and no longer bet they can benefit from. (Such as me with therapy).
I texted this therapist that I wasn’t comfortable and she said she would cancel my appointment but also keep it open for me if I still wanted it (which isn’t canceling). It’s on 9/9 at 9 am. That’s my next pay day as well. I want to tell her again no PLEASE cancel it but if I also don’t want to dip into territory where she’s “setting boundaries with me because I texted her” because that is so obnoxious. I’m thinking I will just leave it alone until 9/8, maybe by then I’ll change my mind, but if not, then I still won’t text her and if she complains that I didn’t show up, I’ll just show the text where I said to cancel. Of course that opens up the possibility that she’ll still charge me and it will take a million years to get my $125 back. See how I can’t open up to these ppl? They honestly just cause more anxiety.
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